I got a call from the vet today.

“We have Simba’s ashes here.”

I went immediately to pick them up, and that familiar sinking feeling in my stomach emerged.

When I realized what I was doing, the tears began to flow uncontrollably. A floodgate opened.

The vet’s sweet intern, Curtis, ushered me into a side room and showed me the box. As he opened it up, he told me the vet and his staff got a gift for us because they like us, and because they know how special a cat Simba was.

They got us a clay paw print–and I am so grateful:

Here is the blue urn I ordered–Simba’s ashes inside:

God, he was such a beautiful cat. Such a special cat. A wise cat. One of the things I miss most, now that he’s gone, is how our eyes used to lock. It was as if he saw right through me, into the reality of my being. That’s right….He was an existential cat. We shared a sublimely existential love.

I’m supposed to be out on a date with my husband tonight. But, here I am, blogging away with the basketball game blaring on the TV in the background. We were supposed to go to an engagement party, and we are, certainly, long overdue for a date of any kind. But, Josh has caught my cold, so I called my parents and told them we wouldn’t be needing a babysitter tonight.

Another night on the couch, then. The Monkey in bed, Josh playing online poker, and me in front of my computer.

Lately, I feel like I’m living inside my head. Mourning is very isolating. It’s just you and the loved one–or the memory of the loved one in your head. I go about my day, but images of Simba keep emerging in my mind. Memories of my life with him–my university days, living alone in Toronto, moving in with my hubby, married life, and finally motherhood–all flooding to the fore. Simba was quietly with me for all of that. He was a constant. And, now he’s gone, and I move on. It’s a loss not only of a great friend, but of a feeling, of a part of my own being, and of a comfort that I took for granted (because I didn’t recognize it until it was gone).

The loss Simba has hit me harder than I would have ever imagined.

**********

I usually called him “Ba.” But, I also called him Symbol. I’d say, “I love you my Symbol of [fill in the blanks with any incongruous pair]“: “I love you, my Symbol of Strawberries and Paper,” “I love you, Symbol of Patience and Cake,” “I love you, my Symbol of Poop and World Peace,” and so forth….

Well, turns out he is indeed a symbol (among many other things that have nothing to do with me…). He is the symbol of my past….of my centre….of my “soul”….of my love….

**********

It was a week ago today that we said goodbye.
I love you, Symbol of Kisses and Tears….

That’s my theme song today.

Only I replace “Cameron” with “Haley.”

(I’m sure you remember the tune from Ferris Beuller’s Day Off.)

Honestly, it’s been in my head all day long.

“Why?” You ask….

Because I’m in serious mourning for my Ba, and I have a horribly terrible cold. Only, I can’t sing my song in bed with the lights off and that static electric ball thingy humming relaxingly away. Nope, up I get out of bed to rescue the little monkey from the pain of her impending teeth. DARK and early. She’s teething like crazy, and I can’t be bothered to rock her back to sleep for an hour, so I give in and nurse her till her precious little eyelids close. Meanwhile, I can’t breathe, and my head is pounding, and every time I swallow it hurts.

Later, when it’s BRIGHT and early, I drag myself out of bed to feed the monkey bananas and oatmeal and take her out for a walk to the park. I push her on the swing for a bit, which knocks me right out, makes me sweat and ache–yes, I’m tired after 2 minutes of swinging a 10-month old on a baby swing.

When Haley Went to Egypt’s Land….

So, I put her back in the carriage and take her to Mastermind. I figure she needs a new toy right now–especially with such a sad-faced (well, fake-smiling–I’m totally trying!), stuffy-nosed, sweaty, sluggish mama.

Turns out this is a really good idea. The toys perk me up a bit.

I get her this wind-up caterpillar, which I named Farfallina–after the caterpillar in one of my favourite kids’ books Farfallina & Marcel….

And, the V-tech Learn and Discover Driver….

But, then I get depressed again, because, in the end, all monkey wants to play with is the damn water bottle I bought on the walk….

When Haley Went to Egypt’s Land…Let My Haley Gooooo…..

By the way, I’ve taken to telling everyone in sight that “my cat died.” I bought a new mascara at Shopper’s Drug Mart, for example, and I told the salesguy “I’m just not taking my sunglasses off because my eyes are puffy because my cat died–but do you think I should get the black or the brown?”

And, at Booster Juice: “I don’t want the free booster because you don’t have the kind of booster I need…yeah, that’s right, my cat died–got anything for that?”

I guess I’m still in shock, and telling total strangers about it is helping me adapt to the reality that my sweet Ba’s no longer with me. He’s not “just a cat,” though. He’s my best friend. Dammit.

When Haley Went to Egypt’s Land…Let My Haley Gooooo….