Today was the first day in a long time that I had the house to myself. Alone in my house. Alone. In my house. In my house alone. HOUSE ALONE.

Well, not quite alone….


These cushions: they KILL me. Can you say “uggers”? How ’bout “eye sore”? “Hot mess”? Hereby pledging to buy new cushions when the economy recovers.

And, you know? It made me realize. I am like NEVER ALONE. NEVER. ALONE ALONE. NEVER. Okay, I’ll stop that now. Forgives. It’s all just so shocking. SHOCKING. SO. SO SHOCKING. Okay. stopping. It’s out of my system now. Too bad that emotional eating fest in front of Y & R is NOT out of my system — SHARON AND BILLY CANNOT BE HOOKING UP. That’s just EW. And, WHY ISN’T LILLY TELLING CANE ABOUT THE BABY, YET? So hating that suspense. Need raisins — the only “candy” permissible on my binge. (TANGENT!) But, then again…. OOPS….

…I did it again. I CHEATED on my cleanse. With a (grrrr) Starbucks Soy Chai Tea Latte. Had to.

This morning was seriously amazing: me, alone with my computer; me, alone in the SHOWER; me, alone with my CATS (trust me, they loved it); me…. Me. But, the (measly) HOUR came and went, and, too soon, it was time to pick up the Monkey from preschool and Rascal from it’sgrandma’s. It was only 11:30am. The day ahead loomed before me. What to do after ANOTHER night of 3 hours of interrupted sleep?

I DID have an errand to do. (If you must know…, had to exchange a coat Monkey got at Old Navy.) So, we went to the mall.

There’s a Starbucks in the mall. I could smell it outside. As soon as I got out of the car. I looked in its direction. There was no resisting. Especially after The Incident.

You know by now that Rascal is DIFFICULT. He is a DIFFICULT toddler. The hitting, the WRITHING, the WAILING, the NOT SLEEPING, the TANTRUMS (on his back on the floor in a RESTAURANT), etc., etc.. Well, after the errand was done, I took them to the bookstore RIGHT beside Starbucks. And, Rascal. Actually. Played. ON HIS OWN….

It was HEAVEN. I even got to whip out a few emails and tweets on the pinkberry.

Alas………., and OF COURSE, five minutes into Rascal’s miraculous independent play SOMEONE decided she “NEEDA PEE! I NEEDA PEE!” FOR the second time at the mall.


Yes, she’s still wearing her CAPTAIN MOVIE-STAR TO THE RESCUE sunglasses everywhere….

Isn’t that fabulous? Don’t you love trips to the public washroom? How ’bout TWO trips in the same MALL? Don’t you love straining your back as you hold them for DEAR LIFE over the stinky public toilet seat?

Me: If you don’t want to put Pablo down wash your hands, don’t touch ANYTHING, okay Monkey?
Monkey: Oh, mama! My bum touched the door! Do I needa wash my hands now?

Rascal was NOT happy when I dragged him away KICKING AND SCREAMING (of course) from the Thomas-the-Train table. It was a nightmare. A nightmare that involved, again, Rascal on his back, on the floor, in the bookstore.

HUFF, WHEN is my Mother-of-the-Year Award arriving? WHEN?

I finally got them to the washroom. Rascal with his usual complexion: red-faced and tear-streaked. I prepared the toilet seat (mass disinfection, of course), lifted the Monkey over the seat and waited. and waited.

NOTHING.

Me: Monkey, what’s going on? Aren’t you going to make a pee?
Monkey: I don’t needa pee. I’ll pee at home.

Are you f*ing kidding me? That’s it. B-LINE to the Starbucks.

Sigh, it’s just not enjoyable.

Sitting at my computer four years ago all big and preggers in my Scholastic Canada Ltd. cubicle, I thought, I can’t wait to get out of the workforce. This sh*t is boring and frustrating and I just want to be AT HOME! But, man. THESE DAYS ARE HARD and not particularly enjoyable. I have to say it. The mall should have been FUN. Things should be FUN and EXCITING and ADVENTUROUS when you’re not stuck at a desk job playing solitaire and cold-calling authors and other publishers. But, today brought me to my knees.

Don’t get me started on how, after chasing Rascal around the bookstore, I had to WORKOUT (for ten minutes. a measly TEN. is that so much to ask?) with him SCREAMING at my feet for me to pick him up. And, see, it’s no wonder my doctor told me to take up the kickboxing. I needed it: my body is TENSE from the stress of mothering two young children.

Life, these days, is filled with fear, frustration, anxiety, impatience, anger…. Somehow, from somewhere, I’ve remembered COURAGE. Motherhood takes freaking COURAGE. Minute-to-minute COURAGE. It’s getting me through. Through the anxiety and the fear and frustration.

And, for the anger and impatience, like, when Rascal’s SCREAMING all the way home in his carseat, I turn up the music. Yeah, it wasn’t the measly chai (which tasted good going down, but left me full and nauseous and shaky), but this song — appropriately called “The Fear” — these words, for some reason, saved me today….

Of course, there’s also love. There’s nothing that I don’t take for granted. I love my monkeys so much is scares me. So much that the responsibility weighs on me, consumes me, brings me to my knees….

Thanks for listening to me. The posts these days are LONG. I have a noisy, nervous inner world these days…. I need to write.

Only a few more days to enter the Pure + Simple Giveaway. Go forth and ENTER!

Love!
xo Haley-O

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