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I’m sitting here RESENTING right now. I know it’s wrong and BAD. I’m a BAD mother for resenting this. But, you know what? It’s better to write it and get it out of my system than to let it fester and breed all sorts of ugly passive-aggressive behaviour — like yelling at Josh or my mother for no reason. If I write this, I get it out of my system. And, I so know you can relate. And we’re all about being real in this space, right?

So, I’m RESENTING.

What am I resenting? HE’S NO LONGER NAPPING. AT ALL.

Afternoon free time? IS DEAD. ALAS!!!

And I’m accepting cards and condolences and flowers (no carnations please), and I may even have to hold some sort of ceremony.      ß

What’s up with that symbol, you ask? What IS that anyway? Beta? ß Yes, I think it is. Well, I suppose that’s ONE good thing about having Rascal with me, and NOT NAPPING, this afternoon: now I get to learn friggin’ GREEK SYMBOLS as he sits on my lap slamming my computer enough times to produce BETA.

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That was me cursing in BETA — in other words, @$^%%$@T$R$@^&#!!!!!11ONEfrigGQIN (there he goes finishing off my CURSE for me with his sticky little hands). And now he’s going to climb on the couch — there he goes — and beat the carp out of me, in his 2-year-old way, not caring that I’m mad. My MADNESS, indeed, is the most hilarious thing ever to him.

And, oh I’m mad.

I’m mad because I KNOW.

I’m mad because I know what happens when they stop napping. Because I’ve been here before. I know that when they stop napping, I’m no longer my own for 2 hours. I’m THEIRS. No more exercising and meditating in the afternoon, no more working and getting stuff done in the afternoon — while one’s at school and one’s dozing peacefully in bed. ALAS! ‘Tis GONE GONE GOOOOOONE!

It is the end of CHERISHED me-time…. It is the end of any HOPE of getting to bed at a reasonable hour because I can’t work when he’s around, demanding “LAP, mama, LAP!” and “CUDDY, I wan CUDDY!” (cuddles, he wants cuddles — awww, sweet, I know! he’s a DARLING! but he’s even darlinger when he’s NAPPING/ ß ?441*599999)))

So life is changing. Just when I start to actually get in the groove of taking care of myself, the universe throws me a new challenge. Isn’t that how it always goes? How life is?

I do feel better now. This writing has taken the resentment to a new understanding. My kids are “my spiritual practice,” as the wise Caroline Dupont reminded me…. So, Rascal and I will have to go for walks and do errands together. He’ll love it. And, I’ll figure it out. And, I’ll learn to love it once this period of resentment and grieving is over.

But, the nap? My afternoon free time? It’s officially DUNZO. ß

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