There are three potential first lines to this post:

1. Then again the apple never tasted so sweet.

2. “Mama, are you going to put it on your website?”

3. Dogs are such extensions of their owners, I mean, look at Bethenny Frankel….

I mean, while all the other Real Housewives are sporting chihuahuas, she comes up with this hunk of a bruiser. OY, LOVE. And her name is Cookie. I mean, does it get more compatible than that. They’re perfect for each other. And, me? I have him….

…WHOM I, proudly, rescued from a vet who didn’t seem to care much about him. Really, I’ve never said much about Minden’s origins. But, Minden was the sweetest, most affectionate cat I’d ever met, and he was spending his kitten days locked in a cage on top of his litter box. The vet and staff hardly recognized him when I brought him back in for check ups — and that makes me want to cry. THREE MONTHS Minden spent with them, and they didn’t recognize him when I brought him in. I switched vets, needless to say.

Are Minden and I compatible like Bethenny and Cookie? Just say YES.

I have countless pictures of me and Minden. Me in my big red hat and, what is that, an iPad? And my fancy shiny legs and big New York smile. I’m a little obsessed with Bethenny — and I don’t care if that’s sad — I think she’s hilarious, and I love her frankness (her Frankelness…heh).

That whole Housewives series is just a HOOT. Just yesterday, I thought, I’m NOT getting into The Real Housewives of New Jersey, I will NOT! I want to salvage at least SOME of my brain cells. But, then I saw this clip…, and I was hooked, lined and SINKERED:

OUTRAGEOUS! It’s just so outrageous. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea, I know. Some of you are probably, like Josh-O, totally disgusted right now. And, I know I should be spending my time finishing this month’s fabulous and VERY intellectual T-DOT Blogger bookclub book…. But, if you’ve spent two nights in a row “praying to the porcelain god” because you have the worst stomach flu you’ve ever had in your entire life, then a TV show like this is a GODSEND. Yes, The Real Housewives of Atlanta, Orange County, New York and New Jersey have helped me get through this flu in one piece, sort of.

And 5 pounds smaller — hoorahhh!

OH! And the brand new Project Runway………looooove.

I’m still not out of the woods. I haven’t been able to eat dinner tonight. And I’m freezing, and there are no Housewives on tonight.

But, the sliver of  apple I just sampled never tasted so sweet. AND, the Monkey is actually excited for me to post her favourite dolls “on [my] website”…. She’s starting to have a voice of her own on this blog. And it’s really cool to see that li’l evolution.

But, I’ve run out of steam, officially. Getting cold, and feeling another HURL coming on. You’ll have to wait for the dolls until next time. And, I assure you, whether or not that sounds lame, that you will love it.

You know, sometimes I get really anxious, and the weight of motherhood and the world just gets too heavy to bear. As shameful as it may be, the Housewives are an escape. These women worry about nothing outside of their own self-created dramas. It’s LIBERATING to watch, and hysterical. And the makeup and clothes are OUTRAGEOUS. OUTRAGEOUS, I tell you.

After reading this post, can you guess how high my fever is? I may just be…DELIRIOUS?!

LOVE!

xo Haley-O

P.S. Many thanks to all who participated in the To Haiti With Love benefit (ends midnight tonight). It was an HONOUR to be a part of it.

I can do this.

I just drank a mug of vegan hot cocoa out of my “Heaven-Knows-It’s-Surely-True-That-Mothers-Need-a-Time-Out-Too” mug. Watching a little TMZ. Which may come as a surprise to some of you because, of course, I only watch CLASSY TV shows, like The Bachelor (did you see this season’s premier OMG — even *I* was embarrassed, it was so embarrassing), and my latest favourite, The Real Housewives of, well, all of them — Atlanta, Orange County, New York (in no particular order). NENE!!!

I love NeNe — partly because she hates brilliantly on a certain someone (KIM) whom I can’t stand because she smokes in her house, in her children’s faces.

I can TOTALLY understand if people can’t quit smoking — it took me YEARS to quit chai lattes (I’m still not out of the woods, but let’s pretend). But, I CAN’T understand knowingly exposing your young children to secondhand smoke. Seriously, WTF!? Who DOES that? Does anyone DO that? Anyway, don’t get me started on KIM. Where were we? Oh yes, LOVE NENE. But doesn’t EVERYONE?

I actually liked Anderson Cooper better when he was the host of The Mole — partly because I only watch classy TV, and not CNN. I prefer TMZ….

Where was I? Oh yes. I can do this.

I can write a blog post tonight, and I can get a good few hours of work done (egad) EVEN though I’m exhausted. Yes, exhausted. But, not whiny “WOE IS ME, MY KIDS DON’T SLEEP” exhausted. More like “DAY 15 OF JILLIAN MICHAELS’ HELL VIDEO,” as I like to call it. Level 2, baby. My feet are starting to hurt….

No, seriously, my feet are really hurting. Well, foot. It’s throbbing as we speak, Gorgeouses. I’m sure a good night’s sleep will help (but, ALAS, my kids still aren’t sleeping — WOE! is me). Yoga helps.

Oh GOD. I’m watching GLEE now, and Matthew Morrison is singing Bust A Move. OH! He’s dancing! And now he’s singing the THONG SONG — MOVE OVAH, Justin Timberlake. I’m telling you! And I am telling you!

In conclusion, I am in love with

Matthew Morrison….

and

Harvey Levin….

“I’m a lawyer!”

By the way, I’m also exhausted because the Monkey has a new imaginary friend, “Julia,” and Julia’s sleeping over tonight. Also, the Rascal’s been saying “f*ck” all the time, over and over again. Also, according to the Rascal’s nursery school “Feeling Table,” the words he likes to use are “hard” and “soft.” He needs to build on others, like “bumpy, scratchy, etc.”

LOVE! xo Haley-O

Okay, who’s bright idea was THIS?:

I mean, aside from the director’s, what’shisname.  I have a right to know who’s messing with my already anxious mind. There’s no way in HELL I’m seeing this movie. Even though friends of mine WHO JUST HAD A BABY went to see this catastrophic movie and said it was a freaking joke and that, if you’re afraid of 2012, then this is the movie to see because it’s a freaking joke. A bunch of models and action figures and a bunch of capitalizing on what’s already a subject of GLOBAL HYSTERIA.

There’s also the big Swine Flu vaccine. And people not vaccinating their kids calling people who DID vaccinate their kids stupid because the vaccine is, i.e., “too shady for me.” And then there’s people who vaccinated their kids calling people who DIDN’T vaccinate their kids stupid because, well, you know, blah blah. We’ve all heard it. And then THIS comes out and capitalizes on what’s already a subject of GLOBAL HYSTERIA.

…A bunch of horrible creepy aliens disguised as gorgeous humans (of course, because all humans are gorgeous) wanting to take over our health care — “universal healthcare,” hmmmm…. LIKE we needed this right now, in the middle of flu vaccine hysteria. Like I freaking needed to see that episode. And isn’t Elisabeth Mitchell in, like, enough creepy shows already?

Hasn’t she already freaked us out enough in LOST….

The posters for 2012 are plastered on our Toronto buses. They’re on billboards and every other commercial. WHO NEEDS THIS? I ask you, WHO NEEDS THIS?

And then you turn on the news, NAY, you turn on a freaking KIDS’ show, and there it is again — that 2012 commercial, and the news HEADLINES of the day, which are always godawful because they have to HOOK YOU IN. And JUST when you sit down to a meal of pasta with mushrooms, they are SO going to tell you that pasta and mushrooms will KILL you because…stay tuned for the news at 7 and you’ll find out. GRAAARGH!

I’m just a wee blogger. A wee PERSON at barely 5′1″. But something’s gotta change. The media, entertainment, and the commercial peeps — desperate for us to WATCH them, even as we PVR everything — have to stop spreading the fear. Whatever happened to SPREADING the LOVE!? You know how many people are TERRIFIED of all this sh*t? And there it is, IN YO FACE. If it’s not V, then it’s Fringe, or The Law Abiding Citizen. Freaking The Law Abiding Citizen — my poor mother will never answer her front door again. Why can’t Gerard Butler make more movies like THIS, instead:

WHICH, I loved. LOVE LOVE LOVE. The chemistry between those two, OMG — which is shocking, since we’re talking about Katherine Heigl. Speaking of which, I also loved this one….

WHICH doesn’t say much about my taste in movies lately. But, seriously, anything to get away from all the mind-blowing scary stuff.

Just the other day, I’ll have you know, the Monkey saw THIS poster on some storefront window….

And she actually yelled, “MAMA, LOOK! ORPHANS”! This from a girl who’s TV watching is limited to Tree House and the odd PVR’d So You Think You Can Dance Canada — with vehemently fast-forwarded commercials.

I’ll also have you know….

Yesterday I walked through downtown Toronto with my family.

The annual Christmas parade had just ended.

There was GARBAGE everywhere.

All of it was from fast food.

On our way home, we passed a protest with violent images that I didn’t need to see just then, on my Sunday afternoon walk with my young family.

Violent images are everywhere. They’re f*ing with my mind and I HOPE NOT my children’s minds.

All I ask is that Gerard Butler make some more funny movies, that Elizabeth Mitchell do a sitcom FOR ONCE, and that horror films stay where they USED to be — on the FAR corner in the back of the video store, and not mixed among the fluffy mainstream ones. Sensitive minds like mine CANNOT take all this SCARY stuff. CANNOT.

Spread the LOVE! I ASK THEE! PEACE! Unicorns…? Fairy dust and mermaids? SPARKLES…. Gerard? HEART. CLIVE OWEN. Will Ferrell. Please. More comedy, love, yooooga, less fear. LESS FEAR.

xo Haley-O

With the advent of twitter lists (which I doubt I’ll ever get around to making myself because I hardly have time to write to-do or shopping lists let alone SEVERAL lists dividing my friends into groups — high school much? — and unintentionally snubbing them, which is bound to happen)…what was I saying? I forget because I got distracted by Whitney and Jay’s conversation on this eve’s rerun of MTV’s The City….

That picture is so last year, like, when Jay and Whitney were still together. But I didn’t have time to find any current pics of them. But I DID have time to watch THIS WEEK’s episode just now. And I just want to say that, if Elle Magazine wants to interview bloggers — because, as Joe Zee (Elle’s creative director) puts it, “blogs are the places where news is breaking right now” — they should come TO ME, and my SLIPPERS…. Remember these?

Still wearing ‘em! There’s nothing these two less famous bloggers have that I don’t, right? I blog in my pajamas, too, and shop with my mother…? No? Yes? Elle?

If I don’t get into Elle Magazine, can I at least get on X-WEIGHTED? I need to lose these last 15. Or maybe I’ll just curl up on my couch with my Puffins and make twitter lists, instead. It’s safer here in my comfort zone…. Except right now. Because Josh just made clam chowder, and it STINKS in here.

So, I do have a little list JUST for this blog because my poor blog gets pushed aside so often these days for other more “pressing” things, and this really shouldn’t be, really saddens me, really has to stop because I love blogging…, and if one more thing goes to sh*t because I’m working too much, then something’s got to give. Because DOGGONE IT, I’m important.

So my list, ahem.

1. I love the way Rascal says “banana” — “badanan,” as in, “MO BADANAN, MAMA! MO BADANAN.”

2. Rascal eats too many badanans.

3. The Monkey is addicted to hugging. In the middle of the Swine Flu pandemic, she’s hugging strangers (not that it really matters because Swine Flu is air born).

4. I had Kabocha squash for dinner.

5. Rascal can count to two now. It’s official: “One, Doo, ONE!”

6. Monkey is obsessed with drawing me without a body because, apparently, “it’s too hard” to draw my body….

7. WHICH I choose to take as a compliment, because why not and DOGGONE IT!

8. I’m the disembodied turbaned head on the far left of the drawing — next to me is the artiste herself, her brother, and a caterpillar.

8. I am NOT too old to love The City, OR The Hills….

9. I also love the Glee, The Office, The Tudors, So You Think You Can Dance and Survivor.

10. I did watch V, but I will never watch it again.

11. Just like I will never watch Fringe again.

12. Or the Y&R, which I quit a month ago, WHICH should be a post in itself because it’s a big f-ing deal.

13. I want Russell to win Survivor.

14. I can’t end on #13 not because it’s “bad luck” but because it’s just a weird number to end on.

15. #15 is a better number to end on than #14.

16. I always go for the odd numbers.

17. OCD.

18. But, #18 is an ideal number to end LISTS on.

19. Even though it’s an odd number.

20. I think I’m into even now.

Those Americans THINK they can dance. And, oh yeaaah, they can dance. But, they ain’t seen nothin’ yet. Before I share my INCREDIBLE cottage vacay with you (I’m still sorting through pictures), check this awesome So You Think You Can Dance Canada “Dance Hall” routine featuring Jayme Rae and Daniel…. Omigosh, it is SO FINE. Two things to look out for: Daniel’s stellar performance in which he connects both with Jayme Rae and the audience — my favourite boy hands down (and CRUSH); and the most hilarious slamtastic surprise ending EVER:

So you thought you can dance, eh America? Well HOW BOAT DOZE Canadians…!

Love!
xo Haley-O