T’WAS A TIME OF CHANGE. Last week, I wrote a little email…. I needed some help. I’ve been pretty mum about this, but, if you were to seriously stalk my tweets, you’d probably see that I’ve been having some anxiety lately. A lot of anxiety lately. Not “OMG OMG OMG WE’RE ALL GONNA DIEEEEE!” kind of anxiety, but a very physical kind characterized by heart palpitations and obsessive thinking. It’s been rough. And, of course, I blame THE CHAI, which, no, I haven’t been able to quit.

Until last week, that is. THE TIME OF CHANGE…, when I wrote a little email to Caroline Dupont.

Caroline always comes to my rescue. She’s a total EARTH ANGEL, the best healer I know, and rife with sage, practical advice — in person, as well as in her book Enlightened Eating (my eating bible), her meditation cds, and new DVD (which I JUST ordered and am so psyched about).

I wrote a very “determined” (as she put it) email, asking for a complete “regimen.” I wanted breakfast, lunch and dinner DICTATED to me, as well as when to exercise, do yoga, sleep and meditate. I was hoping that this regimen would help me replace old habits with new ones — the right ones.

Caroline didn’t want to give me a strict regimen, though, because she didn’t think it would work for me in the long run. She wanted me simply to start with a few changes. The main one being…

MY MORNING SMOOTHIE (click the link for the recipe).

I’m supposed to drink that thing every day, come hell or high water.

I’m also supposed to walk for 30 minutes 4 days a week, and practice 30 minutes of yoga the remaining three days a week.

I’m supposed to meditate daily. (And, omg, this has been surprisingly SO enlightening and healing. More on this later in the week.)

I’m supposed to go to bed between 9:30 and 10:30 every evening….COOOUUUUUGH!

So, I’ve been drinking my smoothie every morning. NO CHAI (bingo!). And I’ve been walking and meditating and practicing yoga. The only problem with the yoga is that a certain someone gets a little, ermm, creepy while I’m practicing (with my camera in hand, apparently)….

…He’s horribly sneaky and distracting while I’m practicing. But, I INTEGRATE it.

The other changes that I’ve — WE’VE (Josh and I) — made this weekend are MIRACULOUS and will have to wait ’til the next post to be revealed because, without any chai in my system, I’m a total zombie. ZOMBIE. And I can’t write anymore because it’s 9:15 — almost “bedtime” (heh, I wish).

On top of all the above advice (and so much more that I have yet to implement and share), Caroline gave me this gem of guidance that I know she’ll love for me to share:

Your principle spiritual practice right now is your kids. Soon enough they’ll be in school and you’ll have more time for uninterrupted yoga and meditation. Create activities with them…. When you take them to the park remind yourself to breathe and be…. To everything, there is a season.

I’ve really taken that advice to heart and have been LOVING the relief and peace of mind I get from getting down on the floor and really PAINTING and DRAWING again, with my children — ESPECIALLY when I’m not feeling “well”….

…one of my new favourite things…!

Many, MANY, thanks to Caroline Dupont.

Love…!

xo Haley-O

My eyes, THEY’RE BURNING. Not because I’ve been staring at my computer all day, because shockingly I have not, but, rather, because I worked out like nobody’s business in my living room today (and yesterday, and the day before). I walked every chance I got, ate relatively well, and burned and sculpted and kicked arse. I’ve been doing this hard-core for about a week now, and, for the most part, my energy’s way improved. But, I went a little overboard today and am sleeeeeepy, eyes are burrrrrrny. But, it’s quite possible that I’m sleeeeeeepy because all bets are OFF from now on as far as late-night snacking is concerned. No munchies to keep me awake, or to procrastinate with (there’s only twitter for that, now).

Why this new change? Why the many changes of late? Well, Cameron Frye of Ferris Beuller’s Day Off puts it perfectly:

I am not going to sit on my ass as the events that affect me unfold to determine the course of my life. I’m going to take a stand. I’m going to defend it. Right or wrong, I’m going to defend it.

Check it — the awesomely intense version:

“I’m going to take a stand.” Remember that? In the movie, Cameron repeats this over and over and over again. And, for some reason, this line has stuck with me ALL THESE YEARS. I’M GOING TO TAKE A STAND.

So, yeah, I am. “I am not going to sit on my ass as the events that affect me unfold.” I’m going to grab my addictions and excuses by the throat and throw them the heck out of my life. Because it’s time to take a stand and get my body, my energy, my peace of mind back — as much as I possibly can, that is, without going crazy.

I’m going to take a stand. I’m going to take a stand, man.

First thing’s first, I’m going to take back my time.

Even though I’ve never been organized in my whole entire life, I’m now officially ORGANIZED(ish).

FINALLY, I replaced that messy disheveled basket full of bills and fliers and school stuff and work stuff, which we’ve had on our wee kitchen desk for years now, with two beautiful file holders and some folders to match. So I now have a lovely place to put all my and Josh’s and the kids’ stuff. Because, I have learned, when you have two school(ish)-aged kids, my GOD, you cannot NOT be organized — even if the very CORE of your SOUL rejects organization! Also FINALLY, I’ve taken out my trusty BusyBodyBook — a complementary copy I received last summer — and I’m (did I mention finally?) putting it to good use.

So, I’m doing it. I’m taking a stand. I’m taking a stand, man, against ALL my freakin’ obstacles: my addictions, my disorganization, my laziness, fears, anxieties, all my waiting (FOR WHAT?) to make changes.

And, what do you know? EUREKA, I have time to workout. I have time to read. I have time to cook nice dinners (unfortunately I haven’t had time YET to blog about them). I’m not OVERWHELMED all the time by the loads of work and chimes of new emails every two seconds. EVERY TWO SECONDS….

I’m not the only one who’s benefiting, by all this, by the way….

Now that I’ve replaced that ratty kitchen basket with fancy folders, someone has a new bed….

(MARGE! is so unphotogenic. She really isn’t this creepy.)

And as soon as she leaves, someone else (who is much more photogenic) also has a new bed….

HENCE between my recent reunion with YOGA and my new-found commitment to organizing my life (and my family’s) after 35 years of flying flustered by the seat of my pants, I’m feeling pretty good — or maybe I’m just, like, bipolar or manic or something, which is totally possible, but whatevs ‘cuz it’s working for me right now.

One day at a time, I’m taking a stand. And I’m really tempted to quote Oprah here, but I won’t. Then again, I’m still as indecisive as ever (some things are unchangeable), so I think I will: Yes, I’m “living my best life.” Eek.

Btw, you can vote for my “LOL” HERE!

Off to bed. One day I’ll start getting to bed at a reasonable hour. Baby steps.

Yeah, my body’s telling me I shouldn’t be blogging or working whatsoever right now. But, as usual, I defy it. I’m sick. Feels as bad as swine flu, but it’s probably just a common cold — sore throat, fatigue, chills. Still, I have something to share, and I think it’s important because a lot of us are feeling anxious and tired and stressed out right now.

See, I’ve kind of had enough of fear, anxiety and stress lately. It’s, like, ENOUGH. The stress, guilt and anxiety of motherhood, work, work, work and work is just too much. And it’s not anybody’s fault but my own. Because, when I look at the whole picture, it is seriously ALL GOOD! It’s ME. ME. ME who needs to CHILL OUT.

Anyway, as you may know from prior posts, I don’t get a lot of sleep because it’s hard to sleep with a two-year-old ON TOP OF YOU. And this overtiredness, as my pregnancy-depression psychiatrist used to repeatedly remind me, is a recipe for major anxiety. INDEED, I’ve always been a big believer that the body is WISE and produces emotions like anxiety to tell us something needs to change.

Of course, there are definitely external factors involved, too. All the hype about the swine flu doesn’t help: MILLIONS TO BE INFECTED BY THE PLAGUE, the newspaper headlines read. Egad. Media. Buggers. Fear mongers. All this media hype is just a constant, anxious reminder to me that life is so damn fragile.

To vaccinate or not to vaccinate? Gahh! I was all set to vaccinate, and then my usually-pro-vaccination pediatrician said “HELL NO”! Gahh! (And I’m not allowed to research medical things on the internet…because I get anxious.)

My throat — it HURTS. This better not be THE PLAGUE.

BUT.

Yesterday I went to yoga class.

And it all went away.

The fog of fear and noise and guilt that I’ve been living under every day for months (I haven’t been to class in 4 months) miraculously lifted. And it’s possible I reached what might be termed BLISS.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not being hokey here, even though I’m all for hokey. I’m not saying I reached any kind of spiritual-nirvana-type bliss while standing on my head or bending backwards with one leg up, no. Just a kind of JOY. I did something for myself. I BREATHED. I stretched. I enjoyed. I laughed. I joked. A lot. I was SO excited to be there. And to think I’d been dreading it. To think I’d had to FORCE myself to get to that yoga class — didn’t think I had the time in my day, and didn’t think I could lie there or sit there or stretch or breathe without writhing in anxiety. But, it was so easy.

In the hour-and-forty-five-minute class, we did a full forty-five minutes of pranayama — or breathing exercises — which is intense after four months of NOTHING. And I felt relaxed, and lighter and stronger and tighter in the right places and looser in the right places than what feels like YEARS.

I’d been WONDERING how to increase my energy, and here was my answer loud and clear. I’d been WONDERING how to stop racing against time, and here was my answer. It may have taken an hour and forty five minutes from my day, but the “presence” it gave me lasted throughout the day and made me feel as if I had all the time in the world for everything.

It was a big epiphany realizing I could escape my anxiety, ground myself in the here and now, and feel so damn good, at ANY TIME, with just a little breathing or sitting quietly and — from now on, come hell or high water — a weekly yoga class.

“Are you anxious and lacking self confidence?”

Excuse me, appropriately-timed SPAM EMAIL, you talking to me? YOU tawkin’ to ME?

Apparently, so.

“Are you afraid that women may look down on you? Are you worried about your friends laughing at you in the locker room? Then [BlahBlah] penis enlargement pills is the solution for you.”

Maybe not. That’s okay. Anyway. That all caught my attention.

At this very moment, I am anxious and lacking self confidence. The BlahBlah Penis Enlargement Company couldn’t have put it better. And it’s okay that the entire world knows it.

See, I am so transparent. Sometimes I’m embarrassed about how much I put out there online and in real life, YES. But, then I remind myself that that’s what I’m here — as in ON THIS PLANET — to do. And then I remind myself that there are others who ALSO put themselves out there and do quite well….

(I’m actually a fan of Spencer Pratt, by the way. You love it.)

Certainly, we could all use a little more transparency in our lives — and there’s nothing like a good buzz word. TRANSPARENT. Which sounds remarkably like trans-parent. Hmmm, what to make of that?

By the way, I have a new tick: I say “certainly” all the time now. It’s a little worrisome.

And, no I’m not drunk.

Where was I? (As Rascal would say:) “Oh.”

At this very moment, I am anxious and LACKING IN SELF CONFIDENCE. But, seriously? Who the f*ck has so-called high self-esteem, or even normal self-esteem? What woman? Give me her contact info. We should toooodally have a CONVO.

Except my daughter.

My daughter has amazing, inspiring self-esteem. And, in recognizing the sorry state of my own self-esteem, I’d say she and her stellar self-esteem are in GOOD HANDS (look at that high parenting self-esteem, doncha knowww). Because I know all the red flags. I catch them in myself, like, every minute, and I take a deep breath and roll my shoulders back and say “f*ck it” and “I can do this.” Awareness, man. It’s the key to everything.

Yooooga.

Ujayiiiiii.

Also, at this very moment, like right NOW, I’m very very busy. In the middle of work CHAOS, actually. Too busy to be reflecting on my psychology, on my issssues. And it’s making me a weeeeeeee bit CARAZAY! (Did you notice? Tell me it’s not noticeable.)

So, FINALLY, I interrupt this blog to give you a little something to look at while you think about your self-esteem. What’s your self-esteem looking like lately? Are you HARD on yourself like I am? Or, are you someone I need to have a CONVO with….?

Here’s the something to look at:

I know, you’ve ALL seen this picture before. And you totally remember it. Heyyy, how could I use an old picture? I’m so bad. Such a bad blogger. La la la. I’m too busy to look for a cute new one.

Here’s something else for you, though – on optical ILLUSION:

Here’s the illusion (it’s très coo): if you stare at this photo of MARGE! long enough, you’ll start to see this:

I’m going to bed. Early. Someone needs sleep. Big time.

Love…

xo ahalywe0p

I forgot to tweet that I had a new blog post up yesterday. Did it matter? What would be the point? Is anyone counting? Anyone waiting?

I’m not posting a picture in this post. Does it matter? Does anyone notice? And I have a headache anyway – I woke up like this (not that I slept) – and I don’t think it’s going away anytime soon. And posting pictures can be a headache.

Thirty years from now will any of this matter?

Still, I backed up my blog yesterday. Not really sure if it worked – you never know ’til you try.

And I went to bed, and I woke up this morning (not that I slept), thinking the pressure I live with every day is just too damn much.

I’m supposed to be a perfect mother. Or at least a mediocre mother. My mediocre one day is someone else’s best. And my best another day is someone else’s mediocre. But, who’s comparing? Why?

I work like a dog. Not like my parents’ dogs. Like one of those wild dogs in the woods somewhere ferociously foraging for food for itself and its pups – in the woods, not with a canvas Paul Frank wallet under the armpit and overused credit card at the freaking expensive local grocery store.

I have to please everyone who crosses my path. It’s in my blood. And it wears me the hell down.

And eating well, and OMG exercising, and OMG quitting anything that MAY give you cancer. F*CK. This society of ours is so damn annoying sometimes.

I finished a book. It was stressful to read it because I didn’t have the time. And I didn’t have the time for my free facial last month.

And I should probably stop writing this blog post – even though it’s making me feel better – and run upstairs and tend to the kids. Their dad, sensitively knowing well that I need a break from the world, is playing with them. I love the sounds.

Now, don’t laugh. I have to fix things. I’m now reading this book: The Art of Extreme Self-Care, by Oprah’s favourite life coach Cheryl Richardson. Again, I’m not posting a picture.  I may get to it later if I feel (or nag myself that) a simple text link for the book isn’t enough. I love giving books I read the credit they deserve – because I have to please everyone who crosses my path, even if not physically, and to please my own self and its damn high standards. Why?

There’s no way I can do everything advised in the book. But even if I implement 1/3 of it – like learning to say “no,” like loving myself (as hokey as that sounds), like standing up for myself, like not answering every single email the second I get it – I’d be better off than I am at this moment.

I’ve already put the blackberry charger downstairs so it’s no longer charging, blinking with new mail, by my bedside.

Maybe it’s because of the book that I’m noticing how constantly I feel pressured. The kids, the house, the health of everyone, the jobs, the email, the friends, the internet social life, world peace, ending suffering, saving the environment. Constant pressure. Constant stress to do do do, and to be someone I might just not be.

I’m going to go to my daughter’s party now. In her room. Apparently she needs music and some kind of costume. She’s convinced herself she needs a Halloween bucket, too.

And then I’m going to go out and grab a Chai Latte. I may or may not do anything organized with the kids today. We’ll see.