We had our first lemonade sale today. The Monkey was so excited about it yesterday she could hardly sleep. Of course, I was blasé about it. I’ve often wished I could get as excited about such mundane family activities as going to the park or Canada’s Wonderland, as I do about going to the kid movies, like Toy Story 3 or Despicable Me (can’t wait for that one!), or eating muffins together at, erm, Starbucks.

But I’m working on it. See, I noticed something. I’ve been tired lately. I mean, seriously, tired. Anyone who’s either gone out with me or attempted to go out with me in the past month or so will have noticed. I am tired. Granted, my whole lifestyle has changed. I now no longer have any free time to myself. I go from working 9am-1pm to tending to a very high-maintenance little Rascal, then picking up his sister,  entertaining them both until dinner (which, of course, has to be cooked at some point), and, finally, completing my at-home work hours, cleaning up and making camp lunches in the evening.

So, I haven’t been able to blog much. What, once a week, max? It’s not so much because I can’t make the time, but because I don’t have the energy, because I am tired. And — surprise surprise — I blame Starbucks.

See, it’s like a drug. No, it’s not like a drug; it IS a drug. The more I drink it, the more I want it. In case you don’t already know, I’m talking about the devil itself: grande soy no-water tazo chai latte. Rolls off the tongue, it does….

Most of you know well how hard I’ve battled with this mad drink. MAD. I’ve known it was bad for me, even though everyone else was whatevs about it. I’ve unintentionally gotten a bunch of you Gorgeouses hooked on this demonic drink. Well, now I’m serious. I mean, I mean business. It’s a drug.

Like any hardcore drug, I went off it for a few days, and I was tired — major withdrawal. But now? Three days later (I made it!)? NOT TIRED. Miraculously NOT TIRED. No massive mid-day slump. NONE. I can WALK again at 3pm.

It’s a drug, I repeat. A DRUG. Like any hardcore drug, the more you drink it, the more you want it. One chai in the morning was no longer satisfying my NEED. And there was no way I was going to start buying a second chai in the afternoon, so I was passing out for want of it. Tired. Beyond tired. So, I quit it. Quit it for good. No joke. I never EVER want to feel that tiredness again.

So, lemonade stand! Already I’m excited again…. Not mundane at all. She made a sign!

And he made a sign to go with it (couldn’t you just…OY!)….

Unfortunately (my former addicted self may have said fortunately), I had to skip out for a bit to do a work assignment at the Distillery District downtown. Isn’t it fab?

It was like a mini vacation. No Starbucks required. And the whole excursion took me an hour and half….

I returned home to a topless Rascal and bikini-clad monkey enjoying some swimming in our neighbour’s front yard. Heaven! I loved this day! Maybe next week we’ll go to the Distillery District….

How was your weekend? Stay off that chai, Gorgoueses, okay? Take it from me. I’m so serious.

Love! xo Haley-O

ARTICLE ROUNDUP (my latest Today’s Parent / Canadian Parents Online articles):

Toys That Make You Go Hmmm…: The 9 most curious children’s toys ever made (This one ended up on the home page of MSN – woohoo! And it’s a funny one! If you check any of them, check THIS ONE!)

So you want to be a mom blogger: six things you need to know

11 Baby Shower Games

10 Maternity-wear Must-haves

Is It OK to Drink When You’re Pregnant

Of course, please check out my celeb blog CELEBRITY CANDY for constant updates.

Once we have reached the desired end, we think, we will turn back to purify and consecrate the means. Once the war we’re fighting for peace is won, then the generals will become saints, the burned children will proclaim in the heaven that their suffering is well repaid, the poisoned forests will turn green again. Once we have peace, we say, or abundance or justice or truth, or comfort, everything will be right. Well, it’s an old dream.

It’s a vicious illusion. For the discipline of ends is no discipline at all. The end is preserved in the means; a desirable end may forever perish in the wrong means. Hope lives in the means, not in the end. Art does not survive in its revelations, or agriculture in its products, or craftsmanship in its artifacts, or civilization in its monuments, or faith in its relics.

– Wendell Berry

Forgive me, Gorgeouses, for I hath ingested NO CHAI LATTES in two whole days. In fact, I have not had a stitch of sugar, nor a drop of caffeine.

Forgive me, Gorgeouses, for I hath exhaustion, anger and frustration — all the usual “evil” emotions that come-out-come-out with detoxification, with withdrawal.

Forgive me, Gorgeouses, for I hath posted LONG QUOTE (above) that I totally want you to read. It came to me today via iPod, via him, as usual. Which wouldn’t be such a big deal, if I didn’t ALSO get an email from her with a similar message — reminding me not to focus so much on “goals,” dietary and otherwise, but instead to make “one self-supportive choice at a time”:

What prevents you from doing things for yourself is not a lack of goals or intentions as you probably know. What would it be like to simply be kind to yourself? To rest, to eat nourishing food, to take your body out for some fresh air and movement, to allow yourself to feel your emotions, to make space for quiet time, to pray…? To trust that wholeness is already here, and not something you have to create or find? (Email, Caroline Dupont)

To think, I’d get such similar messages in two days — two days sans chai latte. So I’m DONE with GOALS, the “old dream,” “vicious illusion.” We are now, officially, all about the means (even though this, too, can become a goal if taken too seriously). It’s like a total sea change for someone as goal-oriented as I am — my entire life.

One self-supporting choice at a time.

Am I wrong? Or, could many of us use this beautiful, sage reminder?

Tomorrow is Josh and my 7th wedding anniversary. SEVENTH. Will I have a chai latte? Probably. Because if I don’t, I might be as miserable as I was today….

Or I may make the ostensibly more self-supporting choice and have a cleansing swamp smoothie…. Or or OR…, maybe for tomorrow — my SEVENTH anniversary — cake and chai lattes are self-supporting, and definitely spouse-supporting, choices?

For our anniversary tomorrow, Josh and I are taking a staycation. My parents are bravely taking the kids all day and overnight, AND they set us up in a five-star hotel in the heart of downtown Toronto — breakfast and a “special package” included! We are going to relax, enjoy, savour, indulge, hold hands, see ALICE IN WONDERLAND in 3D….

So, anyway, yes, I’m taking all the sage advice that came barreling in, welcomed, these past couple of days.  I’m thinking about my exhausting, habitual, annoying goal-making — a habit that’s even stronger, to think, than the chai latte. Without creating another goal, I’m going to simply recognize this goal-making energy, the striving, reaching, the insatiable aiming high, and to gently rein it in, rein myself back….

Kind of like this blog….

Forgive me Gorgeouses, for I don’t always know why I blog here. And I do think about this often. I don’t know where this blog’s going, for how long, to what end…. And that’s finally okay. I may lose readers and gain readers, as the game goes. Yet I plow on. To no end. With no goal.

And, so, I. I put away the arrows. I stand on this ground. Being with what’s here. Like it, or not.

Love!

xo Haley-O

P.S.: Check Cheaty Goodies for a sweeeeet GIVEAWAY. Best facial in GTA, you could win — or fabulous products for the rest of you (Canada, US and beyond)!

Guillaume Côté & Greta Hodgkinson with artists of the ballet in The Sleeping Beauty. Photo by Bruce Zinger, c/o The National Ballet of Canada).

Oh, to sleep a hundred years (and to wake up just as beautiful,
no morning breath, no stiff neck…).

I went to the ballet on Thursday with my mom, it’sgrandma. I was so wound up all day with a bunch of crazy, exciting and last-minute (as usual for me) stuff to do for work that I couldn’t IMAGINE sitting in silence, sans Macbook and sans blackberry for three hours at the ballet.

But, the babysitter arrived, as planned, at 6:30, and off it’sgrandma and I went. Me, in my lululemon yoga pants, of course, and it’sgrandma in her typical blazer and dress pants. One day I’ll dress as sophisticated as it’sgrandma (only never as tailored because I’m convinced I’m incapable). One day, I’ll remember to brush my hair and throw on lip gloss before leaving the house. I was pretty-much a frizzy-haired mess, but that didn’t stop it’sgrandma from introducing me proudly to any old friend we bumped into. Me, clasping my long black sweater to cover my too-tight tee….

I sat in my seat, looked toward the deep red curtain, and I felt my mind racing. I felt my breath halted. And I became aware of a slight buzzzzing all over my body.

How am I going to sit here for 3 hours, through two intermissions? I fretted.

The curtain opened, the music began. And, ahhhhh, le Tchaikovsky. I sat back. Breath came. Shoulders and neck softened. And my brain waves! I could literally feel my brainwaves slow down to smooth ripples. (I even tweeted it….)

The music, the setting, the stunning (as always) National Ballet of Canada dancing were like this delicious concoction. I drank it all up. And all my stress, anxiety, and tension flew out the stage door.

And so here we are again. I’ve been WOUND UP so tight for so long it seems I’ve hardly been breathing. I haven’t been going to yoga because — the same reason I didn’t go to the ballet — I’m actually AFRAID of unwinding.

AND I BLAME IT ALL ON…THIS:

I loathe this drink more than Hootie and the Blowfish, my cats’ wet food and Home Depot all put together. It is the BANE of my existence, the SOURCE of my anxiety issues, and the REASON I don’t eat anything else until 4:30pm every day, the REASON I held my long black sweater so tight across my too-tight tee at the ballet.

I don’t know about any other astrological sign, but VIRGOS like me should not drink chai lattes, or any Starbucks products for that matter. It magnifies all our flaws A TRILLION FOLD.

Watching the ballet not only soothed me because it was so beautiful, but also because it brought me back to a time when I could move like that (to a degree). I was a dancer. I had great energy like that. I could fly and spin and lean all the way back — touching my head to my heal WHILE lifting my leg into a standing splits. These days, I’m just excited to sit on my couch and exercise my fingertips, on my keyboard.

Not good.

So, yet again, we’re making a change. No more chais. EVER. That’s the first goal. That, and more kale, even though….

…and more exercise — more TURBO JAM!

You wouldn’t believe how hard it is for me to quit these chais. It’s been two days of HELL so far. I’m tired and irritable and angry and craving a hundred years of sleep. Just ask it’sgrandma, who attempted to have a phone conversation with me yesterday. Life seems hopelessly BLEAK without this stupid drink. But I’ve been in this place before, every time I quit. Another day or two and I’ll be feeling good as new. Which goes to show that stuff is CRACK.

CRACK.

We’re going to try this for 30 days and see what changes come…. Of course, I’ll keep you posted.

Love!

xo Haley-O

I sit here sipping my last sip of Starbucks Soy Chai Latte (shut it!), flipping the channels, hoping upon hope that The Real Housewives, Atlanta is on so I can see what all the hype is about. But, all that’s on is Girls Next Door, and that show irks me.

I sit here sipping my last sip of Starbucks Soy Chai Latte thinking about my children who love their Mama and who HOLD HANDS during our daily walk around the block IN our rain boots and the dress we wore to our uncle’s wedding WHEN we were 16 MONTHS OLD…. (We love that dress.) At least we’re not wearing our cherry bathing suit and play Cinderella shoes….

I sit here sipping my last sip of Starbucks Soy Chai Latte at 12am.

I sit here sipping my last sip of Starbucks Soy Chai Latte and I had NO IDEA when I sat down to write that I was going to start every paragraph with I sit here sipping my last sip of Starbucks Chai Tea Latte.

I sit here sipping my last sip of Starbucks Soy Chai Latte, and I wonder why I’ve chosen to use the word “sip” twice in I sit here sipping my last sip of Starbucks Chai Tea Latte.

I sit here sipping my last sip of Starbucks Soy Chai Latte wondering how the hell I’m going to get through the rest of my life without this dreaded devil of a drink, but then I think about Mia Michaels’ So You Think You Can Dance “Addiction” piece, which sums up my relationship with this dreaded smirking devil of a drink SO MUCH whether you believe it or not — and so I post it here AGAIN (…I also post it again because have a massive crush on KUPONO, and Mia Michaels, and also have watched it at least 300 times and you should, too…, also video is better quality this time):

I sit here sipping my last sip of Starbucks Soy Chai Latte knowing that I’ll have raging withdrawal headache when I go to my first BLOGGER BOOK CLUB meeting — oh sh*t, I’m supposed to COOK something…. Maybe my new recipe “Rice Rice Baby”? You think?

Need mushrooms.

I sit here sipping my last sip of Starbucks Soy Chai Latte looking forward to the challenge of eating ridiculously healthy and to being well and energized for my children’s sakes. Watch me, Gorgeouses. I will glow out of your screen.

LOVE!

xo Haley-O

Dr. Sharma is a genius. Somehow, he made something click within me so that I FINALLY understand the connection between food and my emotions. I mean, EVERYONE knows almost EVERYONE emotionally overeats at times. And a vast majority of us, especially in this day and age — the age of STARBUCKS — are compulsive emotional eaters. I mean, seriously, tell me you ONLY eat when you’re hungry. No. Not possible. We eat when we’re physically hungry and EMOTIONALLY hungry. Or, even when we’re just plain emotional. As in my case.

This morning was not a particularly good morning for me. I woke up PISSED off. Believe it or not, this is actually part my Ayurvedic Detox. I’m SUPPOSED to feel angry and sad and anxious right now — because the doc’s cleansing me of YEARS of pent-up anger, sadness and anxiety. I mean, I’m a compulsive smiler. I don’t really DO anger…. But, it’s there. Just hidden. Not lately…. WWWATCH OUT!

Anyway, I was PISSED this morning. At everything. At everyone. So, of course, I wanted Starbucks. I thought, “There’s no way I can go to the office all PISSED off and tired and angry, and the apple and pumpkin seeds I ate for breakfast (as per my diet) simply will not do. I better go get a Starbucks.” So, I went to Starbucks. I opened the heavy glass door, looked inside, and saw the huge lineup. I then felt my stomach turn at the smell of the place and had to leave sans CHAI. I KID YOU NOT.

I got to the office, said a few quick, quiet hellos, sat down, and nibbled on some pumpkin seeds. “Not bad,” I thought, “actually not bad.”

Several meetings and conference calls later, I was FLYING. I felt great. Really happy and looking forward to seeing my little Monkeys. I thought, “I feel great right now! Actually happy!” Then I thought, “STARBUCKS!”

Apparently, I couldn’t handle the HAPPY! I NEEDED a Starbucks to mask the HAPPY! Helloooo?

That’s when it hit me. Epiphany. I can understand eating when you’re stressed out. You don’t WANT the PAIN, so you try to STUFF IT DOWN with food. I’ve always understood that. But, why would I want to stuff down HAPPY?

EPIPHANY: I cannot deal with my emotions AT ALL. The second they show up, good or bad, I freak out and run to food.

I didn’t have that chai, no. After realizing how I’ve been USING the chai, I knew I didn’t need it. I WANTED to start facing my emotions head on and to ride them out. It was definitely an AH-HAH moment!

I challenged myself to ride out the HAPPY. And it felt good.

It felt WAY better than the indigestion and heaviness I feel AFTER I drink away my joys and sorrows.

It’s ON, Emotions. I’m ready to face you head on. And, yeah. I’m ready to like you. All of you. Bring it on, Baby, Bring. It. ON!

Love!

xo Haley-O

First of all, I have SO MUCH NEWS. And since I know you all want to hear about the finger-in-nose incident, I’ll be like The News and save the story with the most buzz for the end. So, you all have to read all this WORD FOR WORD first, okay?

FIRST FIRST. I have to mention a very important person: Cathy. The very first Kids Deserve Art artist. Look what she worked SO HARD on — to get out in ONE day so a little girl would have it on her birthday….

(As the wise old woman who taught me to teach yoga used to say in thick French accent…) CLOSER-CLOSER….

The little girl’s name is MADISON. How CEWWWT is that? Way to go, Cathy!

My little company Kids Deserve Art has been BU-SY lately. And we’re proud to say we’re having a great presence at two major Toronto children’s charities this month: earlier this month, we rocked the Silent Auction at Sunday in the Park with Lilah and, later this month, we’ll be rocking the Silent Auction at Bike for Tykes. I’m obviously really proud to be involved in these charities. Look for us at Bike for Tykes at the end of the month!

NEXT ITEM! My day (and night) job, bTrendie is sponsoring the MamaPop BlogHer party…. Check…IT:

See us? In the banner! Isn’t it pretty? SPARKLES! I have yet to put it on my sidebar. But, isn’t it GORJ? We’re also sponsoring the PEOPLE’S PARTY, and we have HOT-ARSE (that’s a hint) surprises in store for the Room 704 party. Yes, the company for which I am DIRECTOR, MEMBERSHIP & COMMUNITY is officially TAKING OVER BLOGHER.

And, whatchoo tellin’ me? You haven’t joined yet? DUDE? Support CHEATY! Heh. If you want to join, go to bTrendie and use ma code: CHEATY to get in. Love! …and thanks.

Okay, enough shameless self-pimpin’. Time to pimp some other peeps. So, last Thursday, I took my mom “it’sgrandma” out for her birthday….

First, I took her to Kristen Ma‘s LAUNCH party for her NEW BOOK, Beauty 2.0: A Holistic Guide to Natural Beauty for the Modern Age:

And my mom was so proud when I was chatting with the author herself and taking many photographs with her to get one half-decent good photo (I is un-photogenic!)….

Look at it’sgrandma in the background there. SO PROUD of me. Heh. My hair, by the way, definitely did NOT look that unbrushed. Although, come to think of it, I did go to the launch straight from a full day at the office; so maybe it was that disheveled. And, will you look at Kristen’s SKIN? Wanna get that skin? (BIG PIMPIN’: ) I’M GIVING AWAY THREE AUTOGRAPHED Beauty 2.0 books — filled with all Kristen’s GOLDEN secrets — to give away over at GOODIES later this week…. If you can’t wait for our contest, you can buy one at Amazon….

Kristen is the co-owner of Pure and Simple, aka my second home and the ONLY skincare and cosmetics lines I TOUCH. With a 10-foot pole. Isn’t she gorj….

So, the launch was held at Pure and Simple. It was FABULOUS. There were gorj ayurvedic platters set out (in keeping with her book), CUPPING sessions, makeup artists, and an ayurvedic doctor….

…the very Ayurvedic Doctor who stuck his fingers up my nose. Dr. S. R. Sharma. I met him at the launch. Yes, he took my pulse and told me….

“YOU ARE DOMINATED BY KAPHA!”

So, of course, I made an appointment immediately. I mean, no wonder I’m STILL not at the weight I’d like to be since Rascal was born. No wonder I’m often sluggish and tired. No wonder! I’m DOMINATED by Kapha! (And, so you know, us yogis take our ayurveda very seriously….)

Sooo…, the next day, I went to see Dr. Sharma. He treats all the celebs, apparently, so I knew I was in good hands…. Check him (fully posing for the pic, by the way — I asked him to) studying my info:

LOVE! After I told him my life story (kind of like how this post is turning into a LIFE STORY – EGAD – I’m. still. writing.), and then some, he determined that I am DOMINATED BY KAPHA and have a slight VATA imbalance. So, he got me to lie on this bed….

…and he did all this cool energy work on me.

…including….

STICKING HIS FINGERS UP MY NOSE!

Of course, I wasn’t prepared for it. But, I’m a yogi. So, I maintained my SAVASANA pose. And, I ACTUALLY DID NOT REACT! I just lay there — still with a straight, relaxed face! I surprise myself! Also, I was too busy marveling at the strange, like, camphor smell and the COLD sensation inside my nose…. For the rest of the session, I was thinking about my COLD nose.

AFTER the session, I asked Dr. Sharma about my nose. What is that smell? Why is it cold? What did you put in there? He said “NOTHING”! Apparently, he put NOTHING in my nose. He simply moved the energy around to create the sensation. And, then, when I thought of it? I realized the smell was the that dang CRACK I’m addicted to — STARBUCKS CHAI TEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I think that’s enough exclamation marks.)

He told me to look at his fingers, smell them. NOTHING. There was NO balm on them. NO trace of chai balm on them, Gorgeouses!

When I got home, my nose was still cold on the inside, especially when I wiggled it. So, I asked Josh to smell my nostrils. Were there any fumes emanating from them? NO. None.

So, anyway, to make a long story short(er)…. I have to go back to the centre for 5 days in a row for a FULL-ON cleanse. Wish me luck. Sharma better not stick his fingers anywhere else without warning. Eek! You never know! He wouldn’t! Right…!?

Okay, so, I’ll keep you posted on how that goes. Time for bed. And someone’s calling my name….

“MAMAHHHH!”

He’s teething. Looks like it’s going to be ANOTHER night of no sleep.

Stay tuned for the big BEAUTY BOOK contest. Coming later this week. Maybe even tomorrow, if I’m not too Kaphic….

Love!

xo Haley-O

I’m back at the gym. Doctor’s orders. Actually psychiatrist’s orders. YES, I go to a psychiatrist. Not once a week or anything, but once every few months just as a followup to the psychological DISASTERS that were my pregnancies. I think they’re calling it “pregnancy blues,” now. Like, enough women are going (certifiably) insane during pregnancy that there’s finally a term for it. Not “prenatal depression” or “prepartum depression,” as I expected, but “pregnancy blues.” This doesn’t NEARLY describe what I went through (see HERE and HERE for all the gory deets), but at least they have a name for it….

ANYWAY, once you go through something like I did — major, irrational, debilitating pregnancy-hormone-induced anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) — it doesn’t just go away. It comes back every now and then. Most troubling for me is that I still experience the PHYSICAL symptoms of the anxiety/OCD, and I’m finally accepting that certain things trigger these symptoms — like, for example, erm, hem, haw, CAFFEINE AND SUGAR, aka the STARBUCKS GRANDE SOY-NO-WATER-CHAI-TEA-LATTE to which I am majorly, irrationally, debilitatingly addicted.

So, when I kvetch DAY IN and DAY OUT here about how I CAN’T STOP drinking this ELIXIR OF LOOOOVE and ALL THAT IS GOOD FOR MOTHERS OF VERY YOUNG CHILDREN IN THIS WORLD crack — CRACK, I tell you (again) — it’s not a small deal. My psychiatrist actually wants me off this stuff. Why? Because it makes me shake for the better part of the day. It brings on the physical symptoms of my anxiety. I literally feel the anxiety coursing through my veins, even if there’s no obsessive thought connected to it.

HENCE, as per my psychiatrist, I need to GET OFF THE CHAI. Also, as per my psychiatrist, and I need to GET OFF MY BUTT. Yes. My Rascal is 19 months now, so a) we’re no longer talking about “pregnancy weight” here, b) or nursing weight, and c) that pain in my tailbone that’s SO BAD that my NEW BOSS had to switch seats with me during MY INTERVIEW because I COULDN’T TAKE THE PAIN that I get from sitting on hard surfaces for more than ten minutes or from sitting AT ALL for a prolonged period of time (speaking of which…, ouch!) HAS TO GO. Yes, I need to fix all this. I need to FEEL better. I need to HEAL from the physical and emotional pains of my pregnancies already. It’s time to move forward.

So, I’m at the gym again in the effort to move forward — to move more. And it’s amazing. AMAZING (a word I am known to overuse but that’s perfectly appropriate here). I sweat. I huffed. I puffed. I need new shoes. Anyone know a good vegan running shoe?

Yes, I’m back at the gym. But, I’m still drinking chais. BUT, as my GORJ online buddy Lindsey reminded me on Twitter yesterday, baby steps. Baby steps, baby steps, BABY STEPS!!! Anyone see that movie: What About Bob? With Bill Murray? Richard Dreyfuss? BABY STEPS!!!

LOVE! Anyway, I’ll start with the gym, and then I will definitely, finally, ditch that chai. Again.

And then, maybe, as the book I’m reading explains, I’ll figure out what’s REALLY behind that self-destructive addiction. Maybe I won’t need the chai anymore now that I’m starting to take care of my body? Maybe I won’t want it?

Basically, I’ve had an epiphany. Yes. I’m finally ready to set up some new boundaries. All my years of dieting and eating issues were filled with STRICT BOUNDARIES. When I became pregnant, and crazy, ALL those boundaries collapsed. And I’ve been living on chai tea crack, sugar, breads, peanut butter, ever since. So, it’s ALMOST time, Gorgeouses. It’s almost time time to start GRADUALLY rebuilding the boundaries. Correction: to gradually rebuild HEALTHY boundaries — working out, eating RIGHT, taking care of myself, and moderation. Moderation, baby. And baby steps.

Tomorrow — SAMBA CLASS at the gym! Weeee!

Now, go check CHEATY GOODIES for our EMERGENCY PREPAREDNESS contest. Only Canadian’s are eligible for this one, but the post and video will make everyone think.

1. Overwhelmed with mental, physical and emotional exhaustion.

2. Not wanting to whine about it.

3. Figure if stick to numbered list, any hint at whining will be undetectable.

4. What’s the deal with whining? It’s basically venting but with different tone of voice, right? And venting’s okay, right?

5. Venting on blog equals GOOD, right?

6. What’s the deal with my pants? They’re tighter today than they were yesterday. And, they’re Lululemons.

7. Trying to get to bed early so can wake up before Rascal and start working out in the MORNINGS so will feel motivated throughout the day to be the dieter once was….

8. But, eek…. The dieter I once was was anorexic and bulimic.

9. Thinking am having hard time finding the middle ground between eating badly and eating disorder….

10. Thinking years of eating disorders has made it impossible for me to finally lose the remaining pregnancy weight.

11. Thinking maybe this whole thing is a life lesson in self-acceptance no matter what my size is.

12. Thinking this topic is too big for list post.

13. Like, that maybe should write deep, essay-type eloquent post about this.

14. Maybe one day.

15. Not today.

16. Like, should write about how my experiences with eating disorders affect how I mother my children.

17. How I worry about what I say about food and my body when my daughter’s around.

18. Have reduced self to asking Josh if I look any s-l-i-m-m-e-r today…, instead of saying it outright in front of Monkey.

19. Monkey who has, by the way, re-named herself “EGGWIN” — “I am NOT ‘Monkey,’ I am ‘EGGWIN’ — after this train, whose actual name is apparently “EDWARD”….

20. Will always remember episode of America’s Next Top Model (forget what season) in which the psychologist tells Tyra that bulimics are “hardcore.”

21. Saw myself in different light after that episode.

22. Am hardcore.

23. Have been free of anorexia/bulimia for 9 years.

24. Cured myself of (physical symptoms of) the disorders.

25. But must always, of course, consider self as recovering.

26. Instead of “Skinny Bitching” until go to Bermuda…alone!, need to start today to focus on the real stuff.

27. Not on the food but on the feelings.

28. On the self.

29. On the acceptance.

30. On the it’s-not-the-Starbucks-chai-tea-cracké but something else….

31. Maybe it’s the I-need-to-treat-myself-to-special-things….

32. Things that make me feel good about myself….

33. Massage? Facial? Yoga? Reading? Art? Even, GASP, fitness….

34. Need to feel good about self and nurture SELF…

35. Sans barista.

36. Self-nurturing, self-acceptance, self-love….

37. Who wants to join me on THAT?

38. Time to get to the core of it.

39. Time to focus on finding that middle ground.

40. Or to accept everything as is.

41. Even that every day is a struggle.

42. Note to self: am strong and have courage enough to deal with said struggle every day.

43. What’s the deal with hyacinths — like, that it only takes ONE little hyacinth to smell up an ENTIRE house when blooms…?

44. Hyacinth is my FRIEND now, though, so she stays….

Tomorrow (Tuesday) is CHEAT DAY! So, let me congratulate all the Cheat Day participants — Lavendula, Julie, Kellie, Lindsay, and Heather — for going sugar and caffeine free for A LONG TIME. CONGRATULATIONS. You win a big wet kiss from MINDEN….

As for me…, I totally sucked on this cleanse. I cheated every day. Every day, that is, UNTIL Cheat Day — which is tomorrow. In other words, I had a Starbucks soy chai latte EVERY FREAKING DAY.

Ick.

Tomorrow I start over again on THIS no-sugar, no-caffeine, no animal products (hollahhh!) Skinny Bitch diet….

Only I’m going to skip the no-caffeine part. Because, DAMMIT, if last night is any indication, my son is NOT in fact STTN. I knew it. You knew it…. Oy! I knew I was jinxing myself yesterday when I said he was “sleepingthroughthenight.” Sheesh. Gorgeouses, he was up ALL NIGHT last night. What IS that? Dang jinx AND dang time change is what it is, dangit dangit.

Sigh, anyway, I think a little chai tea BAG (not chai tea CRACKÉ) is perfectly, as Monkey would say, “acceppable.”

I still have to “bone up” (heh, that expression kills me every time) on my Skinny Bitch rules and regulations. It’s been so long since I read it, after all…. In addition to keeping a tiny bit of “healthy” caffeine in my diet — green tea only, if possible — other changes I’d make to the diet is keeping it whole-food oriented. I’ve been a vegan long enough not to need fake meats to keep my taste buds interested….

I also need to drink TONS of water. My lips are a GIANT BILLBOARD of an indicator that I’m dehydrated. They’ve never been this chapped. They throb sometimes, they’re so chapped! I know, ew!

Yes, it’s time (AGAIN) to get healthy, energized, FIT, and the hell OFF the SUGAR ROLLER COASTER. Honestly, you should see me after I drink that chai CRACK latte. I’m fine for the first 10 minutes and then BANG — I’m shaking like a leaf and swearing up and down that I will NEVER drink it again. Just ask my friend Leah who saw it with her own eyes this morning.

Yes, instead of going to yoga this morning, I stopped at Starbucks to buy my LAST CHAI TEA CRACKÉ ever only to bump into one of the mothers at Monkey’s preschool. Leah. Feeling more social than usual, I asked her if she wanted to sit for a bit, and we chatted intensely for two hours! So, yes, I need a little Starbucks in my life or I will end up going to yoga class. Oh. That’s not a very good lesson. Must work on EVERYTHING in life…. So far from perfect am….

In addition to cleaning up my diet the Skinny Bitch way, I’ll be doing my fitness videos daily — alternating between two of my faves: Skinny Bitch Fitness: Boot Camp…

…which is GOOD because it reminds me I’m not the only vegan in the world, but BAD because they say “bitch” and “ass” a lot and I can’t cover Monkey’s ears while exercising (or anytime, for that matter); and, of course, Turbo Jam…

…which is the FUNNEST workout ever (thanks to MC for the recommendation! LOVE!).

Monkey will be in the room when I work out, and Rascal will be napping (he’s anawesomenapper now). Because he can’t handle it. If he’s in the room when I’m working out, he’s fine for the first 10 minutes and then starts screaming at me and pulling my pant leg — sort of like he does WHENEVER I COOK. Here’s hoping Monkey doesn’t pick up the colourful Skinny Bitch language, though.

By the way, look what Monkey’s been wearing all the time now (so much that I forget what her hair looks like underneath)….

It’s the Thomas the Train conductor’s hat…. And look what she’s brought with her to school today….

…not good. Good news is, as you can see, she has new interests. Although, thankfully, Pablo is still her favourite doll (I may cry when that sweet phase is over), The Backyardigans TV show addiction is A THING OF THE PAST. Our favourite shows are now Thomas the Train and In the Night Garden. Oh carp, tell me I didn’t just jinx that — if I have to watch one more Backyardigans episode I’ll cry big bulbous Rascal tears….

HUGE Congrats to the Cheat Day Gorgeouses! Now, who’s joining me in NO SUGAR and EXERCISING EVERY DAY until I go to BERMUDA…ALONE, HOLLAHHHH!!!???

Love!
xo Haley-O

So, did you hear I’m going to Bermuda…? By myself? It’s at the end of the month, though. So, I MAY bring it up few hundred more times. I will try to hold back, though. Squeeee!

Anyway, this is a CRA-HAY-ZY one today because of the exhaustion factor — as always. But, this time, it’s not because Rascal’s waking up every 2 hours, as he has been for the past 4 months. No, this time, it’s because I’m getting a solid seven hours. He’s sleeping through the night — and I type this with my fingers crossed and while KNOCKING ON WOOD because I can’t afford to jinx myself….

Also, I confess, I’m a little distracted. It’s The Bachelor finale night, which is HUGE in my world. Especially since, before the big BERMUDA NEWS, I felt I had nothing to look forward to BUT The Bachelor, and a couple other guilty pleasures (in no particular order, ‘course): The City, The City Aftershow, Celebrity Apprentice, ROCK OF LOVE BUS (don’t. ask), American Idol, The Office, 30 Rock, The Young and the Restless and, of course, PROJECT RUNWAY CANADA, WHICH is the closest I can get to TIM GUNN right now…. Tim Gunn, who FYI is FIERCELY anti fur/skins/wool (a man after my own heart), recently put out a disturbingly, heartbreakingly graphic PETA video and has launched an entire campaign to bring awareness to “fashion’s true victims” and to urge designers like Donna Karan and Giorgio Armani to forego fur. I love him more than ever. He is my all-time favourite celebrity. Putting him on the sidebar NOW….

Tim Gunn. Perfection. Love.

Sigh, anyway….

I’d like to take this opportunity to thank the people at HYLANDS for creating THIS miracle salve….

It’s been sitting on my counter for WEEKS. And since Rascal was so beyond fussy today, and since I noticed a molar piercing through his li’l gums today, I took it out of the box, cut the tip of the applicator, squeezed some on my finger and shoved it in his protesting mouth. Not TWO MINUTES LATER he was asleep. Fast asleep. Like, zzzzzzzzz. I’m officially in love. With Hyland’s Teething gel…. (And no this is not a paid advertisement — even though it TOTALLY sounds like one!)

I’d also like to take this opportunity to point something out. You know that whole “Count Down to Cheat Day”? (See sidebar….) Wondering why I haven’t mentioned it? Why I haven’t cheered on the Gorgeous participants? Because (it’s time to fess up) EVERY DAY since I started that thing has been CHEAT DAY. I’m back off the Starbucks Soy No-Water Chai Latte (HOLD THE CRACK) wagon. But, it’s days like today where I just DON’T CARE. Because THIS is so worth it….

Tea with my little man while Monkey was at preschool. Until central Toronto gets a cute coffee shop, or two, that is NOT a Starbucks, it’s going to be pretty dang hard to avoid this drink…. And, that’s just the truth of it.

Sigh…. But I’ll keep trying….