This Is Just to Say
by William Carlos Williams

I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast

Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold

This Is Just to Say
by Minden

I have eaten
the lettuce
that was in
the reusable grocery bag

and which
you were probably
saving
for dinner

Forgive me (meowwww)
it was delicious
so sweet
and so cold

Minden is the only member of Cheaty’s house who hasn’t vomited in the last few days — not even a hairball. It’s probably thanks to the lettuce.

CHEATY ANNOUNCEMENT!

The artists of Kids Deserve Art and I have submitted fabulous pieces to a very special auction, “To Haiti With Love.” Please go on and check the pieces and BID, and please TELL YOUR FRIENDS (facebook, email, etc.)! All the donations are going DIRECTLY to St. Joseph’s Family of Homes for Children in Haiti.

The auction closes on February 8th at midnight! So, go go go! And please spread the word.

Click HERE to go straight to all the KDA items!

Haley-O

At 2 years and 2 months old, the Rascal is starting to really talk. Sometimes I think I need some sort of translator contraption like the one in the movie Up….

…but for 2-year-old humans. For the most part, though, I’m understanding him — and I’m LOVING the way he bravely conquers each word.

Like “Pickadoe.”

“Pickadoe,” we’ve discovered, is Rascal’s word for “PEEK-A-BOO.” It took me a while to figure this one out, in particular, because he tends to say it without the traditional hand gesture….

PICKADOE!

In addition to our entertaining advancements in language, we are very, VERY affectionate, especially with our MAMA. This kid will not go to bed without, I KID YOU NOT, 20 kisses between the crib bars. For about five or so minutes after I put him in his crib, I have to crouch down to his level, stick my face between the crib bars, and repeatedly meet THIS usually wet, sometimes-snotty, always-adorable pucker:

These are but two of the many awesome Rascalisms I am CHERISHING and want to remember always — he’s growing so freaking fast!

I also want to remember these crazy elaborate beds The Monkey’s been making for her new doll “Marshmallow”….

Yes, she’s given Marshmallow ALL her toys to sleep with. That’s one lucky doll…. (And one unlucky MAMA will eventually be cleaning all this up.)

In related news, Minden’s breath is as bad as ever. Here:

Whew! Oh, what’s that? You missed it? Here:

Oh, EXCUUUUSE ME! Apparently, Minden’s not amused….

PICKADOE!

xo Haley-O

Guess what?

Yes, you’re right, I’m crazy busy. That’s what. And I’m working on that. I’m figuring things out. I’m working on DELETING MY EMAILS AS I GET THEM instead of letting them fester until I delete them LATER — wow, what a difference that makes!

And I’m keeping my feet warm in my FABULOUS slippers, which, since I’m in the mood to overshare, I’ll show you right…now:

I kid you not. I don’t know WHY I got these, nor do I remember WHEN I got these. But they keep my feet warm, and they’re UNIQUE. You love them.

That’s not why we’re here today, though, nor is it why I’ve been too busy to blog or read blogs or answer emails or EAT lately. No, my fab slippers are not the reason.

The reason. Is something remarkable. Incredible. Brillers. Fab. DA BOMB. Awesome. Tastic. The reason is THIS. YES, it’s a brand sparkling new KIDS DESERVE ART WEBSITE designed with love and care and beyond-hard work by the seriously ridiculously talented SARA KUGELMASS — the artist who creates those magnificent SKART PRINTS on the site….

…How badly do I want these “er-er” prints for the RASCAL. (We have the planes already — and looooove.)

Come back and tell me how much you LOVE IT. (Note that it’s basically in BETA. There are still some changes to be made, and we’re working on implementing e-commerce — fancy…, like ma slippers!)

Love!

xo Haley-O

“Are you anxious and lacking self confidence?”

Excuse me, appropriately-timed SPAM EMAIL, you talking to me? YOU tawkin’ to ME?

Apparently, so.

“Are you afraid that women may look down on you? Are you worried about your friends laughing at you in the locker room? Then [BlahBlah] penis enlargement pills is the solution for you.”

Maybe not. That’s okay. Anyway. That all caught my attention.

At this very moment, I am anxious and lacking self confidence. The BlahBlah Penis Enlargement Company couldn’t have put it better. And it’s okay that the entire world knows it.

See, I am so transparent. Sometimes I’m embarrassed about how much I put out there online and in real life, YES. But, then I remind myself that that’s what I’m here — as in ON THIS PLANET — to do. And then I remind myself that there are others who ALSO put themselves out there and do quite well….

(I’m actually a fan of Spencer Pratt, by the way. You love it.)

Certainly, we could all use a little more transparency in our lives — and there’s nothing like a good buzz word. TRANSPARENT. Which sounds remarkably like trans-parent. Hmmm, what to make of that?

By the way, I have a new tick: I say “certainly” all the time now. It’s a little worrisome.

And, no I’m not drunk.

Where was I? (As Rascal would say:) “Oh.”

At this very moment, I am anxious and LACKING IN SELF CONFIDENCE. But, seriously? Who the f*ck has so-called high self-esteem, or even normal self-esteem? What woman? Give me her contact info. We should toooodally have a CONVO.

Except my daughter.

My daughter has amazing, inspiring self-esteem. And, in recognizing the sorry state of my own self-esteem, I’d say she and her stellar self-esteem are in GOOD HANDS (look at that high parenting self-esteem, doncha knowww). Because I know all the red flags. I catch them in myself, like, every minute, and I take a deep breath and roll my shoulders back and say “f*ck it” and “I can do this.” Awareness, man. It’s the key to everything.

Yooooga.

Ujayiiiiii.

Also, at this very moment, like right NOW, I’m very very busy. In the middle of work CHAOS, actually. Too busy to be reflecting on my psychology, on my issssues. And it’s making me a weeeeeeee bit CARAZAY! (Did you notice? Tell me it’s not noticeable.)

So, FINALLY, I interrupt this blog to give you a little something to look at while you think about your self-esteem. What’s your self-esteem looking like lately? Are you HARD on yourself like I am? Or, are you someone I need to have a CONVO with….?

Here’s the something to look at:

I know, you’ve ALL seen this picture before. And you totally remember it. Heyyy, how could I use an old picture? I’m so bad. Such a bad blogger. La la la. I’m too busy to look for a cute new one.

Here’s something else for you, though – on optical ILLUSION:

Here’s the illusion (it’s très coo): if you stare at this photo of MARGE! long enough, you’ll start to see this:

I’m going to bed. Early. Someone needs sleep. Big time.

Love…

xo ahalywe0p

I’ve had a really bad couple of days. I even stayed off the internet for most of the day today — to think! I know! — because I didn’t want my bad mood to ooze into the screen and contaminate all my FRIENDS. Better to keep it to myself, I thought. Truth is, too, I was a little too busy to get online because I was working on…THIS:

I worked on this ALL afternoon — and THROUGH DINNER. Poor Josh put out the plates, seated the kids, and was all, “Hale, come to the table,” and I was all (in my concentration AND bad mood), “SSHHH! I’M FOCUSING!”

Setting up Rascal’s new Thomas the Train set with all its new birthday ACCOUTERMENTS (word!) was NOT easy to do. And, despite all my hard work, Josh insisted we put it in the back of the house, near the side door. But I wanted it in the living room. SO I COULD LOOK AT IT.

Besides, there are too many windows in that back room. HENCE, this little problem:

GET OFF MY TRAIN SET. OFF. HISS. NOW. MINE. (And don’t you just want to rub his soft belly, OY!)

So I moved it back. I TOOK IT APART and moved it back to the living room, despite Josh-O’s protestation (word!). But, he had to admit, it’s beautiful enough to be a living-room centrepiece. And, so, here it is restored….

Gah. They will, apparently, sit on that table no matter WHERE I put it. Mind you, I WAS totally giving them a good show — putting THIS together before there creepy eyes:

Isn’t it GORJ??

Speaking of GORJ and creepy and my bad mood, my sweet MARRRGE! is not doing so well….

According to my vet, she’s lost TWO pounds in a short amount of time. And, as cliche as it may be, cats are apparently supposed to get FATTER as they get older. Not THIS fat, but fatter, and certainly not thinner. The vet took a blood test this morning, and we’ll have the results tomorrow. Either way, it’s bad news for MARRRGE!: if the test results are good, she gets 4+ teeth extracted because she’s in PAIN (and I’m hoping THIS is the reason she’s lost so much weight, but, brutally, vet says he’s “worried”); if the test results are bad…, well, we don’t want to go there.

After all, we did just lose our Tigger. I’m so not ready to say good bye another cat — especially one who’s been my loving friend for 12 years. I’m already crying at the thought of it. So, I better shut this thing down and find some other toy to build.

I’ll keep you posted on twitter.

Love,

xo Haley-O

I could totally write a sappy post right now — since I’ve been known to hazard them a little lately, AS I struggle over and over again to find my identity both on- and offline. Who the hell am I supposed to be? What do the PEOPLE want? And is that what I want? Who, me? Who?

And this was NOT what I meant to write about today….

So, I’ll just write from the heart, and give you whatever comes from this way-overtired brain tonight. And when I say way overtired, I mean WAY overtired. Overtired enough this week to…

a) buy the same book for myself twice in FOUR DAYS.

b) walk out of TOYS R US with unpaid MERCH under my armpit (of course, I ran back and paid for it).

c) and WHO STOLE MY BAGEL?

Rascal. The Rascal stole my bagel. He’s TWO going on BAGEL THIEF.

He’s 2 as of tomorrow, that is, WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 23 — on the CUSP of Virgo. Yes, he escaped Total Virgo by a thread (a special, lovely, golden thread, with magical powerses). Two years old. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LITTLE MAN, and your tenth percentile, and your BIG OLE ZIT on your cheek that I’m hoping to GOD isn’t chicken pox because I’m way overtired. Overtired enough to…

a) let my overtired daughter stay up AGAIN to watch So You Think You Can Dance Canada, which, by the way, is AWESOME.

b) attempt to put a shoe on Rascal’s HAND instead of his foot.

c) ask a mother at Monkey’s new school first-and-foremost if there was good PARKING at her daughter’s dance school.

d) mouth “HELP ME” to the cat. This cat:

Wait. That’s a pygmy goat. Bygones. And he’s eating my stroller. No wonder my stroller SUCKS lately….

Yes, Rascal is 2 years old. Amazing. And, lucky for you, I’m too tired to get sappy. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow I’ll tell you how precious he is with his toothy, ear-to-ear smile with scrunched-up nose, his fluorescent blond hair, his massive blue eyes, and that belly button — “BUTCH, Mama, BUTCH” — that he loves to fondle, and the “CH” sound with which he finishes ALMOST every word he utters, and his still-doughy legs and bubble butt. Just? Love….

Maybe tomorrow I’ll tell you about Monkey’s first days of kindergarten and how she clings to me some days wanting no school but “MAMA,” but then comes home elated and proud of herself and HYPER and horribly, terribly naughty…, and how almost every other girl in her class is BLOND-HAIRED and BLUE-EYED, and how I’m not sure how I feel about that….

Maybe tomorrow I’ll tell you how short Monkey’s hair is thanks to a certain children’s hair salon that specializes in THE IGOR….

And, how Josh-O was furious that I did that to OUR DAUGHTER, and how SHE LOVES IT. HOW I (me) LOVE IT….

…and kitties.

They’re growing up so fast….

Love! I’m too overtired to go to bed. Maybe will tweet for a bit….

xo Haley-O

Guess why I have can’t come to the blog right now….

I’ll give you three hints:

1. Lindsay Lohan

2. Mariah Carey

3. Susan Boyle

Give up? And, NO, it has nothing to do with my windswept hair or kick-arse singing voice — talk to me after you hear me sing in the shower — but nice try.

Like Lindsay, Mariah and Susan, I had a classic case of CELEBRITY EXHAUSTION SYNDROME (CES) last night. Yes, it started out with a major headache. We’re talking headache of the century. I was even convinced to take a pill, and I never take pills. But, taking the pill was for naught because, alas, I THREW IT UP. And, after I THREW UP the pill and my entire dinner and I believe some lunch (isn’t this lovely?), I FAINTED.

I FAINTED!

FAINTED FAINTED FAINTED.

Josh didn’t have the camera on him, so we’ve done a little reenactment for you. Here:

That was me. Only, I was in my underwear (very glam), and half in and half out of the washroom. And there were no kids around. They were sound asleep. Until 2AM, when Rascal decided he was “done” sleeping: “MAMA, I DONE! I DONE!” I don’t think so!

So, I feel like crap. Although not crappy enough to cancel on Jenifer-Lyn this evening — GNO (girls night out) HOLLAH!

I’m not sure exactly why I fainted. I haven’t fainted since that one time? in university?  I drank too much? And I dropped at the FRONT of the Karaoke bar…. On my way out of the bar, EVERYONE asked me if I was okay….

With Rascal up every night (maybe he’ll start sleeping through the night before his Bar Mitzvah?), and the astronomical volume of my current workload, it’s no wonder my body SHUT DOWN and said NO MO! I DONE! It does that sometimes. I better listen to it and get some rest…. I’m still totally WOOZY.

Love!

xo Haley-O

EVERYONE knows that here at Cheaty Monkey we like a good phallic toy. Remember this one (scroll way down)?

You all thought THAT was phallic. WELL, CHECK THIS OUT (discovered this afternoon at the pediatrician’s office):

BELIEVE me, the mom sitting beside me in the waiting room was not amused by my phallic-toy picture-taking, not one bit. Perhaps a little bit curious, yes — but definitely a lot appalled. (THE THINGS I DO FOR YOU, Gorgeouses!) Now, more importantly, can you guess what this is? It’s a snake.

As if snake toys weren’t phallic enough, they had to put a PENIS on top of it? And they had to make the PENIS an instrumental part of this toy, so that, when you press it down, the snake IT GLOWS!

Of course, Monkey loved it. And it was a welcome distraction. For five minutes she stopped asking me about “The Human Body”:

Mama, what’s inside your ear? Eardrums.

Mama, what’s inside your head? Your Brain.

Mama, what’s inside your tongue? Umm….

Mama, what’s inside your nipple? Uhh….

It’s only a matter of time before she asks me how EXACTLY she got inside my tummy. And, I’ll just be honest with her. After all, I have no problem telling her DAILY that “Mama squeezed you out of her vagina.” Of course, while I was at the pediatrician’s for Monkey’s check up today, I asked the doc what I should do when the question arises, and he confirmed that honesty is the best strategy. Hear that, Nap Warden?

WHICH brings me to my next question. CLOTHES OR PAJAMAS?

I say CLOTHES, but Josh INSISTS these are pajamas. Let’s have a POLL in the comments, shall we? Prove me RIGHT, Gorgeouses…. Or, as I did to monkey the other day (for good reason, don’t be alarmed), I’ll force you to drink one of my GREEN SMOOTHIES.

Hey, I’m over at Canada Moms Blog at some point today, talking about my VEGAN self.

And, HEY, check me over at Cheaty Kitchen making a brand new CHAI that’s BETTER THAN STARBUCKS. Thanks to my nutritionist/energy worker (and author of my fave food book) Caroline Dupont for bringin’ it!

PAJAMAS OR CLOTHES?

Love!

xo Haley-O

About a fifth of my readers come here every day for my post about celebrity feet. It amazes me every time I look at my site metre and find referral after referral from some google search for “celebrity feet.” (And if it’s not “celebrity feet,” it’s “Justin Timberlake’s Penis” or ANYTHING “monkey” — and, if I were you, I wouldn’t ask me to elaborate on that one….)

So, between the search hits and THE EMAILS, clearly you want feet. And, even though I HAVE given you my feet as you requested (here — and, yes, that’s all you’re getting, my loyal fetishists), I like to give my readers what they want.

You say you want feet?

I give you feet.

Especially since there’s a FETISHIST IN DA HOUSE.

Go figure.

It’s…my Rascal.

He’s freakishly obsessed with….

His SOCKS.

Every morning we have a sock crisis. First he wants one pair….

Then he wants another….

And another….

And it’s, like, serious business. If you don’t give him the socks he wants….

Yes, it’s serious business. And I don’t know WHO has time for this every morning….

Anyway, today was a little better. White….

(Rascal on a walk with his teeny it’sgrandma….)

I’m learning that if you just DO IT QUICK — SLAP ON THOSE SOCKS QUICK with as MUCH DISTRACTION as possible, like, a little “Row Row Row Your Boat” or “ha ha hee hee ha ha ho,” then it seems to be OK.

What’s that you’re saying? Not enough feet for you? Aiight. Check it….

In yo face! (I’m lookin’ at YOU, Tanner P!) Heh. And, whad’ya know, there’s MY foot — in the bottom-right corner….

Love!

xo Haley-O

Make it stop! Gorgeouses, make it STOP! I can’t. I can’t stop procrastinating. I have SO much work to do this evening, and am EXHAUSTED. I’m exhausted because I had SO much work to do LAST NIGHT. And I procrastinated the evening away DAMN YOU TWITTER CRACK HATE until there was no other choice but to work until 2am.

Granted, it didn’t help that I had to rewrite my ENTIRE Canada Moms Blog post because Typepad crashed DAMMIT CRACK, I MEAN CRASH and I had to get it all out before it left my tired brain forEVAH.

Sigh. And here we go again. But, I’m even MORE tired than I was when I was procrastinating LAST night. But, that’s neither here nor there (whatever that means).

In the meantime, I figured out what the deal is with my Canada Moms Blog posts. Like, why I have such trouble loosening up there. Obviously, it’s not yet MY HOME. And it takes time to find your voice in a blog of MANY voices. I mean, no wonder…. But, there’s one more thing. PICTURES. No PICTURES. Writing with no pictures feels more like ESSAY writing than BLOGGING. We’re only supposed to have one picture there. So, I sit down, find my picture, and I WRITE MY ESSAY. GAH!

Gorgeouses. I FIGURED IT OUT. I need to get used to blogging sans PICTURES. Call me PAUL WILLIAMS — mystery solved!

So, go read my words  at Canada Moms Blog while I wait here for you procrastinating on twitter. And please cut me some slack there for a while. No pictures! I’m like a child. I NEED PICTURES. Otherwise, I’m fighting tooth and nail with my old academic self NOT to write formal ESSAY. She and I are STILL fighting. Don’t worry, I’m winning. I need to write a few more essays blog posts there, and we should be in the clear. It’s all good, though — I love a good challenge.

As for right here right now? PICTURES! Check it:

1) As promised…, SPARKLERS from Victoria Day. And that’s some scary sh*t — Cheaty does NOT recommend….

2. Minden on my COMPUTER bag…. Suck-age.

3. Now, look out the window. To the right. Here — here’s a closeup….

4. It’s HOWARD!

HOWARD STERN…, i.e…:

Yes, I’ve named my new pet squirrel “Howard Stern” after Howard Stern. Because, well, it’sgrandma and I LOVE HIM. And I’m determined to get Howard to tweet me back one of these days. HEAR THAT, HOWARD?….

I’ll keep you posted on how that’s going, ‘course. Anyway, Howard Stern the squirrel (aka “Howie”) is totally STALKING ME, as you saw THROUGH MY WINDOW….

5. …which makes things a little, erm, awkard at dinner lately….

6. And if you think this kid actually sits this nicely at dinner, you have another thing coming….

That’s more like it. Ugh. SIT. DOWN.

7. There are no pictures of me here, of course, because I was pissed off all day. I taught yoga to two preschool classes and worked like a dog whenever I got a spare minute (“minute” being the operative word here)…. But, this is what made me feel better. VIEW FROM MY EYES AFTER DINNER WHEN JOSH-O GOT HOME AND RELEASED ME FROM GRIPS OF CHILDREN:

It’s not the ocean, or mountains or waterfalls. Just a tree near my backyard. I love it. Love trees. Love the way they reach up to the skies and ground down into the earth…. And, ahhh, I can breathe again.

Back to work.

Love….

xo Haley-O