Gorgeouses, I’ve been writing so much lately that the thought of writing this. next. word. is actually making me a little nauseous. But still. I’m dedicated, or something. And so I persevere and write through the nausea. Ahhhhh.

Still nauseous.

I think it might be the rain that’s making me nauseous actually. Or, more likely, my diet. My diet has gone to carp. And I think I gained five pounds back. BUT I finally did weigh myself this morning and saw that I lost a total of 8 pounds since I started my fitness challenges. Which means I’d probably lost about 18 pounds before Passover — when all that matzah flour effectively unleavened my willpower….

So we need a challenge. And we need one fast. Because David gave me another new set of yoga poses! And it was a disaster this morning.

I’m doing dropbacks now (with help, of course)! Here’s my gorj friend Miss Stan, my teacher David’s wife, demonstrating dropbacks when she was pregnant. And, in case you’re wondering, it was totally safe for her pregnancy because she was a pro at them before she became pregnant and just LOOK AT THEIR BABY (I rest my case):

Yes, I’m more obsessed with yoga than ever. It’s good that you noticed. And thanks, really, for indulging me. As a thank you, I give you a virtual mwwwwwwah and cottage pics from the long weekend!

The lake has defrosted….

Betty White demonstrated the utter brilliance that Malteses are known for and JUMPED IN the freshly defrosted water. It was so cold that she swam right back to shore, so I couldn’t get a good pic. But oy….

Oh, and dammit we lost our ball…!

But the shells we found made up for it….

And now….

CHALLENGE IS ON. Who’s with me? No sugar, no flour, no eating after dinner, awesome vigorous Ashtanga yoga practice daily.

I’ve got rice on the stove….

Steamed cauliflower and miso soup made….

Alice’s Tahini-Lemon dressing….

I’m all set. One week. NAY! TWO WEEKS: no sugar, no flour, no eating after dinner, daily awesome vigorous Ashtanga yoga. Are you doing a challenge with me? What are your challenge “rules” (for lack of better term)? LET’S DO IT! We’re BACK! TWO WEEKS.

Challenge ends: Friday, May the 14th. You in!?

Next week, we’ll talk sauerkraut and ardha baddha padma paschimottanasana. Bwah! LOOK AT THE TIME! I gotta get to bed! Tomorrow’s the Royal Wedding, and I’m getting up at 3am to live blog and tweet for Today’s Parent. So come visit me on twitter and over at my second home Celebrity Candy! The Monkey thiiiiiiiiiinks she’s waking up at 3am with me. She’ll NEVER do it. But we’ll see. I do have a pretty pink cupcake waiting for her (not me, blergh).

Love!

xo Haley-O

I never thought I’d post this. But it’s getting out of control. It’s Wednesday, so I reserve the right to stay as wordless as possible — i.e., this video speaks for itself. Checkit at your own risk, and don’t say I didn’t warn you. Here’s a preview photo so you know at least a little what you’re in for….

And, you know, don’t judge me or anything. If you need to judge someone, you can go ahead and judge my fab book club, since they came to my house and saw the girl-dog-on-boy-cat “action” and insisted I share it with you all, you know, for the sake of authenticity, and such. Oy, without further ado (enough stalling), I give you my freshly titled vlog, THE HUMP. Enjoy…? And may the force be with you….

That. Is my life.

So what do you think? My book club thinks Minden loves it when Betty MOUNTS him. But I know my kitty, and I think otherwise. Poor guy….

I guess he should consider himself lucky, though. Because he could end up like the Rascal’s cat (and several other of Rascal’s favourite stuffed animals)….

Love!
xo Haley-O

P.S. Did you notice my “S”s? My dentist has to file down the back of my new tooth because it’s a little crowded and I’m working HARD not to lisp all the time…. Good. Times.

P.P.S. We were spring cleaning at the time of the video. Hence the MESS.

P.P.P.S. And how about that surprise cameo by The Monkey! Always a diva, she’s starring as SNOW WHITE in her Theatre play today! Squee!

P.P.P.P.S. Have you checked out my Fit/Fab blog at Today’s Parent lately? I’m losing weight! A LOT of weight! Leave a comment about THE HUMP and then CLICKIT! …Thanks Gorgeouses!

P.P.P.P.P.S. Hee. Kidding.

I’m trying to write this blog post right now, but my husband’s going on and on about The Bachelor. He’s loves it (even if he won’t admit it). And he has more to say about it than I do. So I think he should start his own blog. In the meantime….

The Rascal thinks we own the cottage.

He refuses to accept that we’ve been going to my parents’ cottage all this time. But I guess it doesn’t matter. Especially since he’s been decorating….

It’s the solar system. But I didn’t need to tell you that. He taped it onto my parents’ his fridge himself!

…Right after his sister climbed onto a stool and taped her own masterpiece to her grandparents’ fridge. And when I say masterpiece, I mean masterpiece. Gorgeouses, we have a real artist on our hands (click to enlarge)!

Which one is your favourite? For me it’s a tie between the 6th in from the left and the 2nd in from the right (with the, you know, the hair!).

And the fridge isn’t the only thing she’s been decorating. She decorates EVERYTHING. THE WORLD IS HER CANVAS. My little Picasso is always at work creating worlds and decorating, umm, my stuff….

And her little brother’s one of her biggest fans….

Yes, there’s a lot of cuteness around here. But also a lot of tiredness. My little artists’ young minds — brimming with so many ideas, art, GENIUS — continue to create through the night. HAVOC.

I’m exhausted.

But they’ve promised not to wake me up tonight. And they’ll never keep it.

I’m really run down, Gorgeouses. And I’m hoping that returning to yoga tomorrow — after a long, forbidden holiday — and committing to my daily practice again no matter how little sleep I’m on, no matter how much I’m working, and no matter how cute and cozy my kids look in the morning, will help rejuvenate me. Tired.

Yoga is another thing on the long list of things I SHOULD do every day. But it’s also something I can count on. Something consistent and predictable and unchanging (for the most part) and just for me.

No decorations.

Just me.

Sleep?

Love!

xo Haley-O

OH! And check out how I’m doing on my fitness journey HERE!

Yes, my blog post about a curious white elephant and some news about my Today’s Parent Magazine After-Shot/Harley-Pasternak weight loss program will have to wait until tomorrow. Because the kids and I are doing this right now….

…Meanwhile Josh is out watching the Super Bowl with his buddies — and thinking he’s having a better time than we are.

Because Josh is cheering for the Steelers, we are cheering for the Packers. Well, actually, Josh is cheering for the white team, the Monkey and I are cheering for the green team, and the Rascal is cheering for the “yewwo” (yellow) team — and for himself as he whips a wee basketball around (not against the wall, Rascal, please!), and for the car in the commercial, and popcorn, and his organic gummy bears: “Yeahhhhh, popcohn! Go popcohn! Woohoo! Gummy beahs!” The Monkey’s simply yelling, “Touchdown! Touchdown! Touchdown! Mama, look!”

I’m not sure if the Super Bowl is age-appropriate for 3- and 5-year-olds, but I don’t really care. They’re very good at closing their eyes during the scary commercials, and they agreed with me that the Egg McMuffin (or whatever that was) didn’t look as delicious as the commercial made it seem.  So far so good.

They’ll go to bed after the half-time show. They’ll be tired from dancing to the Black-Eyed Peas….

Go PACKERS!

Elephant tomorrow (or Wednesday — I have a cold, blergh)!

Love!

xo Haley-O

P.S.: The kids are in bed and my throat hurts from cheering (with a cold), and I just responded to, like, 25 comments to the past two posts below. I love seeing your comments pour in like they used to (before Twitter and Facebook existed — and I’m not bitter). THANK YOU! I’ll try HARD to respond more quickly to your comments. I’d email you, but I’ve decided to accept the impossibility of keeping up with email. It’s sort of like keeping up with the Kardashians (or not), only not as sexy….

I never write about my marriage. It’s not because I’m not “allowed” to — Josh trusts me to make him look good at all times. I could even do like Russell Brand and post a photo of my confused spouse’s glorious morning face on twitter, and that would be okay (for Josh, but apparently not for Katy Perry). But I’m not as crazy as Russell (or, of course, as saucy). Indeed, if it were up to Josh, our kids’ faces would be all over this blog. I’m the one with the privacy issues.

Here’s the thing, though: Josh doesn’t care what I write about on this blog. And it has nothing to do with trust or privacy issues or how good or bad I make him look in the morning. The real reason is BECAUSE HE RARELY READS THIS BLOG. That’s right! My husband rarely reads my blog. Some might find that dysfunctional (and Josh would be fine with that). Others, like me, find it liberating, and fully functional — for EXPLOITATION.

Gorgeouses you are about to witness a cheaty blog SABOTAGE.

See, not only does Josh-O rarely read my blog, but he accused me of being a HOARDER the other day when we went to Costco (for the first time in 10 years, might I add). Apparently, I’m a hoarder because I want a kitty jungle gym in our living room. They had one for $45 dollars (which I’m told is a steal as far as kitty jungle gyms go). And when I saw it, I immediately had visions of our 14-year-old cat, MAAARGE, actually out of our closet.

So he went away on a business trip the other day, and THIS is what he’s coming home to….

A KITTY JUNGLE GYM! And guess who’s the first to know. Not him. But YOU. Because YOU read this blog. BWAH! I’m so evil. This is DELICIOUS!

Yes. I wanted it. I wanted it this jungle gym for MAAARGE and for Minden….

And for all those “mom bloggers” out there whose husbands don’t read every single gorgeous word they write on their blogs. OWN it, Ladies. EXPLOIT it, Ladies. Make him regret it. Make him see the error of his ways and how very incredibly smart you are. Take it back. RAWR!

Call me crazy. Call me hoarder. Call me crazy hoarder. I DON’T CARE. My husband is going to rue the day he called me hoarder. And he may start actually reading this blog for FEAR of future sabotages. Besides, my cats really needed a safe refuge from you-know-who….

Yes. The Rascal and I went to the neighbourhood pet store together to pick up the new jungle gym right after Josh left for his trip….

“Mama,” he said with his cheaty little smile and that cheaty little glint in his cheaty little eye. “Are we going to get da jungo gym foh da kitty cats?”

“Yes, honey. We’re going to the pet store now.”

“Dadda’s gonna HAAAATE it.”

He will. He’s going to hate it. But we love it. Love it. Love it. Love it.

So, Gorgeouses, do you think Josh is going to be throw me in the doghouse for this? For all of this?

Come to think of it, we could use a doghouse…. Maybe on the other side of the living room? Heh.

Wish me luck….

Love!

xo Haley-O

P.S.: Thanks, in advance, to Josh-O for being SUCH A GOOD SPORT! I love you! Also you are very handsome in the morning.

I don’t know if I have the energy to write this post. I’m writing tonight because I feel obligated. Yes. Because it’s almost been a week since I last blogged, and I refuse to let an entire week go by ever.

Some of you are rolling your eyes at me because you know how hard I can be on myself. But a little pressure isn’t a bad thing. And there’s nothing wrong with feeling obligated to keep up with your blog. If I didn’t feel any pressure — self-induced or not — I’d never get around to writing and this place would die a sad, lingering death.

The excuse: I’ve been working around the clock (I know, as usual). I just finished some massive articles, and I have two more articles due Wednesday. My writing muscle is a little overused right now. It needs a rest day. Maybe tomorrow….

Or maybe the next day….

Or the next day….

Or maybe it’s a good thing to spend your life writing, and to routinely exhaust that muscle. I love words. And there’s no shortage of reality TV to keep me laughing in the process: the new season of Jersey Shore (just airing now in Canada), The Bachelor, American Idol with JENNIFER LOPEZ and, of course, Bethenny Getting Married, which I finally scheduled on my PVR.

Yes, the not-so-secret to my success: Reality TV.

DON’T GO! It’s background noise, okay? I don’t actually care if Jersey Shore‘s Sammi and Ronny stay together or if the hot funeral director makes it to the end of The Bachelor, or if there is an end to The Bachelor at all this time…. Okay I do. (Also, I may or may not have a teeeeeny not-in-a-Clive-Owen-kind-of-way crush on The Situation.) But I couldn’t get through all this writing without some candeh. And these days it better be calorie- and chai-tea free reality TV….

Because…. I’m doing something MAJOR with Today’s Parent Magazine (both online and in June’s print issue). So you better be ready for it, Gorgeouses. I have to be as slim as possible, too, or this might be embarrassing. And that’s not being hard on myself.

So lots of sweaty ashtanga vinyasa yoga, and no CHAI…. And HAIRCUT and FACIAL and BABYSITTER. I need a BABYSITTER for the photoshoot and VIDEO. Did I mention VIDEO? Help.

Let’s not think too much about it yet, though, Gorgeouses — lest we start to freak right out….

To take our minds off it, I give you UNFLATTERING SNOW SHOEING PICS (to match last week’s Unflattering Skater Pics) from another weekend at my parents’ beautiful cottage. Checkit:

I love being on the frozen lake — in the middle of the frozen lake. At dusk. Who knew I would THRIVE being outdoors in that cold? It’s just everything is so VAST (I can breathe), alive, still, spinning. Maybe I was an explorer in a past life…. That jacket is still awful though.

Karate snowshoe mama. Hyuhh!

Betteh White…at dusk.

The Rascal in mini snowshoes — OY!

This blog is looking very Canadian lately, eh?

Love!

xo Haley-O

I wrote this post yesterday — Tuesday, December 21. But then my blog went haywire. Apparently we were “raided.” Raided. This is sooo because of the solstice/lunar eclipse. Because a) when on earth does that ever happen? and b) I’ve spent the past three days dealing with the IT guys at work, too — all of whom are flummoxed by the computer problems I’m having. I am cosmically clashing with technology. Anyway, read this now — before your computer poofs into stardust.

It’s the winter solstice, December 21, and there was a lunar eclipse last night, woahh! Double Rainbow! In celebration of this monumental event — when was the last time there was a concomitant lunar eclipse and winter solstice in your very own backyard? — I give you Random Mysterious Lunar 21.

1. At 3:43am last night, which was approximately smack-dab in the middle of the eclipse (2-5am), I bolted awake, looked at my clock as I always do when I wake up 45 times a night (thanks to a little boy who refused to sleep unless he was on top of me for three years), threw on my fuzzy pink slipper boots, a too-short black coat, and dashed out the back door with Betty White in tow. I was a little bit afraid of vampires and zombies, but I sucked it up. And this is what we saw alone together in the backyard in the starry black of night….

2. Betty White refused to look up at the moon no matter how frantically I snapped my fingers in the air so she’d tilt her head in the moon’s general direction and maybe lock eyes with it for a second and become enlightened. But no….

3. Minden also refused to become enlightened when I tilted his head to the sky…. But I still think he’s brilliant.

4. MAAARGE!

5. Josh came outside when I nudged him unapologetically awake, and he took this really creepy-awesome picture apparently while slipping in the snow….

6. Speaking of mysterious round things, check out BAKED APPLE. All you need to do is fill a cored apple (leave apple bottom in tact) with crushed walnuts, raisins, cinnamon and a drizzle of syrup, and place it in the oven covered with a little water on the bottom at 350°F for half an hour or so. I’ll post it in the kitch with more deets when I’m a little less lazy….

7. My wise friend/yoga buddy/brilliant macrobiotic counselor Alice would approve of my baked apple. I know because I just ate her surprisingly delicious “Intuition Stew,” which she was awesome enough to leave for me at the yoga shala today — verklempt. I feel so intuitive right now.

8. Alice asked me if the Monkey knew our Dreidel video may be shown to thousands of people. “Of course!” I said. “She couldn’t sleep the night before her teacher showed it to her Kindergarten class three times, and shrieked with utter glee, ‘I AM ON TVeeeee,’ and tilted her head inquisitively while asking, ‘Mama, why don’t you show my face? I want my face on there.’”

9. Justin Timberlake as a Cup o’ Soup. OMG. I can’t deal.

10. Just like her mama, the Monkey (already) loves boys. But apparently they’re not allowed in her room. Which brings us to our next mysterious round thing….

11. And other mysterious drawings…?

12. …among the many others that she taped onto her door. Never mind Bawbara — move over Debby Travis AND Martha Stewart!

13. Mysterious WRITINGS have also mysteriously popped up on her now-mysterious radiator…

14. …and on her now-mysterious dresser…

15. Please send eco-friendly children’s marker (and sticker) remover? Who’s the PR rep for that. We could do big things together here!

16. She’s talented, that Monkey…. Karen Kain and Mikhail Baryshnikov must also move over. Bring it on, So You Think You Can Dance! Bring. It. On.

17. One of my favourite parts of the Monkey’s dance show was definitely the bar work. That fifth position is tricky! (I also loved the part when another little dancer interrupted the teacher to whisper “I have a Zhu Zhu pet” in her ear.)

18. The Monkey’s brother’s favourite part was no doubt the candy-cane-Rice-Crispy-square-and-cupcake “pawdy” (trans. “party”)….

19. Mmm, food colouring. I was so proud.

20. I’m also so proud because (are you ready?) THE RASCAL IS FULLY TOILET TRAINED. Fully and FINALLY toilet trained. Turns out he had no idea that he could “hold it in.” I literally had to teach him how to “hold it in” — to do what moms would call kegels and what yogis would call bandhas. Yes, I taught my 3-year-old son kegels and bandhas, and he hasn’t had an accident since. Go Rascal!

21. I can’t keep up at all with my email. And I feel terrible about it because I rarely get around to responding to your comments. To fix this problem, I’ll be responding to all your comments in the comment section — unless I have something intensely personal to share with you.  (I’ll definitely email to say a special “hey” once in a while, though.) It’s going to be fun, Gorgeouses! So check back after you leave a comment, okay? Also, leave comments. You know, so we can test this out…. Oh, okay, what blogger doesn’t love comments?

Happy solstice! And congratulations to all of us for getting to the end of this post. Did you happen to see the eclipse? DISCUSS.

Love!

xo Haley-O

Did any of you check out the fabulous Neil Kramer’s Fifth Annual Christmalhijrahanukwanzaakah Online Holiday Concert? Well! It was a very big deal, and guess who showed up? Our very own CHEATY MONKEY (featuring special cameos by Betty White, the Rascal and, regrettably, my boob) singing everyone’s favourite Dreidel Song. CHECKIT:

I probably should have apologized in advance for the dirty dinner plates on the table. But see how the plates were scraped clean? It was some kind of mock macaroni dinner, if I remember correctly. Thanks to my trusty vita-mix blender (love!), the kids ate an entire broccoli stem each and didn’t know it.

“It has a lovely body with legs so short and thin.” That line cracks me up EVERY TIME she sings it.

It’s been 2 days since Neil’s big party, and Hanukkah’s only slipping further into the past, so I figure I better post our video here now. But DO go and check out so many of my friends. It’s a lot of fun!

Love!
xo Haley-O

Actually this blog is far from “regularly scheduled.” I write when the mood moves me. But this month has been certifiably insane. And I find myself. Depressed.

I’ll feel better tomorrow or the day after. It’s just hard. Between work and constantly-screaming children, I can’t relax. My body and mind are screaming over the children, “YOU NEED A BREAK! YOU NEED TO SLEEP! YOU NEED TO…PLAY AND I DON’T MEAN LEGO! You need a facial, massage, a vacation.” Somewhere warm like a deserted island. I can lie on a hammock and let the ocean rock me back and forth and back and forth and back and….

Right now the closest thing I have to a vacation is this….

She doesn’t demand much, our Betty White. Only to be let outside approximately every 6½ minutes, or any time I shift positions when I’m working on the couch. She owns it. Our backyard is her territory. She has balls and bones and probably old cat poop buried deep beneath the ground. Every 12½ minutes I let her in and wipe the black of digging off her face. Her beard.

I’d love to feel as joyful as Betty White. I watch her out my window. She scurries here and there and then just stops. Still. Listens. Espies. Stomps. Sees me. Comes running. Expects. Cookie.

She’s not the only one who loves the outdoors around here — especially when it’s snowing and below zero….

Snow angels! He can’t get enough of the snow. Which is totally how it should be when you’re 3 years old. Even as I watch his red little nose turn to purple and scrunch with the glee, I can’t even imagine.

Don’t worry, Gorgeouses. I’ll snap out of this. I get depressed. I don’t hide it well. This doesn’t mean I need to talk about it or go get help. Sometimes, in my case, depression’s okay. I’m like a big bear in the winter. I just want to cozy up on my favourite spot on the couch and be warm and still and…not tweet much.

It just so happens that all the beings I’m wholly responsible for 24/7 are the farthest thing from big bears in the winter. They’re more like those flippy little birds that stick around instead of flying south — the ones Betty White chases every 6½ minutes in the backyard. WHY NOT FLY TO FLORIDA? So I’m tired. And craving. A vacation. An island. A hammock. A good night’s sleep.

Good night, Gorgeouses.

Love!

xo Haley-O

Last night between fits of insomnia I dreamed of glitter and really long hair. I woke up to find the Rascal snoring and drooling on my back — wearing his new Maple Leafs jersey, clutching his new Maple Leafs hat in one dimply hand and his new Spiderman scooter in the other.

“Mama, your hair smells like gummy bears.” He’s right, unfortunately. This new shampoo is awful.

Stomp stomp stomp. The Monkey runs in to my bedroom carrying her new miniature Rapunzel doll, “Look, Mama! Her hair looks like a long stick on her head! [Giggle].” Good morning!

Hanukkah is here all right. While the first night’s gifts weren’t a total success (the Rascal’s Cars phone was too educational…). The second night’s gifts were so awesome the kids forgot about Christmas and Santa, Rudolf, elves, indoor trees adorned with pretty sparkly things….

But it wasn’t the hockey sweater and mini Rapunzel doll the kids loved…. It was the fabulous night out. I took the Monkey on a girls’ night out to see Tangled, and Josh-O took the Rascal to the Leafs game – via subway. Gorgeouses, ’twas the night my clinging-to-babyhood Rascal became a big boy….

New shirt — new attitude! (Not including the epic tantrum he threw this morning when he wanted to wear his favourite yellow sports jersey underneath his new Leafs jersey: “No, you can’t wear those two together, Rascal.” “Wahhh, I want Mama, Wahhhh!”) And yes we let him wear that Leafs jersey to bed AND to school. Hey, it’s preschool. No one cares.

Except the Monkey. Apparently she cares. A lot.

“Mama, I was on stage in front of thousands of people today,” she screamed when I picked her up from school today.

My child — my 5-year-old child — stood up on the gymnasium stage in front of the entire school to accept the School Character Award for “Consistent Demonstration of Empathy” today. Now who’s verklempt? Empathy. Empathy!

On our special night out, the Monkey and I had some much-needed time alone. She sat on my lap throughout the movie, got scared and wanted to leave as usual. But I urged her — just like in swim class — to push through her fear, and she did and she was illuminated like a thousand lanterns….

*Weep.* It’s…just so pretty.

I think I liked Tangled even more than most people because I thought Rapunzel was Reese Witherspoon the whole time. So throughout the movie, I was, like, “Wow, Reese Witherspoon can really sing.” Rapunzel was played by Mandy More, though. Who’s also quite agorjable and talented, but she’s not Reese Witherspoon.

Tonight we had our big Hanukkah party with all the cousins at It’sGrandma’s house. Latkes, dreydls, gelt, more presents (egad), the works. And I’m…. I’m beat, and I’m full. And I’m practically broke.

Oh, before you go, check this out! I’m honoured to be a Top 5 Finalist in two categories of the Canadian Weblog Awards — Life and Best Written.

I have to say, I’m really surprised. Thank you to whomever nominated me and to the jurors and the brillers Ms. Schmutzie (the Awards’ creator and organizer), and especially to all of you for being so Gorgeous.

Happy Hanukkah to those who are celebrating!

Love!
xo Haley-O

P.S.: Put on your dancing shoes and check out this now-viral Hanukkah video I posted at Today’s Parent yesterday if you haven’t already — it was featured on CNN today.