After last week’s text-heavy blog posts, the weekend’s fairs and birthday parties and long walks with SUDDENLY-STUBBORN 2-year-old, I’m a little burnt out. And I’m going to LISTEN to my burn-out this time and HONOUR it by making YOU do the work today.

See, just like Chef Gustave says in Ratatouille — “ANYONE can COOK,” which I don’t entirely believe, by the way — ANYONE can BLOG!

So, checkit. I got to take a walk through the Monkey’s Kindergarten class today, and I nearly FELL OVER when I saw this painting she made and the caption under it….

Now for the caption she gave it:

My Brother Playing in the Garden.

Bwah! Her brother playing in the garden? How sweet of her to think of him when she’s at school. But, ummmm….

Okay, now it’s your turn. As BLOGGERS par excellence, YOU are going to make me a more fitting caption for this painting. K?

Ready, set, CAPTION ME!

I could totally write a sappy post right now — since I’ve been known to hazard them a little lately, AS I struggle over and over again to find my identity both on- and offline. Who the hell am I supposed to be? What do the PEOPLE want? And is that what I want? Who, me? Who?

And this was NOT what I meant to write about today….

So, I’ll just write from the heart, and give you whatever comes from this way-overtired brain tonight. And when I say way overtired, I mean WAY overtired. Overtired enough this week to…

a) buy the same book for myself twice in FOUR DAYS.

b) walk out of TOYS R US with unpaid MERCH under my armpit (of course, I ran back and paid for it).

c) and WHO STOLE MY BAGEL?

Rascal. The Rascal stole my bagel. He’s TWO going on BAGEL THIEF.

He’s 2 as of tomorrow, that is, WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 23 — on the CUSP of Virgo. Yes, he escaped Total Virgo by a thread (a special, lovely, golden thread, with magical powerses). Two years old. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LITTLE MAN, and your tenth percentile, and your BIG OLE ZIT on your cheek that I’m hoping to GOD isn’t chicken pox because I’m way overtired. Overtired enough to…

a) let my overtired daughter stay up AGAIN to watch So You Think You Can Dance Canada, which, by the way, is AWESOME.

b) attempt to put a shoe on Rascal’s HAND instead of his foot.

c) ask a mother at Monkey’s new school first-and-foremost if there was good PARKING at her daughter’s dance school.

d) mouth “HELP ME” to the cat. This cat:

Wait. That’s a pygmy goat. Bygones. And he’s eating my stroller. No wonder my stroller SUCKS lately….

Yes, Rascal is 2 years old. Amazing. And, lucky for you, I’m too tired to get sappy. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow I’ll tell you how precious he is with his toothy, ear-to-ear smile with scrunched-up nose, his fluorescent blond hair, his massive blue eyes, and that belly button — “BUTCH, Mama, BUTCH” — that he loves to fondle, and the “CH” sound with which he finishes ALMOST every word he utters, and his still-doughy legs and bubble butt. Just? Love….

Maybe tomorrow I’ll tell you about Monkey’s first days of kindergarten and how she clings to me some days wanting no school but “MAMA,” but then comes home elated and proud of herself and HYPER and horribly, terribly naughty…, and how almost every other girl in her class is BLOND-HAIRED and BLUE-EYED, and how I’m not sure how I feel about that….

Maybe tomorrow I’ll tell you how short Monkey’s hair is thanks to a certain children’s hair salon that specializes in THE IGOR….

And, how Josh-O was furious that I did that to OUR DAUGHTER, and how SHE LOVES IT. HOW I (me) LOVE IT….

…and kitties.

They’re growing up so fast….

Love! I’m too overtired to go to bed. Maybe will tweet for a bit….

xo Haley-O

Make it stop! Gorgeouses, make it STOP! I can’t. I can’t stop procrastinating. I have SO much work to do this evening, and am EXHAUSTED. I’m exhausted because I had SO much work to do LAST NIGHT. And I procrastinated the evening away DAMN YOU TWITTER CRACK HATE until there was no other choice but to work until 2am.

Granted, it didn’t help that I had to rewrite my ENTIRE Canada Moms Blog post because Typepad crashed DAMMIT CRACK, I MEAN CRASH and I had to get it all out before it left my tired brain forEVAH.

Sigh. And here we go again. But, I’m even MORE tired than I was when I was procrastinating LAST night. But, that’s neither here nor there (whatever that means).

In the meantime, I figured out what the deal is with my Canada Moms Blog posts. Like, why I have such trouble loosening up there. Obviously, it’s not yet MY HOME. And it takes time to find your voice in a blog of MANY voices. I mean, no wonder…. But, there’s one more thing. PICTURES. No PICTURES. Writing with no pictures feels more like ESSAY writing than BLOGGING. We’re only supposed to have one picture there. So, I sit down, find my picture, and I WRITE MY ESSAY. GAH!

Gorgeouses. I FIGURED IT OUT. I need to get used to blogging sans PICTURES. Call me PAUL WILLIAMS — mystery solved!

So, go read my words  at Canada Moms Blog while I wait here for you procrastinating on twitter. And please cut me some slack there for a while. No pictures! I’m like a child. I NEED PICTURES. Otherwise, I’m fighting tooth and nail with my old academic self NOT to write formal ESSAY. She and I are STILL fighting. Don’t worry, I’m winning. I need to write a few more essays blog posts there, and we should be in the clear. It’s all good, though — I love a good challenge.

As for right here right now? PICTURES! Check it:

1) As promised…, SPARKLERS from Victoria Day. And that’s some scary sh*t — Cheaty does NOT recommend….

2. Minden on my COMPUTER bag…. Suck-age.

3. Now, look out the window. To the right. Here — here’s a closeup….

4. It’s HOWARD!

HOWARD STERN…, i.e…:

Yes, I’ve named my new pet squirrel “Howard Stern” after Howard Stern. Because, well, it’sgrandma and I LOVE HIM. And I’m determined to get Howard to tweet me back one of these days. HEAR THAT, HOWARD?….

I’ll keep you posted on how that’s going, ‘course. Anyway, Howard Stern the squirrel (aka “Howie”) is totally STALKING ME, as you saw THROUGH MY WINDOW….

5. …which makes things a little, erm, awkard at dinner lately….

6. And if you think this kid actually sits this nicely at dinner, you have another thing coming….

That’s more like it. Ugh. SIT. DOWN.

7. There are no pictures of me here, of course, because I was pissed off all day. I taught yoga to two preschool classes and worked like a dog whenever I got a spare minute (“minute” being the operative word here)…. But, this is what made me feel better. VIEW FROM MY EYES AFTER DINNER WHEN JOSH-O GOT HOME AND RELEASED ME FROM GRIPS OF CHILDREN:

It’s not the ocean, or mountains or waterfalls. Just a tree near my backyard. I love it. Love trees. Love the way they reach up to the skies and ground down into the earth…. And, ahhh, I can breathe again.

Back to work.

Love….

xo Haley-O

I looked everywhere. I couldn’t find the picture of IGOR that I needed and KNOW is out there somewhere. You know? The one with the BANGS. So, I went out and got Rascal the IGOR haircut so I could take a picture of it for the blog and show you all THE IGOR….

I’m KIDDING, of course. That would be REALLY cruel of me – exploiting my kid like that for the sake of The Blog. I worry about that sometimes. I thought about quitting this blog because I didn’t want to even-a-little-bit-maybe “exploit” my kids. (CHILL OUT, CHEATY – I know…, am SO INTENSE). But, then, whenever I tell people that I worry that there may be a stitch of exploitation involved in “mommy blogging,” everyone’s like “WHA?” So, I talked to the Rabbi at Erna’s wedding in Bermuda. I figured she’d know. She told me I’d better keep on blogging and that I was in no way exploiting my kids. And so I quit. For three weeks. Sort of.

You know I have anxiety issues, right? RIGHT?

Anyway. When we went to the hairdresser’s this afternoon to get Rascal a MUCH-NEEDED haircut, we did NOT ask for this….

Which is actually not The Igor (as I’ve learned in doing this research) but the Jim-Carrey-Dumb-and-Dumber haircut….

I did NOT go to the hairdresser (and YOU KNOW THE ONE, Toronto Moms and Dads…) with THIS in my pocket….

Or, this – not Igor, it turns out, but THE MONSTER in Frankenstein himself – which rang especially true at around 4pm this afternoon, when Rascal was little cranky post nap….

But, that’s the haircut we got. Alas. And when I got home, would you believe I had to cut a stray lock so that it would be IN LINE with the rest of the bangs…. Sigh….

Gorgeouses, look who’s missed you….

He’s been waiting for you to come home for the past 3 weeks (sort of)….

Welcome back!

Love!
xo Haley-O

Not going to say it. Since the ear infections went away, a certain somebody has been STTN. You know what that means, right? I just can’t say it because I’ll jinx it and it’ll all be OVER. Happens every time. Okay, sleepingthroughthenight. He’s been SLEEPINGTHROUGHTHENIGHT. Shhhhhhh! It’s been about four nights, and he’s even waking up in the morning withoutscreaming! Which is so sweet — I may even start remembering my dreams again….

Only 17.5 months and he’s sleepingthroughthenight. ONLY! I know, I am SO LUCKY! Okay now I’m getting cocky…. Heh. Pray for me….

In the meantime, I AM TIRED (just when you thought you’d heard the end of that). It’s just that today was daylight savings. Which means the 9:45am yoga class I teach every Sunday was, in fact, at 8:45am. And the 10:30am class I teach right after it was actually at 9:30am…. Since Monkey was WITH COLD today, I thought Josh-O could take Rascal out and I’d relax with her at home the rest of the day and recover. I had this lovely little fantasy of her lying on the couch in front of the TV– perhaps falling asleep — Pablo, Thomas the Train and Iggle Piggle in her arms, as usual.

Alas, there was NO relaxing. The Monkey insisted that I play with her the ENTIRE DAY, except for the half hour I got when she was preoccupied with her Mood Mudd (LOVE)….

While Josh went to the mall and hung out with his friends and Rascal, Monkey and I did three puzzles, practiced our skipping (after her dance teacher pulled us aside and told us to work on it with her…; and, yes, I take that very seriously — 5, 6, 7, 8! MOVE IT, MONKEY!), practiced our handwriting…

…made this bird….

Josh-O got home at 5:30, just in time for the dinner Monkey and I prepared together….

It was a long day of PLAYING. At certain parts, I wanted to cry a little bit. I LOVE being with my Monkey, don’t get me wrong for a second — she’s my sidekick, my little love, my best friend (yes, she’s turning into a very mature little girl before my eyes)! But, I didn’t have the energy for this all day. I needed to sit. I mean, after how many hours? Seriously. I don’t know WHO can PLAY all day long without going at least a little bit crazy.

It was SO worth it, though. Monkey and I needed the time alone together. She felt special having me all to herself. And SHE HAD A GREAT DAY. There’s really very little that’s more rewarding than giving your child a great day….

And, now, I give you the latest addition to our family….

Her name is Hyacinth. And she just happens to be pictured here RIGHT next to the Bermuda postcard ERNA sent me in anticipation of her wedding…. Did I mention I’M GOING THERE? ALONE in less than 3 weeks (ooo, better get that DIET going)!

Oh, and one more thing one more thing! NEWS! I’m a contributor at the new CANADA MOMS BLOG. This is TRÈS cool, Gorgeouses. I am so honoured to be a part of it. You have to go to the site to see what it’s all about. Keep in mind, though, that it’s still really new — still technically “under construction.” I’ll be posting there a couple times a month about stuff that matters to me as a Canadian mom. In this first post, I talk about my evening out at The Ballet with it’sgrandma last Thursday — check it!

Love!
xo Haley-O

P.S.: Cheaty has a movie recommendation. She’s not particularly proud of this recommendation, but…check it?

P.P.S.: Toronto Gorgeouses: Check Goodies for Disney on Ice’s March Break production at the Rogers Centre. There’s a discount code there waiting for you! MWAH!

In the almost-three years that I’ve been blogging, I’ve never talked about the search strings that bring people to this website. And I don’t plan to now. I mean, because, really, it’s not that exciting. Unless you have a monkey fetish. Every search string is monkey this, monkey that, and the odd Justin Timberlake’s penis. I don’t even bother to look at the search strings, really, because nothing surprises me anymore. The one thing, though, that blows my mind is the amount of visits I get to THIS post: “Thursday Thirteen: Worst Celebrity Feet,” from July 6, 2007, when I was preggers with Rascal….

Seriously, about half the people coming to my site are coming for THAT post. While the most recent comments on the post are pretty sweet — in the sense that some people are REALLY passionate about feet, for better or for worse — the emails I get about this post are a pretty consistent source of amusement for me. Especially, this one guy? Who remarked that I never show my feet on this blog (which, I can now dispute, is not true [check the last pic in that post -- MY FEET]), and WHY don’t I show my feet on this blog, and would I like to IM with him? That’s just one, pretty standard, example.

So, there you have it. “Cheaty Monkey — Home of the Foot Fetishists.” And, I couldn’t be prouder.

AND, why am I telling you this today, when it’s been going on for over a year? Because you cannot possibly want to hear more about my Rascal troubles. You can’t possibly want to hear how it’sgrandma had to drop him off with me when I was teaching yoga today. You can’t possibly want to hear that he cried the whole time, and that I was actually subbing for an AEROBICS instructor, and that the women there did NOT want to do yoga…. You can’t possibly want to hear how Rascal kept me up all night by head-butting and body-slamming me. You can’t possibly want to see his favourite bath toy, which is now my favourite bath toy because it makes him happy….

You can’t possibly want to see what I had to do to bake muffins this evening….

I’m actually attempting to show you that I’m rolling my eyes, and not staring awkwardly at the ceiling. And it was the only picture that really turned out. And I REALLY regret that you all have to see me in my dad’s all-season fishing shirt….

Yeah, you can’t possibly want to hear that I had to put my 16-month-old toddler IN A SLING so I could BAKE MUFFINS in my own kitchen. Nor could you possibly want to see a picture of said muffins….

I’ll post them up at the Kitch this weekend, only because you can’t possibly want the recipe….

And then there’s the snow….

You can’t possibly want to know how long it took Josh-O to shovel all that….

And, by the way? SOMEONE’S been eating my FLOWERS….

Love!
xo Haley-O

First thing’s first…. HUH? I mean, what the…? Who? How? ME? Are you SERIOUS? Are they SERIOUS? I DEMAND A RECOUNT!

Gorgeouses! I am one of five finalists up for a BLOGGIE award for BEST CANADIAN BLOG! This may be the shock of the century. For everyone….

I should be acting a little more confident. Like, “Heyyy everyone, I’m nominated for a Bloggie award. no biggie. go vote, yo.” But, this is a blog. And, I do try to be as transparent as possible here and in real life. So, Gorgeouses, BEAUTIFUL GORGEOUSES, I’m totally FREAKED out by this! Amazed! Shocked. Still shaking. Is that too much? Are you getting a little turned off? Sorry. It’s just that I’m writing this AND I’m watching LOST — like, at the same time — and so I’m half freaked out about the Bloggies and I’m half freaked out about LOST and the time-traveling and Ben’s creepy eyes (LOVE) and Sawyer’s new pudge (which would be fine and cute, except that, like, when do they EAT on that island?).

Anyway, check it….

Weeee! Look at me! I am in GOOD company. These bloggers are so talented. It is BEYOND an honour to be a finalist among them. If you decide to vote for me, THANK YOU!

Thank you to all who nominated me! I really had NO IDEA!

Oh, blerg. I just lost the second half of my post. So, forgives if this next bit seems rushed. I just really have to pass out from all this excitement…. Let’s see if I can write it again…. Grrr….

I’m loving lists this week, so here’s a list of things I’m doing to stick to my caffeine- and sugar-free 21-day cleanse and maybe even enjoy it. CHECK IT:

1. ORANGE JUICE. I know, orange juice is usually a diet no-no because it’s PRACTICALLY sugar. But, PRACTICALLY is the operative word here. Since it’s not ACTUALLY sugar, I can drink it. I have a little in the morning, and it completely curbs my chai latte cravings (of course, that is even more of a miracle than me being a bloggie finalist)….

2. DESSERT SMOOTHIE. I’ve been having my smoothies in the evening now because they totally cut my nighttime cravings. I blend up some rice milk, hemp protein powder, spinach (I KNOW, yum), frozen blueberries, frozen banana, my omega 3 oil potion, and sometimes some acai berry puree. I know, it’s probably a lot of calories in the evening. But, it’s better than eating a ramekin of almond butter and vegan chocolate syrup (did I just say that? I did. I embarrass myself)….

Seriously? I think someone stole me and replaced me with a health nut…. WTF?

And, speaking of nuts….

3. NUTS. I love nuts. (Get thine head out of the gutter!) When mid-afternoon hunger hits, who really needs that Snickers bar when you can just have NUTS. Cashews are my fave…. A small handful is all you need. Maybe have a fruit with them. They’re very grounding…. Ohhhmmm.

4. NEVER GO HUNGRY. Basically, eat whenever you’re hungry. And, since there’s really nothing you can eat — I mean, what DOESN’T have sugar, caffeine, meat, eggs or dairy in it — you’ll start to find that mandarin oranges and red delicious apples taste really freaking yummy. I think they call it re-training your taste buds. I’m totally doing that right now. It rawks. Anyway, whenever you get hungry, grab a wholefood. I forget who said this, but “hunger is the best seasoning.”

5. TAKE IT EASY. I’d love to add 30 minutes of exercise a day to this cleanse, but I decided it was too much. I need to focus on one thing at a time. And, for now, it’s the diet. It’s figuring out how to eat healthy, and how to manage my emotions without food…. Besides, I’m afraid I’m going to get too hungry if I exercise. So, it can wait. I do have so much more energy now, though — so I’m automatically more active. And, of course, yoga is a must….

I know I said there were two things. But, I just thought of a third. And, it’s très important. It’s Rascal trying to feed the cat (Tigger) her kibble…!

I can’t handle the cuteness…. He’s still up every 2 hours at night (LORD HELP ME I AM TIRED). But, look at him. He can get away with anything…. And, he knows it….

Thanks again for the nominations, Gorgeouses. Really, I am blown away….

Love!
xo Haley-O

This Mercury Retrograde is ALL OVER me. First, my sidebar, then…MY CAR (don’t ask), then some other stuff I can’t think of, and now my whole website. It’s been down all night, and I planned to have another early night. So, this is it. Going to bed. But, I am thinking about a few things lately….

1. Is it more important to eat to live or live to eat. Like, is going on a 21-day cleanse à la Kathy Freston WASTING 21 days of potentially eating REALLY AWESOME FOOD (*cough* CHAI LATTE *cough*), or will it, indeed, change my life like it did an old friend of mine who just contacted me and told me about her newfound vegan, caffeine- and sugar-free bliss?

2. I’m obsessed with improving myself. Why can’t I just accept the way I am? Is everybody like this? Is everyone totally incapable of accepting themselves as they are?

3. Can’t I just wake up tomorrow — after HOPEFULLY a good night’s sleep (grrr…, Rascal SCREAMING in the night) — and doggone it accept myself and all my flaws?

4. Don’t you get sick of coming here and listening to me kvetch sometimes? (DON’T ANSWER THAT!)

5. But, then, if I didn’t kvetch, would you come here? (DON’T ANSWER THAT!)

6. If some people have better or more popular blogs than me and my Cheaty Monkey, it does NOT mean they’re more important or better moms or significant-er people than me. It does not mean that I’m somehow less intelligent or less of a writer. I was done with popularity contests in high school.

7. Not sure why I blog lately. It’s an outlet. It’s an out-reach. Not a competition….

8. I’m going to do the cleanse….

9. 21 days….

10. 21 days to a better, healthier, NOT HOOKED, sugarless me…. I’d just give anything to NOT be HOOKED on something. It’s not the drink — the GRANDE SOY NO-WATER TAZO CHAI. It’s the HOOKAGE. It troubles me. I’m done with hooking. That ship has SAILED.

11. Ticker….

12. I can’t get this to work. Help? Anyone know a good ticker site for this?

13. Not a bad luck number. Okay to end here. Time to take risks.

What are YOU thinking about?

Love! xo Haley-O

Photo c/o Google Images.

I’ve had two sips of wine. ON A WEEKNIGHT. And, I may be drunk.

Josh bought us this bottle of wine on the weekend, and I’ve kind of been nursing it ever since. I love the way it makes me feel. ALIVE. Oblivious. DRUNK after just a few sips. No, honestly, I sound like an alcoholic. But, that would mean it would take a little more than three sips for me to be this buzzed. Actually, I’m not THAT buzzed. If I were, then this would be called DRUNK BLOGGING right now. And, that would mean that I’d start rambling and spelling2 worsd rong and telling you I need new underwear things I really shouldn’t tell you.

No, seriously, I figured a good meal of CARBOHYDRATES and ALCOHOL in the form of popcorn and wine would thrust me into a deep sleep. Deep enough not to hear Rascal wailing in the middle of the night simply because he misses his mama. I mean, the kid is OBSESSED with me and my bed at night.

He’ll start SCREAMING in the middle of the night, and, in I go. I pick him up and he fusses and fitzes and makes his way to the ground, AND SCUTTLES LIKE A LITTLE BEETLE on all fours — fastest “wounded soldier crawl” you’ve ever seen — straight to my bed. I stand there shocked at how fast he scuttles (good. word). I’ve never seen anything like it.

He is SUCH a boy….

In the sea of his sister’s girlie toys (and Backyardigans “dollies”), he still loves his trucks….

Amazing how they just “become” boys. There are plenty of pretty pink frilly dollies to choose from, and he goes for the TRUCKS…. I am in awe of this process…. I HAVE tried to give him a baby doll, I even put Monkey’s pink princess dress on him (and this is where drunk blogging gets me in trouble…). I just wanted to see if he COULD in any way be girlie. But, no! Even in monkey’s crazy pink princess dress, Rascal was still very much a boy…

Okay. Now, aside from my need for DEEP, uninterrupted sleep, I am drinking wine and eating popcorn because my lips are cracked. I am so malnourished that my lips are cracked. I mean, it’s one thing to be vegan, but it’s another to EAT PROPERLY. I’ve been living on almond butter, spelt bread and vegan multivitamins, oh, and vitamin-D-and-calcium enriched orange juice, OH, and, of course, the grande soy no-water chai latte. So, tonight, I bid adieu (again) to poor eating. Tomorrow, I give myself and my body the attention WE CRAVES (more than a Starbucks grande soy no-water tazo chai). Time to get healthy. I’m not making any grand claims (I QUIT THAT DANG DRINK I WILL EAT KALE EVERY DAY I WILL MEDITATE EVERY MORNING I WILL DO HOUR AND A HALF YOGA EVERY DAY). No. I’m going to just try to drink water again, and eat three real meals…. I’m going to try to cook for myself….

Yes. Because. Because I’m worth it. Yeah, Gorgeouses, just like the L’Oreal commercial — only without the animal testing. Yes, because, today, I replaced my OLD beloved L’Oreal mascara with the cruelty-free Smashbox mascara. Because Smashbox cares. Love….

I’m also positive affirming. Check it: “Tonight I will sleep like a baby and nothing and no one will wake me up until at least 8am.” (They say positive affirmations should be as specific as possible….)

CHEERS!
xo Haley-O

What is Mercury Retrograde, and why do I care? Why do YOU care? Because LOOK! LOOK around! Not around YOU, silly! Around THIS SITE. Do you see the wonky sidebar? No? That’s because HALF OF IT IS IN THE FOOTER, which is, in turn, as you can see, trying its darndest to be IN THE SIDEBAR. *Update: No, you’re not going crazy, Gorgeous. It’s fixed now. So, just use your IMAGINATION…. Love.

I spent a good couple of hours freaking out about this. I mean, I consider myself quite html-code savvy. After all, I’ve been blogging for almost 3 years now (3 YEARS!). To not be able to fix my SIDEBAR was almost embarrassing, definitely frustrating. Of course, Josh-O and I were yelling at each other, as we always do when the smallest thing goes wrong with my site…. Finally, we calmed down and both started trying to fix this thing, and NOPE. Nothing worked.

TURNS OUT, it’s the BlogHer ad at the top of the sidebar. See it? It LOOKS great. (Try clicking on it, just to see if it works…. Heh, I might as well make a couple pennies out of this! CLICK IT!). Yes, it looks great. But, it’s messing with my CODE! It’s okay, though. I’m alright. Josh-O is alright. We’re alright. I still love BlogHer ads. A lot. They’re purty, and interesting, and they bring so many of us bloggers together. Besides, it’s not REALLY their fault. It’s…, it’s…, it’s….

MERCURY RETROGRADE (in Aquarius/Capricorn)!
January 11th-January 31st, 2009

Mercury Retrograde happens three times a year. And, basically, it’s a phenomenon in which Mercury appears (from the vantage point of Earth) to be moving backwards — hence the “retrograde.” But, it’s not actually moving backwards. Earth and Mercury are moving in tandem around the Sun, so it only LOOKS LIKE it’s moving backwards — to us, that is. Pretty cool, huh?

Anyway, Mercury Retrograde wreaks HAVOC on technology. All of a sudden, your SIDEBAR GOES WONKY, or your car won’t start, or your TV conks out, your internet is down, down, down. BACK UP YOUR FILES, Gorgeouses, BACK UP YOUR FILES (and your templates)!

Spiritually, these three weeks of Mercury Retrograde are supposed to teach us to SLOW DOWN and reflect. Without technology, you see, we’re supposed to be able to do that. To slow down.

Here’s what Astrologer PAR EXCELLENCE, Robert Ohotto (who is, by the way, quite oHOTTo…) says:

…What does Mercury Retrograde symbolize as a process within each of us? How does it point our ego toward our soul’s timing? As a function of consciousness, Mercury represents our thinking and communicative processes, the ways we access and use information, make decisions, pay attention to details, and express ourselves. Perhaps most importantly, Mercury also symbolizes the way we consciously perceive reality.

Much of this gets reexamined during a Mercury Retrograde cycle according to the astrological sign’s themes in which it’s retrograde. We are asked to retreat within and reevaluate what serves our life with regards to this Mercurial function of consciousness, and what needs to be upgraded, refined, and/or let go of in the ways that we think about things. If we resist this, then we invoke the “Trickster” side of Mercury contained in Mercury’s function. You all know this too well: miscommunications, missed flights, accidents, computer and other tech breakdowns…need I go on?! All of these are designed to help you realize you’re not in control and that a deeper design is trying to emerge into your consciousness.

I am not in control, clearly. Must retreat and reevaluate…. Like, reevaluate, as Ms. Ali Martell did yesterday, my list of “pretend celebrity boyfriends.” Ali and I have always had different taste in men — starting way back when we worked together at Scholastic Canada. She likes the pretty boys, and I like the more, erm, burly boys…. Check it:

1. CLIVE OWEN (as always…)

2. EWAN McGREGOR (a NEW one. I fell in love with him after The Island, which, I’m convinced, is a vegan manifesto….)

3. STEVE CARELL (nothing like a guy who can make me cry laughing. Between The Office and Get Smart…? OMG, LOVE!)

4. WILL FERRELL (okay, I’ve talked about him before. I don’t actually think he’s Clive-Owen HOTT. But, I LOVE him. And, I love being his girlfriend. Here he is — in a pic from last week — telling me to call him. Do you love it?!?)

5. BRAD PITT (should, by no means, be last here…, but, he does have that Angelina Jolie person around all the time, so…. But, man, is he aging well! Beautiful-er than ever….)

Okay, I know there are more, but I’m dunzo for today. This Mercury Retrograde is making my head spin…backwards but not really.

Who do YOU love?

LOVE!!!!
xo Haley-O