As you know, Rascal turned one year today! It was so sweet. He’s such an unassuming little guy. He really doesn’t ask for much — aside from Mum Mums and me not sleeping. Yes, the other day, I thought I could bypass the JINX, but apparently not. I have poem:

Never ever ever
EVER
Tell anyone your baby is sleeping
Through the night

Because THAT SAME NIGHT,
He will SCREAM HIS CUTE
(SO CUTE)
WEE ARSE OFF

And said scream will physically
GRAB YOU BY THE HAIR
And DRAG YOUR SORRY
(SO SORRY)
Arse into his dark room

Where you find the
BLOND BOY
Sitting bolt upright
SCREAMING (at?) for you
Through closed door.

Anyway! Rascal had a great day. Except for the 15 minute afternoon nap I forced him to take. He hated it. Threw tantrums before and after. Picture little blond boy lying ON HIS BACK, BIG blue eyes sparkling with bulbous TEARS. Poor little guy just HATES SLEEPING. Life is gooooooooood. Heh.

So, great day. Best of all, it’sgrandma threw a party for Rascal. Family and some close family friends (who are basically our FAMILY) came to celebrate. It’sgrandma made SUCH a big deal — which was so special for me. I’m fahklempt just thinking about it. MY little boy. It was ALL for MY sweet, unassuming little boy. Fahklempt!

Check it…!

DECORATIONS!

My wine…. Actually, I don’t usually drink. Because, when I do, my tooth throbs. Yeah. Weird. Sucks. Anyway.

The birthday high chair!!! How sweet is THAT!?

So much food…. And, the Rascal LOVED it. Ate everything. Shoveled it…, which is why….

…he had to go topless most of the night….

Cake and kisses!

SO MANY GIFTS! (And, Daisy, my sister’s dog. I LOVE Daisy….)

Love…. And, SO LOVE how he spent his whole first birthday party half naked! Hee…!

Happy Birthday, my little Rascal — my little love. You are AMAZING and SWEET and WISE and WONDERFUL. I celebrate you every day. I love you beyond.
Love, Mama
PS: pleaseletmesleeptonight….

xo Haley-O

Fahklempt, Gorgeouses! I am FAHKLEMPT. And, a little bit EXHAUSTED from doing EXHAUSTIVE work on my online art shoppe (“shoppe” sounds so much more chic than “store” or even “gallery.”) I’ve been working on the Kids Deserve Art website ALL weekend — pretty-much non-stop. I mean, if you saw the website before this weekend? You’d agree that it’s a wonder anyone ever bought anything there BECAUSE — although the art is AMAZING — the site itself was A DISASTER. Notice I said “was”?

It’s not perfect YET (I still have A LO-HO-HOT of work to do on it), but it’s a HELLOVA lot cleaner and more user-friendly. And, I’m thinking, if people were shopping there as it WAS (i.e., embarrassing), imagine how much better business will be as it now IS (i.e., GORJ). Here’s hoping. I owe the artist AT LEAST a nice website. She is phenomenal, Gorgeouses. If you knew how hard this woman works…. Really, she’s one of the most talented people I know. I HOPE SHE KNOWS I’m in total awe of her…. LOVE!

Anyway, I wasn’t going to write at all tonight because MY NECK HURTS from all this art SHOPPE designing, and I feel like just chillin’ for the night. But, I DO have a few things to share…. Check it:

1. HAIRCUTS! Rascal had his first haircut today! And, now, I can’t even LOOK at the little sucker (weaning him, by the way, OFFICIALLY next week hallelujah) without covering him in sloppy kisses. The CUTENESS — it is RIDICULOUS….

BEFORE:

This is a weird looking picture! He’s on a play horse. I’m holding him up by his shirt while photographing…!

DURING:

AFTER:

EEEeee! I can’t HANDLE it! I swear, Gorgeouses! I’m going to give him some sort of complex because I JUST CAN’T HANDLE THE CUTENESS!

And, the MONKEY got hers cut, too….

BEFORE (Eeeek! Poor thing looks like nobody LOVES HER!):

DURING:

AFTER (Looks like nothing was cut, but THE KNOTS ARE GONE THE KNOTS ARE GONE!):

Can I just ask, though? What is a THREE-YEAR-OLD doing with THAT HAIR! It’s crazy thick and gorj! And, for someone who lives on Jello, cookies and dry cereal…, it’s so LUSTROUS!

2. Some things are meant to be…. I was walking the Rascal, and we passed a bunch of FREE BOOKS on someone’s lawn…. I found THIS GEM:

A peek inside….

It says…: “Hooded Cobra on the ground / Won’t you raise your diamond crown / High into a morning breeze / That blows so sweetly through the trees.” Beautiful, beautiful book…

3. I realized today that a bunch of romaine lettuce lasts A LOT LONGER in the fridge than pre-cut, pre-washed lettuce. Just saying…. (Now, I could surf google images for the perfect picture of romaine lettuce to put here, but, my bed is calling me…. So, let’s just use our BRILLERS imaginations!)

[PICTURE OF ROMAINE LETTUCE BUNCH]

[PICTURE OF PREWASHED PLASTIC CONTAINER OF ROMAINE LETTUCE, PREFERABLY ROTTING]

4. I BAKED MUFFINS!

I love baking muffins because THE KIDS LOVE THEM. And, when I get my act together, I’ll update Cheaty Kitchen with a post explaining EXACTLY why I love that I made muffins. Something to do with my INABILITY TO FEED MY KIDS LIKE A NANNY. Ever notice how WELL-FED kids with nannies are? Anyway, we have MUFFINS now! I just used an organic mix this time — but, of course, I added banana puree to it…. CHEATY!

5. Minden is officially a LAP CAT now….

That pink and black MOUND there is MY BREASTSES. I’m hoping that this week’s official WEANING will put an end to their GINORMITY.

YAWN!

Yes, that would be my macbook and this post pre-publication…. Minden sits on my lap between me and it…. Because he’s MY NUMBER ONE and wants everyone and -thing to know it.

6. Rascal is sleeping through the night. And, I say that without FEAR OF THE JINX. I decided last week that I physically and mentally couldn’t do the not-sleeping-AT-ALL thing anymore. So, I LET HIM CRY. I figured, he’s one year old already (well, on Tuesday), so he knows the deal. It took two days of him (and me) crying for ONLY TWENTY MINUTES at 4:30 in the morning. And, that was it. Little dude sleeps through the night now. And, so do we all. Can I get a “HALLELUJAH”!

Have a great Monday, Gorgeouses, and DO NOT FORGET to set your PVRs up for the NEW PARIS HILTON reality show.

It looks FANTASTIC! Heh — you know I love QUALITY reality TV!!! And, you know YOU do, too! LOVE!

xo Haley-O

I have an 80-something-year-old neighbour. She lives across the street. I’m pretty sure she’s seen me walk around my house naked. I tend to do that…. Too lazy to shut blinds. I’ve had a baby, for heaven’s sake, I’d walk down the STREET naked (or, at least in my nightie…). Besides, this isn’t even my bawd right now. It’s a GINORMOUS version of my bawd.

A-ny-way….

So, yeah, old lady neighbour…. Let’s call just call her K. Now, I don’t want to sound like a horrible person. Because really I’m not. I’m actually very nice. But, I just CANNOT STAND the fact that I’m getting phone calls from K every single day since I turned 35 weeks preggers.

The first phone call occurred earlier this month, actually. It was a couple weeks after the monkey’s birthday, and K called to wish her happy birthday, berating herself for forgetting the day. How does she know the monkey’s birthday, even? Friends, I BARELY KNOW THIS WOMAN! How did she get my phone number? “From the book,” she explained after I asked her. That would be the phone book.

Blah blah blah. So, the other day, at 9:30pm, K called me to ask me a question about a mysterious – are you ready for the excitement? – blue recycling box on her lawn. And, yes, we had a full conversation about this blue recycling box. I finally got out of it (when she attempted to offer me other neighbours’ phone numbers so I could inquire about said recycling box…ahem) by saying I needed to rest. Good ol’ reliable pregnancy excuse.

The next day, she calls at 11:30am, and leaves this on my answering machine: “you know, Haley, if you should fall ill or are too tired from your pregnancy, you know you can leave Monkey with me.” She clearly does NOT know what she’s offering.

And, it goes on. She calls again today. “I’m sorry K,” I say, “we’re just napping.” “Oh,” she says, “I meant what I said on your machine yesterday about taking care of Monkey for you. I saw you walking with your family today and you looked so tired…. My husband thinks I’m crazy for offering to babysit the monkey — ‘she doesn’t even know you, K!’ he said….” Blah blah. Crazy? Nahhh….

For the record, I think K’s sweet and adorable. But, honestly? At 35 weeks pregnant, I’m not looking for new friends. And, I’m certainly NEVER leaving my monkey with my 80-something-year-old neighbour — for BOTH their sakes.

Anyway. I had to share this. Because it’s so weird — why start calling me NOW!

…ALTHOUGH…if she offered me birthday cake or a glass of milk, I’d DASH RIGHT OVER THERE!

Got milk? I WANT IT. NOW!

Oh, dang. I just tried to take a pic of me with the “Got Milk” mustache…. And, apparently, it doesn’t work with nonfat milk. Oh well…. I love milk right now. Indeed, I may be IN love with it right now…. CRAAAVE.

LOOK AT MY HAND!

SO SWOLLEN! These are NOT my hands. I usually have teeny hands and teeny wrists. I can hardly bend my elbows, they’re so swollen. My feet are, like, worse. But, YOU COULDN’T PAY ME to post a picture of my uggers feet!

Instead of napping today, the monkey and I painted outside…. Yes, check my cheaty little ARTISTE! The balance, the colour, the lines…. AHH, MAIS OUI, QUEL PERFECTION!

This was the messiest activity EVAH. I’m so happy we opted to do it outside….

A big bee feasted on a half-eaten grape between my feet today. I wanted to pet it.

Here’s the deal with the new writing gig. I’ve been hired to write a new 9-week-long blog about my pregnancy, and life in general, for Discovery Health Canada and Urbanmoms. Discovery Health Canada is going to AIR ON TV an advertisement for my blog. The advertisement will feature pictures of me HALF NAKED! Hee…. Well, I’m wearing pants and a white cloth around my ginormous breasts — so, don’t get too excited. It’s ALL about the preggo belly, baby.

Originally, they told me to wear a white t-shirt for the shoot. I was hoping for black. You know…intellectual looking and all. But, they wanted the white to POP from the black background. At least the photos are black and white, though — very slimming. Anyway, I went out THAT MORNING and bought the most flattering white shirt I could find. Did I even end up wearing this white shirt? Obviously, no. Just the white cloth…. Will I ever wear this white shirt? NO. Because I’m WHITER THAN IT.

So, yeah, I spent the morning shopping for that perf white tee. AND, practicing my modeling. Because, AS IF I’m a contestant on America’s Next Top Model, I needed to find my best MODEL FACE; plus, they warned me that they wanted the photos to represent a range of emotions…. I also needed to find the right angles for this belly — to shave as much flab from the photo as possible. So, I spent a lot of time doing this in the mirror….

And, modeling the tummy….

(Of all days to have a bad hair day….)

And,…since you’ve been here with me since the beginning….YOU GET THE FIRST LOOK AT THE TUMMY EXPOSED! I have to practice having my tummy exposed — since it’ll be ON TV!!! Sigh…here goes…:

I know. This is SUCH a DOVE moment…. I’m barely even FIVE MONTHS ALONG, and LOOK AT ME! I’ll show you LOTS of the professional shots when I get them, as well as pics of my photo shoot — with the fabulous Toronto photographer Beverley Daniels.

Don’t talk to me about the boobs, by the way…. Let’s just say, I totally know how the very preggers Salma Hayek’s feeling right now….

There’s NO GOOD BRA for boobs like this. Trust me. I tried them ALL Saturday morning….

Mother’s Day today was FABULOUS, by the way. Josh-O treated me to a BEAUTIFUL brunch at the totally GORJ and HIP Kultura. At first, I felt the restaurant staff were a little wary of the monkey…. But, as the meal went on, they fell IN LOVE with her — but, she did fit RIGHT in with her stylish new jacket and nike sandals….

I’ll get a better picture of the coat and sandals later….

Josh-O (on behalf of little Miss Monkey) also got me a certificate for a MASSAGE…IN MY OWN HOME. I’m making the appointment tomorrow! And, a pillow — one of those tempurpedic pillows that molds to fit your head perfectly. I’m still working it in. But, it’s pretty coo. In the evening, we went for dinner at my parents. It was really great celebrating mother’s day with my sis (a new mother), me and my mom. It felt amazing. Sniffle…verklempt.

(Yes, this is a FAB piece from my Kids Deserve Art website — CHECK IT!)

I’m doing a dance of joy right now. A DANCE OF JOY! Why? You’ll see in a sec. First, I HAVE to tell you about my new pick-me-up. See, I was just working on the gossip site (I know, work work work…I never rest), and I could barely keep my eyes open. My fave prepartum depression symptom — jitters — was driving me bonkers. What’s a tired, jitterbug to do? Drink coffee? No, bad for jitters. Tea? No, bad for insomnia. Sprite? No, don’t drink pop. What’d I do, then? I MADE THE HEALTHIEST SMOOTHIE EVAH. And, whad’ya know…. I’m feeling much better. Not 100%, but better. Here’s the smoothie recipe for when you’re tired and low on energy:

1 vanilla yogurt
1 banana
1 cup of frozen bluberries
1 cup of frozen strawberries
cinnamon to taste
cardamom to taste (I love this spice….)
1 cup apple juice

Just dump all the above in a blender and buzz it till smoooooth. Mmmmm. Totally delish! I’m a tad full…. But, look at all this energy I have! WHEEEEEEEEE!

So, Why am I dancing for joy?? Because I MANAGED TO CONVINCE JOSH-O NOT TO SELL THE HOUSE!!! Think about it, guys: we had FOUR MONTHS to sell the house and buy a new one! FOUR MONTHS! The baby’s due September 30th. How was I supposed to have a good night’s sleep from now until then with this all on my shoulders? HOW?

You probably haven’t noticed, but I’ve been going NUTS. It’s sucked how long the process of getting the house ready to sell has taken. And, I’ve been nagging Josh non-stop. I HATE NAGGING!!!

How’d I do it? How’d I convince Josh not to sell the house? Bless his adorable soul, I simply told him I didn’t want to sell, that I couldn’t do it. And, I told him RIGHT when he came home from work today — with a bundle of boxes (for staging) on his head. He hugged me (AFTER taking the boxes off his head, of course), and we talked, and he understood how stressful this has been and will be for me if we go through with it. So, we’re not. We’re not selling. We’re going to wait. Till we (and both our monkeys and all three of our kitties) are ready.

Now, can I get a WHOO WHOO! YESSSSSSS! HALLELUJAH! And, AHHHH…I can breathe again!

I read your gossip column every week as emailed from the Urban Moms weekly mailer. I look forward to it every week. I am a 30 something mother of a 4 year old who has been trying to get pregnant again for the last two years. In my journey to get pregnant I have met a ton of woman along the way who have no children, and have been unsuccessfully trying for years. One thing this experience has made me realize is that we are blessed with one beautiful child and it would be really insensitive and selfish for me to complain about not having a second. Why am I saying this? I am tired of reading about how sick you are from being pregnant. Do you know how many women would love to have that problem just once in their lifetime? Many of these woman suffer in silence with their pain. I can only imagine the number of woman who read your blog and close the screen in tears after reading about how sick you are. Please think about how your comments make other women feel. I too was severely sick when I was pregnant so much so that I did not gain any weight throughout my pregnancy. I took the drugs and never complained about it. I was just so happy to be pregnant. Pregnancy is a gift. Its not a given. If you are really that sick, take the Diclectin and get over it already.

– Asquared, comment on today’s Will Ferrell post.

Dear Asquared,

I’m truly sorry that my blog has affected you in this way. And, I’m troubled that my writing about my pregnancy symptoms has struck you as insensitive and as a sign of ungratefulness.

Are you aware that I suffer from PREpartum depression? That I suffered from it in my first pregnancy, as well? Have you read those posts in which I try to bring awareness to this very painful condition? (Please see the posts in the category “Anxiety / Depression.”) Because, as extremely grateful as I am to be pregnant, pregnancy is a bigger challenge for me — both physically and emotionally — than most people can even imagine. And, as I always say, it’s all so worth it.

In the midst of this prepartum depression, from which I suffer painfully every single day, I have actually challenged myself to reflect in writing on the joys of pregnancy, and I have emphasized the fact that my complaints about my symptoms on this blog in no way relate to my gratitude. I urge you to read this post, in particular.

My kind and supportive commenters are also very right when they say (in response to your comment) that “this is my blog,” and that I should not feel the need to censor myself. Although I want to be as raw and real on BOTH blogs as I can be, I am aware that I have a responsibility — to choose my words carefully and to be as compassionate a writer and person as possible. And, I don’t take that responsibility for granted.

Of course, I don’t want anyone, as you put it, to “close the screen in tears after reading about how sick [I am]“! People are only allowed to cry with laughter from reading this blog! In any case, I do try to make light of my symptoms most of the time because, Asquared, they are DARKER than you could ever want to know. I have shielded my readers from some of the grosser realities of my daily life right now. And, now I’M crying.

Remaining light-hearted about my symptoms helps me deal with those grosser realities. It also helps other women who are going through the same thing — there are many of them out there, too. Yes, there are many pregnant women going through what I’m going through. I have received many emails thanking me for being so open about my struggle. This site has received countless hits from google searches for “pregnancy and anxiety,” “depression in pregnancy,” and the like.

You also got me thinking….There are single mothers out there. Is it insensitive of me to complain about how difficult my toddler can be when I’m privileged enough to stay home with her AND to have a husband help me raise her? I cannot please everyone. I cannot write for everyone.

No, I cannot please everyone, Asquared. All I can do is be as honest as possible — without being as dark and anxious as I could be given what I experience from the moment I wake up in the morning.

Prepartum depression, also known as antenatal depression, affects 10-15 percent of pregnant women — and perhaps more, since most women do not come forward with it. Because of my condition, no, I cannot take diclectin; it makes my symptoms of depression (i.e., panic attacks) worse. Thank you for the recommendation, though.

Seriously? I do NOT like talking about the same symptoms every single day on this blog. But, unless I close this blog down until they pass, there’s no way around it. It’s my reality (a lightened up version of my reality). And, as I said, many people relate deeply to what I’m going through.

I also don’t like to complain about my pregnancy symptoms because this SEEMS to suggest that I’m ungrateful for what I know is such a blessing, such a gift. I am CONSTANTLY reflecting on how blessed I am to be pregnant, constantly THANKING THE UNIVERSE for granting me this miraculous gift. (This is starting to feel a little too personal even for me, but….) Every night I devote time to being thankful for this pregnancy.

I have friends who are having great difficulty conceiving both first and second children. I have friends going through infertility treatments…for years — some with success and some without. I have friends trying to adopt. I am aware. I am sensitive. I am sorry. I am so sorry that you are having difficulty conceiving. So very very sorry.

I have tried to minimize discussion of my symptoms on both my blogs. One of the reasons for this is that I don’t feel like people want to hear about it — especially on the gossip blog (and, I’ve next to eliminated all discussion of myself on that blog because there’s nothing else I want to say about me). But, when I sit down to write on this, my personal blog, it’s what comes out. It’s what HAS to come out. It’s a release that you’re reading, my friend. It’s the way I help heal myself so that I can better take care of my child (my cheaty monkey who, thankfully, is too young to understand what I go through) and take care of my pregnant body and mind.

Pregnancy is very painful for me. But, it’s also an opportunity. An opportunity to release and to cleanse. This releasing and cleansing involves a disturbing and debilitating manifestation of major anxieties. This is what you’re reading on my blog. A process. An honest (but light-hearted) cleansing, releasing and preparation for another beautiful miracle.

Of course, this blog is not my only therapy. I have lots of professionals working with me, and lots of loved ones (and loved readers!) supporting me.

Thank you very much for sharing your point of view and your experience. I can’t promise I’ll stop writing about my symptoms, but know that I’m an extremely empathetic person, and I write largely because I HAVE to. Although I joke about my symptoms, they are very serious and very debilitating. But, they are worth it. Thank you for bringing to my attention, yet again, how grateful I should be even to have these symptoms — as painful as they are on so many levels.

I hope you understand a little better where I’m coming from. I certainly appreciate where you’re coming from. I wish you all the best in your efforts to conceive. And, I hope to bring you more laughter in the future — no more tears.

xo Haley-O

Hi guys…. So, yeah! I’m preggers! That’s why it’s taken me longer than usual to email you back if you’ve emailed me in the past few months. That’s why I haven’t been to your blog as regularly as I used to. That’s why I’ve been ranting my ARSE off lately on this blog! And, that’s why I had some rather dark and “mysterious” posts for a while there back in January! (You were wondering, weren’t you!?)

The past 3 months have been really really really really REALLY hard for me. I’ve been beyond tired, nauseous 24/7, indigestiony, unable to sleep, jittery — the works! I’ve also been struggling, like last time (see here and here), with pre-partum depression. The obsessive compulsiveness hasn’t been as bad this time, but the anxiety and depression were very painful. The fact that my parents went away for 3 weeks made things even more challenging for me. Anyway, I’m so glad I can finally tell you what I’ve been going through and that we’re having a baby! Now that the first-trimester symptoms, including the anxiety, are starting to dissipate, I can enjoy this pregnancy and sharing this beautiful news.

Thank you so much for making me laugh these past three months with your supportive and hilarious comments, emails, etc.. You don’t know how much you helped me stay afloat. You don’t know because I seriously can’t even tell you. LOVE!

We’ll talk more later. Today’s ultrasound and obgyn appointments took ALL DAY! We were there from 9:30am until 4pm — waiting, waiting, waiting and waiting. Can you believe!? Josh was with me — thank goodness! So, we both chased after the monkey all day…. Anyway, my point is I’m EXHAUSTED from this day, and I still have to manage to stay awake during the ballet I’m going to tonight, AND to write my Cheaty’s Celebrity Gossip column! Gotta go get the monkey bathed before I leave (wish me luck with that one!!!).

xo Haley-O!