Is there anyone out there who can do it all, all the time? Half the time? A third of the time? Because sometimes it’s just impossible.

Today was a BRUTAL day. It was one of those days where I totally lost myself. I spent the ENTIRE day just trying to get by. And, before I go on, let’s just say the LOVELY people at Mastermind will probably NEVER approach me again. Word to the wise, though, if you work at a toy store? Approach mothers with two scrambling kids WITH CAUTION. Especially when her children have FINALLY%$#@%#$ settled and she’s sitting on kiddie stool with hunched back enjoying KALEIDOSCOPE….

Dang it, I should have bought it! But, I don’t spend my money on toys FOR ME….

WOAAAHHHHH…. Love…. Drrrrrr…..

The chaos started first thing this morning — with the cookie disaster. And, it continued until Josh came home late this aft, when my kvetching little monkey turned as if with the flick of a wand into an innocent little princess. Yes, just in time for Josh to wonder why there was any issue at all today and what ON EARTH could be so hard and hair-pulling-out about taking care of two little ANGELS?

Have I mentioned that the little Rascal has FINALLY cut a tooth? Just…today? No wonder?

ANYWAY. Today’s brutalness was part their fault and part mine. I didn’t get much sleep last night. AND, I started my day with a totally not-nutritious breakfast (WHICH included a soy chai latte, OF course). I just had no patience and was totally irritable all day. It wasn’t until lunch — which, bless my brillers routinizing, was at 2:45 — that I started to feel better. And, I’m CONVINCED it was because I had this CRAZY veggie wrap from Noah’s Natural Foods (fave organic food store). It’s, like, the MINUTE I bit into the crunchy carrots, the smoooooooth avocado, crisp lettuce, DIVINE, my body thanked me for it. Aaaaaahhhhh. After that, and with Josh-O’s help, of course, I felt much more relaxed and in control.

Hey, by the way? Did you know I have a “scary voice”? It comes out when I’ve HAD IT with the monkey. Like, when we’re really late, and the Rascal’s been crying and I can’t find my keys and one of the cats barfed and I just stepped on a toy car, etc., etc., and she decides to run AWAY from me instead of TO me when I call her. It sounds like this: “RAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRR!”

I’m serious. I literally ROAR “COME HERE NOW.” It’s wild. Really wild. I’m like Simba from The Lion King. I’ve found my ROAR!

I think it comes from the yoga (and utter motherly desperation). I can project my voice right from the diaphragm. It’s like my SOUL is speaking. I’m telling you, you can SEE it in the air even; like, the air IT RIPPLES. Scary voice can MOVE things.

Whenever I use the scary voice, the monkey comes running.

After a day of several “scary voice”-worthy incidents, I realized something. I don’t actually have to use the scary voice. I can just THREATEN it! Check it:

ME: Monkey, can you please give me back the washcloth? Rascal needs it.
MONKEY: No Mama.
ME: I can’t leave the washroom because Rascal’s in the tub. If you won’t give me the washcloth, can you please get mama another one?
MONKEY: No Mama.
ME: Do you want me to use my scary voice?
MONKEY: NO MAMA NOOOO! I go get it!
ME: Thank you, Monkey! Good job.

Heeee! I’m loving it…. And, now. I’m going to bed. Donning new lavender silk eye pillow…. Because sleep is EVERYTHING. Yes, I’ve finally realized that….

She wears my (old) sunglasses at night….because she thinks they make her “see better”….

See, here’s the thing. For the monkey and I to coexist in harmony now that school is over, we have some SERIOUS work to do. Because she does it ALL DAY. WITH ME. And, with me only.

Let’s see…. She clings. She whines. She NEEDS. All day long. And, I finally recognized this today. I finally recognized what’s been WEARING ME RIGHT OUT every single day.

Look! Playing independently….

…YOU WOULD THINK. But, noooo. Apparently, playdough is a TEAM-ORIENTED activity. DUDE!?!

So, I set her up with the playdough, roll a few pancakes, make a few butterflies, horses and, of course, kitty cats. I put in my time. But, it’s not enough. I go to sit down at my computer to take a MUCH-NEEDED break with my twitter buds and maybe write a post or two, and I get yelled at: “MAMA, COME!” Excuse me? I’m right here. We are in the same teeny tiny living room. You are practically right beside me. And, why are you YELLING in this teeny tiny living room? I can hear you BREATHING.

Eventually, she releases me. Only to leave the playdough but a few seconds later to climb up on the couch beside me, stick a thumb in her mouth and claw at my clavicle (yes, I’m being serious).

She’s not like this with anyone else. With everyone else — teachers, it’sgrandma, even Josh-O — she’s a great independent player. Yet with me she CLINGS to my thighs, my shirt, my hands, my clavicle. Like a LEACH, like a, ermmm, newborn. How old is too old for baby sling???

Photo, with thanks, c/o Celebrity Baby Blog.

Noah Wyle’s daughter Auden (2.5 yo) is still in the sling…. And, Kate Hudson carried her daughter son Ryder HAIRCUT in a sling when he was this HUGE already….

Photo, with thanks, c/o Celebrity Baby Blog.

Ahhh, the monkey would LOVE it. Soooo close to clavicle….

Anyway, NOT HAPPENING. We’re talking through our issues instead. And, and, AND, I SIGNED US UP TO TAKE A DANCE CLASS…TOGETHER! Just the two of us! “I WILL LLLLLLOVE THAT!” she said when I told her about it. I’m thinking that spending that fun concentrated time together every week (just us) will get ME out of her system a little.

It’s a work in progress. We BOTH need to be happy if we’re going to spend SO MUCH time together this summer.

I know, in a few years I’ll be WISHING for a cuddle. I know. I SO know. I’m NOT forgetting to be grateful, and I am enjoying the little projects we do together….

Hmph. She’s a cheaty little monkey, that one…. I hope she’ll always covet my clavicle…. I just need a liiiiiiitle space now and then on these long hot summer days. Too much to ask?

Since having kids….

I don’t shower alone anymore….

I don’t pee alone anymore….

I don’t get dressed alone anymore….

I don’t work alone anymore….

I (rarely) walk alone anymore….

I don’t go to the gym alone anymore….

I (rarely) practice yoga alone anymore….

And, you know? I’m okay with all that. But, then. THIS is where I draw the line:

It’s a picture of me…. ON THE TOILET!!! A cheaty little someone grabbed the camera and got HAPPY with it while I was trying to pee…. Luckily she was wearing a hand puppet on one hand, so her aim was way off….

…most of the time. I deleted the pics she took SANS puppet. Because the last thing I need is a SCANDAL on my hands!

Seriously, though, COMPROMISING PHOTOS are where I draw the line…. Like the other day? IN THE SHOWER. It’s one thing not to be able to EVER shower alone and in peace and for more than 5 minutes, but it’s quite another to HAVE YOUR PICTURE TAKEN IN THE SHOWER….

HELLOOO? NO!!! WHERE IS THE JUSTICE? WHERE IS THE MERCY?

Where is…my CAMERA?

The winner video is FINALLY up at Cheaty Goodies! It only took me a FULL DAY to load it…. Oh well. Now I know what to do for next time.