I’m STARVING. Or, AM I. Let me write down how starving I am, and we’ll see if I’m really starving for food…. Or, is it SLEEP I’m starving for?

Mmmmm…. Want an APPLE…. Or, DO I? Let me consult journal again and see. Do I really want apple? Mmmno. No, I don’t want apple. Want SLEEP. Sweet, satisfying, healthy SLEEP.

Wait a second…. An APPLE? WTF? WTF am I doing craving an APPLE? And, why aren’t I STARVING anymore, like I was a second ago.

Actually, I’m seriously parched right now….

I wasn’t going to share this secret so soon. I wanted to keep going with it a while longer. But, I’ve been doing this for a week, and people are ALREADY telling me I look like I’ve lost a lot of weight. And, honneh, I’ve been dieting for FIVE MONTHS already, and nobody’s said NOTHIN’. Nothin’ really, anyway. The weight loss has been slooooowwwww…. Until this week.

Did I go see that healer? No. Truth be told, I think she was offended by THIS post. Oops. Because I haven’t heard from her since she asked me for my website address…. And, yes, Josh-O is DANCING for joy. A-ny-way….

No. I’ve been doing some healing work on myself with one of my truest loves — writing. “WHAT,” you ask? WRITING. I’ve been writing down EVERYTHING and ANYTHING to do with my food issues because of Julia Cameron’s latest FABULOUS BOOK, which Cheaty recommends BE-YOND, The Writing Diet….

This book is all the healing I need to lose weight and feel fulfilled SPIRITUALLY (which has been a big deal for me since I read Eat Pray Love). I’m learning more things about myself, why my emotions, my exhaustion, my stress, and even my writing (I SO BLAME YOU FOR MAKING ME FAT, GORGEOUSES! Hee!) make me RUN FOR THE FRIDGE, THE PANTRY, STAAAARRRRBUUUUUCKS!

Look how spiritual…. I was late to the gym because I had to stop and take THIS PICTURE — with Pinkberry….

You see, Gorgeouses, diets don’t work. Isn’t that an original thought? They don’t work until you commit to changing your thinking at every level. Like, I didn’t realize how much I was RESISTING dieting and RESISTING losing weight even as I kvetch here and train train TRAIN at the gym almost EVERY DAY.

Can you imagine? Me? Resisting losing weight???

Now, the resistance is fading. The weight is dripping off…. Because…. I’ll tell you…. if I’m doing all this work (and the book calls for a LOT of work), you can make dang well sure that I won’t be asking my friendly barista for a dang blueberry muffin that’s over and done with and sitting in my ARSE in 5 scarfing minutes!

Right. This book forces you to do that emotional WORK. You can only diet on the surface for so long. You can only deny the REAL WORK for so long. You need to fix the SOURCE of the problem before you can fix the problem.

What’s great about this book, too, is that it can affect more than your weight. Just tonight, for example, I realized I CANNOT blog at night like this anymore. It’s too stressful and exhausting. I realized I need to fit the blogging into my day somehow. Maybe, instead of taking the rascal to Starbucks for his nap, I’ll stay home and write me bloggies…. Now, that’s solving two problems: avoiding the morning muffin-chai-tea combo AND solving that late-night writing sitch!

I’m only at the beginning of the book. So far, at the book’s bidding, I’ve added “writing pages” to my mornings: 3 straight pages of stream-of-consciousness writing. A LOT comes out. And, I’ve started journaling: I write whatever I eat and whenever I FEEL like eating.

Sounds like a lot of work. And, IT IS. But, it’s the right kind of work. I’m not obsessing about points and numbers and carbs and proteins. Instead, I’m listening to my own voice — which comes out in the writing. Freaking brillers. Freaking worth it. Because, if the monkey taunts me once more with her new chant — BIG MAMA! BIG MAMA! BIG MAMA! BIG MAMA! — which drives her to a point of hysterics, I’m going to have a HISSY FIT!

I forgive that cheaty monkey, though…. Because she also stopped me dead in my tracks today when she looked at me and said out of nowhere, “Mama, you look pretty.”

Look what Josh-O had the NERVE to bring into my house.

I’m never sending him grocery shopping again! …Wait a minute.

By the way, I can’t see what I’m typing because Minden has plopped himself between me and my computer, is massaging my boobs with his puffy little paws and kissing the CARP out of my face! EW, and ddjafskddddddddd he just sat on my hand. EW, and I think he just farted like a bulldog. What did you get into today, Meenot!? Honestly? He never does that. It freaking REEKS right now. Oh, wait a minute. MARGE is sitting over there…looking guilty. Must have been MARGE. Because Minden’s nothing short of perfection.

A-ny-way, as I was saying. Josh brought Oreo cookies AND Maltesers into my house?!? AND, those healthy spelt ginger snaps that I CAN’T RESIST — because they’re supposed to be healthy, so, like, why not eat them? BECAUSE, not so much healthy when you eat the whole bag in one sitting…. Ahem. I think they call it “moderation”? Yea, well, moderation and I have issues. MALTESERS! He brings MALTESERS into my house! And, don’t get me started on ONLY THE BEST COOKIE SANDWICH IN THE WORLD, either. OY!

Enough of that. So, Josh-O is a BIG obstacle in my dieting efforts. But, I’m passing the tests and resisting. And, losing weight. Totally losing weight. One healthy pound a week. So, it should stay off. For good. I’m telling you, exercise is the key! Just do it!

In other news, Josh-O is taking the monkey skating for the first time AS WE SPEAK.

She had so much fun! No, really! LOVED it. Wants to “GO AGAIN, JOOOOSH! C’WE GO AGAIN?” Have I told you she calls her daddy “Josh”?

I feel like I should be there to cheer her on and witness this momentous event in her Canadian life. But, body is still aching everywhere (the down side of exercising right there). Body is run down. To the core. I’m doing everyone, including THE WORLD, a YUGE service by plunking my arse down on this here couch and chilling for as many HOURS as possible. Getting more than two consecutive hours of sleep per night would also be beneficial. But, alas, the rascal has other plans for me each night….

Hey, I finished Eat Pray Love. Miss it already. Am on to new book. The Other Boleyn Girl.

This cover distracts me….

Watching 2 hours of Clive Owen as Walter Raleigh last night inspired me to get right onto this book.

You’re welcome, ladies…. And, YES, totally see this movie. It’s not as good as the first Elizabeth, but CLIVE. Need I say more?

So far so good. If you haven’t read Eat Pray Love, you’re lucky. Because you have yet to go on one incredible journey. The book’s definitely not for everyone. Some people LOATHE it. But, it was paradise for me.

Kay, one more picture from our weekend, and I’m outtie to eat ginger snaps and sleep and maybe THROW OUT the rest of the bag. I know, a waste of COOKIES. But, this is serious business.

Here — took this picture just for YOU. So you could feel like YOU WERE THERE. Because I know you wish you were….

You totally feel like you’re there, right Gorgeouses? Look at those special effects! State of the ART! TRY 1.5 hours of THAT…..

The Backyardigans! We went to The Backyardigans LIVE show on Friday night! It was a wee bit painful, but the monkey LOVED it. BOINGA BOINGA!

Here’s us watching the show….

The rascal was TOTALLY into it, believe it or not! So cute. His little head was bobbing with the characters — following them from one side of the stage to the other. Yeah, he bobs his head when he looks around. It’s too cute!

Oh yeeeahhhh! So, what’d you do this weekend? Reading anything good?

UPDATE: I just forced Josh-O to hide the ginger snaps. I can resist the Oreos and Maltesers because I’m on a bit of a whole-foods kick. But, those spelt ginger snaps have GOT TO GO. He thought I was kidding when I asked him to hide them. But, OH NO! NOT KIDDING. All I know is that they’re somewhere in the basement. And, I don’t go to the basement much because the cat litter and the laundry machine are there.

The Monkey and Josh-O are sleeping in her little twin bed. She moves. Nuzzles into his chest. Smacks her lips a few times. I giggle to myself. Such a funny sight.

They’re deep in sleep. They don’t know I’m there.

I come back down here to the Rascal. He’s making that hilarious fish face again because he’s hungry. He’s always hungry. Ravenous. Ravenous little creature. I whip out the boooobie for half a second, and he’s out. Like a light.

I’m sitting in front of the TV. Iron Chef America is on. Kat Cora’s going to win. I know because I’ve seen this one.

Oh, and I’m writing this post.

Tonight, while Josh-O and the Monkey slept in her little bed, I watched the movie Shopgirl. You know, the one with Steve Martin and Claire Danes? Who knew they’d have such a captivating chemistry?

I have to tell you, it’s been SO LONG since I’ve sat through a movie and ACTUALLY watched it. I mean, without reading blogs or gossip or running around (as I tend to do) getting little things done. For some reason, this movie gripped me from start to finish. I, like, hung on every word.

I’ve always been fascinated by the human condition. And, most people are, right? I mean, I know there are some people who go through life not thinking about why ON EARTH we’re here. And, sometimes I wish I were one of those people. Would make life a little less dark sometimes. But, if I were one of those people, I probably wouldn’t appreciate life and thoughts and art and ideas and little films with big thoughts as much as I do.

Shopgirl is all about the human condition. It’s about our desire, our NEED, for connection, and the effects the connections we make have on our life’s path. We are who we are, in other words, because of the connections we make. One little phrase — like, when Mirabelle tells Jeremy to “change things” (I can’t remember the exact phrase, my bad) — can alter the entire course of a person’s life.

I wish I’d picked up Steve Martin’s book Shopgirl (on which the movie is based) before watching the movie. But, I LOVED Claire Danes’ performance of Mirabelle Buttersfield. She was brilliantly sad and vexed and hopeful and thoughtful and vulnerable and beautiful — a more refined and mature version of Angela from My So Called Life, the character that made Danes famous. And, the connection I felt to her character — on, like, a molecular level — was enough to compel me to write this post. It had a serious effect on me.

Made me think about the connections I’ve made in my life. My wonderful husband, the kids we’ve created, our friends, families, even our cats (yeeesss!)….

And…my pinkberry. You KNEW I’d bring it up today. With my new, BELOVED-ALREADY, pinkberry — oh and TWITTER — I stay connected.

There’s so much isolation in our culture. People are lonelier and more isolated than ever before. But, at the same time, there’s this burgeoning internet community that accepts us all. It’s not about what we look like, or how much money we have, how old we are, or whatever. It’s all about our words. And, I don’t know about you, but it’s changed my life. I’ve never felt so connected and fulfilled and influenced in so many wonderful ways.

To thank you for this — for connecting with me (with your comments, emails, and even by just READING) — and because I’ve not another DEEP THOUGHT left in this tired brain o’ mine, I give you Minden AFTER HE FELL IN THE BATHTUB. Because we all know it’s THIS that you came for, and not the deep thoughts….

Wet tail….

Mama, I fell in the tub. WAHH.

Sheepish because fell in tub WAHHH. (AKA, BEST PICTURE OF MINDEN EVER TOOK!)

Must clean that WATER off self with my SALIVA….

Oh, can I just ask thee? What happened to Jamie Oliver? Inquiring blogger needs to know. He used to be a cute, dare-I-say hottish, young thing. Now he’s gone all organic and, like, PIONEER on us. His show bites (NO pun intended)….

NOT hott.