It’s been a long year of waiting. We had hoped it would only be 6 months — and THAT was a long time to go with a “flipper” aka “flap” aka “biteplate with a plastic tooth on it” aka “that I had to take out at night.” Yes, my husband (and children, ahem) have been sleeping beside a toothless wonder for a WHOLE YEAR.

It’s been a long (uncomfortable) year! One day I may regret that I never took advantage of my toothlessness on Halloween, but it’s all still a little sensitive….

Wanna see?

After five hours in the dentist’s chair and the hard work of two brilliant men — a dentist and lab technician, both in the Toronto area, whom I’m thrilled to recommend to anyone who needs any kind of dentistry (as soon as they give me word that I can put their names on here, otherwise, email me) — we have NEW TEETH! CHECKIT!

Don’t they sparkle and GLEAM! (Well, maybe not in this photo — but, trust me, they do SPARKLE. And GLEAM!)

Apparently, my teeth are the most challenging my dentist’s ever seen for this kind of thing, I’m proud to share. Ready for some TMI? I have an uneven jaw, a crossed cuspid (or something), and some crooked features that, you know what?, GIVE ME CHARACTER.

Yes, after this year, I officially have no shame. I have that brutal zit on my cheek — did you notice? And I’m not airbrushing it. But I do insist you know my nose is super swollen and frozen, and I just had my lips stretched and pulled for 5 hours!

Speaking of airbrushing, I’ve come to terms with photo-that-isn’t-airbrushed. It’s part of the journey. I’ve got some weight to lose. But I LOVE MY NEW RACK (my teeth, that is, of course)!

Love!

xo Haley-O

Photo by the lovely Jana/Ms_Blue.

I know I was supposed to write about the curious incident of the white elephant, like, two days ago. But it’s going to have to wait. This has been one of the busiest weeks I’ve had in a long time. And that says a lot. Because I am freaking busy.

And before I continue rambling on in my record-exhausted state, I have to point out how awesome the people at my yoga shala are. I’ve missed three days of practice this week. Part of the reason for that is that the cat’s away: my teacher David Robson and his gorj wife Stan and their ridiculously-adorable baby (seriously, look how gorj they are) are in India for a whole month. I’m pretty sure that if they were here, I’d be in that studio EVEN if I accidentally threw my fake front tooth in the garbage and only realized what I did as the garbage truck went rumbling away……….

By the way, I’m getting a PERMANENT TOOTH next Friday! Can you believe!? Can I get a massive HALLELUJAH? Please, say it with me!

Anyway, I did get to yoga this morning. I apologized to Anna and Oliver and Lisa for not being there and they welcomed me with smiles and a pat on the back and, just, with such understanding and compassion. When I left, all sweaty and buzzing with joy and accomplishment, I talked to Jeff and Jodi outside as we put our boots on. We talked about kids and work and my insane schedule, and they got it. They just got it. They looked at me straight in the eye, and they got it. I felt beautifully, intensely, reliefully understood.

Note Bene: “Reliefully” is not a word. But it should be. Either that or “reliefly.” And maybe now I’m demonstrating the true extent of my exhaustion. Because there must be a grade-two level word to describe being understood in such a relieful way.

And then last night at book club. They got it too! At the end of one of the longest days in the history of my days, I hosted book club. And it was good. I sat back on my own cushy couch with some of my favourite people, talked books and gossip and the little humping thing my (female) dog does to my very reluctant (male) cat — TWISTED — at fairly regular intervals….

And that was what Jana was referring to when she tweeted the above photo of Minden with a caption that read, simply, “Alpha?”

And to that I would only add this — a theme song:

One day I will create a video of my dog’s twisted little hobby to the tune of that song — just for Emma Willer. BWAH! That was because she was being mean to ma dawg on twitter this afternoon. That’s what you get for that. Aside from her twisted humping issue, my Betty White is teh awesome. Even though, on our field trip today, the Monkey may or may not have put her hand up to say, simply, “My – dog – is – so – bad.”

And for ALL of that, I sincerely apologize.

Love!

xo Haley-O

Psssssssssssssst! Comment on this post below, AND THEN, get thee to my brand new “FIT AND FAB WITH HALEY-O” blog at Today’s Parent. I’ll be blogging there Tuesday’s and Thursdays for the next several months. Checkit!

Nooo! They’re coming down the stairs again. It’s 8pm and they’re supposed to be in bed and, thanks to Alice (who totally gets the seriousness of my Starbucks addiction), I haven’t had a Starbucks grande soy no water tazo chai in FIVE DAYS.

FIVE DAYS.

WORLD RECORD.

And I’m telling you they do — they must — put crack in it.

So I’m tired. I’m going through major withdrawal. And no matter how hard I try, I can’t ignore the fact that he is staring at me as I type this right now here on my computer staring at me right now I SEE YOU. Okay. Come sit on my lap. Bugger.

Love.

They’re coming down the stairs and my eyes are closing. My chapped lips are throbbing. Probably because I was smiling so big as I ran down the stairs this morning to greet my part-time nanny, Rachel — not realizing I’d forgotten to put my front tooth in…. (Thatwasfun.)

I’m getting a full bridge and a crown put in next month. Hallelujah. I will have a front tooth. Actually, because we decided to go with a bridge, I’ll have four brand new front teeth — after only 10 months of what my family likes to call “Hillbilly Haley.” I’m so hot without my tooth in. Like Demi Moore was…. (Here she is talking about her notorious toothless twitter pic….)

Click the pic to view the vid.

When the dentist was doing the moldings for my new teeth yesterday, he was really shocked to learn, as I broke into a fit of panic over the goop he was stuffing in my mouth, that I have a gum phobia. I, like Oprah Winfrey, am afraid of chewing gum. “I’m shocked you’re afraid of gum,” he said. “I didn’t see that on your blog.” You know? Even though I’ve been, as my invisible tagline reads, “chronically oversharing since 2006,” there’s a lot about me you don’t know.

Like my gum phobia. And, umm, erm, uhhh, I won a screaming contest at sleepover camp one year and was in the Miss Dance of Canada pageant when I was 16. I never finished my PhD in English Literature but I got straight A PLUSES in my coursework. My car was burnt down in my garage that year. Other shady things happened. I am gullible. My colleague at Scholastic Canada, Ltd., told me the hole I found in an almond I was about to eat once when I was pregnant was carved by a mouse AND a weevil and I believed him. I even called motherisk to see if I could catch anything from the mouse…or the weevil. I am chewing ice right now.

Thanks to my new colleague at Today’s Parent, who generously brought me a Justin Bieber CD and stickers the other day (really it’s because she needed a partner in crime), I’m now officially a Belieber…. And so is the Monkey….

Possibly even the Rascal — who kept me up all night last night and is therefore (along with no-chai) the reason for all this gibberish.

Love!

xo Haley-O

Earth Day…. While I gifted Earth with a promise to not drink Starbucks from a paper cup (unless somehow absolutely unavoidable), Earth gifted me with something I totally didn’t expect. SPINACH! In my backyard! Gorgeouses, how deliciously awesome is this…?

Looks like grass, I know. But look closer…. SPINACH:

So yummy and new and green, can’t wait to sink my teeth into it. Oh wait! (And please don’t hate me for this segue) I don’t have a front tooth! I won’t have a front tooth for, what, a year was it?

It doesn’t take much for me to remind myself (constantly) that, yes, I’m missing a front tooth. But, huff, I was VERY reminded of said ghastly fact when I went to my favourite vegetarian restaurant for lunch today and accidentally bit down WRONG on a totally glorious tempeh wrap and nearly swallowed my, erm, denture. Capital F, FAIL. Capital E, EMBARRASSING.

And can’t they call it something other than “denture” for those of us under seventy-five? It’s more like a bite plate with a tooth on it, anyway. “Bite plate” is SOOOO much better sounding when you’re in your mid-thirties. Or not….

Don’t worry, I reached deep into the hollow of my mouth and discovered, within the awkwardly bitten/chewed sandwich pieces (because you need details), the pointy edges of the, erm, bite plate. This. Is my life.

Then there’s the matter of my house — which Josh-O decided we needed to paint two days after my surgery, huff. This is what my downstairs has looked like for the past, hmmm, four days:

But, you know what? It’s okay. It’s all okay. It’s just a tooth. It’s just a house. Despite the post-surgery discomfort — major — I feel great. I had a major — major — infection removed from MY FACE, an infection I’ve been living with for almost three decades, thanks to a fateful childhood stone-throwing…. And about that I feel GREAT! So great that I’ve been climbing mountains. Well, hills. Well, let’s just say I’m exercising, and eating really well. I think I found not only my denture, but my willpower, too, inside that sandwich! Hello, ooold friend! (More on that another day.)

Anyway, looks like I’ll be watching the season finale of Taking the Stage (loooove) WITH the Rascal, who’s sitting here on my bed beside me, thrashing around. This is but one of the many BENEFITS of having no working living room and a very loud, insistent child who refuses to sleep and is just so crazy adorable — “Mama, you teef hewt?” (trans. “Mama, your teeth hurt?”)

Sighhh, LOVE!

Happy Earth Day. Seriously, may every day be Earth Day!

xo Haley-O

Well, I may have to take it out at night, and I may have to wash it after I eat sometimes (when I CAN eat again), and I may sound a WEE bit like I’m wearing a bite plate, but that will change as the swelling goes down and I get more used to this. It looks pretty amazing, right? (It’s the one on the left – with a wee bit of gore showing on the top.)

I just have to be careful not to smile too big — at least for now — because it’s gory under that upper lip….

Very gory.

I did get laughing gas, and it was awwwwesome. Except I got so high that I told the periodontist about my blog. And now everyone in that office knows about it. He’s asked to be called “Dr. Evil.” So, there you go.

The worst is over. The front tooth is OUT. We know what we’re dealing with — no bone. In a year, I’ll have a perfect permanent tooth, new gums AND a new smile. Exciting!

It’s been less than 24 hours and I’ve adjusted to the reality of all this, although I haven’t shown ANYONE but my dentist and periodontist what I look like without the denture…. I can, honestly, hardly stand to look at it myself! But, it’s okay.

Now I just have to heal, GROW BONE, rest, and, apparently, not stand on my head — not ’til next Thursday, Dr. Evil says.

Thanks so much for all your support!

Love!

xo Haley-O

I got a haircut. That’s me up there showing you my new haircut while practicing smiling with my mouth closed. Because, on Thursday, top front tooth? She’s coming out, baby. I feel like a cat about to be de-clawed — only I know what’s coming. Thursday, at 3:30. Mark your calendars, and pray to the gods of Ativan for me because the gods of Laughing Gas, alas, did not come through.

And, yes, I’m trying to fit as many self-maintenance appointments in before Thursday. I’m determined to look my absolute best for the extraction. Today: haircut. Tomorrow: I’m doing a SERIOUS heated-room Ashtanga yoga class (yes, ASHTANGA — even though I’ve been an IYENGAR girl for 27 years) because I’m obsessed with yoga in all its forms and, let’s face it, I need to burn some major cals; then I’m getting a complementary style makeover (more on that later). Wednesday: facial and eyebrows.

And when I walked into the dentist’s office today (again again again), I felt pretty good because they noticed my haircut *cough.* No. I went numb because they handed me the box. And they opened it….

My denture, Gorgeouses. Two of them, actually — one for day time (pink), and one for night time (invisalign with a denture inside). I’ll be wearing these for up to a year while I grow BONE to support a permanent implant. Can you BELIEVE???????

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!!!!!

Here’s the cat-who’ll-eat-anything eating the elastic they gave me to hold the terrible box together….

How come he gets to have all his teeth and I don’t?

Hrumph. OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!!!!

Love…

xo Haley-O

`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe….

–Lewis Carroll, “Jabberwocky,” 1872

I always imagined the reader of Carroll’s “Jabberwocky” having a lisp. But I never imagined I would ever have one…. After yesterday’s meeting with the dentist — the fifth one in the past month — it seems I may, indeed, be sporting a lisp in addition to the likely-imperfect temporary denture I’ll pop in immediately after they extract my top front tooth NEXT THURSDAY.

We had a long talk yesterday, the dentist and I. He had a whole speech prepared for me — for me, who is what he called “sensitive.” He wanted to prepare me for the reality of what’s to come this year. For it will, indeed, be a year before I have a permanent tooth in place and, we hope, a celebrity-perfect smile.

Thank God, I remind myself: not an eye, a leg, a breast. Just a tooth. Just a tooth. Just a top front tooth. There’s humour in that. There’s humour in that. Hahahahaha! So FUNNY!!!

And he put that speech in writing for me to take home and pin on my wall when things…ARE BAD. Like the lisp. (I may have a LISP for a few months.) Like a “concavity” I may develop just above the gum line. (I may have a gory smile for a few months.) Like the raised gum line on four front teeth that I’ll have for six weeks. (I may have a GORY smile for a six weeks.) Plastic surgery, baby. That’s what this is, and how very Real Housewives of Orange County of me.

I am thoooo trendy. Brillig.

It all goes down next Thursday. A test of vanity, ’tis.

BRING. IT. ON.

I may even do a party trick or two at Blogher….

Don’t let me drink.

The good news is I’ll have something to wear at night — INVISALIGN *cough* — so I won’t actually have to go to sleep toothless. Phew…..

The good news is, too, that I’m not the only GORJ CELEBRITY (heh, self-esteem in progress) who’s missing a front tooth (well, will be as of Thursday…). DEMI MOORE LOST HER FRONT TOOTH LAST YEAR AND POSTED PHOTOS ON TWITTER! Here’s the thread (via Celebitchy):

Haha @charwils65 I personally thought this look went out after you were 8 didn’t know I would be rocking it again!

Thanks @sugarhigh77 was happy to share and always appreciate the opportunity to find humilty!!! Or at least be able to laugh at myself!

Haha @questionoflife are you a dentist? No implant but thank god for modern dentistry!

That means alot coming from you thx for the love HS! RT @hotstewart Gurrrrrl!!! Own that gap in your teeth! OWN IT GURRRRL!! HOT!

lol RT @panina: @mrskutcher i bet that u’ll be the guest star in the new sequel of “LOST ” (MY TOOTH) ))

Needless to say, I’m her new biggest fan. And I may just tape these pictures on my bathroom mirror, for those dark times this coming year, when I’m cleaning my denture….

Now all I need is a pair of those sunglasses…. And a good thpeech therapitht.

LOVE!

xo Haley-O

I cried in the grocery store this afternoon. Sobbed walking up and down the aisles. I’m pretty sure it’s not PMS. I’m pretty sure it’s the tooth, and the denture I’m going to have to wear on my FRONT TOOTH for a whole year while the bone grows enough (we hope) to hold an implant — the bone that’s disintegrated into next-to-nothing because it’s been infected for SEVEN YEARS.

So, I cried in the grocery store. And then an acnefied survey guy approached me in the pasta aisle: “Do you have a few minutes?” he asked me, “I just wanted to show you this new — .” “Not a good time,” I interrupted, looking up finally and showing him my bloodshot eyes and tear-stained cheeks. He smiled and let me go, then chased after me with a coupon for free pop, which I accepted and then placed on a shelf because my fridge is packed with kale and spinach and broccoli because I need to grow bone — greens have good calcium. Also, I’m very anti-pop. Or soda, or whatever. Anything carbonated strikes me as just wrong….

I’m just sad. It was all funny at first — this whole toothless thing. But, I’ve now met with the ceramicist who’s creating the denture, and the periodontist who’s going to pull the tooth out, raise my gums (ack), and eventually screw in the implant. And, after all that, I may not even get an implant. It might be a bridge.

It’s just hard. I’ve struggled enough with my weight — post pregnancy — and now I have to deal with a denture that might not look so great for a year, that I have to take out and clean after meals ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

It’s totally superficial, I know. I’m lucky it’s not my nose, my ear, my breast. It’s just a tooth. A *cough* top front tooth. But, it’s still a big ordeal. It’s procedure after procedure after painful procedure. And, as it said in the agreement I had to sign, losing a tooth can be psychologically trying, especially — as the periodontist assistant pointed out ad nauseum — a front tooth. For a year.

Here’s hoping it’ll be successful. Here’s hoping I don’t look like Hilary Duff at the end of this. (They have to rework all four of my front teeth to make me hot again.) Or, maybe that I DO look like Hilary Duff….

In the meantime, a little comic relief because HUFF. Check what Rascal wore to his playdate the other day — too. much.

Also, the Monkey can DRAW….

Rascal’s…getting there, too!

The balance! composition! colour scheme. Bril-lers.

Talk about brillers, SPECTACULAR, heart filling-up WONDERful — go see Alice in Wonderland in IMAX 3D….

DEPP!

That movie, and the triple upgrade at the Park Hyatt Hotel, sans children, and my Pure + Simple gifty from Josh made our seventh anniversary beyond memorable. Beyond!

There, see, I have so many things to smile about. Just not too wide. (For the next year.) So as not to expose. The tooth.

Here’s hoping my dentist can keep his promise and make the tooth (both temp and final) look awesome. Right? Right.

UPDATE: My dentist just called me — it’s 10pm. He called to reassure me that everything’s going to be okay (and that I won’t look like Hilary Duff). If I can’t get an implant or the denture looks like crap, he’ll put in a bridge or some other wonderful technological marvel. I’m in good hands. Still. This sucks.

Love….

xo Haley-O

P.S.: In case you haven’t seen it yet, I’m hosting a Pure + Simple giveaway over at Goodies. Open to GTA and beyond (Canada/US). CHECK IT.

When I was around eleven years old, my parents took my brother, sister and me on a boating excursion. We stayed on a big houseboat. My sister and I slept head-to-foot in a narrow bottom bunk bed, my brother got the top bunk, and we all ate and drank out of red-and-white plastic dishes. My dad wore a sailor’s hat, and my mom wore light, large-rimmed glasses and barrettes in her hair. We were the picture of leisure.

Until we got back on land. The parking lot a bed of stones. Ripe for throwing. At my sister. In the stomach. Or so my brother said. Bad aim. MY MOUTH. MY TOP RIGHT FRONT CENTRE TOOTH. Broken. Badly.

My brother got his allowance taken away, and he lost his TV privileges for a week. I, on the other hand, got a bonding on my tooth, years of tooth anxiety (since that bonding kept spontaneously breaking off at, of course, the most inopportune times), AND 10+ root canals and other surgeries — I stopped counting after the 10th, but trust me when I tell you I know every endodontist in Toronto. It was what my brother likes to call, “the gift that keeps on giving.” So not fair.

Two days ago, I learned that the gift will give no more. ALAS, I am losing my FRONT TOOTH.

It’s going to be a lo-ho-hong process. Within the next month, after many, MANY consultations, I’ll have my front tooth knocked out, bone surgery and gum surgery to make this thing perfect. In the end, I’ll have a permanent implant put in, which will apparently be GORJ. But, again, it’s a long process. While my gums and bone heal and prepare for the implant for nine months — ARE YOU READY FOR THIS (if you haven’t already heard me exploding about it all over twitter)? — I will be wearing what I’ve heard called a “flap,” “flipper,” or DENTURE in place of the tooth. This wouldn’t be so bad…, IF ONLY I DIDN’T HAVE TO TAKE IT OUT AT NIGHT!

And, of course, I’m going to the BlogHer conference in August, sharing a room with other bloggers…. I better not drink ANYTHING. Because if my toothless grin ends up on the internets I don’t know what I’ll do.

A-ny-way.

That was Tuesday. The weirdest day of my life. That same day, I got a gap in my front yard to match the impending one in my mouth — the universe, like all my friends online and off, poking fun at me. (I was way late getting my camera out.) WEIRD….

That same day, I took the Monkey and Rascal to the YoGabbaGabba show at the Elgin Theatre (with EMMA, Sandra “MAMALOOPER” and their adorable kids). And YoGabbaGabba is, like, a trip on TV, let alone LIVE. WEIRD….

I played FREEZE with Chris Murphy from the band SLOAN. WEIRD….

From YoGabbaGabba, I learned Rascal has a new dance move: the stripper hands-slicking-the-hair-back move. Here are the hands on their way down. WEIRD….

After YoGabbaGabba, Emma, Sandra and I bravely walked all five kids to Terroni. Trust me, WEIRD….

…and they were all CRAZY. BIG PROPS to the staff at the Terroni on Queen. After Terroni, we were all zonked. I schlepped the kids four blocks from the restaurant, through the EATON CENTRE, back to our car….

And, when I got back to the car, I found the perfect evidence of the unspeakable kid craziness that transpired at Terroni. A dirty fork — IN MY PURSE. WEIRD….

That night, as Josh and I relaxed in front of the TV and our respective drugs of choice — him Facebook, me Twitter — someone started BANGING on our front door. We both shot up, looked outside, and saw someone run away. I ran to the door, and Josh said “NO,” then ran downstairs, and came back with a BAT, a police flashlight, and a hat. He was a man on a mission. He opened the front door, saw everything looked okay, said, “LOCK THE DOOR,” and stomped after the runaway. I waited nervously by the window, Macbook in hand. I was frozen, though. Shockingly unable to tweet until he was home safe.

Turns out a bunch of teenagers were egging the street. We’re lucky all we got was a loud knock on the door. Apparently, the boys FLED when they saw Josh-O stomping after them with flashlight and bat in hand. Scary dude.

WEIRD!

Tooth out!!!

Love!

xo Haley-O

P.S.: THERE’S A GIVEAWAY AT CHEATY GOODIES. My fave online/offline store and spa PURE + SIMPLE IS BACK! Check it. And enter! Their stuff is the BEST.

She got another freaky little doll….

Of course, you want (nay, need) to know their names (from left to right): LOUISA, ROSE-MARSHMALLOW, MARSHMALLOW, ROSEBUD.

Marshmallow is her favourite, her first….

I have other news. But it has to wait because I’m TOO TIRED from this WEIRDEST DAY EVER. Weird and fun, but full of suckage. Albeit funny suckage (I admit it’s funny even though am crying a little bit still). I’ll save it for tomorrow’s post. But, I’ll give you a few hints to tide you over (there’s also my twitter stream with ALL the crazy deets…):

Oof.

Love….

xo Haley-O

P.S.: THERE’S A GIVEAWAY AT CHEATY GOODIES. My fave online/offline store and spa PURE + SIMPLE IS BACK! Check it. And enter! Their stuff is the BEST.