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That white thing, bottom left? That’s my chest. Ma BEWB (a term I can’t take credit for). Everything ON TOP of ma bewb is the reason I haven’t been sleeping lately, the reason I have this massive headache, burning eyes and inability to write sensical sentences (see?). Apparently “sensical” isn’t a word. But IT SHOULD BE.

Don’t worry, the cat is mid yawn — not mid hiss or vampire bite — in the photo. He’s very friendly, as you know. But apparently very tired. Because apparently 22 hours of sleeping isn’t enough for him.

Apparently.

So, here’s the thing. Neither of my kids are sleeping — or, at least, not at the same time. It starts with the Rascal, at around 2am. He wakes up screaming for “MAMA! MAMA! MAMA! MAMA! MA-…” If I don’t go and get him, then a) his sister will wake up, and b) he will continue to scream until dawn. I. Exaggerateth. Not.

Sensical.

So, when I can’t take the screaming anymore (the acoustic sitch in my house does NOT help), I pick him up out of his crib — she wakes up anyway — and I plop him and his “Mooneh” and his “Bah” and his “Er-Er” all down on my bed with me. He settles right down, of course, impishly grinning ear to ear….

This would be all sweet and precious and cuddly if not for one itty bitty problemo.

He doesn’t exactly sleep WITH me — he sleeps ON me. As in, ON TOP of me. As in, SEE ABOVE PHOTO in which he was courteous enough, JUST THIS ONCE, to let Minden have a bewb.

Bewb.

Usually, he’s sprawled across my torso like a dead fish. A snoring dead fish. When I can’t breathe anymore, I attempt to shift positions, and he kvetches and repositions himself in the Snoring Dead Fish pose across my torso — again, but with a little more GUSTO.

Snoring Dead Fish.

By 4am the Monkey’s in our bed. I usually hear her thump thump thumping across the hall to our bed, and I attempt to “SIGHHH” underneath the solid mass of Rascal — and then she tells us she’s thirsty.

By 6am, the Rascal’s tugging my hand and yelling, “UP!”

I used to make fun of people who said “muchly.” But, I’m tired. So tired. So damn MUCHLY tired. Gusto.

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