Some of you remember I gave up celebrity blogging after Rascal was born because, well, something had to go. But, as soon as I started my first Celebrity Candy post just yesterday, it felt like HOME.

Of course, you won’t find much celebrity snark from me. I’ve always been a bit of a goody-two-shoes when it comes to celeb blogging (except for that darn Worst Celebrity Feet post that brings hundreds of visitors here every day — gahh!). And Today’s Parent likes to keep things positive. So we are, indeed, a match made in heaven — laaa!

What else? I’ve also been busy writing tons of articles. I honestly haven’t written this much since grad school. And, again, all this writing feels like HOME.

Want to check my stuff? I promised I’d keep you posted. Here are the latest online articles by me (on MSN and/or TodaysParent.com):

1. Help My Kids Are Out of Control

2. Bringing Sexy Back

3. How To Dress Like a Hot Mama This Summer

4. Still Carrying the Baby Weight?

Stay tuned, too, for my first PRINT article — in the August issue of Today’s Parent!

THAT’S what I’m up to at work. And more. And more. And more. More later, including très cool pics of the office that I’ve been meaning to share for, like, weeks now!

Love!

xo Haley-O

I think I’ve watched every video they’ve published because I have all that time on my hands, you know. Although I (obviously) loathe the one where Justine shows us exactly what she does with the poor gophers on her property, the show’s da bomb. And the work Justine has done to help save the internet is really admirable.

Although she is a wee on the skinny side, I love the show she did on weight. It’s positively brillers….

And, most recently, I loooove the show she did on her “OLDER FACE”!

Is it just me? Is she not teh awesome???

Kelly and Justine always seem to talk about the things I’m thinking about. I’ll be 36 in September, and I’m thinking about aging. Ever since my tooth situation, I’ve been feeling less attractive than ever. And this chai detox? Holy breakout, batman! (Oh yes she did just write that!) But, the thing is, I don’t obsess care about it like I used to. I feel like my “inside” has finally taken over the “outside.” Maybe that comes with a) losing a front tooth, and/or b) gaining 80 pounds in pregnancy and actually living to tell about it (versus when you were in your 20s and almost died when you gained 0.5 pounds since breakfast)? I do look a lot different than I used to, and, like Justine, I feel more represented by my current face. Welcomed frown lines provide the perfect balance for my sweet-and-innocent, smiley features. I still look younger than my years, or so they tell me, but whatevs, you know?

That said, this extra weight on me — this 10-20 lingering pregnancy pounds — does NOT represent who I am inside. When I look in the mirror before I go to work in the morning (still shocked at the image of me in work clothes after all these years!), I look much thinner than the me that I see in photos or occasionally catch glimpses of in store windows.

I don’t know what the story is with my weight. But, if I keep going as I am — speaking from the inside, and hopefully worrying less and less if people are staring at my, erm, gumline — I feel like it will just melt away. All that, and maybe a jog now and then? Me? A jog? You read that right…. I keep hearing it in my head. And my intuition is on fiyah lately….

Sort of like a few weeks ago, when I was naming our new puppy Betty White, and all I could hear in my head when I was thinking up names for her was “BETTY…. BETTTTTYYYYY!”

WELL, just this morning, I learned that the old woman who died in our living room four years before we moved in here was named BETTY!!!! And her last name began with a W!!!!! And sounds a lot like WHITE!!!!! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaahhhhhhaeeeaearardafdeqrgaq4go!!!

CREEPY!!!

Anyway. Here are some other hot “older” celebs I love and want to age like….

And, of course….

Love!

xo Haley-O

LOVE. (Get well soon, Bret!)

Maybe my PVR didn’t record Celebrity Apprentice because it was recording MTV’s The City Aftershow and the finale of Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains at the same time. BEST SURVIVOR EVER, by the way.

LOVE. And, you’re right, Russell, all that matters is AMERICA loves you. Also Canada. You’ll always be the best player ever to me. Also Boston Rob.

SWOON.

While I’m at it, maybe I should just admit to you once and for all that I’m a huge Justin Bieber fan. Baybeh, baybeh, baybeh, ohhhh!

#TWIEBER, FTW! *Cough.*

Oh, come on, you know you love it. And I know I’m not the only one…. The other morning, the Monkey had something very important to whisper to me, wide-eyed:

Mama, a girl in Grade 3 told me there’s a chocolate factory? And it takes you to Hollywood! And to Justin BEAVER!

Awesome. Almost as awesome as this little gem:

Maybe after Space it’s Heaven, and after Heaven it’s a scary world where there are cow aliens.

I’m still amazed that she’s thinking about what’s after Space. I thought I was the only one who thought about stuff like that on a regular basis. Like, what’s beyond INFINITY? I mean, THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHING!?!?!

Before I send you away to contemplate that (let me know what you come up with), here’s an update on our new puppy! In case you haven’t heard, we’ve named her BETTY WHITE — not too far off from the Korean name “HINDUNG,” meaning “WHITE,” that she came to us with, right? It totally suits her. BETTY!

Check out the BLING….

So far Betty’s totally low maintenance, and she’s making us all really, really happy. Aside from a little de-worming incident — and I honestly don’t know what’s worthier of ewwww than a stunning combination of poop and worms — she’s utter perfection. She doesn’t even seem to need much training. The Monkey, on the other hand, does, ALAS….

Love!

xo Haley-O

*UPDATE*: Based on the comments, I think I should point out (didn’t think I had to because YOU all know my type by now — BRUTISH, HAIRY, MANLY — *cough,* CLIVE OWEN, *cough*). I don’t have the hots for Beiber (I could totally be his MOTHER). It’s all about the muuuuusic! Baybeh, baybeh, baybeh, ohhhhh!

Or this (Paris Hilton):

Or this (Johnny Depp):

This (Jim Carrey, who took his bonding off and exposed his *chipped* tooth for Dumb and Dumber — totally worth it):

Or this (ED HELMS, who removed his permanent implant for Hangover — also totally worth it):

Or this (Demi Moore, BRAVELY posting her fabulous toothlessness on twitter):

Or this (Dakota Fanning — I should be that confident toothless):

Or this (Mike Tyson — my dentist promised he’ll do a better job than this):

Sighhh. It could be worse. I’ll be fine. It’s just a tooth. I’ll rock this denture…. I’m sure there are more, but I couldn’t make it to thirteen celebrities. My stomach’s turning. Time to change the subject….

In other news, I had my makeover….

My new Mysore Ashtanga yoga teacher swears I’ll be rid of that belly in no time with regular practice. Why didn’t I think of Ashtanga before? Watch the pounds melt away — I’m TELLING YOU. I’ve never sweat so much. And I’ve never ached so much! More later. Nervous Nelly over here.

As I was saying, yesterday, Mark’s, treated me like a total princess. It was exactly what the dentist ordered…. I didn’t have time to get my hair and makeup done, but, although stylist Afiya Francisco had her work cut out for her, I did get myself some fabulous new sunglasses, RED purse, frilly white top, and ACTUAL PANTS — I was shocked and elated that the best pants for me were SLIM FIT. After all that, I got my photos taken by the PHOTOJUNKIE himself. Love! It was a good day. (There are more pics on the FAN PAGE — check it, and join us!)

Today, I got my facial at Pure and Simple, and a really GREAT eyebrow job.

You’d think with all this pampering, I’d be ready for tomorrow, but I’m not.

I washed a bunch of lettuce, but it’ll probably rot before I get my appetite back. As soon as America’s Next Top Model‘s over, I’m going to make a big batch of my swamp smoothie. I’ve gotta eat SO healthily for optimal bone growage — the stronger the bone, the faster the process, the sooner I can get a permanent implant put in.

As my boyfriend Tim Gunn would say, MAKE IT WORK. I’m gonna MAKE IT WORK. I’m going to take some Rescue Remedy, do my yoga, relax, heal, and make it work. Watch out, Gorgeouses, here I come! Errrrm…. Heh. Okay. Off I go…. Good bye, Tooth. Enter courage. Scared.

Think of me at 3:30….

Love….

xo Haley-O

–Lewis Carroll, “Jabberwocky,” 1872

I always imagined the reader of Carroll’s “Jabberwocky” having a lisp. But I never imagined I would ever have one…. After yesterday’s meeting with the dentist — the fifth one in the past month — it seems I may, indeed, be sporting a lisp in addition to the likely-imperfect temporary denture I’ll pop in immediately after they extract my top front tooth NEXT THURSDAY.

We had a long talk yesterday, the dentist and I. He had a whole speech prepared for me — for me, who is what he called “sensitive.” He wanted to prepare me for the reality of what’s to come this year. For it will, indeed, be a year before I have a permanent tooth in place and, we hope, a celebrity-perfect smile.

Thank God, I remind myself: not an eye, a leg, a breast. Just a tooth. Just a tooth. Just a top front tooth. There’s humour in that. There’s humour in that. Hahahahaha! So FUNNY!!!

And he put that speech in writing for me to take home and pin on my wall when things…ARE BAD. Like the lisp. (I may have a LISP for a few months.) Like a “concavity” I may develop just above the gum line. (I may have a gory smile for a few months.) Like the raised gum line on four front teeth that I’ll have for six weeks. (I may have a GORY smile for a six weeks.) Plastic surgery, baby. That’s what this is, and how very Real Housewives of Orange County of me.

I am thoooo trendy. Brillig.

It all goes down next Thursday. A test of vanity, ’tis.

BRING. IT. ON.

I may even do a party trick or two at Blogher….

Don’t let me drink.

The good news is I’ll have something to wear at night — INVISALIGN *cough* — so I won’t actually have to go to sleep toothless. Phew…..

The good news is, too, that I’m not the only GORJ CELEBRITY (heh, self-esteem in progress) who’s missing a front tooth (well, will be as of Thursday…). DEMI MOORE LOST HER FRONT TOOTH LAST YEAR AND POSTED PHOTOS ON TWITTER! Here’s the thread (via Celebitchy):

Haha @charwils65 I personally thought this look went out after you were 8 didn’t know I would be rocking it again!

Thanks @sugarhigh77 was happy to share and always appreciate the opportunity to find humilty!!! Or at least be able to laugh at myself!

Haha @questionoflife are you a dentist? No implant but thank god for modern dentistry!

That means alot coming from you thx for the love HS! RT @hotstewart Gurrrrrl!!! Own that gap in your teeth! OWN IT GURRRRL!! HOT!

lol RT @panina: @mrskutcher i bet that u’ll be the guest star in the new sequel of “LOST ” (MY TOOTH) ))

Needless to say, I’m her new biggest fan. And I may just tape these pictures on my bathroom mirror, for those dark times this coming year, when I’m cleaning my denture….

Now all I need is a pair of those sunglasses…. And a good thpeech therapitht.

LOVE!

xo Haley-O

]]> http://cheatymonkey.com/index.php/2010/04/09/what-do-cheaty-demi-moore-have-in-common/feed/ 9 http://cheatymonkey.com/index.php/2010/02/08/the-real-housewife-of-toronto-and-her-cat/ http://cheatymonkey.com/index.php/2010/02/08/the-real-housewife-of-toronto-and-her-cat/#comments Mon, 08 Feb 2010 23:55:55 +0000 Haley-O http://cheatymonkey.com/?p=4012 There are three potential first lines to this post:

1. Then again the apple never tasted so sweet.

2. “Mama, are you going to put it on your website?”

3. Dogs are such extensions of their owners, I mean, look at Bethenny Frankel….

I mean, while all the other Real Housewives are sporting chihuahuas, she comes up with this hunk of a bruiser. OY, LOVE. And her name is Cookie. I mean, does it get more compatible than that. They’re perfect for each other. And, me? I have him….

…WHOM I, proudly, rescued from a vet who didn’t seem to care much about him. Really, I’ve never said much about Minden’s origins. But, Minden was the sweetest, most affectionate cat I’d ever met, and he was spending his kitten days locked in a cage on top of his litter box. The vet and staff hardly recognized him when I brought him back in for check ups — and that makes me want to cry. THREE MONTHS Minden spent with them, and they didn’t recognize him when I brought him in. I switched vets, needless to say.

Are Minden and I compatible like Bethenny and Cookie? Just say YES.

I have countless pictures of me and Minden. Me in my big red hat and, what is that, an iPad? And my fancy shiny legs and big New York smile. I’m a little obsessed with Bethenny — and I don’t care if that’s sad — I think she’s hilarious, and I love her frankness (her Frankelness…heh).

That whole Housewives series is just a HOOT. Just yesterday, I thought, I’m NOT getting into The Real Housewives of New Jersey, I will NOT! I want to salvage at least SOME of my brain cells. But, then I saw this clip…, and I was hooked, lined and SINKERED:

OUTRAGEOUS! It’s just so outrageous. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea, I know. Some of you are probably, like Josh-O, totally disgusted right now. And, I know I should be spending my time finishing this month’s fabulous and VERY intellectual T-DOT Blogger bookclub book…. But, if you’ve spent two nights in a row “praying to the porcelain god” because you have the worst stomach flu you’ve ever had in your entire life, then a TV show like this is a GODSEND. Yes, The Real Housewives of Atlanta, Orange County, New York and New Jersey have helped me get through this flu in one piece, sort of.

And 5 pounds smaller — hoorahhh!

OH! And the brand new Project Runway………looooove.

I’m still not out of the woods. I haven’t been able to eat dinner tonight. And I’m freezing, and there are no Housewives on tonight.

But, the sliver of  apple I just sampled never tasted so sweet. AND, the Monkey is actually excited for me to post her favourite dolls “on [my] website”…. She’s starting to have a voice of her own on this blog. And it’s really cool to see that li’l evolution.

But, I’ve run out of steam, officially. Getting cold, and feeling another HURL coming on. You’ll have to wait for the dolls until next time. And, I assure you, whether or not that sounds lame, that you will love it.

You know, sometimes I get really anxious, and the weight of motherhood and the world just gets too heavy to bear. As shameful as it may be, the Housewives are an escape. These women worry about nothing outside of their own self-created dramas. It’s LIBERATING to watch, and hysterical. And the makeup and clothes are OUTRAGEOUS. OUTRAGEOUS, I tell you.

After reading this post, can you guess how high my fever is? I may just be…DELIRIOUS?!

LOVE!

xo Haley-O

P.S. Many thanks to all who participated in the To Haiti With Love benefit (ends midnight tonight). It was an HONOUR to be a part of it.

I just drank a mug of vegan hot cocoa out of my “Heaven-Knows-It’s-Surely-True-That-Mothers-Need-a-Time-Out-Too” mug. Watching a little TMZ. Which may come as a surprise to some of you because, of course, I only watch CLASSY TV shows, like The Bachelor (did you see this season’s premier OMG — even *I* was embarrassed, it was so embarrassing), and my latest favourite, The Real Housewives of, well, all of them — Atlanta, Orange County, New York (in no particular order). NENE!!!

I love NeNe — partly because she hates brilliantly on a certain someone (KIM) whom I can’t stand because she smokes in her house, in her children’s faces.

I can TOTALLY understand if people can’t quit smoking — it took me YEARS to quit chai lattes (I’m still not out of the woods, but let’s pretend). But, I CAN’T understand knowingly exposing your young children to secondhand smoke. Seriously, WTF!? Who DOES that? Does anyone DO that? Anyway, don’t get me started on KIM. Where were we? Oh yes, LOVE NENE. But doesn’t EVERYONE?

I actually liked Anderson Cooper better when he was the host of The Mole — partly because I only watch classy TV, and not CNN. I prefer TMZ….

Where was I? Oh yes. I can do this.

I can write a blog post tonight, and I can get a good few hours of work done (egad) EVEN though I’m exhausted. Yes, exhausted. But, not whiny “WOE IS ME, MY KIDS DON’T SLEEP” exhausted. More like “DAY 15 OF JILLIAN MICHAELS’ HELL VIDEO,” as I like to call it. Level 2, baby. My feet are starting to hurt….

No, seriously, my feet are really hurting. Well, foot. It’s throbbing as we speak, Gorgeouses. I’m sure a good night’s sleep will help (but, ALAS, my kids still aren’t sleeping — WOE! is me). Yoga helps.

Oh GOD. I’m watching GLEE now, and Matthew Morrison is singing Bust A Move. OH! He’s dancing! And now he’s singing the THONG SONG — MOVE OVAH, Justin Timberlake. I’m telling you! And I am telling you!

In conclusion, I am in love with

Matthew Morrison….

and

Harvey Levin….

“I’m a lawyer!”

By the way, I’m also exhausted because the Monkey has a new imaginary friend, “Julia,” and Julia’s sleeping over tonight. Also, the Rascal’s been saying “f*ck” all the time, over and over again. Also, according to the Rascal’s nursery school “Feeling Table,” the words he likes to use are “hard” and “soft.” He needs to build on others, like “bumpy, scratchy, etc.”

LOVE! xo Haley-O