*UPDATE: Since writing this post, I’ve come to realize how important this book is. I am now a vegan and fully support this book (and PETA). The cover and feel of the book may be misleading, but they got the message out to the mainstream. And, they must have converted hundreds of people to veganism — saving thousands of animals. It is NOT okay to disrespect, violate and torture animals for a burger or a fancy latte. NOT okay.

**UPDATE: Again, I started eating vegan pretty much because of this book — and after I saw the infamous Meet Your Meat video. Since seeing that video, I haven’t been able to look at milk (even when my son drinks it) without thinking of the cows, of their calves. The least I can do in this case is give thanks (because it is not my choice to make my kids vegan – and that’s for another post). ANYWAY, Skinny Bitch is a great introduction to veganism, but the diet’s a little restrictive and relies too heavily on processed soy products, like meat substitutes — which I don’t think are healthy because of the isolated soy protein in them, and because they’re processed. And, the Skinny Bitch authors would agree. I’ve read interviews where they’ve said their diet and cookbooks are designed to help people transition smoothly into veganism.

I am so sick, Gorgeouses. Like, ewww.

But, I’ll be a’iight. Just sitting in my bed. Three pillows behind my back, a dosing wheezy rascal and a pile of used-up Kleenex by my side, and a humming humidifier giving us both a smidgen of relief.

I’m also so attractive right now? You don’t even KNOW. My hair’s pulled back in a sloppy bun. Nose is running, red from all the blowing (shut it, pervs — I’m in NO MOOD). Jaw is agape, lips dry and cracking from the dreaded mouth breathing. Eyes red with bags, and (speaking of bags) braless, in uggers oversized shirt. Doesn’t get more attractive than THAT, eh? (Did I just say “eh”?) I’d post a picture of myself, but I don’t want you to get all mad at me if your life is never the same again because of it….

Just like my life will never be the same since reading Skinny Bitch: A No-Nonsense, Tough-Love Guide for Savvy Girls Who Want to Stop Eating Crap and Start Looking Fabulous. (How was THAT for segue of the century!?)

Like any other unsuspecting girlie girl on the planet, I thought this was going to be a cute, light “chick” read. I mean, look at the cover! And…, the TITLE!

But, NOOoooOOOOooo! It was NOT. This was a DIATRIBE, Gorgeouses — a DARK DIATRIBE — against everyone from the USDA to the dairy and meat industries to what the authors call the “selfish whores who eat veal”! How am I supposed to look at my meat-eating husband again, or even FEED my monkeys, if I’m going to buy everything they say in this book — let alone consume ANYTHING with ANY TRACE of animal product in it WHATSOEVER?

I’m telling you: if I don’t put this book down NOW, it’s liable to hurl me headfirst into the ABYSS OF INSANITY (which, as you probably suspect by now, I’m already on the edge of)!

Sigh, anyway, while it’s good that the book opened my eyes even wider to the HORRORS that occur in the slaughterhouses, it sucks that I can’t STOP THEM. The only thing I can do is, once and for all, to turn completely vegetarian.

Even vegetarian is no good, though, for authors Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin (no wonder they’re bitchy!). They want the world to go VEGAN. And, I’ve been toying with the idea because the authors are MEAN (“bitchy”?)!

But, I can’t live life without cheese. And, since Skinny Bitch says that the dairy industry is just as evil as the meat industry, I’ve decided I will spend my life savings on ORGANIC dairy and eggs from here on in. And, now I’ll SHUT THE DAMN BOOK FOREVER. (If I don’t, I’m liable to give up everything sweet in life: I actually had a decaf green tea instead of my beloved Starbucks Grande Soy No-Wather Tazo Chai Latte yesterday, BECAUSE THEY SAID SO, and my day sucked.)

My one saving grace right now is that I hear the Skinny Bitches are in cahoots with PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) — a CUTTHROAT animal activist organization. It’s a very one-sided diatribe, that Skinny Bitch. And, I’ve heard some TERRIBLE, HYPOCRITICAL things about PETA (*edit: I have no idea where these stories came from, nor do I believe they’re true) lately, which I hope aren’t true because that would disturb me almost as much as the horrific slaughterhouse stories I’ve spent my weekend crying over.

Am I rambling? I think I’m rambling. Maybe time to check the feeeeeever again….

Sigh…. At least the animals in MY house are happy — one thing I CAN control….

I went downstairs THREE times today. Twice for orange juice and tea with honey, and once for something Skinny Bitch would HANG me for — starts with “coo” and ends with “kies.” Anyway, this is what I saw:

First trip downstairs:

Second trip downstairs:

Third trip downstairs:

My poor, poor brown sweater…!

As for Skinny Bitch…. While I pledge to do my part in fighting animal cruelty in the slaughterhouses and helping to save the environment (important causes for ME) by going vegetarian* and by supporting the organic farm companies,** CHEATY DOES NOT RECOMMEND SKINNY BITCH (EDIT: Cheaty now recommends it, with the caveats in the updates above). It’s dangerous, potentially eating-disorder promoting, and it’s just plain darkly and horrifically far from what it presents itself to be.

*Alas, I cannot impose vegetarianism on my children. I WILL cook organic poultry and fish (sticks) for them.

**Alas, I WILL give up chai teas during the week so that I can buy organic foodstuff without denting my “pocketbook” (does ANYONE say “pocketbook” anymore?). Decaf green tea will take some getting used to, and maybe a few bad-mood posts here for a while, but it’s for a good cause and, me-hears, a very healthy alternative.

I’m STARVING. Or, AM I. Let me write down how starving I am, and we’ll see if I’m really starving for food…. Or, is it SLEEP I’m starving for?

Mmmmm…. Want an APPLE…. Or, DO I? Let me consult journal again and see. Do I really want apple? Mmmno. No, I don’t want apple. Want SLEEP. Sweet, satisfying, healthy SLEEP.

Wait a second…. An APPLE? WTF? WTF am I doing craving an APPLE? And, why aren’t I STARVING anymore, like I was a second ago.

Actually, I’m seriously parched right now….

I wasn’t going to share this secret so soon. I wanted to keep going with it a while longer. But, I’ve been doing this for a week, and people are ALREADY telling me I look like I’ve lost a lot of weight. And, honneh, I’ve been dieting for FIVE MONTHS already, and nobody’s said NOTHIN’. Nothin’ really, anyway. The weight loss has been slooooowwwww…. Until this week.

Did I go see that healer? No. Truth be told, I think she was offended by THIS post. Oops. Because I haven’t heard from her since she asked me for my website address…. And, yes, Josh-O is DANCING for joy. A-ny-way….

No. I’ve been doing some healing work on myself with one of my truest loves — writing. “WHAT,” you ask? WRITING. I’ve been writing down EVERYTHING and ANYTHING to do with my food issues because of Julia Cameron’s latest FABULOUS BOOK, which Cheaty recommends BE-YOND, The Writing Diet….

This book is all the healing I need to lose weight and feel fulfilled SPIRITUALLY (which has been a big deal for me since I read Eat Pray Love). I’m learning more things about myself, why my emotions, my exhaustion, my stress, and even my writing (I SO BLAME YOU FOR MAKING ME FAT, GORGEOUSES! Hee!) make me RUN FOR THE FRIDGE, THE PANTRY, STAAAARRRRBUUUUUCKS!

Look how spiritual…. I was late to the gym because I had to stop and take THIS PICTURE — with Pinkberry….

You see, Gorgeouses, diets don’t work. Isn’t that an original thought? They don’t work until you commit to changing your thinking at every level. Like, I didn’t realize how much I was RESISTING dieting and RESISTING losing weight even as I kvetch here and train train TRAIN at the gym almost EVERY DAY.

Can you imagine? Me? Resisting losing weight???

Now, the resistance is fading. The weight is dripping off…. Because…. I’ll tell you…. if I’m doing all this work (and the book calls for a LOT of work), you can make dang well sure that I won’t be asking my friendly barista for a dang blueberry muffin that’s over and done with and sitting in my ARSE in 5 scarfing minutes!

Right. This book forces you to do that emotional WORK. You can only diet on the surface for so long. You can only deny the REAL WORK for so long. You need to fix the SOURCE of the problem before you can fix the problem.

What’s great about this book, too, is that it can affect more than your weight. Just tonight, for example, I realized I CANNOT blog at night like this anymore. It’s too stressful and exhausting. I realized I need to fit the blogging into my day somehow. Maybe, instead of taking the rascal to Starbucks for his nap, I’ll stay home and write me bloggies…. Now, that’s solving two problems: avoiding the morning muffin-chai-tea combo AND solving that late-night writing sitch!

I’m only at the beginning of the book. So far, at the book’s bidding, I’ve added “writing pages” to my mornings: 3 straight pages of stream-of-consciousness writing. A LOT comes out. And, I’ve started journaling: I write whatever I eat and whenever I FEEL like eating.

Sounds like a lot of work. And, IT IS. But, it’s the right kind of work. I’m not obsessing about points and numbers and carbs and proteins. Instead, I’m listening to my own voice — which comes out in the writing. Freaking brillers. Freaking worth it. Because, if the monkey taunts me once more with her new chant — BIG MAMA! BIG MAMA! BIG MAMA! BIG MAMA! — which drives her to a point of hysterics, I’m going to have a HISSY FIT!

I forgive that cheaty monkey, though…. Because she also stopped me dead in my tracks today when she looked at me and said out of nowhere, “Mama, you look pretty.”