I had planned on blogging sooner, but, as those of you who keep up with me on Twitter know, our beloved Maarge has been really ill.

It started last week. All of a sudden, as I was leaving the house to take the kids to school, Maarge flipped over on her side, started foaming at the mouth, and seemed to be struggling over and over again to get up. When she finally got up, she just stared blankly for about 20 – 30 seconds. I dropped the kids off at school and immediately called the vet. They told me to bring her over as soon as possible.

Maarge was happy at the vet, purring too loudly for them to check her heart. So they had to take her to another room. And I sat alone in silence.

When they returned with her, she came right up to me and (this cat-who-doesn’t-kiss) kissed me delicately just below my lower lip.

After that vet visit, which ended optimistically because of Maarge’s happy mood, everything went downhill. What followed was seizure after seizure — each one more aggressive and violent than the last. It was horrific, disturbing and messy. And on top of it all, I was struggling with a brutal cold, Josh was away, my parents were away, and the kids were sick. I can’t believe I got through that madness.

For the next two nights I didn’t sleep because Maarge kept having seizures beside my bed, under my bed, around my bed. I waited patiently through each one to see if she would survive, watching and waiting as she stared, drooled, foamed and urinated.

When I talk to people about this, they often tilt their heads, look at me with sympathy, and ask, “Do you think maybe, I mean, I know it’s hard, but do you think you should maybe put her down?”

And you know, I asked the vet the same question. The morning after that first all-nighter with Maarge, I took her to the vet with the expectation that this might be it for her. But they said no. At her age (almost 16), it’s likely she has a brain tumour. So we could put her through exhaustive tests — MRIs and cat scans (ohh, I just got that terrible pun now…) to get to the bottom of this. But that’s not the goal. If they were to find a tumour, would we operate on her at her age? No. All I want to do is stop the seizures. I want to see her get fat, for once, sleep, purr, and just go in peace.

Yes, my goal right now is to let her die with dignity. It could be a week from now; it could be two years. My meticulous Maarge (it’s really spelled MAAARGE! but I’m so tired…) doesn’t deserve to die a mess like this. Although she’s ravenous and lethargic from the anti-seizure medication I now have to give her around the clock (until her every-12-hour pill kicks in), she’s beginning to clean herself again, she’s started lifting her head and trilling again when I walk by her, and she’s purring. As long as she’s happy, she’s not going anywhere.

Maarge has been my pretty, creepy little shadow for years: through university, my engagement, marriage, my crazy pregnancies, my children, new jobs, new cats, old cats, new dogs. Watching. Witnessing it all. And when I’m away from her, I see her in the shadows, creeping around in my peripheral vision. I hear her purring and trilling.

She’s the first pet I got on my own; I took her with me to university in London, Ontario, the first day I got her. She’s been a key character in this blog from the beginning. So you know, losing her is hard.

For now I’m going to spend any energy I can spare giving back to her for all she’s given me. Which means wiping her down even though she gets uncharacteristically ornery!

And look, she’s looking straight at the camera for the first time, maybe ever (I just took this photo this evening)….

MAAARGE!

Love…
xo Haley-O

Happy Holidays, Gorgeouses!

I have nothing to say. Mostly because I’ve been eating way too much sugar. So now, as I sit down and attempt to craft a brilliant Happy-Holidays blog post, all I hear in my mind is this: bzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Eventually the sugar buzz will go away, and I’ll probably have to eat some more sugar. UGH, there are just so many sugary goodies in my house. IT’S SO UNFAAAAAAAIR! How am I supposed to eat healthy when, for example, our amazing Todaysparent.com General Manager, Elana, leaves THIS on my desk….

Of course, it’s vegan and fair trade, so there were no excuses for me NOT to devour this chocolate-mint DREAM….

Well, anyway, I managed not to eat the whole bar. But it sat just like that on my desk all day, staring at me and calling my name. “Haaaaaaley! Haaaaaaaaley! Eeeeeeeat meeeee! Noowwwwwww! I’m yuuuuuuummy and will make your world preeeeeeeeeeetty!” So as soon as work ended and I got in my car to pick up the kids, I tore open the luscious green wrapper and scarfed a good chunk of it down like an ancient, ancient Neanderthal man in winter. I probably shouldn’t bother with the metaphors, huh? Bzzzzzzzzzzz…..

Despite my extreme sugar consumption, I have been going to yoga every day — except for those two days when, A, I had a rare migraine headache and couldn’t see anything (AND I still practiced blindly in my bedroom while the kids pointed at me and laughed) and, B, my alarm didn’t go off (I swear, it didn’t go off! Why won’t anybody believe me!?). In the New Year, I’m committing to a full 6-days-a-week practice…. And I’m going to really try to lose weight. No, really. REALLY.

I’m not going to go crazy and say I’m quitting sugar and wheat and chai lattes. As my friend Alice suggested, I’m just going to keep it simple and limit sugary and salty extremes: I’m going to eat grains and vegetables at every meal (lunch and dinner, anyway), and one soup; and I’m going to enjoy a fresh juice, fruit and/or tea in the morning instead of grabbing a chai latte.

In the meantime, I’m high on sugar. Bzzzzzz….. And I have to wake up early for yoga.

Oh gosh. I need water….

In the New Year, there will definitely be fewer sugar rushes. I’ve been feeling tired from all the sweet gluttony, and I haven’t been eating lunch. And due to protruding sugar gut, my yoga twists are awful again — like the books I’ve been collecting on my shelf at work, only not as HILARIOUS….

And bzzzzzzzz…. Nothing.

As I vowed on Today’s Parent‘s Facebook page earlier this evening, next week I’m going to take a “parenting holiday.” I’m not exactly sure how this is going to go down because I still have to feed the Monkey and Rascal, bathe them and break up the fights! But I’m going to try enjoy my family and relax this holiday without worrying so much about outcomes. “C’we have cookies for breakfast, Mama?” Sure! “Mama? C’we watch ANOTHER movie?” Sure! And just maybe I’ll take a little better care of me for once, instead.

Josh and the kids say HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Betty White says HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Minden says HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Maaaarge came out of hiding to say HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Happy Holidays, Gorgeouses! All the best to you and your families!

Love!

xo Haley-O

And I made a rural pen,
And I stain’d the water clear,
And I wrote my happy songs
Every child may joy to hear.

— William Blake, Songs of Innocence, 1789

I’ve been writing a ton lately. Writing articles, editing articles, and writing blogs posts over at Today’s Parent. So, sighh, I’ve neglected our little spot here again, Gorgeouses. I’m not complaining or making excuses in saying this — not saying I’m tired or busy this time. Just saying I’ve kind of wanted to do other things than sit me down AGAIN and write! It’s just a little tricky fitting all the writing I want to do in. I still have to make lunches at the end of the day, you know? Boil rice. Read stuff. Water the catnip….

Maybe it’d be easier if I didn’t, say, start posts off with a William Blake quote.

Even though my finger tips are numb from writing (and what a blessing that is, really!), and even though I quoted Blake and raised your expectations…, I’m going to try to write little less today and just give our blog some love already, right Gorgeouses? And I know just the DOG to do it. Are you ready? You should probably sit down for this….

As you may know, that’s not a Muppet. That’s our Betty White. I promise you she’s gorgeous. GORGEOUS. Except maybe for the bottom teeth. Have you any idea how many times those adorably terrible teeth have hooked me in the nostril? It’s worth it for the kisses, though. I should probably just stop blogging, shouldn’t I. Heh. *Cough.* I’ll be alright!

Speaking of amazing little lovers (and awesome segues), check out the Rascal in karate class. Can you spot him (the blondie in the centre)?

Look at him jump! Move over, young Michael Jordan and kangaroos!

Speaking of superstars (and more awesome segues), check out the amazing Kino MacGregor! I had the privilege of watching this master yogi of whom I’ve been a fan for a long time practice and share her knowledge, wisdom, experience and sparkle….

Isn’t she amazing? I’m still processing a lot of what she said, mainly her comments on yoga, Being and suffering. Made me think a lot about how I personally use chai lattes to run toward pleasure and away from suffering. Yes, I fell back off the wagon last week, drank chai lattes and have five extra pounds on my belly to show for it. I’ve been speeding through Marichyasana C and D (major twists) to avoid being assisted by my teachers. Too humiliating. Too much suffering.

Anyway, speaking of wise ones and drug addictions, Minden’s loving the catnip I grew him….

Impressive, right? Too bad it makes him barf.

Love!

xo Haley-O (I’ll definitely try to check in more often….)

Since my camera has 1574 photos on it, it looks like we won’t be posting any new photos today — except maybe this terrible photo I snapped and downloaded a few days ago of MAARRRGE with a Halloween skull on her….

I put the skull on her just to take this photo for you, Gorgeouses, and in hopes of bringing back this OLD tradition (whew, that’s an old blog post).

MAARRRGE has become a little high maintenance in her old age. I have to give her a thyroid pill twice a day. But look at her — she’s FIFTEEN and FABULOUS!

I have 10 minutes to write a blog post, and I’m talking kitty geriatrics? Oy veh.

But you know, I was at Blissdom Canada last weekend, and I did my Tribe Leader thing. And someone in the tribe insisted I write mostly about “emotions” and “feelings” in this blog, even though I distinctly demonstrated in my last blog post that I’m not interested feelings, italicized feelings.

So I thought I better write about something that had nothing to do with feelings asap. So here we are. Kitty geriatrics. Booyah!

MAAARRRGE.

Anyway, I only have 10 minutes to write here this week, Gorgeouses, because we have some very exciting stuff going on at Todaysparent.com: we are fully relaunching the website. It is going to be state-of-the-art when it’s fully ready — but getting there is a huge process involving the whole team (actually several teams!). ALL HANDS ON DECK.

So I have to go migrate articles and find photos and format and stylize and edit — while tweeting, Facebooking and writing at most one blog post a day at Celebrity Candy.

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP! That’s 10 minutes!

Love love love! I’ll keep you posted when the seriously adorable new Todaysparent.com site is up and running. In the meantime…, I’m quitting chai lattes officially for what must be the 4,457th time. Wish me luck!

Here’s a quote that should help me and anyone of you with a sweet-cinnamony addiction. I found it in VegNews Magazine (p. 47), which I was flipping through with great agitation earlier today outside the Monkey’s dance class, as the Rascal asked me question after question every two seconds. Checkit:

If you look for sweetness, your search will be endless; if you seek the true taste, you will find what you’re looking for.

Ahhh, the Buddhist axiom! VegNews Mag suggests this one means FRUIT is ultimately sweeter than chai tea lattes. Blergh.

The Rascal has conjunctivitis.

See what’s happening here? 5 extra minutes of PROCRASTINATION. But, whew, it’s amazing (sighh, maybe not amazing) what you can write in 15 minutes. I should do this more often…. GOTTAGO!

Later, Loves!
xo Haley-O

The Monkey decorated our staircase. A skipping rope, my kukui-nut necklace from our Hawaiian honeymoon, a snake doll, Smurfette, Pablo, Elmo, Micky and his bride Minnie all adorn my banister and are making my house a mess home….

Sorry, Gorgeouses, I’ve been too busy to update lately, filling my evenings with celebrity blogging, writing articles, putting the kids to bed, preparing for TIFF, putting the kids to bed, getting my haircut, cleaning dishes, putting the kids to bed again. In other news, I’ve been grabbing my ankles in Urdhva Dhanurasana (hollaahhh!), and tomorrow I have to collect a pee sample from Betty White first thing in the morning before yoga.

Speaking of whom, this is what’s going on on my lap right now (the black mounds at the bottom of the photo would be my curvaceous bod, FYI)….

Sibling rivalry. I know it’s not the best photo. But it’s better than this other one I got when Minden suddenly went in for a kiss (that mysterious object on the bottom left would be his creepy li’l eye, FYI)….

Sighh, it feels good to blog about my cats again — now all I have to do is knit something. The other day I noticed that Minden mysteriously lost a bottom fang. He only has three fangs now. So gorj.

I have to go to bed now so I can wake up and collect Betty’s pee sample. I don’t think anything’s wrong with her, but there was a bit of a curious pee incident at the cottage last weekend, and our vet is insisting we take a sample to make sure she doesn’t have stones or a UTI. Are you fascinated? Nay, riveted? Are you riveted, Gorgeouses?

Ugh, she’s humping him again….

I was listening to this guy‘s podcast on my way to work today (he was my best friend in kindergarten and I love his work). He said ending an addiction could take a “moment”  — or it could take “thousands of years.” A moment…, to think. I think a lot could change if I could end my Starbucks addiction this moment and begin to really feed myself and maybe vow to become a morning person.

School’s starting next week. One weekend to rest and then it starts. Again.

Love….

xo Haley-O

Tweet

And, you know, don’t judge me or anything. If you need to judge someone, you can go ahead and judge my fab book club, since they came to my house and saw the girl-dog-on-boy-cat “action” and insisted I share it with you all, you know, for the sake of authenticity, and such. Oy, without further ado (enough stalling), I give you my freshly titled vlog, THE HUMP. Enjoy…? And may the force be with you….

That. Is my life.

So what do you think? My book club thinks Minden loves it when Betty MOUNTS him. But I know my kitty, and I think otherwise. Poor guy….

I guess he should consider himself lucky, though. Because he could end up like the Rascal’s cat (and several other of Rascal’s favourite stuffed animals)….

Love!
xo Haley-O

P.S. Did you notice my “S”s? My dentist has to file down the back of my new tooth because it’s a little crowded and I’m working HARD not to lisp all the time…. Good. Times.

P.P.S. We were spring cleaning at the time of the video. Hence the MESS.

P.P.P.S. And how about that surprise cameo by The Monkey! Always a diva, she’s starring as SNOW WHITE in her Theatre play today! Squee!

P.P.P.P.S. Have you checked out my Fit/Fab blog at Today’s Parent lately? I’m losing weight! A LOT of weight! Leave a comment about THE HUMP and then CLICKIT! …Thanks Gorgeouses!

P.P.P.P.P.S. Hee. Kidding.

I know I was supposed to write about the curious incident of the white elephant, like, two days ago. But it’s going to have to wait. This has been one of the busiest weeks I’ve had in a long time. And that says a lot. Because I am freaking busy.

And before I continue rambling on in my record-exhausted state, I have to point out how awesome the people at my yoga shala are. I’ve missed three days of practice this week. Part of the reason for that is that the cat’s away: my teacher David Robson and his gorj wife Stan and their ridiculously-adorable baby (seriously, look how gorj they are) are in India for a whole month. I’m pretty sure that if they were here, I’d be in that studio EVEN if I accidentally threw my fake front tooth in the garbage and only realized what I did as the garbage truck went rumbling away……….

By the way, I’m getting a PERMANENT TOOTH next Friday! Can you believe!? Can I get a massive HALLELUJAH? Please, say it with me!

Anyway, I did get to yoga this morning. I apologized to Anna and Oliver and Lisa for not being there and they welcomed me with smiles and a pat on the back and, just, with such understanding and compassion. When I left, all sweaty and buzzing with joy and accomplishment, I talked to Jeff and Jodi outside as we put our boots on. We talked about kids and work and my insane schedule, and they got it. They just got it. They looked at me straight in the eye, and they got it. I felt beautifully, intensely, reliefully understood.

Note Bene: “Reliefully” is not a word. But it should be. Either that or “reliefly.” And maybe now I’m demonstrating the true extent of my exhaustion. Because there must be a grade-two level word to describe being understood in such a relieful way.

And then last night at book club. They got it too! At the end of one of the longest days in the history of my days, I hosted book club. And it was good. I sat back on my own cushy couch with some of my favourite people, talked books and gossip and the little humping thing my (female) dog does to my very reluctant (male) cat — TWISTED — at fairly regular intervals….

And that was what Jana was referring to when she tweeted the above photo of Minden with a caption that read, simply, “Alpha?”

And to that I would only add this — a theme song:

One day I will create a video of my dog’s twisted little hobby to the tune of that song — just for Emma Willer. BWAH! That was because she was being mean to ma dawg on twitter this afternoon. That’s what you get for that. Aside from her twisted humping issue, my Betty White is teh awesome. Even though, on our field trip today, the Monkey may or may not have put her hand up to say, simply, “My – dog – is – so – bad.”

And for ALL of that, I sincerely apologize.

Love!

xo Haley-O

Psssssssssssssst! Comment on this post below, AND THEN, get thee to my brand new “FIT AND FAB WITH HALEY-O” blog at Today’s Parent. I’ll be blogging there Tuesday’s and Thursdays for the next several months. Checkit!

Here’s the thing, though: Josh doesn’t care what I write about on this blog. And it has nothing to do with trust or privacy issues or how good or bad I make him look in the morning. The real reason is BECAUSE HE RARELY READS THIS BLOG. That’s right! My husband rarely reads my blog. Some might find that dysfunctional (and Josh would be fine with that). Others, like me, find it liberating, and fully functional — for EXPLOITATION.

Gorgeouses you are about to witness a cheaty blog SABOTAGE.

See, not only does Josh-O rarely read my blog, but he accused me of being a HOARDER the other day when we went to Costco (for the first time in 10 years, might I add). Apparently, I’m a hoarder because I want a kitty jungle gym in our living room. They had one for $45 dollars (which I’m told is a steal as far as kitty jungle gyms go). And when I saw it, I immediately had visions of our 14-year-old cat, MAAARGE, actually out of our closet.

So he went away on a business trip the other day, and THIS is what he’s coming home to….

A KITTY JUNGLE GYM! And guess who’s the first to know. Not him. But YOU. Because YOU read this blog. BWAH! I’m so evil. This is DELICIOUS!

Yes. I wanted it. I wanted it this jungle gym for MAAARGE and for Minden….

And for all those “mom bloggers” out there whose husbands don’t read every single gorgeous word they write on their blogs. OWN it, Ladies. EXPLOIT it, Ladies. Make him regret it. Make him see the error of his ways and how very incredibly smart you are. Take it back. RAWR!

Call me crazy. Call me hoarder. Call me crazy hoarder. I DON’T CARE. My husband is going to rue the day he called me hoarder. And he may start actually reading this blog for FEAR of future sabotages. Besides, my cats really needed a safe refuge from you-know-who….

Yes. The Rascal and I went to the neighbourhood pet store together to pick up the new jungle gym right after Josh left for his trip….

“Mama,” he said with his cheaty little smile and that cheaty little glint in his cheaty little eye. “Are we going to get da jungo gym foh da kitty cats?”

“Yes, honey. We’re going to the pet store now.”

“Dadda’s gonna HAAAATE it.”

He will. He’s going to hate it. But we love it. Love it. Love it. Love it.

So, Gorgeouses, do you think Josh is going to be throw me in the doghouse for this? For all of this?

Come to think of it, we could use a doghouse…. Maybe on the other side of the living room? Heh.

Wish me luck….

Love!

xo Haley-O

P.S.: Thanks, in advance, to Josh-O for being SUCH A GOOD SPORT! I love you! Also you are very handsome in the morning.

FIVE DAYS.

WORLD RECORD.

And I’m telling you they do — they must — put crack in it.

So I’m tired. I’m going through major withdrawal. And no matter how hard I try, I can’t ignore the fact that he is staring at me as I type this right now here on my computer staring at me right now I SEE YOU. Okay. Come sit on my lap. Bugger.

Love.

They’re coming down the stairs and my eyes are closing. My chapped lips are throbbing. Probably because I was smiling so big as I ran down the stairs this morning to greet my part-time nanny, Rachel — not realizing I’d forgotten to put my front tooth in…. (Thatwasfun.)

I’m getting a full bridge and a crown put in next month. Hallelujah. I will have a front tooth. Actually, because we decided to go with a bridge, I’ll have four brand new front teeth — after only 10 months of what my family likes to call “Hillbilly Haley.” I’m so hot without my tooth in. Like Demi Moore was…. (Here she is talking about her notorious toothless twitter pic….)

Click the pic to view the vid.

When the dentist was doing the moldings for my new teeth yesterday, he was really shocked to learn, as I broke into a fit of panic over the goop he was stuffing in my mouth, that I have a gum phobia. I, like Oprah Winfrey, am afraid of chewing gum. “I’m shocked you’re afraid of gum,” he said. “I didn’t see that on your blog.” You know? Even though I’ve been, as my invisible tagline reads, “chronically oversharing since 2006,” there’s a lot about me you don’t know.

Like my gum phobia. And, umm, erm, uhhh, I won a screaming contest at sleepover camp one year and was in the Miss Dance of Canada pageant when I was 16. I never finished my PhD in English Literature but I got straight A PLUSES in my coursework. My car was burnt down in my garage that year. Other shady things happened. I am gullible. My colleague at Scholastic Canada, Ltd., told me the hole I found in an almond I was about to eat once when I was pregnant was carved by a mouse AND a weevil and I believed him. I even called motherisk to see if I could catch anything from the mouse…or the weevil. I am chewing ice right now.

Thanks to my new colleague at Today’s Parent, who generously brought me a Justin Bieber CD and stickers the other day (really it’s because she needed a partner in crime), I’m now officially a Belieber…. And so is the Monkey….

Possibly even the Rascal — who kept me up all night last night and is therefore (along with no-chai) the reason for all this gibberish.

Love!

xo Haley-O

Ha! HAPPY NEW YEAR, GORGEOUSES!

While my cat is sitting on my computer (actually, it’s Josh’s computer, and that picture was taken last week), I’m here beaming ear to ear and over the moon because this blog — my baby, my Cheaty Little Monkey — has won two Canadian Weblog Awards.

FIRST PLACE for Best Life Blog!

Third place for Best Written Blog!

I’m honoured, grateful and verklempt, of course. And all the other winners are amazing. So go check them out. There are of course so many other awesome blogs out there — please find my personal favourites in my links.

When the awards were announced New Year’s Eve, shortly before the clock struck twelve, I may or may not have done actual somersaults, possibly a full back flip, and lots of rolling around kicking my legs up in the air on the living-room floor in front of our little New Year’s party. Josh, my sister and her husband were very confused when I broke out of nowhere into all that gymnastics and “OMG OMG OMG”s. Half a glass of wine does do funny things to me, but still.

What a way to start the new year.

When I learned I was a finalist a few weeks ago, I started thinking about this blog in a different way. Like it was an entity separate from me — breathing and expanding and contracting on its own while I went about my day. There it stood, more poised than I could ever be, as the jury read it, judged it, graded it. I’m proud of Cheaty Monkey…. And I’m very grateful for everything “she”‘s given me. Seriously.

Sighh. I’d love to stay and chat (believe me), but I really shouldn’t be at my computer writing about life right now. I should be enjoying this brand new cottage with my extended family before we head back to the city.

I also have a Betty White to bark “COME. HERE. NOW.” at — before she gets eaten by a wolf or black bear, or before she dares step dainty paw on the (cracking) ice that’s coating our beautiful lake. I better go…!

Mind you, OMG!, someone’s SKATING by our cottage right NOW. CRAZY! CRAZY! LOOOOK (bottom right)!

It was the best picture I could get, bygones. That person is…CRAZY! And now I can’t even hear my thoughts because the 6 dogs who are here with us are barking at him.

Happy New Year, Gorgeouses! Thank you, as always, for being here.

Love!

xo Haley-O