I have been having a HAAAARD time lately. I’ve been really run down and anxious. My heart’s been pounding as if I’m on the verge of a panic attack. Sort of like I felt 24/7 when I was preggers. But, not that bad, THANK GOD. So, I’ve been trying to take it easy. Trying to get to bed no later than 11:30pm — which is a totally foreign concept for me. And, just this morning, I woke up at, ohhhhhhh, 11:30am!

Josh-O took the monkey to school, and it’sgrandma took her for lunch. I just lay in bed with the Rascal — feeding him now and then, putting him in his crib to play for a bit, and, then, finally, coercing him to sleep beside me. It was bliss. I felt completely rejuvenated.

…That is…, until now…, as monkey sits here SQUEEZING the carp out of my neck (”neck cuddling”), and Rascal SCREEEEAMS OUT for my attention. I mean, helllooooo!? Mommy deserves needs AT LEAST five minutes to herself during the day, no? Just a wee bit? No? Well, I think she does. I freaking think she does.

Yes, I think it’s time mommy had a little time to herself to do WORK on the biz, on the blog, to catch up on emails, or maybe to eat something, enjoy a cup of tea, read a little somethin’, cuddle for a bit with a little somethin’….

….And, if my sweet little Rascal doesn’t want to take a SINGLE FAREAKING NAP ALL DAY, that’s his prerogative. But, MOMMY’S gonna take her me-time — i.e., time that’s RIGHTFULLY, NECESSARILY HERS.

Because I’m no good to anyone if I’m run down and anxious and overtired and STARVING and straggly (must. get. haircut). I’m no good to anyone if I’m ALL MONKEYS ALL THE TIME. My monkeys deserve better. They deserve BEST. The best me.

So, from now on, Rascal’s napping, and Monkey’s playing on her own for at least a little while in the afternoon. And that’s that. Heh. I KNOW easier-said-than-done because HAVE SAID THIS BEFORE! But, this time, I mean BUSINESS!

If the anti-mommy-bloggers want to criticize me for blogging when I should be playing on the carpet every minute of the day with my kids…? See this? SUCK IT! It’s GOOD for kids to see their mommies at work, doing something FOR THEMSELVES. It’s good for kids to play independently for a while — especially after HOURS of being entertained. HOURS, I TELL YOU! I DESERVE a lunch break, a sick day, a coffee break. Yes, I do. And, I need it. I need it JUST AS MUCH as Mr. Joe Larry twiddling his thumbs in his cubicle all day needs his.

Yes, I’ve come to realize the work, the “me-time,” cannot wait ’til 9:30pm, when both monkeys decide to close their eyes for 2 hours the night. Because it’s making me crazy. I’m a WORK-AT-HOME MOM. That should not mean working ’til 3am or even 4am 2am every day…. Alas, this daily, nightly, grind IS KILLING ME! My kids are happy, HAPPY HAPPY. But, me? Not so much. No, something’s wrong with this picture.

Beyond the sheer exhaustion, moreover, I’m a human being in my own right, with a path and goals that should to be nourished and honoured, and this is a fundamental PART of being a good mother…. For part of being a good mother is SETTING A GOOD EXAMPLE.

My parents have noticed that I’ve been in this funk lately. They’ve noticed I’m run down and a little, dare I say…, depressed. DEPRESSED! So, the other night, when they went to the ballet — which I was SUPPOSED to go to, but, ALAS, I felt unready to leave Rascal for the whole evening — to see MY VERY FAVOURITE National Ballet of Canada Production, Cinderella, they decided to do something special for me…. They got me a GIFTY! Check it:

How pretty is that? A little box with a “slipper” covered in Swarovski crystals. So…PRETTY! SPARKLY (mama LOVES the SPARKLY). And, so out-of-nowhere. How SPECIAL I felt that they would do something so nice for ME (who?), out of nowhere. I mean, they do plenty of nice things for me (WHO?) — like taking care of the monkey…a lot! But, a special, unusual gift like this…FOR ME (WHO!!??).

It was a little gesture that brought me back to myself. Reminded me that I mattered. It can’t JUST be about the kids anymore. I matter. And, I need to matter to myself. My kids need to see me matter to myself.

And, look, Gorgeouses — they’re doing FINE on their own FOR FIVE MINUTES….

Oh, she wants to show you her “CALLERPILLAR”….

As part of infusing me-time into my day, I’d like to do more things that the kids and I can ALL enjoy together and that nourish ALL our spirits. Tomorrow, for example, we’re ALL going to make a collage….

And, by the way, you, Gorgeouses! You matter! Let’s all do something nice for ourselves and/or somebody else who needs “mattering”! Thank you…. LOVE. xo Haley-O

Mothering is an AROUND-THE-CLOCK gig. I mean, no one knows that more than I do after these past 8 months of NO SLEEP. But, last night really took the cake. Took the cake and HURLED it into the abyss of insanity where I now lie — mmm…, icing…, loooove….

See, when the clock strikes 8/8:30…9pm (11 on Saturday after spontaneous dusk walk led us to Blockbuster and renting Alvin and the Chipmunks — God help us, actually it was cute), I like to think I can have some time to myself to play, my style, that I can be selfish for a while.

So, tonight (Saturday), I decided to really use the time, be selfish, do whatever I want (not including sipping a chai tea latteeeeeeee…. grrrr). I turn off the computer, go upstairs, wash, brush, slip into bed, and open my book…. Nothing like fat King Henry VIII and his pretty little “whores” to waft me into dreamland…. Ahhhhh…. Bliss…. Sleep….

WAHHHHHHHHHHH!

I’m brutally yanked from my beautiful 10-minute sleep…. It’s the monkey. Night terrors again.

“Spiders!”

“Pins and needles in my arm! Neeeeeeeedohs!”

“The phone. TAKE THE PHONE, MAAAAMA!”

I reluctantly throw the warm cozy covers off me and Minden (and there is NOTHING like cuddling with a kitty while you sleep…. purrrrr), and drag my feet into the HYSTERICAL monkey’s room.

And, there I sit. Cheek resting on hand. Watching for eyes to close. Waiting for shallow frightened breaths to slow to sleep.

When she’s restored somewhat to calm, I race to soothe her brother — who’s whimpering alone in his dark room, with visions of nothing but booooooobie.

At last, all is quiet again. But, I have nowhere to sleep. The husband, the monkey — they’re taking up the whole bed! So much for so-called “mama’s bed.” Hrumph. If I even budge the monkey, she shrieks. And, I can’t risk her waking the rascal again.

Thoroughly disgruntled, I grab my pillow and make my way to the monkey’s twin bed. Missing my cushion-top mattress…. Missing…. Missing…. I can barely sleep.

But, sigh…. The monkey, the rascal, the husband are all sleeping peacefully.

I write all this down in my journal. Calming my nerves. Nothing like being jolted out of the most peaceful sleep OF your life…. Eventually, I close my eyes and drift into a shallow sleep. Until the next cry. For me. Always for me.

Motherhood around the clock. Selfish moment? My arse.

Cue the morning….

Stomp stomp stomp pitterpatter pitterpatter. Gurg. It’s the monkey: “It’s UP TIME! Where we gon’ go, Mommy?”

Check CHEATY GOODIES for the WINNERS OF THE CLEK CAR SEAT!!! It’s a VIDEO BLOG, Gorgeouses! Check Josh-O, Minden and me on VIDEO!

I’ve given all that I can give.

Don’t you love a post that begins all cliché…?

But, I have. I’ve given all that I can give today. So, I’m going to pretend you’re not here and just write. Because, sometimes, when I think about you (yes, YOU — hi…) reading this, I start questioning what the hell I’m doing here. Like, why would you want to read what I have to say anyway, you know?

I’ve given all that I can give. I fed the Rascal (what seemed like) all night long last night. At around 3am I gave up on the crib and took him to bed with me. Every five minutes I got tugged, bitten, scratched. Every five minutes I heard whimpering, panting. Every five minutes, LITERALLY, I gave all that I could give.

I suppose I should stop feeding him at night. But, today, when I looked at his little feet sticking out of his carseat, I realized the little bugger has grown BIG TIME. Apparently, he needs the extra night calories so that he can grow out of MY beloved car seat, wahhh! Good GOD, what will I do when he’s out of that car seat!?!?

Yup…, sigh, I guess I’ll give it to Minden….

I’ve given all that I can give. When I teach yoga, my soul squeezes out of my body, leaves me for my students — to connect with EVERY ONE OF THEM. Nicole’s magnificent Downward Dog needs to be complemented on; Remy needs to shift her foot a little in Triangle Pose so that she doesn’t pop a kneecap; Jen needs to lift her chest up; Inder needs to breeeaaaathe…. Rascal needs to SHUT IT. Huh? Wha? Rascal?

I’ve given all that I can give. I had to teach my full yoga class WITH the Rascal today for reasons I dare not divulge (for sake of YOUR boredom). Still, the class was great. Yes, I did good. I even got two of them doing the Crow pose (Bakasana) for the first time….

But, the Rascal made it VERY challenging. Thankfully, the students loved having him there. And, I did manage to keep him quiet while attempting CALMLY to instruct. So, while I gave all that I could give to the students, I stretched myself ANOREXIC thin to give all that I could give to keep the Rascal QUIET.

And, then there’s me now. Completely drained and given out.

Sitting here with hot cup of caffeinated tea — how anti-yoga of me — as the Rascal bounces and grunts in his exersaucer. Josh is on his computer and Monkey’s playing with the new blotters I bought her today….

So, no, this is not a mysterious arm disease….

Yes, I have given all that I can give. So, I’m going to take some time. This time. To just chill. To write for me. And, then to sleep and maybe read and maybe numb out with A Shot of Love….

But, first, a strawberry….

Me. Giving. MY STRAWBERRY. He’s lucky he’s so dang cute….