I love the number three. Right now, as I think of the number three, a vision of the swimming pool at my in law’s country house surfaces in that hazy space between my temples — the monkey taking another step into the cold, sparkly water: “Mama!” she proudly exclaims, “I’m on the THREETH step! I’m on the THREETH step!”

Threeth. I couldn’t bare to tell her the word is “THIRD.” “THIRD.” Because the word should totally be “threeth.” Totally. “Threeth.” Don’t you think?

Wait, so it was somebody’s birthday today!!!!!

Woahhh! How’d that get there. Oh. I guess it’s dinner time. (Heh. Isn’t he GORJ?)

So it was someone’s THREETH birthday today!

Even if I DID put pictures of my kids’ faces on this blog, I’d never be able to catch his. Not today. He’s been too busy playing with the best birthday present EVER (if I do say so myself). It cost a little more than I wanted to spend — but it was so worth it. Look at his little hand. He’s so into it!

I could definitely write a sappy love post to my Rascal. There’d be no shortage of words or sweet nothings. THAT HAND. But I’m a little fahklempt right now. THREE(th). Tired from making this day as awesome as possible for him. Feeling like being quiet.

So here….

Celebrate with us (we had cupcakes).

Rascal, you’re three. You’re my little buddy. My sidekick. My little MAN with your mucka and your moe. I just LOVE you. I cover you with sloppy kisses, you KISSER you. And you whine at me and whine and whine when you’re tired. And you’re so HIGH MAINTENANCE. But it’s worth it for the LOVE and the way you replace your Ls with Ys and the way you drool sometimes when you’re really into what you’re doing or what you’re saying. So full of LOVE you are. And you DO love your mama. You love your mama more than anything, and what a gift it is to be loved more than anything, and I thank you. I love you with my whole heart and soul and every cell and nucleus and atom of my being I love you. I LOVE YOU, my baby.

Sweet Rascal, Happy Birthday.

Love Mama.

This is my theme song for the day. You better turn it on and listen the whole way through and bob your head to the rhythm, or beware MY WRATH….

Look at me.

And a bad bad hair day…. Note, however, the sparkly piggy paint nail polish on my stubby nails. I was so miserable this evening, I stole it from the Monkey and started polishing MADLY. It’s amazing how civilized nail polish can make you feel (it’s only been 80 years since I last wore any) — even if it’s piggy paint. No one has to know….

A bad bad day.

This one’s driving me nuts….

And this one’s been waking me up at 4am….

…and this one (on the right) at 4:30am….

I’m exhausted and frazzled with back-to-school, and my beloved part-time nanny on hiatus for a couple of weeks, and Rosh Hashana, and the Toronto International Film Festival (which I’m proud to be going to as Press, but all ALONE!?), and a birthday party to plan for the Rascal, and the Monkey’s, erm, art projects all over the house….

And Pillars of the Earth is over, and I have headache, and I ate ketchup for dinner, and head is throbbing above right eyebrow, slight twitches in left eyelid and right side of upper lip. Snarrrrl.

At least I still have Bachelor Pad….

And MARGE….

I’m going to bed. With Marge.

Think of me at 4am…. When you’re sleeping soundly and I’m running furiously down the stairs to get Rascal fresh water. Aaaargh!

Love!

xo Haley-O

Ohh, the Google hits I will get from all those wonderful people out there on the lofty virtual quest for “monkeys riding bikes.” It’s sure to be stat-blowing. I mean, if I get as many people coming here for this (a sure thing) as I do for my now-famous-among-foot-fetishists “Worst Celebrity Feet” post — a proud, proud moment in my blog writing career — we will rival Perez Hilton. No. Doubt. Anyway, the post hasn’t even begun, and I digress.

I digress.

So I have a video for you. A “vlog,” if you will. One of my more web-savvy friends tells me THE PEOPLE WANT MORE VIDEO on the Internets, so I’ve been taking video for you. Plus I write all day, so this gives me a bit of a breather. Mind you….

Anyway, now it’s your turn to indulge me. Maybe it was the heat today, I don’t know. But, to me? This video of my kids attempting to ride their bikes is hilarious. Checkit! (You may want to turn down the volume. I took the video on my blackberry — hence the fuzzies and high volume. Bygones!)

The video was cut short, in case you didn’t hear, because the Monkey SCREAMED for me: “MOM!” You can imagine how frustrating it is when it’s 100,000 degrees outside and your kindergartner is screaming while walking her bike. Did I mention sooo slowly?

So did you laugh? Come on, did you see the Rascal barely sitting on the bike? Pretty much riding the bike as if it were a scooter (only without any kind of glide or semblance of speed)? Gold!

Love!

xo Haley-O

PS: I am SO excited to show you my very first print article for Today’s Parent. It’s the Celine Dion piece on p. 26 of the October issue, which should be on stands or in subscribing Gorgeouses’ mailboxes any day now. Cannot wait to share it with you! I can’t even tell you the thrill I had reading it to my kids this afternoon (it’s short and cute). The monkey’s eyes lit up in actual admiration…. Sighh. Fahklempt!

She didn’t know exactly what Harry Potter was, but she loved that she “got Gryffindor” when she sat under the “sorting hat” at the Ontario Science Centre’s Harry Potter Exhibition this afternoon.

He didn’t know what Harry Potter was, and he was terrified of the mythical creatures, Hedwig’s hut, and pretty-much anything in a cloak (which obviously posed a bit of a problem), but he loved that he could make magic with his very own Harry Potter wand. And make magic he did….

After the Science Centre I (bravely) took them out to dinner. Just the three of us. We even had to wait 15 minutes for our table.

The last time we went to this restaurant, I had to drag the Rascal out of the restaurant — ON THE FLOOR — screaming….

This time they entertained themselves by entertaining strangers who were also waiting for a table. They ate their dinners and actually patiently waited for me to finish mine.

I realize I’ve probably jinxed myself by blogging about this truly magical day with well-behaved and totally enjoyable children. But I don’t care. I’ve been working like a dog lately — wait ’til you see the fun articles I wrote for Today’s Parent this month (one of them’s a really fun quiz!) — and what you see here is what spontaneously spilled out of me when I opened up my macbook to say hi to you Gorgeouses! HI!

Here’s hoping I didn’t jinx myself because I’m off to a cottage tomorrow for some serious R&R. Josh will meet us there on Friday, if he ever recovers from the vile flu bug he caught from me…. And I didn’t even have the decency to go out and get him cold medicine. Cold medicine doesn’t work for the flu! And I was exhausted from, ahem, the Science Centre and dinner out with — as well-behaved as they were — two cheaty, cheaty little monkeys…..

One more thing before I pass out of utter exhaustion. My puppy Betty White? With her freakish underbite, she looks curiously like “Kyle” from Despicable Me…. Checkit:

Uncanny, isn’t it!? We’ll revisit this comparison when I have more time to research better photos. Pinky swear….

Anyway. I won’t be blogging until next week. But I’ll tweet, fo’shizzle. I need the break. BUT, you will be able to find me on twitter and Celebrity Candy.

Have a great weekend!

Love!

xo Haley-O

As many of you know by now, I am a woman of extremes. One day I’m letting it go, and the next, today, I’m reining it in. What is up with my karma, Gorgeouses? I have some major, major karma to deal with. I mean, obviously, it could be worse — like, Oedipus (dude had some bad Karma), Anne Boleyn or George Costanza…. But this is definitely a karmic situation. And I’m not talking this Situation, for the record….

Looove. Seriously. Not in a Clive Owen kind of way.

I just struggle. I really struggle with the day-to-day stuff. My problem is that I just want to do whatever I want. Period. I struggle between my intense desire to do whatever I want and my severe desire to live an ideal life. I get completely overwhelmed by the idea that there may be a balance between these two extremes — freedom and restriction — but, I know, there is freedom in restriction, and that there is so, so much restriction in, erm, gluttony….

Woahh, this is getting to heady for us.

Take my puppy Betty White, for example. She knows exactly what she wants or needs to do. She’s perfect at it if you think about it — running in the yard, eating when she’s hungry, attacking me with kisses while I’m driving…. She’s definitely one of my idols when it comes to my karmic situation. Not this Situation, for the record….

Looove. Seriously. Not in a Javier Bardem kind of way.

Before we continue our very important conversation here, can we talk about Mr. Bardem’s serious hotness in Eat, Pray, Love for a second? Omigosh, SWOON. Hold on a sec, here….

Paaaaaaauuuuuse………

Sure, I’m one lucky woman. Not as lucky as Julia Roberts, who got to spoon Javier Bardem….

But she did it. Or, her character, Elizabeth Gilbert did it, or at least wrote the book about it. Elizabeth Gilbert — the same woman who reminds me that no woman, none of us, really knows what she’s doing these days. We have oodles of choices, and, having no oodles-of-choices predecessors, we struggle with what to do with these oodles. Here, let her say it herself….

No wonder, amid a sea of Eat, Pray, Love haters (I know you’re out there), I love Elizabeth Gilbert. She and I are, like, the same person: neurotic and struggling among the extremes of pleasure, restriction and relationships, and we are a wee bit obsessed with yoga, writing and eating. Fast forward to the last few minutes of the video….

Oh, heady again.

…When all I meant to write about was Betty White at the dinner table….

(Underbite.) She’s out of control!

(Tongue. Also chili.)

And he! He stole my favourite lip gloss!

(Bottom-teeth gap.)

And this. Between me and my macbook….

(Withkerth.) — You have to say that one out loud to understand it.

Out of control. Or, in Canadian speak, OOT of control. I’m starting to talk like that, Gorgeouses. For real life, eh? (“For real life” is actually Monkey speak for “For real” — FYI.)

Sighh. Anyway, I think I’m going on a diet (ish). And I’m doing Ashtanga yoga again — an hour or so every day but Saturdays and moon days.  Because it’s one or the other for me. I just feel like there’s freedom in it. In not having to choose all the time…. Dammit.

One day I’ll write the book on my karmic roller-coaster journey among extremes. And I’ll call it Dogs at the Dinner Table. It has a ring to it, right? On the cover, a picture of me and Betty White in downward-facing dog pose…. You can read it on your Kobos (my latest obsession. see twitter).

What I learned from a day in Niagara Falls….

I learned not to take my kids into ANY of the wax museums because there will be FREDDY KRUEGER. A less terrified-of-Freddy blogger would insert a photo here.

I can’t deal.

I learned that the incredibly beautiful Falls give good mist. My skin was oh-so-dewy!

I learned that there IS a city in this world that doesn’t have a single vegan morsel to eat — I mean other than a soggy salad fit for gargoyles (they tried!).

I learned that Frankenstein and Dracula ARE ALIIIIIVE….

I learned that I’m “the coolest chick, yeah you are!” Check this video, Gorgeouses. I took it just for you. These two lovelies were sitting at separate tables, and, apparently, when we sat down to eat, my big hat was blocking his view of her. So I took my hat off, and their love was set free…. After he bought her a glass of wine, loudly, she whispered, “why don’t you come here?” He didn’t want to leave his buddy (who, you’ll see, can do a mean chair dance). So, she went over to him. I had to get them on video, just for you. Forgive my total geekiness. I was having fun….

So you see. I have proof. I. Am the coolest chick, yeah I am. Hee. They did let me put their video online. I always ask permission (because I’m coo like dat) — hence my URGENCY: “SAY IT FOR THE PEOPLE!” *Cough.* If they only knew….

I learned that when you least expect it, some people can be a total HOOT. Love.

You can just ponder that all with this lovely view of Niagara Falls, and more.

This vid’s a little less exciting (which says a lot), but more beautiful. Mind you, there is some uninteresting conversation showcasing my only slight (alas it’s true) tendency toward ditsiness, which the voyeur in you might like….

Love!
xo Haley-O

I’ve been loving this season’s So You Think You Can Dance. I wasn’t sure about the new “all-star” format, but it’s working for me. Love it. ANYWAY, if you happened to miss Billy and Ade’s contemporary piece last night, you must checkit — to borrow Mia’s words, it was “sheer perfection”….

Phenomenal. The artistry, the philosophy, the beauty, all speak to me. FAHKLEMPT!

Things are a bit insane around here as we plan for a 10-day trip — first to the in laws’ farm and then to the BIG APPLE for BLOGHER (talk about MAD WORLD…)!

We’re driving, so please wish me luck. If you knew my kids (like, in real life), you’d know I need all the luck I can get. As per my kids’ orders, I’ll be filling my iPod with various versions of this damn song that they both beg me for constantly (GGAHH!) — Rascal: “Mama, I wah ‘Aw da way up, aw da way down’”….

Don’t ask….

I’ll also make sure I have a good lineup of what the Rascal thinks are songs from his favourite movie Cars — but that are really all my favourite songs from the Glee soundtrack. Hee.

You can definitely find me on twitter throughout the week (say hi!), here at Cheaty Monkey as often as I can make it, and I’ll be keeping my celeb blog up to date at Today’s Parent, among other things there.

Oh, and guess who’s coming with us?

BETZ! Betty White is coming with us. And a cat sitter is staying with the kitties. You can see he’s thrilled about it….

Lip….

Okay! I have a 6am Ashtanga yoga class to get up for. Good night!

Love!

xo Haley-O

Oy, look at how mature her little hand is. FIVE. The Monkey’s five years old tomorrow (Wednesday, July 28). FIVE.

She was only 8 months old when I started writing this blog. It took a little tinkering, but I ended up naming the whole thing after her.

I’ve been calling her “Cheaty Monkey” since she was a wee 2 days old. After an hour of breastfeeding her, I’d catch her very convincingly pretending to feed so she could stay on my breast forever. Then I’d say, “you cheaty little monkey!” Anyone who heard me call her that would laugh. So I thought, a name like that might scare some readers away, but it’s me, and it’s her, and it’s making people laugh. So there it was. Cheaty Monkey. Totally inspired by my now five-year-old. FIVE!

I also called her “Ruby Tuesday,” for some mysterious reason (still do). But it never occurred to me to name my blog that…, fortunately. Whenever she did something really silly or funny, I’d hold out my arms and say, “RUBY TUESDAY!” And then I’d clobber her with kisses.

Can you believe this blog was once called “A Blog of Her Own” and then, ack, “Halespace”? Yes, Gorgeouses, it’s true! Thankfully, and soon enough, I realized that the perfect blog name, my very inspiration, was right in front of me, scootching on her bum all over my living room, all over the floor at Starbucks and, I remember distinctly, at the baby-camp-that-shall-not-be-named. (Remember that? No hard feelings. I should have known better. I was young….) Man, did that scootch make people laugh….

The monkey inspired this space, Gorgeouses; she inspired me to pursue writing. Is this sappy enough? Wait, I’m not done yet! I hope (and pray) I can inspire her to pursue her greatest passions….

And here we are celebrating her 5th birthday together. FIVE.

In honour of her birthday, we had Sleeping Beauty herself entertain the Monkey and a lovely bunch of mini princesses last weekend….

And, as you can sort of see in that photo way above (the princess figurines were quickly swiped before we could get a photo!), we got the perfect pink peanut-free cake from my friend Fran from Frantastic Treats. (Alas, I totally added 5 pounds of that CAKE to my butt!)

Tomorrow we celebrate some more. We’re having a party at it’sgrandma’s house, and the Monkey’s bringing fancy cupcakes to camp with her. Not just any cupcakes, mind you. These cupcakes are apparently ALL NATURAL. The lady at the bakery told me: “Yes,” she said, “they’re all natural — the Oreo cupcakes are made of real Oreos.” Heh.

My Cheaty little Monkey, HAPPY BIRTHDAY. You are, as you were from Day 1, AMAZING and HILARIOUS and ADORABLE and RIDICULOUSLY CREATIVE and SMART and BEAUTIFUL and CHARISMATIC and CHEATY — a cheaty, cheaty little monkey. And you continue to inspire me every single day, you magical, sparkly, precious little princess!

I love you. Five! Five! FIVE! Happy Birthday!

Love!

xo Haley-O

Betty White insisted I show you all her new haircut. So, here….

Underbite….

Tell her she looks CUTE. She loves it. Seriously? I can’t deal. I have officially fallen HARD for this little thing. Love love love.

Other than loving, bathing, walking and feeding ALL my animals, I’ve been keeping busy lately.

Still with the yoga…. This week my practice has mysteriously taught me not to form “stories.”

We do that, you know? We think of someone, and immediately our minds create a story around him or her. Like, you think of so-and-so and the scandal, or so-and-so and what she said to you that one time when she was in a hurry, or that email so-and-so didn’t send you. All stories.

Here’s a little yoga practice idea for you (I’ll save you the 1.5 hours daily on the mat…for now): screw the stories. Or simply recognize them for a start…. Because, ever notice how your impressions of people change in a heartbeat? One minute you loathe someone, and the next they send you a thoughtful tweet or two, and you love them. It’s all stories. Stories stories stories. Just notice them. It’s pretty liberating to let the story-telling go, or at least to see it for what it is and let people (and things, anything) be.

Still with the social-life organizing…. Yesterday, I had the Monkey’s AND the Rascal’s friends over for dinner. What was I THINKING?

This, of course, after a long day of work. And I’ve been a writing MACHINE this week. (Check my latest “In the news” blog posts on the fan page.) I even actually made the kids a fancy tahini salad dressing, which they loved! They were asking for more BROCCOLI! One of these days I’ll update the kitch with new recipes…. Promise.

Still doing fun stuff with the Monkey and it’sGRANDMA…. It’sgrandma, Monkey and I went to a Mark’s fashion show today. Honestly? Marks doesn’t pay me to say any of this. They’ve simply shown me their stuff and not asked a thing of me. I’ve featured them on Today’s Parent, and I wear a ton of their clothes because…I love them! The clothes are stylish, comfortable and they actually look good on ME. I lived in Lululemons for years until I discovered Mark’s (recently). So, I’m happy to share their awesomeness with you.

Mark’s is also awesome because they let it’sgrandma AND the Monkey join me at their big fall fashion show event today, and they treated the Monkey like gold….

The fashion show MC even said she was “the star of the show”! Which she loved…. More pics!

Loved this outfit (and the model loved the Monkey)! I’ve asked them to make these boots in SYNTHETIC vegan fabric; we’ll see what they come up with (heh). They DO have fab down-free winter vests and cotton (not wool) hats, mits, scarves and cardis! Yay!

PJs! And gigantic teddy bear….

UNDIES UNDIES UNDIES! The best part of the show. I couldn’t believe my eyes. Yes, hot dudes in UNDIES. Check. IT!

Ohhh, yeaaahhh. Everyone was smiling.

I accidentally squirted the gorj sandy-blond-haired guy (below) IN THE FACE with a water gun later on in the show. *Cough.* I didn’t mean to, but….

…but he was SO HOT…! And he was wearing goggles — which is open invitation for water in the face, no? Even though we were simply asked to test the water resistance of the jacket he was wearing. Oops….

In case you were wondering, when the show was over, the Monkey absolutely did her little thing on the catwalk….

Oy!

Okay, off to bed. I have 6am yoga practice at the studio tomorrow. Wish me luck! No stories, ‘kay?

Love!

xo Haley-O

We had our first lemonade sale today. The Monkey was so excited about it yesterday she could hardly sleep. Of course, I was blasé about it. I’ve often wished I could get as excited about such mundane family activities as going to the park or Canada’s Wonderland, as I do about going to the kid movies, like Toy Story 3 or Despicable Me (can’t wait for that one!), or eating muffins together at, erm, Starbucks.

But I’m working on it. See, I noticed something. I’ve been tired lately. I mean, seriously, tired. Anyone who’s either gone out with me or attempted to go out with me in the past month or so will have noticed. I am tired. Granted, my whole lifestyle has changed. I now no longer have any free time to myself. I go from working 9am-1pm to tending to a very high-maintenance little Rascal, then picking up his sister,  entertaining them both until dinner (which, of course, has to be cooked at some point), and, finally, completing my at-home work hours, cleaning up and making camp lunches in the evening.

So, I haven’t been able to blog much. What, once a week, max? It’s not so much because I can’t make the time, but because I don’t have the energy, because I am tired. And — surprise surprise — I blame Starbucks.

See, it’s like a drug. No, it’s not like a drug; it IS a drug. The more I drink it, the more I want it. In case you don’t already know, I’m talking about the devil itself: grande soy no-water tazo chai latte. Rolls off the tongue, it does….

Most of you know well how hard I’ve battled with this mad drink. MAD. I’ve known it was bad for me, even though everyone else was whatevs about it. I’ve unintentionally gotten a bunch of you Gorgeouses hooked on this demonic drink. Well, now I’m serious. I mean, I mean business. It’s a drug.

Like any hardcore drug, I went off it for a few days, and I was tired — major withdrawal. But now? Three days later (I made it!)? NOT TIRED. Miraculously NOT TIRED. No massive mid-day slump. NONE. I can WALK again at 3pm.

It’s a drug, I repeat. A DRUG. Like any hardcore drug, the more you drink it, the more you want it. One chai in the morning was no longer satisfying my NEED. And there was no way I was going to start buying a second chai in the afternoon, so I was passing out for want of it. Tired. Beyond tired. So, I quit it. Quit it for good. No joke. I never EVER want to feel that tiredness again.

So, lemonade stand! Already I’m excited again…. Not mundane at all. She made a sign!

And he made a sign to go with it (couldn’t you just…OY!)….

Unfortunately (my former addicted self may have said fortunately), I had to skip out for a bit to do a work assignment at the Distillery District downtown. Isn’t it fab?

It was like a mini vacation. No Starbucks required. And the whole excursion took me an hour and half….

I returned home to a topless Rascal and bikini-clad monkey enjoying some swimming in our neighbour’s front yard. Heaven! I loved this day! Maybe next week we’ll go to the Distillery District….

How was your weekend? Stay off that chai, Gorgoueses, okay? Take it from me. I’m so serious.

Love! xo Haley-O

ARTICLE ROUNDUP (my latest Today’s Parent / Canadian Parents Online articles):

Toys That Make You Go Hmmm…: The 9 most curious children’s toys ever made (This one ended up on the home page of MSN – woohoo! And it’s a funny one! If you check any of them, check THIS ONE!)

So you want to be a mom blogger: six things you need to know

11 Baby Shower Games

10 Maternity-wear Must-haves

Is It OK to Drink When You’re Pregnant

Of course, please check out my celeb blog CELEBRITY CANDY for constant updates.