`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe….

–Lewis Carroll, “Jabberwocky,” 1872

I always imagined the reader of Carroll’s “Jabberwocky” having a lisp. But I never imagined I would ever have one…. After yesterday’s meeting with the dentist — the fifth one in the past month — it seems I may, indeed, be sporting a lisp in addition to the likely-imperfect temporary denture I’ll pop in immediately after they extract my top front tooth NEXT THURSDAY.

We had a long talk yesterday, the dentist and I. He had a whole speech prepared for me — for me, who is what he called “sensitive.” He wanted to prepare me for the reality of what’s to come this year. For it will, indeed, be a year before I have a permanent tooth in place and, we hope, a celebrity-perfect smile.

Thank God, I remind myself: not an eye, a leg, a breast. Just a tooth. Just a tooth. Just a top front tooth. There’s humour in that. There’s humour in that. Hahahahaha! So FUNNY!!!

And he put that speech in writing for me to take home and pin on my wall when things…ARE BAD. Like the lisp. (I may have a LISP for a few months.) Like a “concavity” I may develop just above the gum line. (I may have a gory smile for a few months.) Like the raised gum line on four front teeth that I’ll have for six weeks. (I may have a GORY smile for a six weeks.) Plastic surgery, baby. That’s what this is, and how very Real Housewives of Orange County of me.

I am thoooo trendy. Brillig.

It all goes down next Thursday. A test of vanity, ’tis.

BRING. IT. ON.

I may even do a party trick or two at Blogher….

Don’t let me drink.

The good news is I’ll have something to wear at night — INVISALIGN *cough* — so I won’t actually have to go to sleep toothless. Phew…..

The good news is, too, that I’m not the only GORJ CELEBRITY (heh, self-esteem in progress) who’s missing a front tooth (well, will be as of Thursday…). DEMI MOORE LOST HER FRONT TOOTH LAST YEAR AND POSTED PHOTOS ON TWITTER! Here’s the thread (via Celebitchy):

Haha @charwils65 I personally thought this look went out after you were 8 didn’t know I would be rocking it again!

Thanks @sugarhigh77 was happy to share and always appreciate the opportunity to find humilty!!! Or at least be able to laugh at myself!

Haha @questionoflife are you a dentist? No implant but thank god for modern dentistry!

That means alot coming from you thx for the love HS! RT @hotstewart Gurrrrrl!!! Own that gap in your teeth! OWN IT GURRRRL!! HOT!

lol RT @panina: @mrskutcher i bet that u’ll be the guest star in the new sequel of “LOST ” (MY TOOTH) ))

Needless to say, I’m her new biggest fan. And I may just tape these pictures on my bathroom mirror, for those dark times this coming year, when I’m cleaning my denture….

Now all I need is a pair of those sunglasses…. And a good thpeech therapitht.

LOVE!

xo Haley-O

I have NEVER been so happy to be at the doctor’s office.

Know why? Because I haven’t been in a year. And, Gorgeouses? I have never felt better….

I walk toward the dreaded building and am STOPPED right outside the door: “you’ve changed!” It’s the receptionist on her butt break. “Thank you!” I say, assuming I HAD to look better than I did this time last year (right after I gave birth to Rascal). “Yes, you look great. Before you were, umm, big!” Yes yes yes! I have lost weight. A LOT OF WEIGHT.

Grinning ear to ear, I walk into the office. “You look familiar,” says another one of the receptionists. “Hmm,” I offer, “maybe my sister was in recently.” “Yes yes,” she agrees, “but, no! That’s not it. It’s — you look exactly like Michelle Trachtenberg! You know, from Gossip Girls, and Buffy’s sister in Buffy the Vampire Slayer. And, would you look at that–,” she shows me a file, “I took out the wrong file for you. I took out a file for a ‘MICHELLE’!!”

I love her….

And, I love that I look like Michelle Trachtenberg again….

…Ish…. She IS 11 years younger than me, and wearing a TON more makeup (and possible airbrush) than me in that picture….

Sorry for the grainy pic of me, Gorgeouses — my camera’s packed for NYC, so I had to use my macbook Photo Booth. But, thank you, Photo Booth, for making me look tanned! Alas, I AM, indeed, as white as Michelle…. Anyway, evs, I’m THUPER flattered to be told, once again, that I have a GORJ celebrity twin…. I’ll never tire of it!

I still have 15 pounds to go. But the weight is FALLING off now that I’ve stopped breastfeeding and gone vegan.

Seriously, Gorgeouses, want to lose weight? VEGAN. You CAN’T EAT ANYTHING. It’s no-fail! GO VEGAN!

After the doctor’s appointment, though…, I went to the dressmaker to pick up my bridesmaid dress for this weekend’s big wedding. I’ve lost a ton of weight, but the shape of dress could make MICHELLE TRACHTENBERG look huge. I do NOT have a big butt anymore. But this makes me look like BABY-GOT-BACK! And, not in a good way…. Not to mention the fact that dressmaker FROM HELL (but the only one who would do the job in 10 days) TOTALLY effed up the pleating (yes, I said pleating)…. Oh well, SIGHHHH, I’ll make it work. By the way, it’s not the bride’s fault I’m in this predicament. I chose the dress. Only I was 50 pounds heavier at the time!!! So making it look right has been quite a feat!

Off to NYC! I promise, I’ll take LOADS of pics.

LOVE!

xo Haley-O

P.S. HUGE SHOUT-OUT to my cousin MILES FABER who danced an AWESOME contemporary routine on So You Think You Can Dance Canada. I could NOT have been prouder. YAY for the choreographer who put THAT JUDGE in her place. Wait ’till you see it, Gorgeouses: choreographer-against-judge DRAMA about MILES. Take it from me — I’ve been a dancer for 30 years — Miles was FANTASTIC. CONGRATULATIONS, Miles! You were AMAZING. LOVE YOU! xoxo