A friend of mine said something to me on the phone yesterday that made me pause…, because it made me question my parenting. She’s very preggers, so I take it with a grain of salt. But, still.
She said that I’m the ONLY person she knows who didn’t rigidly schedule her babies. “You had NO routine,” she said, “you just followed your babies’ own rhythms and cues.” “That’s not true,” I retorted, “I was vague about the routine, but they always napped twice a day and went to bed around the same time, after dinner, bath and books….” “No,” she insisted. Blergh.
Again, if she weren’t, like, 8 months preggers, I MAY have pursued this further. But, I just got off the phone as quickly as I could because my skin was boiling, and I knew I was being oversensitive (one of my flaws, in case you haven’t noticed). But, if I am INDEED the ONLY person who didn’t rigidly schedule her babies, did I do something wrong? And, more importantly, what about now? I’m not one of those mothers who DOTES and ANALYZES and ROUTINIZES. I honestly don’t think about how I parent all that much, and I do tend to get lazy and self-absorbed. I’ve been lazy and self-absorbed my whole life — how was I expected to change that when I popped two kids out at 30+ years old?
I dunno. I do what I can every day. And, my kids are happy, loved, clean, clothed, fed, encouraged and supported. Part of me wants to make more of an effort to be more present with them. But, the other part KNOWS that I’m terribly hard on myself. I’m a Virgo after all. And any SNIFF of an insult to my parenting throws me into a fit of anxiety and self-doubt. Not good. Must work on that.
SO, probably because of that phone call, I got up bright and early this morning (Sunday) and planned a farm trip for the family. Off we went to Whittamore’s Farm. And I was determined to dote HARD on my kids and show them an amazing time. Of course, I forgot my camera at home; but, I had my GREENberry on me (yes, my beloved blackberry <<CRACK>> is sporting a green silicone cover now, like ma website — LAAAH!) — fogives the quality.
Nothing like wide-open spaces to get some perspective….
And sweet tractor rides…. OY! Little BOYS!
And FRESH CORN…. “MORE BUTTER, DADA!” “NO!”
And a puppet show…. (Look how loved…!)
And, Rascal’s LEGS! I just want to BITE THEM! I mean, no wonder some animals eat their young. OY!
At around 1pm, just before Rascal’s nap (A-HEM), Josh-O said, “Let’s go. I’m done.” “Well, I think the kids are done,” I said, “Does it really matter if WE’RE done?” “Um, yeah, I’m done.” And, um, yeah. It matters. It definitely matters to me. We ALL have to count here. Or, we’ll just EXPLODE. Or, I will, anyway. I have. I do on a daily basis….
You know…? Sometimes I get judgy comments on this blog about my parenting, too. They’re usually cases of me being oversensitive (Virgo). But, I think I can take it now — like, as of today (please don’t test me). And I can take judgy comments from friends and family and the salesperson at Jacob. Because I know I’m a DAMN good mother. Because I do it MY WAY, and I remain true to myself. I know my flaws. I’m realistic about my expectations of myself. And, I KNOW — NOW that I think of it and analyze — that all I can do is keep loving and supporting and FEEDING, and, perhaps, be a little less selfish every day. Just a little.
Phew. I feel better now. Will call my preggers friend tomorrow and see WHAZZZZUUUP!
Love!
xo Haley-O
SciFi Dad said, July 20th, 2009 at 5:38 am
This may sound a little armchair psychologist-y, but maybe the reason you got your back up was because you feel like you should have been more forceful with routines when your kids were babies? Just a rhetorical thought.
With both kids, we didn’t follow strict routines on a timer or anything. They USUALLY had a morning nap around the same time, but it was when they started to rub their eyes and/or get cranky. They USUALLY ate meals at the same time as us. They USUALLY had an afternoon nap of sorts. They USUALLY took a bath, then stories, then bed.
The thing is, they are our kids, just like yours are yours and no one else’s. You did what you thought worked best for your kids and you as parents… what was best for YOUR family.
At least that’s how I see it.
SciFi Dad´s last blog ..The Cottage Life
Haley-O said, July 20th, 2009 at 6:50 am
SCIFI – great to hear from you! Yeah, I ALWAYS tried to be one of those rigid routinizers (to be like all the other moms I know – my friends), and I could never do it. I thought it reflected on my mothering as a whole, and it seems I still feel that way. But, no. We all do what’s best for us. It’s nice to hear that you didn’t rigidly routinize either.
I’ve NEVER been able to do routine. I crumble under a routine — which is why I could never enjoy a 9-5 job…. So, why would I THINK I could routinize my kids, etc.? Peer pressure….? Society? Books? But, I think I worked it out here and feel better about it all. Isn’t that what blogs are for!
Toronto Mama said, July 20th, 2009 at 7:15 am
Who cares about routines? Seriously, all the parents I know that routinize their kids turn completely neurotic anytime the routine is broken.
I say WHATEVER! To each her/his own.
But I know what it’s like to be oversensitive (Aries with Moon in Scorpio should tell you something) and I also find it very hard to shrug off people’s unsolicited comments. Although it sounds like you’re doing a good job reasoning yourself out of that friend’s comments.
You’re a great mom!!
Toronto Mama´s last blog ..Cold feet
Billy Donald said, July 20th, 2009 at 7:25 am
I think that way too many women overthink parenting to the point of obsessiveness and malria-induced levels of insanity… and yes, that is how OCD comes up rearing it’s unusually well-scrubbed head…don’t feel like you underprepared or did anything wrong…if your kids are happy and healthy, then you did everything right..
Emma said, July 20th, 2009 at 7:37 am
I know someone who doesn’t use routines at all, who doesn’t set nap times, who lets their kids fall asleep at 10pm at night in front of the TV, and her kids are younger than mine. And I sometimes get that thought in the back of my mind – whoa, what are you thinking?! But you know what – her kids are happy, the parents are happy – who cares. To each their own. There are only a few things I insist on routinizing, the rest is flexible. I wish we wouldn’t judge each other’s parenting if the kids are happy. And of course then we wouldn’t all have complexes about whether or not we are good enough parents…
Emma´s last blog ..Good/bad/good
Teena in Toronto said, July 20th, 2009 at 7:54 am
I’m only a mom to furkids … but I think you are a fabulous mom!
Can you adopt me?
Teena in Toronto´s last blog ..Fire
kgirl said, July 20th, 2009 at 7:57 am
I did nothing much to help my kids get on a schedule, which to me, is different than a routine. We had a routine – still do, and it has changed with my children. Some kids (and some moms) need a rigid schedule. We didn’t and it has worked great for us. Personally, I think the best kind of parenting is the kind that responds to a child, not a book or a clock or an expert.
kgirl´s last blog ..Kgirl’s Book Club – Six Months in Sudan
Blisschick said, July 20th, 2009 at 8:42 am
Haley,
Oh, my, people should learn to mind their own damn business. Unless you ASKED her for a critique of your parenting skills, she should have stayed quiet.
And another thing (See I will be sensitive FOR YOU)…AND another thing, this current parenting culture is WAY too concerned with this routine crap. They are just raising children who will naturally fall into being cogs in the wheel, children who will never question orders or take risks or really ENJOY the PROCESS of being alive.
Parents are too busy and they overcompensate and try to justify their own busy-ness by making their kids JUST LIKE THEM.
Children are not clay that is to be molded but plants that are to be allowed to grow — in whatever way is encoded in THEIR genetic material.
Blisschick´s last blog ..How’s Your Bliss, Chick?
LAVENDULA said, July 20th, 2009 at 9:05 am
Haley you are way to hard on yourself. i am an attachment parenting let my children tell me show me what they need and have never attempted to follow a schedule!and they are fine,schedules only work for people who need them to not for the rest of us who just do our best XO
Chantal said, July 20th, 2009 at 9:42 am
Is this her first child? She is probably feeling things out. Maybe she is the type of person who thrives on routine. I am a “sort of” routine mom. I had a friend who is a militia style routine mom. We get along although we avoiding taking about parenting because our styles are so very different. But I can admit that since she has had her second child she is much more forgiving of other parents styles. Before she had her first she was very judgmental. Nothing like kids to knock a parents standards down a few notches
Chantal´s last blog ..Thoughts on this pregnancy
Renee said, July 20th, 2009 at 10:14 am
Don’t let anyone tell you how to parent. Schedules are for parents who expect their babies to fit into their lives, when it should be that parents should figure out how to fit into the baby’s life. If you follow your baby’s cues you end up with a much better child. I’m into this 11years now and have a wonderful non-scheduled kiddo.
Nothing bothers me more than to hear a baby or small child crying their heart out at a store and the parent is just ignoring them. Yeah it sucks when you need to get stuff done and your kid isn’t into it, but in the long run what’s more important?
Sounds to me like you’re doing great Haley. Don’t let anyone shake you.
Renee´s last blog ..more hail and lady vs tree!
Laural said, July 20th, 2009 at 10:17 am
You know, I hate when people assume that having a schedule equals being a good mom.
When it comes to parenting, my schedule is a lot like yours, and I make no apologies. My kids are clean (though not bathed every night), they are well taken care of and they are loved.
I am amazed all the time by my kids.
You know, we have done all sorts of ‘crazy’ stuff with them – we have no qualms going on trips – whether it’s a day trip to buffalo or a week in Disney.
We go places and try stuff out, and if it doesn’t work so be it.
I’m the mom who lets my kid crack the eggs when we’re making cookies, and doesn’t stress that the house is still a mess at the end of the weekend because we were too busy visiting grandparents.
I’m often judged for that.
Or for the fact that I let my kindergartner skip karate class to sleep in sometimes.
But at the end of the day – that’s how I run my life. and, I’m crazy and silly, but I like myself. And I’m happy.
Schedules be damned.
And – I think you’re an amazing mom!
(off my soapbox now)
Laural´s last blog ..Our Monorail Memories
Julie said, July 20th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
how anyone can criticize another woman’s parenting (unless, her children are starving, cage living, dirty animals) is beyond me…especially a “friend”.
tell your “friend” to get out more and she’ll see all kinds of different kids from all kinds of different backgrounds and parenting beliefs and the kids are all pretty much the same.
i have scheduled very little for my two kids (except bedtime…gotta go to bed!) for activities, playtime or lessons. they play with dirt, sticks, toys, each other….my youngest will watch an anthill for 15 minutes.
if your kid tells you they love you, hugs you, is well fed and can communicate then you’re doing well as a parent and everyone who has posted is doing well as a parent (even for the furbabies!)
Alicia said, July 20th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
What works for you and your children, works. Every family is different and I don’t believe you can compare every child. We don’t follow a strict schedule (especially naps) and I still have happy, healthy boys!!
Alicia´s last blog ..WS: Trip to FeilongShan
Lori L. said, July 20th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
I do not and never have had routines for either of my boys. I sometimes wish that I did have routines in place for them but it just isn’t ‘me’. Some people are so critical though – it is annoying. I feel your pain.
Jenn said, July 20th, 2009 at 10:49 pm
I think you are a great mother. I only know you through this glowing screen in front of me, but it’s obvious that you love those kids and you’ll do pretty much anything for them.
Right now I’m reading the book the Glass Castle. It kind of puts things into perspective. The woman in the book has a mother who puts herself before her kids all the time. And the kids still turn out okay, great really million dollar writers actually =)
Jenn
Jenn´s last blog ..Where Am I?
Laura said, July 21st, 2009 at 7:15 am
so I am thinking… right….. I like structure I really do, but am not a drill sargent when it comes to rules, schedules are loose, but they exist, expectations are clear but deviation anticpated almost expected… there are days where life could mimicks the plan and others I rather sit home and do nothing…… but in my assessment people who follow rigid plans have kids who can’t think for themselves, they have to have a plan, they have to be told how to play, how to eat, how to think, how to take a crap….. kids need structure yes, but they also need freedom to create, to imagine, to find thier own paths that may in fact differ from our own… you have beautiful happy kids, who gives a crap about the rest…. you’re the mommy you make the rules!!!!
Dina said, July 21st, 2009 at 3:14 pm
You are an awesome mom!
We never had a routine and still don’t. Some days are good, some are bad but we all love eachother madly. As long my kids are fed, clean, encouraged, supported, loved and HAPPY, then I’ve done my “job”.
The Rascal is sooo cute!
erika said, July 21st, 2009 at 9:01 pm
Do whatever the hell you want. Schedules for babies are mainly to make parents’ lives easier. Some babies/toddlers — llike mine — demand a rigid routine, but yours obviously don’t. You ARE a damn good mother.
erika´s last blog ..my kid is weird
Goofball said, July 23rd, 2009 at 6:45 am
cute pictures
Goofball´s last blog ..Evian Roller Babies
ava said, July 23rd, 2009 at 3:09 pm
…followed your childs rhythms and cues… sounds like a heck of a compliment to me! i think that is the sign of an unselfish and tuned in mom. i wouldnt get defensive- say ‘thank you for noticing my devotion to my kids.’