As you may have noticed in my last post, I’m on a bit of a spiritual kick. And, I know, that doesn’t explain a thing about WHAT THE HELL that post was, but that’s the point (or the non-point). Maybe “spiritual” isn’t the right word. And hopefully this isn’t a “kick.” Because, as I said in that last post, I’m happy — happy not trying to be happy. Because trying to be happy presupposes that I’m not happy. And if I step outside my bumbling brain for a bit and look at things as they are, I’m damn happy. Yeeaahh.

“Spiritual” is definitely not the right word either. I’ve sort of been-there-done-that, and it didn’t stick. It was definitely a “kick.” I don’t even really care if the psychic across the road from the big bookstore I frequent is really psychic or not, or even if I have a “spirit guide,” and what his name is, or if my dead cat is communicating with me when I’m sleeping. Because, at least for me, it doesn’t matter. Matter.

Regular yoga practice is teaching me this. How good practicing yoga makes me feel doesn’t matter. Matter. What matters is what’s here, what’s clear. My cat sitting on my lap, purring, now turning to me with stinky wet kisses, the click-clicking of the keys under my fingertips, my daughter upstairs serenading her dad: “it’s not my fault, the police gave me a ticket once because it’s not catching up to you, na-na-na-na-na” (#wtf?). Time passes quickly, and I’m done squandering my life.

So there are things to let go of. Me, the clinger. Addictions, fears, desires, anxieties. This doesn’t mean I plan on repressing or transcending these things, or never-ever-having-a-Starbucks-soy-no-water-tazo-chai-ever-again-EVER. It just means watching, noticing, observing the patterns, the wanting, the cravings — human stuff that we all get sucked into, stuck in. Not caring where it all comes from or why.

This is all a little something I’m learning from him (ignore the old caption — try)…

…and through him (who happens to have been my best friend when I was around 4-6 years old — so, kind of kismet)…

One day, I’ll have the guts to go to Michael Stone’s studio, maybe take a class, maybe let him know the impact he’s had on my life and, so, the lives around me….

Don’t worry, I’m still loving The Real Housewives. Just dancing more to the beat of my own drummer. And maybe even to a little Alicia Keys, because…

…because that’s what my girls are playing because we’re going to NYC — Blogher ‘10 — this summer with a whole bunch of other fabulous people whom I genuinely love. Come with us!? God help me, my family’s coming, too! But they’ll be staying with Josh’s sister and husband in Brooklyn. Yes, it will be quite the roadtrip. And I expect to overhear many a backseat conversation, such as this little nugget from today:

TANGENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All that matters: my amazing family, good friends, authenticity (but not the cliche kind), the world, this earth, “this ground.” What doesn’t matter: “big bloggers,” stats, twitter followers, fame, what-if’s, what so-and-so thinks of how my kid behaved in the restaurant, or what so-and-so thinks of what I’m wearing (again)…. None of it matters. Too much squandering. Squandering.

So, basically, while I’m not going to give up squandering altogether (you’d have to PAY me to give up Housewives right now, and, hmmm, twitter), I’m a little more focused on what matters, on what’s real, here, and now, on this earth.

One more tweet for the road – because it came out of nowhere last week and is, dare I say, très apropos….

It’s about being here and now and balanced within an extremely unbalanced society, ecology, economy, etc., etc….

Kind of like this wonderful boy, my blog friend (and fellow T-Dot book clubber) Sandra Diaz’s eight-year-old son Zachary, raising thousands of dollars for assaulted women, and volunteering any way he can for other important charities. He was honoured at Disney on Ice the other night. That’s yoga — as opposed to “blissing out” in hot pink lululemons. I got to take a picture….

Though it’s a fabulous workout and great for the nervous system, the heart of yoga is in the here and now. In not escaping but being present and active anywhere that you’re needed. Most people don’t realize it. Most people don’t realize how enlightening it is to really be in the here and now — through yoga, meditation, and even just reading (maybe even a blog post?) about it.

Bottom line in 140 characters or less? I don’t care about small stuff anymore. Dunzo. (Okay more than 140 characters.) I will continue to wear my flaws on my sleeve. But I’ll let them be. I’ll go with the flow and focus on what matters. Really matters.

It’s a work in progress…, of course.

People ask me about yoga and yoga books/dvds all the time. So, basically: Michael’s books (he has three of them now) — Cheaty RECOMMENDS.

Love!

xo Haley-O

T’WAS A TIME OF CHANGE. Last week, I wrote a little email…. I needed some help. I’ve been pretty mum about this, but, if you were to seriously stalk my tweets, you’d probably see that I’ve been having some anxiety lately. A lot of anxiety lately. Not “OMG OMG OMG WE’RE ALL GONNA DIEEEEE!” kind of anxiety, but a very physical kind characterized by heart palpitations and obsessive thinking. It’s been rough. And, of course, I blame THE CHAI, which, no, I haven’t been able to quit.

Until last week, that is. THE TIME OF CHANGE…, when I wrote a little email to Caroline Dupont.

Caroline always comes to my rescue. She’s a total EARTH ANGEL, the best healer I know, and rife with sage, practical advice — in person, as well as in her book Enlightened Eating (my eating bible), her meditation cds, and new DVD (which I JUST ordered and am so psyched about).

I wrote a very “determined” (as she put it) email, asking for a complete “regimen.” I wanted breakfast, lunch and dinner DICTATED to me, as well as when to exercise, do yoga, sleep and meditate. I was hoping that this regimen would help me replace old habits with new ones — the right ones.

Caroline didn’t want to give me a strict regimen, though, because she didn’t think it would work for me in the long run. She wanted me simply to start with a few changes. The main one being…

MY MORNING SMOOTHIE (click the link for the recipe).

I’m supposed to drink that thing every day, come hell or high water.

I’m also supposed to walk for 30 minutes 4 days a week, and practice 30 minutes of yoga the remaining three days a week.

I’m supposed to meditate daily. (And, omg, this has been surprisingly SO enlightening and healing. More on this later in the week.)

I’m supposed to go to bed between 9:30 and 10:30 every evening….COOOUUUUUGH!

So, I’ve been drinking my smoothie every morning. NO CHAI (bingo!). And I’ve been walking and meditating and practicing yoga. The only problem with the yoga is that a certain someone gets a little, ermm, creepy while I’m practicing (with my camera in hand, apparently)….

…He’s horribly sneaky and distracting while I’m practicing. But, I INTEGRATE it.

The other changes that I’ve — WE’VE (Josh and I) — made this weekend are MIRACULOUS and will have to wait ’til the next post to be revealed because, without any chai in my system, I’m a total zombie. ZOMBIE. And I can’t write anymore because it’s 9:15 — almost “bedtime” (heh, I wish).

On top of all the above advice (and so much more that I have yet to implement and share), Caroline gave me this gem of guidance that I know she’ll love for me to share:

Your principle spiritual practice right now is your kids. Soon enough they’ll be in school and you’ll have more time for uninterrupted yoga and meditation. Create activities with them…. When you take them to the park remind yourself to breathe and be…. To everything, there is a season.

I’ve really taken that advice to heart and have been LOVING the relief and peace of mind I get from getting down on the floor and really PAINTING and DRAWING again, with my children — ESPECIALLY when I’m not feeling “well”….

…one of my new favourite things…!

Many, MANY, thanks to Caroline Dupont.

Love…!

xo Haley-O

First and foremost I am NOT supposed to be working on this Holiest of Holy Jewish Holidays — Yom Kippur. So, if we were to define my blogging as “work,” as I often do, then I’m sinning right this holy minute. But, no. I’m not working right now. I’m not trying to entertain and delight, and no one’s paying me to be here, so I’m not working. No, I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing on this Holiest of Holy Jewish Holidays — I’m reflecting. Yes, I’m reflecting on my sins. Seriously. Come with me.

1. If it wasn’t Yom Kippur — ie., if I wasn’t supposed to be fasting until tomorrow evening — I’d fully be eating a peanut butter sandwich right now. Yes, I’ve gotten into the sinful habit of sinfully indulging in one of the deadliest of diet sins: The Peanut Butter sandwich at 10:30pm…. Only sometimes I ditch the bread and replace with a bowl and, erm, syrup! Aaaaack! This is embarrassing. But CLEANSING. We’re doing it right this year. The consequence of this sin, of course, is those lingering 15 pounds…. And indigestion.

2. And why, pray tell, would I be eating a peanut butter sandwich? Procrastination. I believe it’s one of the seven deadlies…. I procrastinate to avoid everything from blogging, working, working, working, putting groceries away, eating healthy, changing diapers, going to bed…ANYTHING. Tweeting is my procrastinatory (word? should be a word) activity of choice. And sometimes I write sinful tweets. But, I write the odd angelic ones, too…?

3. I am jealous and take things much too personally. People might call the latter “sensitive,” but I think it’s egotistical. I vow to pray hard on this in synagogue tomorrow, since it PLAGUETH me, and to get mine arse back to Yoga so I can speak head-on to this Ego of mine and tell it to STOPPIT and to SHUTIT and maybe, like, GO AWAY so I can be happy and released from the web of anxiety and fear I’ve been living in since my first pregnancy. Gah! Gah-Gah! Gah!

You see, these sins are not without their consequences. I get kicked in the arse whenever I commit even a mild sin, like letting the Monkey watch Hannah Montana only because I myself selfishly adore it — which comes back and kicks my arse when she prances around the house chanting “Hannah Montana, Hannah Montana,” in her best country twang, over and over again. Blergh.

4. I lie. I tell my daughter we’re listening to Disney Radio for her, when, really, it’s so for me….

5. I’m possessive. He’s MY CAT. Not my children’s cat.

Which is, of course, FINE with him. MINE! (And thank you for your thoughts and prayers about MARRRGE last week! She’s FINE! Test results came back brillers. And, by the way, I don’t have to be possessive about her because the kids can’t get near the sneaky little now-TOOTHLESS bugger.)

6. I’m impatient. Indecisive. Impulsive. Perfectionistic. I make up words. I think Kanye West is hilarious. I enjoy The Igor at Rascal’s innocent li’l expense. And Rascal’s beloved “MUCKAH” may or may not be RICE milk.

7. I make sinfully delicious salad dressings so my kids will EAT VEGETABLES. I’ve also been known to puree kale into EVERYTHING they eat.

8. I sing with my earphones on. When I listen to my ipod. When I don’t know the words. Any of them. Not even one. When Josh is in the room.

And now I fast.

Out with the old. In with the new. Even if it’s cliche. Because it’s not ABOUT YOU, Ego…!

Love!
xo Haley-O

Dr. Sharma is a genius. Somehow, he made something click within me so that I FINALLY understand the connection between food and my emotions. I mean, EVERYONE knows almost EVERYONE emotionally overeats at times. And a vast majority of us, especially in this day and age — the age of STARBUCKS — are compulsive emotional eaters. I mean, seriously, tell me you ONLY eat when you’re hungry. No. Not possible. We eat when we’re physically hungry and EMOTIONALLY hungry. Or, even when we’re just plain emotional. As in my case.

This morning was not a particularly good morning for me. I woke up PISSED off. Believe it or not, this is actually part my Ayurvedic Detox. I’m SUPPOSED to feel angry and sad and anxious right now — because the doc’s cleansing me of YEARS of pent-up anger, sadness and anxiety. I mean, I’m a compulsive smiler. I don’t really DO anger…. But, it’s there. Just hidden. Not lately…. WWWATCH OUT!

Anyway, I was PISSED this morning. At everything. At everyone. So, of course, I wanted Starbucks. I thought, “There’s no way I can go to the office all PISSED off and tired and angry, and the apple and pumpkin seeds I ate for breakfast (as per my diet) simply will not do. I better go get a Starbucks.” So, I went to Starbucks. I opened the heavy glass door, looked inside, and saw the huge lineup. I then felt my stomach turn at the smell of the place and had to leave sans CHAI. I KID YOU NOT.

I got to the office, said a few quick, quiet hellos, sat down, and nibbled on some pumpkin seeds. “Not bad,” I thought, “actually not bad.”

Several meetings and conference calls later, I was FLYING. I felt great. Really happy and looking forward to seeing my little Monkeys. I thought, “I feel great right now! Actually happy!” Then I thought, “STARBUCKS!”

Apparently, I couldn’t handle the HAPPY! I NEEDED a Starbucks to mask the HAPPY! Helloooo?

That’s when it hit me. Epiphany. I can understand eating when you’re stressed out. You don’t WANT the PAIN, so you try to STUFF IT DOWN with food. I’ve always understood that. But, why would I want to stuff down HAPPY?

EPIPHANY: I cannot deal with my emotions AT ALL. The second they show up, good or bad, I freak out and run to food.

I didn’t have that chai, no. After realizing how I’ve been USING the chai, I knew I didn’t need it. I WANTED to start facing my emotions head on and to ride them out. It was definitely an AH-HAH moment!

I challenged myself to ride out the HAPPY. And it felt good.

It felt WAY better than the indigestion and heaviness I feel AFTER I drink away my joys and sorrows.

It’s ON, Emotions. I’m ready to face you head on. And, yeah. I’m ready to like you. All of you. Bring it on, Baby, Bring. It. ON!

Love!

xo Haley-O

No, I’m not balancing it all very well — the job, the kids, the BOTH AT ONE TIME, the company, the friends, family, kitties (LOVE KITTIES). Thanks for asking; I get that question all the time. I’m treating myself to CRAZY-ARSE WILD (hi!) Ayurvedic therapy at the Gurudaya Ayurveda Center in Toronto, but I go there early in the morning (the only time I can fit into my busy schedule), sometimes after — GASP — only 3 hours of sleep (have you SEEN my tweets lately: last tweet at 4am in some cases, and next tweet at 7:30am!?).

Now, please, I’ll be okay, Gorgeouses! I’ll figure this out. The 4am bedtime last night was ONLY because it was Father’s Day. I couldn’t send the kids off with Josh for the morning and do my work, as I usually do if necessary on Sundays, and our family party ended way late. I didn’t get to work until 10pm-ish, by the time the kids were tucked in….

So, yes, I’m going to bed. ASAP. I just wanted to stop in and tell you how HELLISH this day was — gotta write this for myself, really, because I need to get this out of my system so I can maybe clear my head, relax and have a good night’s sleep.

Because I’m functioning on 2 hrs of sleep, we’re going point form, BABY! — ooo, bullets! fancy! I didn’t realize I had that formatting option, LOVE! (AND, the bullets don’t work…EDIT.)

- Nanny Rachel took the day off today (she gave me TONS of notice, of course, cuz she’s that awesome).
- Thought I would take the kids out, maybe to the giant bookstore, or Casa Loma.
- We were all TRES excited about the day.
- But, then I realized I had to deliver some art first thing in the morning….
- And, then I realized I had a conference call at 12:30.
- And, then I realized I had an ASAP deadline for some bTrendie copy.
- And, then I realized I still had to finish the post I started at Canada Moms Blog before it got published with how many typos and unfinished thoughts?
- So, instead of Casa Loma, we spent the morning in the living room.
- Rascal sat on my lap.
- I typed copy one-handed.
- Rascal choked on some cereal, like, for real!
- I whacked the crap out of his back until he could breathe again.
- Then I thanked God I didn’t have to dig into the deep recesses of my mind for memories of the infant-Heimlich course I took 3 years ago, AND, of course, FOR SAVING RASCAL!
- The rest of the day was beyond struggling.
- My heart spent most of the day outside my chest, pounding it like Tarzan. AAAAaaaAAaaAAAaaa!
- I guiltfully and regretfully relied on Igor to babysit the kids while I met my deadlines (NANNY RACHEL, I NEED YOU!).
- ALL AT ONCE: I gave the kids lunch in the front yard; had a conference call with my bTrendie peeps; answered the door to a Kids Deserve Art client — I, frazzled with frizzy hair, no makeup, and cat-hair covered Lululemons….I HAVE NEVER!; and chased the kids; and chased the kids.
- Thank God for my neighbours.
- Thank God for the mute button on my phone.
- Especially since I had to take Monkey to the washroom at least twice during the call.
- No, she will not go to the washroom by herself.
- She’s scared.
- Of everything.
- We all napped for a bit after that.
- Rascal said BAGEL after that — “BAJAH.”
- We played with the neighbours after that.
- Thank God for my neighbours (and for bagels).
- Monkey was a handful (to put it mildly) throughout the manic Monday.
- She’s still awake.
- Yes, now.
- Sitting right here.
- Cuddling my neck (her signature quirk).
- Thank God for neck cuddles.

Tomorrow’s my last Ayurvedic appointment in this initial 5-day program. The treatment’s brought up a LOT of intense emotions for me, which I’m working hard to manage in the middle of all this chaos. I’ll tell you more about it, and I’ll finally RUN THE KRISTEN MA BEAUTY BOOK CONTEST, as soon as I get a spare minute. Until then, I’ll give you this: I highly recommend going to an Ayurvedic practioner (MINE, of course) as alternative therapy. I’ve basically commissioned him (and HOT-ARSE kickboxing teach, mmm…) to help me get the rest of my preggers weight off. BUT, you have to have an open mind, as well as open nostrils and ear holes…. And you have to be open for the odd wardrobe malfunction…. You have to trust this Indian Wizard Dr. Sharma and the age-old gifts of Ayurveda. Yeah, s’all good. So good. So part of my Yoga path. Something a little out there…and all FOR ME. Besides, Sharma’s totally loveable when you get to know him!

I’m too tired to post pics today — so, only one for the road….

LOVE! He loves his sister…. (That car looked A LOT smaller at the Toys ‘R US….)