Is there anyone out there who can do it all, all the time? Half the time? A third of the time? Because sometimes it’s just impossible.

Today was a BRUTAL day. It was one of those days where I totally lost myself. I spent the ENTIRE day just trying to get by. And, before I go on, let’s just say the LOVELY people at Mastermind will probably NEVER approach me again. Word to the wise, though, if you work at a toy store? Approach mothers with two scrambling kids WITH CAUTION. Especially when her children have FINALLY%$#@%#$ settled and she’s sitting on kiddie stool with hunched back enjoying KALEIDOSCOPE….

Dang it, I should have bought it! But, I don’t spend my money on toys FOR ME….

WOAAAHHHHH…. Love…. Drrrrrr…..

The chaos started first thing this morning — with the cookie disaster. And, it continued until Josh came home late this aft, when my kvetching little monkey turned as if with the flick of a wand into an innocent little princess. Yes, just in time for Josh to wonder why there was any issue at all today and what ON EARTH could be so hard and hair-pulling-out about taking care of two little ANGELS?

Have I mentioned that the little Rascal has FINALLY cut a tooth? Just…today? No wonder?

ANYWAY. Today’s brutalness was part their fault and part mine. I didn’t get much sleep last night. AND, I started my day with a totally not-nutritious breakfast (WHICH included a soy chai latte, OF course). I just had no patience and was totally irritable all day. It wasn’t until lunch — which, bless my brillers routinizing, was at 2:45 — that I started to feel better. And, I’m CONVINCED it was because I had this CRAZY veggie wrap from Noah’s Natural Foods (fave organic food store). It’s, like, the MINUTE I bit into the crunchy carrots, the smoooooooth avocado, crisp lettuce, DIVINE, my body thanked me for it. Aaaaaahhhhh. After that, and with Josh-O’s help, of course, I felt much more relaxed and in control.

Hey, by the way? Did you know I have a “scary voice”? It comes out when I’ve HAD IT with the monkey. Like, when we’re really late, and the Rascal’s been crying and I can’t find my keys and one of the cats barfed and I just stepped on a toy car, etc., etc., and she decides to run AWAY from me instead of TO me when I call her. It sounds like this: “RAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRR!”

I’m serious. I literally ROAR “COME HERE NOW.” It’s wild. Really wild. I’m like Simba from The Lion King. I’ve found my ROAR!

I think it comes from the yoga (and utter motherly desperation). I can project my voice right from the diaphragm. It’s like my SOUL is speaking. I’m telling you, you can SEE it in the air even; like, the air IT RIPPLES. Scary voice can MOVE things.

Whenever I use the scary voice, the monkey comes running.

After a day of several “scary voice”-worthy incidents, I realized something. I don’t actually have to use the scary voice. I can just THREATEN it! Check it:

ME: Monkey, can you please give me back the washcloth? Rascal needs it.
MONKEY: No Mama.
ME: I can’t leave the washroom because Rascal’s in the tub. If you won’t give me the washcloth, can you please get mama another one?
MONKEY: No Mama.
ME: Do you want me to use my scary voice?
MONKEY: NO MAMA NOOOO! I go get it!
ME: Thank you, Monkey! Good job.

Heeee! I’m loving it…. And, now. I’m going to bed. Donning new lavender silk eye pillow…. Because sleep is EVERYTHING. Yes, I’ve finally realized that….

Fahklempt. Gorgeouses. I’m fahklempt!

By the way, I’m writing this mid-day. Kids are playing on the bed as I type (boy, would I love a king-sized bed right now), clouds are rumbling, beautiful leaves kind of glowing in the haze outside the window…). Normally, I’d be checking email right now, maybe twittering, or, if lucky, reading a blog or two. But, today, I’m thinking about priorities. Emails are quick, but they can’t come before the actual work. When I put them before the actual work, I end up, like yesterday, looking for pictures of celebs in bad clothes until 2:30am, and getting but ONE lame-o gossip item off the ground. How’s that for time-management!

As I was saying…, fahklempt. I’m fahklempt because the Monkey’s finished school and WTF am I going to do with NO SCHOOL FOR 3 WEEKS. Ahem. They threw the sweetest little goodbye party, which all of us thoroughly enjoyed….

Rascal eating his Mum Mum!!

On a table, next to the food — the cupcakes — that I couldn’t eat, were yearbooks. YEARBOOKS! How cute is that? But, these weren’t just any yearbooks. No, they were ADORABLE, personalized yearbooks. Each child got his or her own. That alone touched my little black heart! (hee.) But, GORGEOUSES, LOOK at it!

A picture of her with her wee hand prints underneath!

Photos of her doing her THANG in the class room throughout the year…. OY!

Photos of her classmates….

The monkey’s artwork in plastic folder things…!

And, this. This poem. Brought on the tears. Crocodile tears.

Fahklempt.

Thank you to all Monkeys teachers for being absolutely INCREDIBLE. We love you and will miss you dearly!

12:19am….

I’m back. It’s been a long day of clingy Rascal and CARAZAY Monkey….

Sorry for the blur, but can you STAND it? Of course, I wanted to buy that hat, but it was $29.00….

And, just when I was about to say NO to this fabulous opportunity for fear that Rascal would miss me too much, it’sgrandma shook her head and said “YES. You and Josh are going. You NEED this, Haley!”

So, we went. We went to THIS, Gorgeouses….

We went to The Fiddle and the Drum…. Joni Mitchell’s latest art exhibition and album (SHINE) PLUS the Alberta Ballet Company EQUALS pure and utter wordlessness. Fahklempt. It was one of the most stunning and important pieces of art I’ve ever seen in my entire life…. A combination of art, music and dance to convey messages of PEACE, of NATURE, and of INNOCENCE….

“As an artist creating today, quite frankly, I can see no other subject matter that is of more importance now. We need people to awaken to this reality,” said Mitchell. If anyone can awaken us to this reality, it’s Joni Mitchell and this wonderful dance team….

It is much too late at night for me to do this performance any justice, and much too early for me to reflect on it, in writing. I’m still registering what I saw. The beauty (look at those magnificent BODIES), the passion (a BEAUTIFUL, SENSUAL duet between two male dancers, for example… — I’ve never seen anything like it), the emotion (a little girl frolicking about the stage….). So powerful….

Fahklempt. So very fahklempt.

Okay, Josh is cutting me off. I’ve just watched this routine eight MORE times. Play, rewind, play, rewind, play, rewind, play, re—, etc., etc..

But, he’s cut me off, and now I have to finally get mine arse in gear and write this post. So much too say. HUGE NEWS. YEEEEEEUUUUUGE!

Are you ready for it?

What?

ARE YOUUUUU READYYYY?

Monkey.

She’s….

She’s….

She’s….

(Practically….)

Oh, wait one sec. I have to watch the routine ONE. MORE. TIME.

Okay, news….

The monkey…..

Wait…. REWIND! No. Okay. She’s….

TOILET TRAINED!

Well, PRACTICALLY toilet trained. She’s no longer in diapers any more, and she’s EAGER to be trained.

I don’t know what happened. It’s all my doing. I mean, Josh has been trying and trying to train her, and I’ve been, like, “whatever, Josh, she’s not ready yet. Give it more time.” But, then, yesterday, I decided calmly to INFORM her that she would no longer be wearing diapers. And, she responded really well. It’s like something clicked for both of us. She surrendered; power struggle aborted.

While she peed in her shorts a few times, she LOVED it when Josh and I danced and screamed and whipped out the CHOCOLATE!

“You’re happy, Daddy! You’re happy!” she’d say. “You’re happy, Mama!”

And, then, today, she went through the morning DRY, and she peed on the toilet SEVERAL times. SO, I took the plunge (I know, pun) and took her to Starbucks.

I think I drove the unsuspecting people at (the very small) Starbucks NUTS because this was me every 5 seconds (seriously): “Do you have to pee, Monkey? Monkey, do you have to pee? Want to go to the toilet? NOW, do you want to go to the toilet? Do you feel a pee coming? Any pee? How’s your underwear? Poop? Any poop?” And, finally, “Okay, monkey, let’s go to the washroom.”

At first she was afraid VERY AFRAID of the public toilet. SCREEEEEEEECH! But, can you blame her? I mean, like, eww? But, then, I took out my handy-dandy portable foldable Cushy Traveler toilet-seat cover, and she was HAPPY to sit herself down and PEE.

I was so proud of her that I HAD to do something nice for her. So, we went to the BEAD STORE* next door. To make a long wonderful story short, Monkey picked out her favourite beads….

And, Arlene (the owner of the store) made her a beautiful bracelet….

It was a GREAT experience for us. SOOO mother-daughter.  And, so creative and spontaneous and FUN. The monkey LOVED it and is SO proud of her (seriously beautiful) bracelet….

When we got home, Monkey had a few very minor accidents, but only because she’s not used to having to hold in her pee. She’s doing PERFECTLY. I couldn’t be prouder.

Needless to say, the monkey’s getting ALL the attention…. So, I had to get her baby brother a little gifty, too…. Check the RASCAL’S NEW T-SHIRT!!!:

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! LOVE!

Have a great weekend everyone! Off to go talk about my 2.8-pound weight loss this week! Wooo!

*The bead store we went to is called Bead Girl, and it’s located on Yonge Street, just north of Eglinton (beside STAAAARRRRBUCKS). It’s brand new, and the owner, Arlene, is LOVELY. Check it: http://www.beadgirl.ca!