I’m taking the rest of the night off, Gorgeouses…. I hope these women don’t mind my sharing, but I just had two really intense phone calls. I won’t go into detail, but I spoke to two wonderful, brave women just now — one after the other — who are both going through exactly what I went through in my pregnancies: prenatal depression and anxiety (if you want to read about it, go to my “prenatal depression / anxiety” category — and feel free to laugh at me because I can fully laugh now at how COMPLETELY INSANE I was).

I could feel THE THING in their voices. I started to shake and get chills. I felt for them IN THE THICK of it, but I know they’ll be fine. I want to help them and be there for them because NOBODY ELSE CAN — aside from the doctors, nurses and psychiatrists, but even THEY can’t fully get at THE THING.

Nobody can possibly understand what it’s like to be paralyzed with FEAR while you’re pregnant. I can’t imagine much could be worse. It’s hell on earth. But, as I explained to the women, it’s a gift. They’ll be better mothers for it. They’ll learn to live with fear and uncertainty. To cope with it and accept it as the mind’s way of saying “WHAT ABOUT MEEEEE? WHAT ABOUT MEEEEE?”

GRATUITOUS ANALOGY: It’s like Minden not wanting to make room for the Rascal and showering me with wet sloppy kisses all night long (AND RIGHT NOW…excuse me, Minden!!)!

Like Minden, the mind (or “ego,” as we yogis call it) needs to make room for the baby. We just have to let it know we still love it — like, with a hot bath, a manicure, a FACIAL, healthy food, yoga, walking outside, etc..

Maybe this sounds crazy. But, I think, for people who’ve gone through what I — and these woman — have, it makes a lot of sense, and thinking this way may just help us heal.

I know, even now, as a mother of two, when I don’t take care of myself I get depressed and irritable and anxious. Those are gifts — my mind’s saying “HEYYYYY, TAKE CARE OF MEEEE!” And, making time for MOI, I’ve learned, is one of the best things I can do for me AND my kids.

Anyway. I could go on forever. There’s so much to say.

I’m so grateful my psychiatrist asked me to call these women. This is yet another wonderful thing that came out of the hell I went through in pregnancy: I can help other women through it. I can tell them they’re normal. That it’s NOT THEM. That they are not their thoughts. That their baby’s FINE and happy and thriving in its own little home, safe from their anguish. I can tell them to be grateful for the experience because it will make them better mothers, better people. I can tell them they’ll get through it and that I’m here for them. Sometimes all you need to feel better is the knowledge that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. That others have walked the same path and come out alive and happy and better for it.

I can tell them this is their initiation into motherhood….

And, I can tell them that it’s all worth it….

All of it……..

“Don’t cry over spilled milk” — my daily mantra….

Sigh…. I wish I could make them better….

HAND!!!!!

HAPPY 1st BIRTHDAY, LITTLE RASCAL! I CAN’T EVEN TELL YOU HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU! AND, YOUR HAIRCUT IS STILL DRIVING ME CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAZY! LOVE! MWAH MWAH MWAH MWAH!

Sigh. In love!

xo Haley-O

P.S.: Send some good healing vibes out to these two moms-to-be, if you think of it, Gorgeouses! They need it….

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