Brrrrrrrrrrrrrring!

[I hand the phone to Rascal and press the "on" button.]

Papa’shere (my dad): Hello? hello?

Rascal: Hi, Papa!

Papa’shere: Hi, Rascal, How are you?

Rascal: Good.

Papa’shere: What are you doing?

Rascal: I paying six an yaddahs by moysewf! [Trans. "I'm playing Snakes and Ladders by myself!"]

I’m swimming in what seems like a never-ending, black-with-purple-swirls sea of chaos. Everything from my childcare situation to the major celebrity mom I’m interviewing first thing Thursday (totally scared) morning in a Yorkville hotel room, to a whole mass of other confusions that I can’t get into right now partly because my eyes are glazing over and partly because your eyes would glaze over.

To navigate the purplish swirly sea of chaos I’m spinning in (dizzy), I have yoga. Except that I started bawling in yoga the other day. Well, after my teacher David Robson talked to me about why I find myself on the verge of tears after assisted twists. Something about my Samskaras, which I’m still trying to find time to research…. He tried to explain it to me, but I was trying to keep the tears from streaming and the lips from quivering embarrassingly. When he got to the “eating” part, though — something about “everything from our something-something to our experiences to our something-something to what we eat,” DING! — the lip got out of control. The tears at least waited until after he compassionately squeezed my arm and returned to the yoga class. Streamed and streamed, mixed pretty with the purple.

THIS:

He’s watching me…!

While I’m working at the office all morning, someone’s thinking of me. He’s thinking of me. He’s thinking about me doing yoga. He’s painting me doing yoga. My HEART!

She’s on the table again. She thinks she’s a cat. But she’s sorely mistaken. She’s a Maltese. With a massive underbite that makes it hard for her to pick food up sometimes. When she’s not on top of the table, she’s downstairs burying her (vegetarian) bone in the cat litter. She comes out of the litter with a white nose. It’s terribly unhealthy, and I’m slightly anxious about her lungs. Ahh, anxiety. Samskara. Also, if she has to poop while we’re still sleeping or when she’s alone in the house, she’ll sometimes do it in the beside the cats’ litter box. Poor thing is so confused.

Just like her mama.

Love.

xo Haley-O

I’ve been under the weather the past few days. But that doesn’t mean there’s been nothing to blog about. There’s been hella lots to blog about. My favourite, though — and we’re keeping this short because I’m still under the weather (even as it SNOWED today) — has to be a certain birthday card that a certain cheaty little artist made for PAPA’SHERE on his birthday….

I’ll give you a tour of the card starting from that square thing, bottom-middle. Shall we? Okay. Bottom middle, you’ll find a BIRTHDAY CAKE. How convenient on a birthday card, right? I love it! To the left, you’ll find a PEPPERMINT. The next several pieces, culminating in that orange boxy-swirly thing on the right, are “BIRTHDAY KLITES” (kites). And, then, at last, BOTTOM RIGHT, we have Papa himself, apparently, reclining on the couch. Shall we have a closeup on that one?

Yes, my friends, this is phallic art at its finest. “Monkey,” I asked, “what’s that thing there in the middle of Papa?” “It’s a stick, Mama!” Of course, a stick. How convenient on a birthday card.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, PAPA!

Love!

xo Haley-O

Okay, Gorgeouses, I’m QUASI taking the night off from blogging because I have this headache, see. And, it’s my own fault! Because I bought THIS for my kids today….

BANG BANG BANG BANG BANGBANGBANGBANGBANG BANG BAAAAAANNNNNGGG!

I was TIRED (after, sigh, another night of SCREAMING), in a haze, and the thing was ON SALE. And, and, Rascal is such a DEPENDENT player. I needed a new toy desperately. I’m getting bored of all his other toys…. *cough.*

ANYWAY.

So, Valentine’s Day is on Saturday. And, apparently, it’sgrandma and papa’shere know I desperately need to GET A LIFE. So, they’ve offered to forfeit their own romantic Valentine’s Day so they can babysit our little monkeys while Josh-O and I go out on the town. How nice is THAT?

Josh even suggested we go to a vegetarian restaurant….

Methinks it’s going to be a GOOD Valentine’s day….

So, here’s where you come in.

We want to go to a movie. Josh-O and I have seen just about every movie there is to see ON VIDEO. But, we haven’t actually BEEN to a movie in I CAN’T REMEMBER HOW LONG. So, what to see? What to SEE!?

Here’s a list of the movies that are out right now (and that we’d see — i.e., no HORROR movies for me, or movies with too much violence…because I’m a delicate little flower……). Now, it’s up to YOU to tell us which movie to see. Here are your choices (And, you better comment — no more of this NOT COMMENTING business! heh. LOVE):

It’sgrandma says this one’s FABO.

I love me some TRASH. Then again, this IS the perfect rental.

Slumdog Millionaire…Paul Blart. Paul Blart…Slumdog Millionaire. Decisions decisions!

BRAD. But do I feel like crying on my first date in MONTHS?

Can’t wait to see this one…. But, will Josh be that into it?

Love me some Isla Fisher. Love me some Sophie Kinsella Confessions of a Shopaholic….HAVE to see this at some point.

I can’t WAIT to see this movie. And, it’s exactly the movie you’d see on the big screen. Hint hint. Josh and I both love a good fantasy………..

So, what do we see???

LOVE!
xo Haley-O

CONTEST over at Goodies. We’re talking SKINCARE and MAKEUP! Check it!

I know. We’re Jewish. But that doesn’t mean we can’t share in the Christmas spirit! In fact, the monkey is BEGGING me for a Christmas tree, and, I’m telling you, I’m almost tempted…. Can you imagine? No. The monkey needs to learn to love Hanukkah. So, instead of caving and running out to buy a Christmas tree, I went crazy on the Hanukkah decorations. Haven’t put them up yet. But, when I do, I’ll share pictures, fashizzle.

I’m telling you, though. Try telling your 3-year-old daughter she doesn’t get a Christmas tree! It’s SO HARD. Christmas is, like, a little girl’s DREAM. The SPARKLES! The MAGIC! The lovable old man with the HO HO HO! The RUDOLF! The FROSTY! The MOVIES! The NUTCRACKER….

She was probably the youngest little girl Saturday night at the Nutcracker Ballet. And, she looked like a LITTLE DOLL….

Josh-O bought her this outfit and it was RIDICULOUSLY adorable.

It’sgrandma and Papa’shere took us out for dinner and then to the show. Dinner was not without its glitches. The waiter was a piece of work. Long story short: she withheld our meals because we accidentally spilled water on her “good-quality leather shoes.” Can you believe? We had a 3-YEAR-OLD with us! Can you imagine making a 3-year-old wait FORTY MINUTES for her meal because your shoes got wet? And, can you imagine leaving your customer (it’sgrandma) STANDING in the middle of the restaurant WAITING for you to return with paper towels AND YOU NEVER DO? Unbelievable. We DEFINITELY complained to management. Because I have NEVER! I was really upset about this. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, and this waiter let me down. She was definitively NOT a nice person (to put it mildly).

Sigh, anyway….

It’s funny how you think your little girl is SO BIG, and then you take her to the ballet, and she becomes such a wee little thing. She was so tiny! Like a little BABY!

She was my little baby again. And, she was so good. She sat through the entire Nutcracker ballet and loved it liked it very much. Sure, she had some loud voice issues…. Like when the Sugar Plum Fairy came out, and it was all quiet as she tippy-toed about to the famous Tchaikovsky melody: “SHE’S GOT JEWELS ON HER!” the monkey yelled, “I LOVE JEWELS!” Heh.

Unfortunately, Monkey had to go to the washroom in the middle of the second act, and it’sgrandma had to FIGHT with the ushers to get back in (can you imagine? not letting a 3-year-old and her it’sgrandma back in to THE NUTCRACKER?!? It’sgrandma will be writing a scathing letter to the management, which will most-definitely include a reminder that we are SEASON’S TICKET HOLDERS. Ahem). Luckily, they made it back in in time for the little lambs, whom monkey befriended during intermission….

Of course, It’sgrandma and Papa’shere HAD to get Monkey a souvenir from her VERY FIRST BALLET….

A nutcracker snow globe…. When she took it out of the box and shook it, of course, it slipped out of her little hands and smashed all over the marble floor beside the boutique. The guy behind the booth was so nice, though! And, he gave us a brand new one…. My faith in humanity RESTORED!

Even so…, there’s always MEENO….

* Photos of the Ballet, with thanks, c/o the National Ballet of Canada’s Nutcracker website. I wasn’t even allowed to take pictures before the show started. USHER FROM HELL even tried to make me delete the photos I took of papa’shere and the Monkey IN THEIR SEATS. OY! What was up with people last night!

Guess what, Gorgeouses? I was interviewed over at BlissChick! I hope I did okay. It was really challenging! But, I got a lot out of it — it really made me think! (UPDATE: I thought the interview was going up today, but it’s not ready yet. I’ll let you know when it’s up!)

CANADIAN GORGEOUSES: check GOODIES for your contest. Love to ALL!

She’s in her room right now.

I take that back.

She just yelled down the stairs for me. And, with Rascal sleeping, we can’t exactly have that. So she’s here right now (cuddling my neck — she still has that bizarre neck fetish, where she’ll fondle my neck — and ONLY mine, or hers — between the collarbones, for hours, for an entire movie).

I’m exhausted and run down. And, yes, I have people that can help me, but there’s not enough help right now. With Papa’shere’s SURPRISE PARTY last night, things have been CARAZAY busy and intense. I didn’t have to do much for the party because, fortunately, my siblings understand that I’m up to my eyeballs trying to manage two monkeys pretty-much on my own 24-7. So, I really wasn’t responsible for much. But, I WAS responsible for a speech. And, even though I thought it was tray cheesy when I wrote it? It came out pretty well. I was happy.

More importantly, my DAD was thrilled. He got to see ALL his closest friends ON his birthday. What can be better than that? Family, friends, all saying amazing things about you. I don’t think he could have felt more love on a day he expected to be a little depressing. I mean, becoming a “senior citizen” OVERNIGHT isn’t easy, especially for someone as young-at-heart as my dad. But, don’t you worry, I reminded him of the perks of turning 65…. HE CAN DO MY SHOPPING!

Hellooo? Seniors day at Shoppers Drug Mart (the Canadian version of Duane Reade)! YESSS! Papa’shere needs to keep those bones good and strong. So, I’d be doing him a FAVOUR loading him up with stuff to buy for me. Oooo, this is GREAT!

Anyway, I know ski jackets are big and puffy, but I could KILL my mailperson for congratulating me today on my two kids and “THE ONE ON THE WAY”……….&%%$#^#&! I’ve been a bubbling boiling cauldron ever since that stupid naive comment, WHICH, might I add, was made worse when I said, “no I’m not pregnant,” and he responded saying “it’s just that” and made a big ARC with his hand in front of his stomach. Thank you, Sir. Don’t mean to be rude, but GOTTA GO NOW!!!! Arse.

So, needless to say, the kids and I are going on a LONG walk today. Even though it’s FREEZING, and the little rascal won’t wear gloves or a hat, it’s sunny. And, apparently, Mama needs to stop looking pregnant.

Or, to get a new ski jacket. I HAVE had this one since I was preggers…. So….

I just have to keep in mind that (as it’sgrandma reminded me) everyone at the party last night said I’d lost so much weight and that I look FABULOUS, Dahling. So, there you go. It was the ski jacket.

It was the ski jacket.

In the meantime, though, I still have an afternoon to fill with activities to satisfy my two cheaty little monkeys (never mind me). If you’re a stay-at-home-parent, what do YOU do with your kids on a cold winter afternoon. Friends of mine suggested programs programs programs. But, with two kids, I don’t feel like giving away my life savings right now. So, what? WHAT do you do? Do you have planned activities, or do you just fly by the seat of your pants? Because, lately, I feel like I’m barely able to stay afloat in the black afternoon sea of toddler chaos.

I’ll feel better, I know, now that the papa’shere’s party is done…. But, there’s grocery shopping to do, and cleaning, and endless entertaining, and bad attitudes everywhere, and naive mail deliverers.

HALP!

…but there IS So You Think You Can Dance Canada, and my GORJ cousin MILES rocked DA HOUSE! I know he’s not happy about the Hip Hop routine. But, I thought he did great. And, COME ON, do you know how TIRED they are? And, do you realize how quickly they had to learn all those routines? Gorgeouses, it was insanity. Anyway, we are CELEBRATING MILES!

He’s entertained us for weeks now! My cuz! So proud. No matter what happens at the finale this Sunday, this has been incredible for the whole family.

As choreographer/American So You Think You Can Dance judge Dan Karaty has said, BEST FINAL FOUR in ALL the So You Think You Can Dance competitions EVER! Sweet! Videos to come….

Love!
xo Haley-O

P.S.: Toronto Gorgeouses, don’t forget to check Cheaty Goodies for this month’s Disney on Ice promotion! Get a discount on tickets!