I’m back at the gym. Doctor’s orders. Actually psychiatrist’s orders. YES, I go to a psychiatrist. Not once a week or anything, but once every few months just as a followup to the psychological DISASTERS that were my pregnancies. I think they’re calling it “pregnancy blues,” now. Like, enough women are going (certifiably) insane during pregnancy that there’s finally a term for it. Not “prenatal depression” or “prepartum depression,” as I expected, but “pregnancy blues.” This doesn’t NEARLY describe what I went through (see HERE and HERE for all the gory deets), but at least they have a name for it….

ANYWAY, once you go through something like I did — major, irrational, debilitating pregnancy-hormone-induced anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) — it doesn’t just go away. It comes back every now and then. Most troubling for me is that I still experience the PHYSICAL symptoms of the anxiety/OCD, and I’m finally accepting that certain things trigger these symptoms — like, for example, erm, hem, haw, CAFFEINE AND SUGAR, aka the STARBUCKS GRANDE SOY-NO-WATER-CHAI-TEA-LATTE to which I am majorly, irrationally, debilitatingly addicted.

starbucks chai latte cheaty Pictures, Images and Photos

So, when I kvetch DAY IN and DAY OUT here about how I CAN’T STOP drinking this ELIXIR OF LOOOOVE and ALL THAT IS GOOD FOR MOTHERS OF VERY YOUNG CHILDREN IN THIS WORLD crack — CRACK, I tell you (again) — it’s not a small deal. My psychiatrist actually wants me off this stuff. Why? Because it makes me shake for the better part of the day. It brings on the physical symptoms of my anxiety. I literally feel the anxiety coursing through my veins, even if there’s no obsessive thought connected to it.

HENCE, as per my psychiatrist, I need to GET OFF THE CHAI. Also, as per my psychiatrist, and I need to GET OFF MY BUTT. Yes. My Rascal is 19 months now, so a) we’re no longer talking about “pregnancy weight” here, b) or nursing weight, and c) that pain in my tailbone that’s SO BAD that my NEW BOSS had to switch seats with me during MY INTERVIEW because I COULDN’T TAKE THE PAIN that I get from sitting on hard surfaces for more than ten minutes or from sitting AT ALL for a prolonged period of time (speaking of which…, ouch!) HAS TO GO. Yes, I need to fix all this. I need to FEEL better. I need to HEAL from the physical and emotional pains of my pregnancies already. It’s time to move forward.

So, I’m at the gym again in the effort to move forward — to move more. And it’s amazing. AMAZING (a word I am known to overuse but that’s perfectly appropriate here). I sweat. I huffed. I puffed. I need new shoes. Anyone know a good vegan running shoe?

Yes, I’m back at the gym. But, I’m still drinking chais. BUT, as my GORJ online buddy Lindsey reminded me on Twitter yesterday, baby steps. Baby steps, baby steps, BABY STEPS!!! Anyone see that movie: What About Bob? With Bill Murray? Richard Dreyfuss? BABY STEPS!!!

LOVE! Anyway, I’ll start with the gym, and then I will definitely, finally, ditch that chai. Again.

And then, maybe, as the book I’m reading explains, I’ll figure out what’s REALLY behind that self-destructive addiction. Maybe I won’t need the chai anymore now that I’m starting to take care of my body? Maybe I won’t want it?

Basically, I’ve had an epiphany. Yes. I’m finally ready to set up some new boundaries. All my years of dieting and eating issues were filled with STRICT BOUNDARIES. When I became pregnant, and crazy, ALL those boundaries collapsed. And I’ve been living on chai tea crack, sugar, breads, peanut butter, ever since. So, it’s ALMOST time, Gorgeouses. It’s almost time time to start GRADUALLY rebuilding the boundaries. Correction: to gradually rebuild HEALTHY boundaries — working out, eating RIGHT, taking care of myself, and moderation. Moderation, baby. And baby steps.

Tomorrow — SAMBA CLASS at the gym! Weeee!

Now, go check CHEATY GOODIES for our EMERGENCY PREPAREDNESS contest. Only Canadian’s are eligible for this one, but the post and video will make everyone think.

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