This is not an actual blog post. I’m not going to think too much about it. Because there are times when not thinking too much is a good thing. I’m just going to jot. For all I have to say, once and for all, is that I HAVE FLAWS. Big, fat freaking flaws. And they’re so IN YOUR FACE that it’s not funny anymore. They’re so IN YOUR FACE that everybody knows.

And I’m a perfectionist.

But that flaw’s for another day.

One of my worst flaws, and the one that’s on my mind tonight as I type with great nausea welling up in my core is that I AM RASH. I am a very rash, impulsive person. I do things without thinking — especially when people I admire and think are SO SMART do the thinking for me.

I don’t often think for myself.

I don’t think for myself at all.

I’ve never thought for myself.

I don’t KNOW HOW to think for myself.

When I HAVE to think for myself, I get clouded. Ego takes over and blasts all my thoughts as irrelevant because they’re just MY thoughts, my decisions. And who am I?

I’ve always been easily swayable.

Best example. I had the perfect supervisor and project when I was doing a PhD in English Literature. I’d presented papers on my project at academic conferences; I’d been published in highly esteemed academic journals. Everything was perfect. And it took ONE male professor to give me an A+ on a tortured paper, SWAY me to go with him and write an entirely new dissertation in an area in which I was completely inexperienced. This professor, as it turned out, would sooner talk about the cafeteria lady’s “shaved pussy” (I kid you NOT) than about my dissertation….

Sad.

My entire life has been like this.

Every area of my life is affected by this flaw. From the foods I choose to eat (of course), to the schools and programs I send my children to…. It took my boss all of two days to note my impulsiveness. And she calls me on it whenever it shows up…. And she teaches me, partly through example, ways to curb it. Like, waiting more than 2 seconds to react to a new design…. Like, waiting more than 2 seconds to say YES! to an exciting opportunity…. Like, waiting more than 2 seconds and stepping back. What do I THINK?

This goes for everything.

I am impulsive.

It’s a life lesson.

It’s time you knew.

Changeable? Not sure. But, the first step toward change is always recognition. I know this because that’s what THEY SAY, you see.

This is a BIG FLAW of mine. I’ll be 35 years old next month. It’s time to grow up and think for myself — clearly, deeply, with confidence, finally. I think. I definitely think so.