I’m breaking out like a teenager who eats tons of pizza and wipes the grease all over his forehead and passes out on his bed without showering, with his forehead in his pizza, and his cat who wakes him up at EXACTLY 4:44am every morning with gooey kisses on his pizza forehead (what’s WITH THAT?). I don’t even eat pizza, or cheese for that matter, but I do have a cat who wakes me up at 4:44am every morning (but he kisses my mouth, alas, and not my forehead), and I have dots on my forehead.

I think it’s from all the yoga I’ve been doing in a steamy hot room. They’re asking me to do this pose, bhujapidasana, now, and I just…I don’t know….

I just don’t know, Gorgeouses. I can get my legs around my arms, and I can cross my ankles like that, but I cannot FOR THE LIFE OF ME lift my feet off the ground. I blame this, of course, bane of my existence….

Hate. It’s Starbucks’ fault I can’t do bhujapidasana. It’s Starbucks fault that I have pizza face. Yoga should give you smooth skin. Yoga and PROPER DIET should give you smooth skin. Too much (grande) sugar (chai), fat (soy) and caffeine (latte) and not enough veggies (KALE) for way too long EQUALS major pizza face.

So the other day, I devised a strategy to draw people’s attention away from my forehead. So I exchanged the medium-sized hoop earrings Josh got me for my birthday for large hoop earrings, and I love.

You should totally get some, too. Note how the forehead is cropped out. Yes. Also, yes, I’m wearing a “Quitting Starbucks One Day at a Time” t-shirt. Josh’s sister and her husband had it made for me because they know I mean business. *Cough.* I mean business.

I’m off to bed because, clearly, I need some beauty sleep. Plus I have to wake up early to work on my bhujapidasana. While you’re sleeping soundly tomorrow morning, I’ll be in my still-dark living room working on bhujapidasana. Think of me?

In other news, I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, I love him, am thoroughly entertained by him — THE SITUATION — and I’ve told twitter all about it, and they’ve heard enough from me so I’m telling you HE….

…is the reason I’m now watching Dancing With the Stars when I swore I would NEVER. A classic example of “you know it’s love when….”

Love!

xo Haley-O

I just laughed my arse off after my 15th viewing of a video that’s apparently been making millions of people laugh for months now. I actually really relate to this video because, as some of you know, I often get excited by even the smallest of natural wonders…. But this…. THIS. Check it, and then tell me I’m not the last person to see it.

I’m officially a hardcore fan of YosemiteBear.

Here’s the hysterical song parody….

It’s all so feel-good funny. I love it. Hope you did too. Hope it drew massive UNICORN tears of laughter.

My sis in law and her husband just showed me the videos now, and I had to share them with you GORGEOUSES! I’m at Josh’s parents’ country house just outside of Montreal — for Rosh Hashana (the Jewish New Year). We’re also celebrating my birthday (TODAY, September 10!). Josh got me some hoop earrings because I mentioned I was craving HUGE ONES, but they looked terrible. More like pirate chic than, what I’d hoped for, bohemian chic….

Harrrrr!

I’m 36. Right now. it’s 12:04am and I’m officially 36. It’s gonna be a good year. I know it. Because I’m wearing a sparkly purple shirt, my dog Betty White is NOT BARKING, and I just ate cake.

DOUBLE RAINBOW! OMG! What does this mean? So intense….

Love!
xo Haley-O

Ohh, the Google hits I will get from all those wonderful people out there on the lofty virtual quest for “monkeys riding bikes.” It’s sure to be stat-blowing. I mean, if I get as many people coming here for this (a sure thing) as I do for my now-famous-among-foot-fetishists “Worst Celebrity Feet” post — a proud, proud moment in my blog writing career — we will rival Perez Hilton. No. Doubt. Anyway, the post hasn’t even begun, and I digress.

I digress.

So I have a video for you. A “vlog,” if you will. One of my more web-savvy friends tells me THE PEOPLE WANT MORE VIDEO on the Internets, so I’ve been taking video for you. Plus I write all day, so this gives me a bit of a breather. Mind you….

Anyway, now it’s your turn to indulge me. Maybe it was the heat today, I don’t know. But, to me? This video of my kids attempting to ride their bikes is hilarious. Checkit! (You may want to turn down the volume. I took the video on my blackberry — hence the fuzzies and high volume. Bygones!)

The video was cut short, in case you didn’t hear, because the Monkey SCREAMED for me: “MOM!” You can imagine how frustrating it is when it’s 100,000 degrees outside and your kindergartner is screaming while walking her bike. Did I mention sooo slowly?

So did you laugh? Come on, did you see the Rascal barely sitting on the bike? Pretty much riding the bike as if it were a scooter (only without any kind of glide or semblance of speed)? Gold!

Love!

xo Haley-O

PS: I am SO excited to show you my very first print article for Today’s Parent. It’s the Celine Dion piece on p. 26 of the October issue, which should be on stands or in subscribing Gorgeouses’ mailboxes any day now. Cannot wait to share it with you! I can’t even tell you the thrill I had reading it to my kids this afternoon (it’s short and cute). The monkey’s eyes lit up in actual admiration…. Sighh. Fahklempt!

As many of you know by now, I am a woman of extremes. One day I’m letting it go, and the next, today, I’m reining it in. What is up with my karma, Gorgeouses? I have some major, major karma to deal with. I mean, obviously, it could be worse — like, Oedipus (dude had some bad Karma), Anne Boleyn or George Costanza…. But this is definitely a karmic situation. And I’m not talking this Situation, for the record….

Looove. Seriously. Not in a Clive Owen kind of way.

I just struggle. I really struggle with the day-to-day stuff. My problem is that I just want to do whatever I want. Period. I struggle between my intense desire to do whatever I want and my severe desire to live an ideal life. I get completely overwhelmed by the idea that there may be a balance between these two extremes — freedom and restriction — but, I know, there is freedom in restriction, and that there is so, so much restriction in, erm, gluttony….

Woahh, this is getting to heady for us.

Take my puppy Betty White, for example. She knows exactly what she wants or needs to do. She’s perfect at it if you think about it — running in the yard, eating when she’s hungry, attacking me with kisses while I’m driving…. She’s definitely one of my idols when it comes to my karmic situation. Not this Situation, for the record….

Looove. Seriously. Not in a Javier Bardem kind of way.

Before we continue our very important conversation here, can we talk about Mr. Bardem’s serious hotness in Eat, Pray, Love for a second? Omigosh, SWOON. Hold on a sec, here….

Paaaaaaauuuuuse………

Sure, I’m one lucky woman. Not as lucky as Julia Roberts, who got to spoon Javier Bardem….

But she did it. Or, her character, Elizabeth Gilbert did it, or at least wrote the book about it. Elizabeth Gilbert — the same woman who reminds me that no woman, none of us, really knows what she’s doing these days. We have oodles of choices, and, having no oodles-of-choices predecessors, we struggle with what to do with these oodles. Here, let her say it herself….

No wonder, amid a sea of Eat, Pray, Love haters (I know you’re out there), I love Elizabeth Gilbert. She and I are, like, the same person: neurotic and struggling among the extremes of pleasure, restriction and relationships, and we are a wee bit obsessed with yoga, writing and eating. Fast forward to the last few minutes of the video….

Oh, heady again.

…When all I meant to write about was Betty White at the dinner table….

(Underbite.) She’s out of control!

(Tongue. Also chili.)

And he! He stole my favourite lip gloss!

(Bottom-teeth gap.)

And this. Between me and my macbook….

(Withkerth.) — You have to say that one out loud to understand it.

Out of control. Or, in Canadian speak, OOT of control. I’m starting to talk like that, Gorgeouses. For real life, eh? (“For real life” is actually Monkey speak for “For real” — FYI.)

Sighh. Anyway, I think I’m going on a diet (ish). And I’m doing Ashtanga yoga again — an hour or so every day but Saturdays and moon days.  Because it’s one or the other for me. I just feel like there’s freedom in it. In not having to choose all the time…. Dammit.

One day I’ll write the book on my karmic roller-coaster journey among extremes. And I’ll call it Dogs at the Dinner Table. It has a ring to it, right? On the cover, a picture of me and Betty White in downward-facing dog pose…. You can read it on your Kobos (my latest obsession. see twitter).

What I learned from a day in Niagara Falls….

I learned not to take my kids into ANY of the wax museums because there will be FREDDY KRUEGER. A less terrified-of-Freddy blogger would insert a photo here.

I can’t deal.

I learned that the incredibly beautiful Falls give good mist. My skin was oh-so-dewy!

I learned that there IS a city in this world that doesn’t have a single vegan morsel to eat — I mean other than a soggy salad fit for gargoyles (they tried!).

I learned that Frankenstein and Dracula ARE ALIIIIIVE….

I learned that I’m “the coolest chick, yeah you are!” Check this video, Gorgeouses. I took it just for you. These two lovelies were sitting at separate tables, and, apparently, when we sat down to eat, my big hat was blocking his view of her. So I took my hat off, and their love was set free…. After he bought her a glass of wine, loudly, she whispered, “why don’t you come here?” He didn’t want to leave his buddy (who, you’ll see, can do a mean chair dance). So, she went over to him. I had to get them on video, just for you. Forgive my total geekiness. I was having fun….

So you see. I have proof. I. Am the coolest chick, yeah I am. Hee. They did let me put their video online. I always ask permission (because I’m coo like dat) — hence my URGENCY: “SAY IT FOR THE PEOPLE!” *Cough.* If they only knew….

I learned that when you least expect it, some people can be a total HOOT. Love.

You can just ponder that all with this lovely view of Niagara Falls, and more.

This vid’s a little less exciting (which says a lot), but more beautiful. Mind you, there is some uninteresting conversation showcasing my only slight (alas it’s true) tendency toward ditsiness, which the voyeur in you might like….

Love!
xo Haley-O

While, yes, this blog remains a priority for me, I can’t really blog tonight because I’m busy exchanging “voice notes” with my sister via blackberry. Newly discovered. Have you tried it? We’re mostly swearing back and forth at each other. I feel a little like a child with her very first walkie-talkie. Only my sister and I are both over 30….

When we were little we tried to make a language out of knocking on our bedroom walls after bedtime. I think we got from 1 to 6 knocks. For the life of me, I can’t remember what any of those knocks signified.

I hope my latest voice note worked. I said: “You’re a nerd. G’night. F** off.” Hold on a sec. Let me check.

I think it worked. Oh, there she is. Dara and I — the only two people on the planet who don’t own iPhones. And so we send each other voice notes. She better not get an iPhone, or I’ll have no one to voice note with.

At least for now, I don’t DO iPhones. But, I said the same thing about Facebook not long ago, didn’t I…? “I WILL NEVER!!!!!11″ I’m not a hypocrite. Just a pushover. Still, I don’t know about the iPhone with these thumbs of mine — which, I hereby declare, from now on are to be called “Megan Fox” thumbs instead of “toe thumbs.”

…Just noticing the funky toe thumb-lengthening diagonal-nail-polish trick she’s done there. Hmmm….

I’m going to bed. Well, I have one more Celebrity blog post to write, and THEN I’m going to bed.

Truth is, I’m writing like a dog for work. Like THIS:

Her underbite’s so big she can’t kiss you without scraping you with her buck canines…. It’s awesome.

I love all this writing I get to do for work, but I admit I’m drained. With all the Junior Kindergarten and Preschool end-of-the-year parties, the running running running, grocery shopping ONCE a week (what IS that?!), I’m drained. Drained of ability to string words together in intelligible sentences past 10pm. Remember when I used to blog at 3AM? The days FROM HELL when Rascal was a baby and the Monkey was just over two? OMG. Well, that’s physically impossible now. I guess that’s what happens when you’re 35…….., and, in all fairness to myself, ahem, when you’re all-of-a-sudden working again AND taking care of the kids in the afternoon, AND then working nights, and eating like crap, you’re entitled. No?

So I’m going to go easy on myself tonight. I WILL not edit this post after I press publish. I’ll let it go. Into the amazing infinite non-space that is the Internet. Goodbye, post. Hello voice notes. Gotta go. mysisterCANNOThavethelastwordBYE!

LOVE! xo Haley-O

When I was around eleven years old, my parents took my brother, sister and me on a boating excursion. We stayed on a big houseboat. My sister and I slept head-to-foot in a narrow bottom bunk bed, my brother got the top bunk, and we all ate and drank out of red-and-white plastic dishes. My dad wore a sailor’s hat, and my mom wore light, large-rimmed glasses and barrettes in her hair. We were the picture of leisure.

Until we got back on land. The parking lot a bed of stones. Ripe for throwing. At my sister. In the stomach. Or so my brother said. Bad aim. MY MOUTH. MY TOP RIGHT FRONT CENTRE TOOTH. Broken. Badly.

My brother got his allowance taken away, and he lost his TV privileges for a week. I, on the other hand, got a bonding on my tooth, years of tooth anxiety (since that bonding kept spontaneously breaking off at, of course, the most inopportune times), AND 10+ root canals and other surgeries — I stopped counting after the 10th, but trust me when I tell you I know every endodontist in Toronto. It was what my brother likes to call, “the gift that keeps on giving.” So not fair.

Two days ago, I learned that the gift will give no more. ALAS, I am losing my FRONT TOOTH.

It’s going to be a lo-ho-hong process. Within the next month, after many, MANY consultations, I’ll have my front tooth knocked out, bone surgery and gum surgery to make this thing perfect. In the end, I’ll have a permanent implant put in, which will apparently be GORJ. But, again, it’s a long process. While my gums and bone heal and prepare for the implant for nine months — ARE YOU READY FOR THIS (if you haven’t already heard me exploding about it all over twitter)? — I will be wearing what I’ve heard called a “flap,” “flipper,” or DENTURE in place of the tooth. This wouldn’t be so bad…, IF ONLY I DIDN’T HAVE TO TAKE IT OUT AT NIGHT!

And, of course, I’m going to the BlogHer conference in August, sharing a room with other bloggers…. I better not drink ANYTHING. Because if my toothless grin ends up on the internets I don’t know what I’ll do.

A-ny-way.

That was Tuesday. The weirdest day of my life. That same day, I got a gap in my front yard to match the impending one in my mouth — the universe, like all my friends online and off, poking fun at me. (I was way late getting my camera out.) WEIRD….

That same day, I took the Monkey and Rascal to the YoGabbaGabba show at the Elgin Theatre (with EMMA, Sandra “MAMALOOPER” and their adorable kids). And YoGabbaGabba is, like, a trip on TV, let alone LIVE. WEIRD….

I played FREEZE with Chris Murphy from the band SLOAN. WEIRD….

From YoGabbaGabba, I learned Rascal has a new dance move: the stripper hands-slicking-the-hair-back move. Here are the hands on their way down. WEIRD….

After YoGabbaGabba, Emma, Sandra and I bravely walked all five kids to Terroni. Trust me, WEIRD….

…and they were all CRAZY. BIG PROPS to the staff at the Terroni on Queen. After Terroni, we were all zonked. I schlepped the kids four blocks from the restaurant, through the EATON CENTRE, back to our car….

And, when I got back to the car, I found the perfect evidence of the unspeakable kid craziness that transpired at Terroni. A dirty fork — IN MY PURSE. WEIRD….

That night, as Josh and I relaxed in front of the TV and our respective drugs of choice — him Facebook, me Twitter — someone started BANGING on our front door. We both shot up, looked outside, and saw someone run away. I ran to the door, and Josh said “NO,” then ran downstairs, and came back with a BAT, a police flashlight, and a hat. He was a man on a mission. He opened the front door, saw everything looked okay, said, “LOCK THE DOOR,” and stomped after the runaway. I waited nervously by the window, Macbook in hand. I was frozen, though. Shockingly unable to tweet until he was home safe.

Turns out a bunch of teenagers were egging the street. We’re lucky all we got was a loud knock on the door. Apparently, the boys FLED when they saw Josh-O stomping after them with flashlight and bat in hand. Scary dude.

WEIRD!

Tooth out!!!

Love!

xo Haley-O

P.S.: THERE’S A GIVEAWAY AT CHEATY GOODIES. My fave online/offline store and spa PURE + SIMPLE IS BACK! Check it. And enter! Their stuff is the BEST.

I’m only writing a post right now so that I can move the last post I wrote down the line. You know — the one DOWN THERE where I say I’m obsessed with Bethenny Frankel? I’m NOT obsessed with Bethenny Frankel. I’ve just had a fever on and off for 2 weeks, and I, clearly, wrote that post during one of my more feverish moments. I’m shivering with fever chills just thinking about it: me, obsessed with Bethenny Frankel. While I like her — and maintain that I still LOVE the whole Real Housewives series and may write about it elsewhere on the internet later today, from my bed, while feverish — I’m not obsessed with her. Although her body really is something else, and she tells it like it is like nobody’s business, and she makes a mean margarita (not that I drink margaritas)…. Not obsessed. Seriously. Did I mention I’m SICK AS A DOG?

I’ve been sick for 2 weeks. And, aside from the smoking part, I remind myself of Rosana Rosanadana in this famous SNL skit (FAVE)…..

From the rash in Florida, to the worst sore throat I’ve ever had in my life, to the stomach flu that had me praying to the porcelain god like I HAVE NEVER, and now to this cold? I’m A MESS. So I thought I’d share. And this is better than nothing, right? It’s better than leaving a post up for days stating I’m obsessed with Bethenny Frankel. Actually, I’m a little, more admirably, obsessed with Wallace Stevens today — since I found his book Palm at the End of the Mind in a box in my garage while I was looking for another book (that I for the life of me cannot find):

To say more than human things with human voice,
That cannot be; to say human things with more
Than human voice, that, also, cannot be;
To speak humanly from the height or from the depth
Of human things, that is acutest speech.
(Wallace Stevens, “Chocurua to its Neighbor”)

So there’s that. And just when I was about to go to bed for the entire day and maybe, like, heal and such, I realize Monkey and I have to count one hundred hearts together….

And we have to do our Friday school homework assignment…. And we have to make Valentine’s Day cards — 20 of them, which involve the handwriting of each child’s name in her class GOD HELP US ALL. And the mystery therein lies in this undeniable fact: my child’s “y”s look like vaginas….

Okay, to bed….

Love!

xo Haley-O

There are three potential first lines to this post:

1. Then again the apple never tasted so sweet.

2. “Mama, are you going to put it on your website?”

3. Dogs are such extensions of their owners, I mean, look at Bethenny Frankel….

I mean, while all the other Real Housewives are sporting chihuahuas, she comes up with this hunk of a bruiser. OY, LOVE. And her name is Cookie. I mean, does it get more compatible than that. They’re perfect for each other. And, me? I have him….

…WHOM I, proudly, rescued from a vet who didn’t seem to care much about him. Really, I’ve never said much about Minden’s origins. But, Minden was the sweetest, most affectionate cat I’d ever met, and he was spending his kitten days locked in a cage on top of his litter box. The vet and staff hardly recognized him when I brought him back in for check ups — and that makes me want to cry. THREE MONTHS Minden spent with them, and they didn’t recognize him when I brought him in. I switched vets, needless to say.

Are Minden and I compatible like Bethenny and Cookie? Just say YES.

I have countless pictures of me and Minden. Me in my big red hat and, what is that, an iPad? And my fancy shiny legs and big New York smile. I’m a little obsessed with Bethenny — and I don’t care if that’s sad — I think she’s hilarious, and I love her frankness (her Frankelness…heh).

That whole Housewives series is just a HOOT. Just yesterday, I thought, I’m NOT getting into The Real Housewives of New Jersey, I will NOT! I want to salvage at least SOME of my brain cells. But, then I saw this clip…, and I was hooked, lined and SINKERED:

OUTRAGEOUS! It’s just so outrageous. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea, I know. Some of you are probably, like Josh-O, totally disgusted right now. And, I know I should be spending my time finishing this month’s fabulous and VERY intellectual T-DOT Blogger bookclub book…. But, if you’ve spent two nights in a row “praying to the porcelain god” because you have the worst stomach flu you’ve ever had in your entire life, then a TV show like this is a GODSEND. Yes, The Real Housewives of Atlanta, Orange County, New York and New Jersey have helped me get through this flu in one piece, sort of.

And 5 pounds smaller — hoorahhh!

OH! And the brand new Project Runway………looooove.

I’m still not out of the woods. I haven’t been able to eat dinner tonight. And I’m freezing, and there are no Housewives on tonight.

But, the sliver of  apple I just sampled never tasted so sweet. AND, the Monkey is actually excited for me to post her favourite dolls “on [my] website”…. She’s starting to have a voice of her own on this blog. And it’s really cool to see that li’l evolution.

But, I’ve run out of steam, officially. Getting cold, and feeling another HURL coming on. You’ll have to wait for the dolls until next time. And, I assure you, whether or not that sounds lame, that you will love it.

You know, sometimes I get really anxious, and the weight of motherhood and the world just gets too heavy to bear. As shameful as it may be, the Housewives are an escape. These women worry about nothing outside of their own self-created dramas. It’s LIBERATING to watch, and hysterical. And the makeup and clothes are OUTRAGEOUS. OUTRAGEOUS, I tell you.

After reading this post, can you guess how high my fever is? I may just be…DELIRIOUS?!

LOVE!

xo Haley-O

P.S. Many thanks to all who participated in the To Haiti With Love benefit (ends midnight tonight). It was an HONOUR to be a part of it.

This Is Just to Say
by William Carlos Williams

I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast

Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold

This Is Just to Say
by Minden

I have eaten
the lettuce
that was in
the reusable grocery bag

and which
you were probably
saving
for dinner

Forgive me (meowwww)
it was delicious
so sweet
and so cold

Minden is the only member of Cheaty’s house who hasn’t vomited in the last few days — not even a hairball. It’s probably thanks to the lettuce.

CHEATY ANNOUNCEMENT!

The artists of Kids Deserve Art and I have submitted fabulous pieces to a very special auction, “To Haiti With Love.” Please go on and check the pieces and BID, and please TELL YOUR FRIENDS (facebook, email, etc.)! All the donations are going DIRECTLY to St. Joseph’s Family of Homes for Children in Haiti.

The auction closes on February 8th at midnight! So, go go go! And please spread the word.

Click HERE to go straight to all the KDA items!

Haley-O