1. Overwhelmed with mental, physical and emotional exhaustion.
2. Not wanting to whine about it.
3. Figure if stick to numbered list, any hint at whining will be undetectable.
4. What’s the deal with whining? It’s basically venting but with different tone of voice, right? And venting’s okay, right?
5. Venting on blog equals GOOD, right?
6. What’s the deal with my pants? They’re tighter today than they were yesterday. And, they’re Lululemons.
7. Trying to get to bed early so can wake up before Rascal and start working out in the MORNINGS so will feel motivated throughout the day to be the dieter once was….
8. But, eek…. The dieter I once was was anorexic and bulimic.
9. Thinking am having hard time finding the middle ground between eating badly and eating disorder….
10. Thinking years of eating disorders has made it impossible for me to finally lose the remaining pregnancy weight.
11. Thinking maybe this whole thing is a life lesson in self-acceptance no matter what my size is.
12. Thinking this topic is too big for list post.
13. Like, that maybe should write deep, essay-type eloquent post about this.
14. Maybe one day.
15. Not today.
16. Like, should write about how my experiences with eating disorders affect how I mother my children.
17. How I worry about what I say about food and my body when my daughter’s around.
18. Have reduced self to asking Josh if I look any s-l-i-m-m-e-r today…, instead of saying it outright in front of Monkey.
19. Monkey who has, by the way, re-named herself “EGGWIN” — “I am NOT ‘Monkey,’ I am ‘EGGWIN’ — after this train, whose actual name is apparently “EDWARD”….
20. Will always remember episode of America’s Next Top Model (forget what season) in which the psychologist tells Tyra that bulimics are “hardcore.”
21. Saw myself in different light after that episode.
22. Am hardcore.
23. Have been free of anorexia/bulimia for 9 years.
24. Cured myself of (physical symptoms of) the disorders.
25. But must always, of course, consider self as recovering.
26. Instead of “Skinny Bitching” until go to Bermuda…alone!, need to start today to focus on the real stuff.
27. Not on the food but on the feelings.
28. On the self.
29. On the acceptance.
30. On the it’s-not-the-Starbucks-chai-tea-cracké but something else….
31. Maybe it’s the I-need-to-treat-myself-to-special-things….
32. Things that make me feel good about myself….
33. Massage? Facial? Yoga? Reading? Art? Even, GASP, fitness….
34. Need to feel good about self and nurture SELF…
35. Sans barista.
36. Self-nurturing, self-acceptance, self-love….
37. Who wants to join me on THAT?
38. Time to get to the core of it.
39. Time to focus on finding that middle ground.
40. Or to accept everything as is.
41. Even that every day is a struggle.
42. Note to self: am strong and have courage enough to deal with said struggle every day.
43. What’s the deal with hyacinths — like, that it only takes ONE little hyacinth to smell up an ENTIRE house when blooms…?
44. Hyacinth is my FRIEND now, though, so she stays….
Rhonda said, March 11th, 2009 at 11:54 pm
Beautiful post Haley. I love the bare bones way you presented it. You definitely got me thinking. Thank you.
PJ said, March 12th, 2009 at 1:59 am
I wish you’d accept yourself for the TOTALLY AWESOME person that you are — I’m certain that you are your own worst critic/judge, etc. as most of us are. Your new mantra? “I love and accept myself unconditionally.” And re the massage idea? I was actually going to suggest it. It’s sooo relaxing and it feels soooooo good! Treat yourself.
Val said, March 12th, 2009 at 4:05 am
Thank you, Haley, for the great post. I am going through very similar feelings these days. I would love to make a post about it on my blog but can’t because of my crazy in-laws and such… Maybe I’ll start an anonymous blog. A place just for myself… Anyway, off the topic here. You ARE a beautiful woman, a wonderful person and a fantastic mother… We all need to treat ourself from time to time. Go and have that facial/massage done, it will make you feel better! Big hugs
LD said, March 12th, 2009 at 5:26 am
I totally get where you’re at.
I haven’t had an eating disorder, but I’ve always struggled with my body image/hating how I look.
I still do.
Self acceptance is hard, and I find that when I decide to just like myself as I am, I go crazy and eat lots and gain weight.
I’m not sure there is a solution.
LDs last blog post..Poof Butt & Pricetag
Nadine said, March 12th, 2009 at 6:02 am
Haley, girl! Hugs! I didn’t know. But you know, we have way more in common than I have ever realized. I really do believe you can recover 100%. I did.
Nadines last blog post..Surprise
erika said, March 12th, 2009 at 6:23 am
I am in the middle of the same struggle — how to focus on being healthy rather than being skinny. When I was super skinny, and super depressed, I was afraid of getting better because I didn’t want to get fat. I can’t believe I almost sacrificed my happiness for a number on a pair of jeans. But as I gained weight, I did struggle with it a lot. I had just been pregnant, and my body was going through very drastic changes. And now I think the issue is more of being a “habit eater.” I eat just because it’s there or it’s time, not because I’m hungry. And I really hate working out, but I am determined to find something to get myself moving because I know it will help my mental state. Good luck, lady! You are definitely not alone!!! And remember what the nutritionist at the gym said? It’s okay to have a Chai Tea every day as long as the rest of your meals are sensible. But if it’s the caffeine addiction you’re wanting to kick, I can’t help you there. I need someone to help me…. =)
erikas last blog post..UH OH!
DONNA said, March 12th, 2009 at 7:24 am
oh, I wish you would write more about eating disorders, I love the way you write , and I have been batteling bulimia for over 20 yrs. Sometimes the disease wins, sometimes I win. Very exhausting!
Donna.
Lindsey said, March 12th, 2009 at 7:45 am
#42 all the way chickita.
Love this post…
beth said, March 12th, 2009 at 7:47 am
Haley,
I have been catching up on your blog the past few weeks, but feel like commenting today due to the subject matter. I am so amazed that you were able to overcome bulimia and have a successful career and family. To me, you seem like the energetic, doting, perfect, fun mom. I could not imagine your past ed having any effect on your kids. Would you mind sharing how you were able to over come your ed, what you did, and how long it took. How long were you bulimic? I have been for 7 years and am at one of my lowest places right now.
beths last blog post..Snow Day
Emma said, March 12th, 2009 at 7:56 am
Oof this is a tough one. And something I can’t write about because I know my food issues come from my mother. And I have said a couple of times that I feel lucky right now not to have a daughter so hopefully the food issues will stop with me. And I am not really ready to get over them yet. I don’t feel like I have the personal space to address them.
Wishing you all good things.
Emmas last blog post..Of the weekend
Chantal said, March 12th, 2009 at 7:58 am
Remember when I said that you are the type of person who never does anything half way. That is still so true and you are doing everything right Haley. You ARE strong and have courage. Take care of you!
Chantals last blog post..Never thought I would see the day
Carla (Carlikup) said, March 12th, 2009 at 8:16 am
Ho my dear,
I know exactly how you feel and what you’re going through.
I was also anorexic & bulemic ~ for a very long time. A very long time. And I know that because of it, I completely screwed up my metabolism, and it doesn’t function like a normal person because of it anymore. The minute that I diet, or that I don’t feel full, my body goes into starvation mode, and I don’t shed a pound. Regular meals are important. Complete, balanced meals are important. Carbohydrates are important. Carbohydrates are so so so very important. Carbohydrates are what feeds your brain / if you don’t include them in your diet, you will always feel tired … I learned that the very hard way … to be a recovering anorexic/bullemic, the carb lesson is such a very difficult one … but I needed energy for my 2 kiddoes. Are you including carbs (whole grains) in your diet?
Please don’t be to hard on yourself and take great care of that wonderful person of yours my dear Haley.
Carla
XXX
Carla (Carlikup)s last blog post..Portrait Of A Friend
Fit Family said, March 12th, 2009 at 8:23 am
Wow, you hit some nerves here for a lot of us ladies. Eating disorders are scarily common and those of us who don’t suffer from them (ever or maybe just not at the moment) are usually still obsessing in one way or another but just not clinically. How do we really shift our focus to health? When even our daughters are not enough motivation? Big questions… Thanks, H, for so much honesty.
Fit Familys last blog post..little kids with big problems
Carla (Carlikup) said, March 12th, 2009 at 8:26 am
. . . that just sounded like I was trying to be your nutritionist . . . sorry about that :0)
But bottom line, what this comes down to is we tend to be really hard on ourselves, really really hard on ourselves. We think that we are super/wonder women or something of the kind?? Reality is . . . when you have two young children, like I had, like you have, it is so important not to be so harsh on ourselves. We need to treat ourselves with kindness, and with love. You need to treat yourself with kindness and with love. Haley, I encourage you to have to Chai tea, I encourage you.
Carla (Carlikup)s last blog post..Portrait Of A Friend
Lori L. said, March 12th, 2009 at 8:29 am
#11 & #17… you’ve got to tell the negative self-talk to go away… it’s so toxic. It’s hard to live peacefully with all of the guilt about food whirring around in your mind every second of the day… most of us can relate. It’s such an icky feeling. It’s like you’d like to unzip yourself out of your existing body and step out of it into the body that you feel comfortable in… but does that body really truly exist? The toxic thoughts would still find you. Focus on the positives… two beautiful children your health, their health. As I look down at my thighs… I sigh… because I struggle with all of this too.
Laura said, March 12th, 2009 at 9:02 am
former bulimic myself, I understand… and I dunno Haley… it never goes away, you are never really healed from it, I can’t seem to find a nice healthy balance myself either… and we are both fitness instructors which ideally should mean we are the epitomy of health but I think we both know fitness instructors actually struggle the most… but at least we are honest with it… and that is most of the battle… hang in there babe…… you strive of health, and social conscious and to raise your kids with those same ideals that is the best you can do, the mind will always play tricks on ya…. but you gotta know you are doing your best… and that is just fine….
Denguy said, March 12th, 2009 at 9:34 am
Our baby sitter’s name is Hyacinth, but I keep calling her Chrysanthemum.
Denguys last blog post..That Smarts
LAVENDULA said, March 12th, 2009 at 10:06 am
oh Haley my sweet,kind,warm,compasssionate,caring,gentle ray of light friend.I WISH you could see the HALEY i see.SHE is the most AWESOME person i know….I have battled with bulimia in the past and i won.BECAUSE I HAVE 3 DAUGHTERS I DON’T WANT THEM TO HAVE ISSUES WITH HOW THEY LOOK.its not who you are its just what you look like.XOXO ps i love hyacinths they are beautiful tenacious little flowers….
Blisschick said, March 12th, 2009 at 10:08 am
Haley, What a great post. I’ve been thinking about and writing about this same stuff myself. Yes, we are forever this way, I think. And it IS SCARY. Unlike alcoholics, we cannot just give up food if we wish to LIVE. Every day, multiple times a day, we have to face down our demons. We are Warriors, aren’t we?
I am happy, by the way, to see you NOT doing the Skinny Bitches. I hate everything about that title. It is so demeaning, not only to women in general but to women who have struggled to survive…
Blisschicks last blog post..enCouragingBliss: A New Way to Participate
LG said, March 12th, 2009 at 10:17 am
Haley! I have always wanted to hear more about your past struggles with EDs and wish that you would write about it (if you’re comfortable with sharing).
I still struggle with always wanting to lose a few more lbs even though this weight is where my body seems to want to be. But then sometimes I’m happy with what I’ve got. I AM thankful that my body is healthy though and it gets me through so much!!!
I’m always reading books on the subject of body acceptance and intuitive eating…I just ordered Love to Eat Hate to Eat from the library so we’ll see how that is. I also recently finished The Rules of Normal Eating…highly recommend!!! (Regardless of the fact that it has the word “rules” in the title.)
Thinking of you!
Renee said, March 12th, 2009 at 10:44 am
I’m glad to see you come out and admit your eating disorder problems. Some of your other posts had me concerned.
okay, so you know that your body is fighting you on this weight loss because it doesn’t want to be starved again. So what you need to do is go easy on yourself. A healthy well ballanced diet with the right amount of exercise.
Be healthy first – the weighloss will follow. I promise.
Renees last blog post..DR headaches for DH
newsinglemama said, March 12th, 2009 at 11:11 am
Very touching post.
I have had issues with (loss of) control in the past and have always struggled with the mental symptoms of eating disorders. I came very close to becoming an anorexic. I would count all my calories and exercise more than once a day. It consumed me.
Like you say, it’s something that never goes away completely and can resurface and take over your life if you are not vigilant.
You’re on the right path. And that flower is beautiful, like you
newsinglemamas last blog post..TheEx continues to astonish me
ali said, March 12th, 2009 at 11:21 am
body issues. you KNOW i’ve got ‘em too. and you have NEVER fully recover. NEVER. i’ve got your back, hales.
alis last blog post..typical
Tabitha in Bliss said, March 12th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
I truly loved the way you wrote this. Very honest, but with humor. I so admire your strength and savvy!
Tabitha in Blisss last blog post..Happy Thursday!
Momranoutscreaming said, March 12th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
I have 3 girls like Lavendula and my husband and I have had conversations about not emphasizing body image and emphasizing health instead. How we present things to our children is so important. I never had an ED and was almost always at a good weight, for me. Having children and getting older has taken its toll on my body and it’s hard not to be the way I am used to being, Strong and thin. It’s hard to give up what you are used to. I used to feel like crap all of the time too, so now I try to focus on how I’m feeling and not how I’m looking. It’s proven that it’s very difficult to eat properly when you are exhausted so I think you’ve already found your solution. Take care of yourself. IMO you should totally write about it more because this obviously hits home with so many women. You’re awesome and strong and smart, know that.
Kate said, March 12th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
Amazing post. I’m sitting here crying just reading everyones responses. I’ve never had an eating disorder but it’s pretty obvious that you are not alone in the way you feel ~ that is for sure! I had a complete breakdown the other day when I just couldn’t take it anymore with my 2 little ones and all I could think was that I’m glad I read your blog ~ you are doing an amazing service by sharing with others!
Marie-Christine said, March 12th, 2009 at 7:30 pm
I’d love to be close right now to hug you real tight!
You are GORGEOUS Haley! Inside and out!
And you’ve been SO honest in this post, it was so touching. I’ve worked with people with eating disorders. I think I have one too, sort of. Sure thing, my relationship with food is horrible. It’s really hard, really. We’re all there for you though, I hope you know that.
Love ya xoxoxox
Joanna Poppink, MFT said, March 12th, 2009 at 7:50 pm
Dear Haley,
Your post is so full of life, love, wisdom and humor.
Harnessing those energies is certain to keep you on your recovery path!
warm regards,
Joanna
Teena in Toronto said, March 12th, 2009 at 8:39 pm
I gotta get me a hyacinth!
Teena in Torontos last blog post..I love this commercial!
celticbuffy said, March 12th, 2009 at 9:39 pm
Thank you for being honest. I, too, struggled for years bouncing between starving myself and throwing up. Pregnancy kicked me out of it but I still continue to struggle with eating issues. I only admitted it to my family in my early thirties, about 14 years after it all began. I think it’s something we’ll always battle but by simply eating and choosing to eat healthy, I feel that we’ve overcome. Hang in there!
celticbuffys last blog post..A Special Design by PrincessK
Kalli said, March 13th, 2009 at 6:09 am
Thanks for posting this, Haley. It’s brutally honest and I can totally relate. Hugs sent from over the pond.
Kallis last blog post..You capture – week 3
Ruby Soho said, March 13th, 2009 at 8:41 pm
I’m just going to say *hugs* and I know that this is tough.
Ruby Sohos last blog post..Hiatical
BlondeBlogger said, March 14th, 2009 at 8:23 pm
Wow….Haley, that was such a moving, heartfelt post. No need to respond to this in any way because I know you said in your new post you want to take a break from the subject. Just wanted to let you know that I’m here for you and sending you all my love, prayers and good energy. *hug*
Lightening Things Up a Little | Cheaty Monkey said, March 15th, 2009 at 11:43 pm
[...] planned on writing a follow-up to Thursday’s post, in which I recognized while writing the post that my focus on weight and diet has gotten obsessive [...]
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GectSycle said, September 27th, 2009 at 10:08 am
I think you made some good points in your post.