The first day I got to the beautiful cottage we rented in Port Carling, Muskoka Lakes,* I jumped out of the hot tub and ran for the slide…. I was the second to go down the wobbly contraption, and not a bone in my body shivered or froze with the usual hesitancy whenever I try something new or remotely childish….

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Lesson #1 of cottage week: PLAY, GODDAMMIT! For once in your life, Haley, PLAY. And, oh, I played. And every time I played, my Inner Child tsk-tsk’ed at my grumpy-arse Ego and huffed, “WATCH ME.” And then I jumped on the raft and tubed my li’l heart out while screaming in my brother’s ear the entire time…. Wheeee!

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Lesson#2: FEAR BITES; CAN SUCKIT. Ever since I was a kid I’ve been terrified of the lake — or, more specifically, ever since I took flipper (flicker, remote control) in hand and stopped at a curious little movie, cocked my little head at sweet vision of father and son fishing, and then freaked the hell out when they caught — what? — a seaweed covered SKELETON. GAHH! I grew up fast after that.

Anyway, even though I have this deep-rooted fear of swimming in the lake, I swam 60 lengths from the big dock to the raft every day….

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It helped a lot when Cat Stevens’ “Peace Train” came on and then Cold Play’s “Viva la Vida” — thanks to my brother’s infinite playlist. Pumped me right up. No, seriously, it was hard work combating that fear. Every time I swum out to the raft, the massive red-brown seaweed-covered ghost hand appeared beneath me, opening itself up like a venus fly trapper, menacingly threatening to grab me by the belly. I swum on. “You don’t scare me, Ghost Hand — Ride on the Peace Train… Oooo Ahhh Eeee Ahhh Oooo Wahhh…. Come on the Peace Train.” Yeah SWIMIT!

It was a metaphor for my life. Me and my compulsive fears all the time. What’s the point? LIVE ON. NEXT.

Lesson #3: Look before you walk RIGHT THROUGH a screen door. And then maybe you won’t tear it down and waste all the duct tape to fix it….

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Peek-a-boo!

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Lesson #4: If there is a Chip Wagon, Josh-O will find it….

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Lesson #5: If you want good cuddles, get in the lake with your children — they will cling to you like Monkey’s half-eaten red lollipop to Josh-O’s leg hair *COUGH.*

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Lesson #6: If you want your almost-2-year-old son to nap, take the family out for a canoe….

Lesson #7: HOT TUB GOOOOD.

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Lesson #8: Shrek for the 56th time STILL GOOOOD.

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Lesson #9: Family bonfires are da bomb even if you can’t eat the roasted marshmallows because you’re vegan and they didn’t buy the Kosher (sans-gelatin) ones but you’re not bitter.

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Lesson #10: Always set your son loose in the local Blue Notes store to dance his li’l booty off.

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Lesson #11: Don’t bother bringing your makeup kit to the cottage. Just wear big sunglasses.

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Lesson #12: Celebrating your 35th birthday a week early is great. In theory…. But, for the record, I’m STILL not 35. Not ’til THURSDAY.

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Note: Look at Rascal’s little head on the left…. Tenth percentile, BABY! OY! He’s very serious about the cake….

Lesson #5: Enjoy every freaking minute because, before you know it, Cottage ’09 is over and you’re left crying big bulbous tears at the exquisite sunset totally uncapturable by my Canon….

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*Many thanks to CottageCountry.com for enabling us to find this truly magnificent cottage. It was perfect.

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