Today was the EXACT antithesis of yesterday, Gorgeouses. Yesterday was plain AWESOME. Today was plain AWFUL. And, so, I give you THIRTEEN THINGS YOU SHOULD JUST NEVER SAY OR DO, GOD HELP YOU, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU’VE WOKEN UP ON WRONG SIDE OF BED. Note to self: TRY to remember which side of the bed is the RIGHT side….

1. Never tell the world you’ve had the best day ever, because YOU KNOWWW the second you realize you’re happy and things are good, it ALL comes tumbling down. Universe comes ’round and kicks you in the butt with more CHALLENGE. Because, apparently, that’s what life’s about, that’s what makes us grow and evolve like….

2. If the monkey happens to get a gift certificate to The Gap for her birthday, DO NOT TAKE HER WITH YOU TO BUY DRESSES. I did it. And, I regret it. You’d think it’d be cute taking your daughter shopping for dresses, right? Maybe. On a GOOD day.

Monkey [dragging pants, shirts, dresses around the store]: Momma pay dis. Pay dis!
Me: Monkey, let me tell you something. Society makes it REALLY hard, but you really don’t need to buy everything you want. We don’t need a lot of STUFF. Society makes us think we NEEEEEED that princess dress, we NEEEEED that “My Little Pony” book. But, we don’t. We have to let these things go and just be happy with what we have, blah blah….

Monkey is 3 years old. I know. She doesn’t understand capitalism, commercialism, or “isms” in general. It’s just…. You get to a point where you just…. You give up on logic and stuff. I think they call it INSANITY…!*&$%@!

Check what we got….

…and DUUUUUDE!!!:


I want THAT one for MYSELF! Love Strawberry Shortcake! LOVE! LOVE! LOVE!

3. Don’t expect to sleep in EVER. Because, if you expect to sleep in, you will be disappointed. Perpetually disappointed. Rascal wakes up with a SCREAM at 6/6:30 EVERY morning. And, it’s not like he goes back to sleep after that. He. Is. Up. Day begins when HE says it does. It’s brutal. I have to start setting my alarm for 5:30am, just so I can ease into the day — instead of being SLAMMED into it. SLAM!!! ARGHHH! WAHH!

4. Don’t go to Starbucks EVER again, or you WILL have that Chai Tea Latte you QUIT for a whole week last week! Dang it! OFF THE WAGON again….

5. Don’t say I didn’t warn you about those chai tea lattes. I get countless emails from people CURSING me for introducing them to that dreaded drink. NOT MY FAULT. I WARNED YOU. My suffering is a CAUTIONARY TALE! CAUTIONARY TALE!

6. Don’t forget to breathe. Whenever you get overwhelmed in any area of your life, be it with kids, work, school, relationships, whatever, use your breath to get yourself back in the moment, to get outside of the mind’s relentless ramblings — the “monkey mind,” as they call it in yoga, which is so PERFECT!  It’s a cheaty little monkey, that mind of ours, and it needs to be tamed and guided….

7. Don’t say “don’t.” In other words…, try to speak more positively to your kids, your friends, strangers, whomever. It’s like, instead of saying “no problem,” when someone says “thank you,” try saying something more positive, like “you’re welcome” or “my pleasure.” We should all speak more positively to others (and to ourselves)…. It’s a good thing….

8. Don’t expect a clean floor after dinner, or you’re in for big disappointment. HUGE.

No, expect instead TO CLEAN FLOOR on HANDS AND KNEES like CINDERELLA CONSTANTLY….

9. Don’t watch Young and the Restless. I missed a week of it last week. So, I’m currently in the midst of a back-to-back Y&R marathon (when I SHOULD be watching the Olympics), and it’s MADNESS, I tell you! MADNESS! Cane canNOT be the father of Chloe’s baby. He simply canNOT! Any theories on that one, Gorgeouses?

10. Don’t let your Monkey play with automatic doors, or her little “fumb” WILL get stuck, and she’ll wail hysterically, and your heart will sink, and you’ll kiss the “fumb” better, and she’ll say, “I REALIZE, MOMMA! I REALIZE!” Huh?

11. Don’t forget to leave the upstairs gate open at night so you-know-who can get out, or he’ll leave a sorry package on the floor for you when you wake up THIS MORNING to fetch your screaming Rascal at 6 IN THE MORNING….


He’s lucky he’s THAT cute….

12. Don’t…forget to floss? (Thirteen things is a LOT to think of! Especially after the kind of day I’ve had! Forgives?) Also, when I send you an invoice? Don’t…forget to PAY IT!?!? Am. Not. Bitter.


Peace, yo…. Do you like this painting? I LOVE IT! The artist is so fab…. There are more HERE!

13. Don’t give up. The day CAN turn around. It did for me. When I finally decided to surrender to the chaos of the day and roll with it. Monkey went to it’sgrandma’s for dinner, and I took my lonely Rascal for a walk to the park. One on one. Exactly what WE BOTH needed….

Awwww, Bliss…!?!