Team Grey!

I just popped an oat-bran bagel in the toaster oven — probably my last for a long time as I embark on, yes, another diet. Well, not really a diet, more like a way of life. It worked this morning when I enjoyed my oatmeal-and-almond-milk-with-syrup-raisins-walnuts-and-cinnamon breakfast and the resulting stable moods and unexhausted energy level for hours.

“You’re very quiet today,” my co-worker remarked as she passed by my desk this morning. It’s because I didn’t have that blasted morning Starbucks soy-no-water-tazo-chai latté that makes me bounce off the walls every morning. “You really know how to have a drink,” the barista told me the other day as my dreaded order rolled off my tongue dreamily, effortlessly. “I know,” I said, drooling and shaking. “I know.” Gimmemychai….

But this afternoon was a big fat FAIL when the Rascal BEGGED to go to a bookstore — with a Starbucks in it. Danger! DANGER! BEEEP! BEEEP! Moods plummeted. Patience erupted. I believe I may have even roared at one point when I noticed the dishes in the dishwasher were clean. Don’t worry, the kids were out of earshot….

Betty White (the dog) is looking at me with a “what’s wrong with you?” look on her face. I think it’s because I’m not only watching Skating with the Stars, but I’m PVR’ing it, too. And one of the judges actually just said, “you have a spiffy personality.” That same judge’s name is Dick Button. And, woah, it’s time to announce each judge’s score, and the host(ess) calls his name out unnaturally seriously: “Dick. Button.” Josh just asked me if this show is a “spoof.” No. Not a spoof.

I was also quiet at the office today because my beautiful MARRRGE is very sick.

The fact that she only weighs six pounds, and is losing weight as I type this, has nothing to do with Betty White, as I, in denial, suspected, and everything to do with something called hyperthyroidism. Apparently it’s very common in cats. But I WILL NOT send her to that radiation centre they recommended — where people in full radiation garb and Darth Vader masks give her food and scoop her poop for a whole week and just maybe pet her wee head with giant gloves. She’s almost 15 years old. That would KILL HER. Plus, I keep thinking of that guy who died on 24 of radiation poisoning while trying to save the world. Awful. And do I really want a potentially radioactive cat in my home? She’s creepy enough already.

I just have to keep her comfortable and happy. I don’t need to cure her with anything that glows in the dark and requires total isolation and (did I mention?) serious money, and the Darth Vader masks. Thankfully, I managed to find a less freaky therapy that’s a little high maintenance, but relatively comfortable for MARRRGE (3 R’s) and affordable.

Now, I’m going to send you off with something funny…. Maybe you had to be there to find this funny, but I’ll go for it anyway.

As you may know, the Rascal has a favourite stuffed animal that he calls Doggy. There’s the background.

So this morning the Monkey was brushing her hair (“it’s gold now, Mama!) and marveling at the freshly-brushed softness. “TOUCH IT TOUCH IT IT’S SO SOFT TOUCH IT!” she insisted. When she got to the Rascal, she bent her head down and said:

“TOUCH IT. JUST TOUCH IT! Touch it and you’ll forget about Doggy!”

O.M.G. funny!?! I think it’s brilliant. You had to be there?

If it’s not funny, it’s a lesson for shampoo advertisers everywhere:

“Hair so soft you’ll forget about your binky….” Do you love it? You heard it here first, Gorgeouses! Hee!

NO, Josh, this is not a fake show. Skating with the Stars is, sadly, FOR REAL!

One more thing before I go to bed. I’ve been writing nonstop articles over at Todaysparent.com — hence the shortage of posts here. It’s been crazy! Also, be sure to look out for my two-page personal (“humour”) article in the January issue of Today’s Parent Magazine! Eek!

Love!

xo Haley-O

LOVE. (Get well soon, Bret!)

Maybe my PVR didn’t record Celebrity Apprentice because it was recording MTV’s The City Aftershow and the finale of Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains at the same time. BEST SURVIVOR EVER, by the way.

LOVE. And, you’re right, Russell, all that matters is AMERICA loves you. Also Canada. You’ll always be the best player ever to me. Also Boston Rob.

SWOON.

While I’m at it, maybe I should just admit to you once and for all that I’m a huge Justin Bieber fan. Baybeh, baybeh, baybeh, ohhhh!

#TWIEBER, FTW! *Cough.*

Oh, come on, you know you love it. And I know I’m not the only one…. The other morning, the Monkey had something very important to whisper to me, wide-eyed:

Mama, a girl in Grade 3 told me there’s a chocolate factory? And it takes you to Hollywood! And to Justin BEAVER!

Awesome. Almost as awesome as this little gem:

Maybe after Space it’s Heaven, and after Heaven it’s a scary world where there are cow aliens.

I’m still amazed that she’s thinking about what’s after Space. I thought I was the only one who thought about stuff like that on a regular basis. Like, what’s beyond INFINITY? I mean, THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHING!?!?!

Before I send you away to contemplate that (let me know what you come up with), here’s an update on our new puppy! In case you haven’t heard, we’ve named her BETTY WHITE — not too far off from the Korean name “HINDUNG,” meaning “WHITE,” that she came to us with, right? It totally suits her. BETTY!

Check out the BLING….

So far Betty’s totally low maintenance, and she’s making us all really, really happy. Aside from a little de-worming incident — and I honestly don’t know what’s worthier of ewwww than a stunning combination of poop and worms — she’s utter perfection. She doesn’t even seem to need much training. The Monkey, on the other hand, does, ALAS….

Love!

xo Haley-O

*UPDATE*: Based on the comments, I think I should point out (didn’t think I had to because YOU all know my type by now — BRUTISH, HAIRY, MANLY — *cough,* CLIVE OWEN, *cough*). I don’t have the hots for Beiber (I could totally be his MOTHER). It’s all about the muuuuusic! Baybeh, baybeh, baybeh, ohhhhh!

I just drank a mug of vegan hot cocoa out of my “Heaven-Knows-It’s-Surely-True-That-Mothers-Need-a-Time-Out-Too” mug. Watching a little TMZ. Which may come as a surprise to some of you because, of course, I only watch CLASSY TV shows, like The Bachelor (did you see this season’s premier OMG — even *I* was embarrassed, it was so embarrassing), and my latest favourite, The Real Housewives of, well, all of them — Atlanta, Orange County, New York (in no particular order). NENE!!!

I love NeNe — partly because she hates brilliantly on a certain someone (KIM) whom I can’t stand because she smokes in her house, in her children’s faces.

I can TOTALLY understand if people can’t quit smoking — it took me YEARS to quit chai lattes (I’m still not out of the woods, but let’s pretend). But, I CAN’T understand knowingly exposing your young children to secondhand smoke. Seriously, WTF!? Who DOES that? Does anyone DO that? Anyway, don’t get me started on KIM. Where were we? Oh yes, LOVE NENE. But doesn’t EVERYONE?

I actually liked Anderson Cooper better when he was the host of The Mole — partly because I only watch classy TV, and not CNN. I prefer TMZ….

Where was I? Oh yes. I can do this.

I can write a blog post tonight, and I can get a good few hours of work done (egad) EVEN though I’m exhausted. Yes, exhausted. But, not whiny “WOE IS ME, MY KIDS DON’T SLEEP” exhausted. More like “DAY 15 OF JILLIAN MICHAELS’ HELL VIDEO,” as I like to call it. Level 2, baby. My feet are starting to hurt….

No, seriously, my feet are really hurting. Well, foot. It’s throbbing as we speak, Gorgeouses. I’m sure a good night’s sleep will help (but, ALAS, my kids still aren’t sleeping — WOE! is me). Yoga helps.

Oh GOD. I’m watching GLEE now, and Matthew Morrison is singing Bust A Move. OH! He’s dancing! And now he’s singing the THONG SONG — MOVE OVAH, Justin Timberlake. I’m telling you! And I am telling you!

In conclusion, I am in love with

Matthew Morrison….

and

Harvey Levin….

“I’m a lawyer!”

By the way, I’m also exhausted because the Monkey has a new imaginary friend, “Julia,” and Julia’s sleeping over tonight. Also, the Rascal’s been saying “f*ck” all the time, over and over again. Also, according to the Rascal’s nursery school “Feeling Table,” the words he likes to use are “hard” and “soft.” He needs to build on others, like “bumpy, scratchy, etc.”

LOVE! xo Haley-O

(By the way? Let’s pretend last night’s Russian Folk Dance routine never happened…. I know they’re trying to represent DAWNCE in all it’s forms. But, seriously, there ARE limits. Omigod with the red cheeks on Phillip Chbeeb! Anyway.)

(OmiGAWW! — and no wonder they were in the bottom three tonight!)

Beyond that, though, this show showcases the best of the best in choreography. So, you’re not just watching any old dancing. You’re watching masterpieces by MIA MICHAELS, TICE DIORIO, NAPPYTABS! And did I mention MIA MICHAELS?

This woman gets me every time. (I may even have a wee GIRL CRUSH on her!) Sometimes, she’s a little over the top — which is also why I love her (I can relate to being a little over the top). But, for the most part, she hits the mark every time and makes you fah-reaking THINK. Last night was simply BEYOND, though. Mia’s exploration of Addiction with dancers Kayla and Kupono was nothing less than BRILLERS. BRILLIANT. I think I must have watched this dance thirty times….

The quality of this vid, the timing, is not stellar. But, you get the picture. How many times did you watch it? And how ADORABLE is Kupono? And how magnificent is Kayla? And how amazing is Mia? Do me a favour and watch it at least twice — keep your eyes on Kayla the first time, and Kupono the second. And then maybe go back and watch it a third time. It’s BRIL-LIANT! As Tice Diorio (LOVE) put it perfectly, “I don’t feel like I watched a dance. I feel like I had an experience. And that’s — entertainment.”

I not only get chills when I watch this routine, but I cry. Because it HITS ME hard. I’ve been an addict my whole life — not only to substances (*COUGH* StarbucksGrandeSoyNoWaterTazoChai *COUGH*, among others, *COUGH*), but to behaviours, to work…. I KNOW and understand very well what Kayla, and MIA with her awesome vision, so perfectly and passionately portrayed. I loved it. This is way beyond reality TV. This is FINE ART.

Watch it, yo! And thank me later!

Love!

xo Haley-O

In the meantime, I want to tell you about my purchases this weekend.

And then I’ll usher you all over to Canada Moms Blog where I ponder the possibility of something like an “Existential Motherhood.” Oy. I don’t know why I always get so intense and stiff over there. Oh, well, I guess I kind of do know. It’s not my home quite yet. It’s too new. I need to, as my brillers yoga teacher so perfectly says about yoga practice, orientate myself in the room before I can really let go. Am I making sense? Tired. Very tired.

Anyway, last week, I started thinking about balance, and how I could really use some. New Job is exciting and fast-paced and busy (LOVE!), and then there’s my freelance writing job (which is going so sloooowwwly), Kids Deserve art, and my yoga teaching, and the blogs, and, oh yeah, THE KIDS…, and Anon….

I’ve been finding myself a little anxious and overwhelmed and sucked in lately. I go to sleep and my mind is RACING. So, on Saturday, I decided to take a trip up to the Pickering Village (Josh had to go to Pickering to visit a friend; I tagged along) and check out a New Age shop. I wanted something to ground me and help me make smoother, more relaxed transitions from job to job to person to person…….

By the way? I’m watching The Hills right now, and I have to say: “Let’s totally go to Hawaii. Like, why not? Let’s just hop on a plane and go to Hawaii!” I LOVE how they say that like it’s NO BIG DEAL. EVEN when I was that age, it was never NO BIG DEAL for me to go to Hawaii. Just saying. The Hills is just so realistic sometimes it blows me away. But I digress.

…And how many girls on The Hills has Brody Jenner slept with???

ANYWAY….

It’s no surprise, really, since he’s (to borrow his own words) “for one hundred per cent fact” HOTT….

AS I WAS SAYING….

I was so pleasantly surprised when Rascal and I got to the little plaza on Old Kingston Street. (Monkey stayed with her daddy — daddy’s girl that she is.) It was BEAUTIFUL, quaint and so quiet. Rascal and I were, like, the ONLY people in the courtyard. This courtyard….

Photo, with thanks, c/o Mandy No Good.

Imagine me and a teeny blond toddler (10th percentile, Baby!) walking ALONE in this courtyard. I was totally transported into another time and place. Bliss!

On the other side of the courtyard, was this AMAZING new age bookstore….

See it? With the blue sign? It’s called Odyssey Books and Resource Centre. (And, NO, this is not a paid advertisement. With all the talk about carpetbagging mombloggers, everyone’s paranoid! Even those of us who WOULD NEVER! — paranoid.)

AS I WAS SAYING, this store was full of spiritual goodies from candles to stones, fairies, FAIRIES, angels, jewelery, books, traditional native crafts, and everything else you can imagine…. Check how FAB….

Stuff, stuff, STUFF! I love it! Okay, I realize most of you get more excited about cosmetic stores, or Target, or Prada or Gucci or Lululemon, etc., etc.. For me? I LOVE a good New Age bookstore. Can you SMELL the incense? Ahhhh. So relaxing. ACHOO! I just love to look at all the creative baubles and yoga books and stones and candles and nicknacks — and to just BELIEVE a little in my busy busy life that there is, indeed, SOMETHING MORE to life…. It’s all about the experience.

So, since this post getting long and I have an hour left of work to do tonight, here’s what I bought.

For ME….

I got the chakra necklace (not the bracelet), WHICH I’m wearing all the time now. I’ll have to take a picture of it ON ME; it’s a lot subtler than it looks…. I think it’s très GORJ and IT GROUNDS ME. Even if it doesn’t really work — it MIGHT work, and that alone makes it worth it.

I also got this Bach elm flower remedy (NOT A PAID AD)….

The woman behind the counter said I should put two drops of it on my tongue when I get anxious or overwhelmed as I move from one task to another.

For Anon, I bought a blue sodalite stone that has “Health” engraved on it…. And I bought the Monkey a clear quartz crystal with a sea turtle engraved in it — she loves a good sea turtle. This stone is, like, her FAVOURITE thing EVER now….

I didn’t buy Rascal anything because the experience itself was priceless for him — besides, he really only likes his sister’s stuff…. He had the best time playing with the stones, crystals, chimes, books. I’d give him one stone, and he’d be like “neh. neh. neh,” then I’d try another and, “neh. neh,” and finally another, which he’d take eagerly and hold for dear life in his sweaty little hands until he was done with it…..

We had a great time. A mini-vacation in my hectic, busy life. That, and the sweet little gifties I bought for myself and others, were exactly what I needed to get some sense of balance….

And, now, because you know you want EVEN MO MO MO, check my latest (sort-of related) post at Canada Moms Blog: EXISTENTIAL MOTHERHOOD?. I know, intense again, stiff…. Hope you like it anyway!