The rascal’s almost one month old. Well, he’s 3.5 weeks. And, I STILL haven’t posted that birth story I promised. So, today’s the day. Hopefully, I won’t get interrupted by a little grunter too much while I write — it’s hard enough to concentrate on the virtually NO sleep that I’m on. Anyway, let’s give it a shot.

September 22, 2007

10pm: I’ve just STUFFED myself at the Yom Kippur breaking-of-the-fast table. I think I’ve eaten EVERYTHING in sight. I’m burping like a MAN, and my feet and hands are swollen BEYOND. “Bye mom, bye dad! Oh, wait, let me just grab one more cookie for the [3-minute] drive home! Bye everyone! Shannah Tova! Happy New Year! C’mon Monkey! Let’s go home! Burrrrp!”

Patting my tummy, I think to myself, “Thank you, little fetus, for making it through the High Holidays! You can come out now!”

September 23, 2007

5:30am: Waking up from a relatively deep sleep, I say to myself, “Oh no, I better get up. Ugh. I think I really have to pee.” I SLOWLY lift and roll my whale of a self off the bed. I slooowly stand up, and… tinkle tinkle tinkle…! Huh? Wha? Who? Water? BROKE? JOOOOOSSSSHHHHHH!! “JOSH! JOSH! WAAAAKE UP!!! My water! It broke! I’m standing here! And, I’m peeing! But, I’m not peeing! It’s just wooshing! It’s WOOSHING! Grab a towel! I can’t move! TOOOOWWWELLL!”

Calmly. I call triage. “Yup! Come on in,” they tell me.

So, I call my mom to come stay with the monkey, get my stuff together (while Josh does I-don’t-know-what around the house — something about cleaning the cupboard out? A-ny-way…), and run downstairs to announce the water-breakage on all three of my blogs. I couldn’t leave my readers in the dark when they’ve been SO SUPPORTIVE throughout the pregnancy! MWAH!

6am: Enter triage, get set up. Freak out about intravenous tubes and insist that the nurses wear latex gloves to protect themselves when they puncture the patients! Apparently, I’m only, like, 1cm dilated, so they’re sending me out for a 4-hour walk. Greaaaat.

I start putting my clothes back on and realize there’s GREEN! THERE’S GREEN STUFF in my water! Is my baby okay?

“Let me see that,” the nurse says, as she grabs my underwear from me. “Yes, there’s green,” she confirms.

“And, LOOK,” I say, “It’s on the bed, too!” Why didn’t they check this before? Isn’t this, like, a serious thing? I ask myself. “AHEM.”

“Okay! Haley-O’s staying put,” the nurse yells out, “We’ve got meconium. Wheel her into delivery and keep a close eye on the baby.”

Omigosh. Did I just save my baby?!? Thank UNIVERSE I have anxiety and, therefore, know everything that could possibly go wrong in pregnancy and labour! Otherwise, I’d be walking around with my baby possibly at risk! Anxiety can be a good thing sometimes, see…!

7am: We wait.

8am: And, we wait.

11am: Still waiting. The whole family’s here now. The parents, the in laws, the sister, brother.

12pm: “Anna” arrives to give me my epidural. Actually, his name is “Anesthesia.” Well, that’s the nickname I give him. Because when he came to the door, he said, “Hi, I’m Anesthesia!” So, I called him Anna the whole time. We are having SUCH a ball, exchanging jokes, etc.. LOVE! No, seriously!

I LOVE Anna! And, I’m ECSTATIC when he tells me he’s married because he’s SUCH a good guy — I want him to be happy.

1pm: Still, waiting for things to happen.

We interrupt this Birth Story to announce: THE MONKEY IS NOT IN HER BED. It’s 10:17pm, and she’s apparently in The Rascal’s room doing I-know-not-what. Josh-O just went upstairs and found her there. The Rascal is actually in his crib…actually sleeping…with the monkey doing I-know-not-what in his room.

2pm: Still waiting.

3pm (or something — the times here are TOTALLY guesses because LIKE I knew what time it was, but you get the picture): The OB FARREAKS out at the nurses: “WHY DIDN’T YOU CALL ME! Look at that heart rate! How long has the baby’s heart rate been dipping like that!? WHY DIDN’T YOU CALL ME! Do what you can to regularize it. Haley, don’t worry. It’s going to be fine. I’m right outside watching.”

Okayyyyy!

In the next few hours, nothing changes. The OB runs frantically in and out of the room: “Haley, I can’t believe how calm you are. Huff Puff. You’re amazing!”

“Ummm, is it too late to tell you I have prenatal anxiety and depression, Doctor????” I think to myself….

“What a trooper,” she continues, “Keep it up. Keep it up. We need you to stay calm…. GET HER AN OXYGEN MASK! Stay calm, Haley. You’re doing great. How do you DO IT!?”

“Well,” I say, “I’ve learned to trust my resources………ahem.”

4pm: “Okay,” says the OB, “We need to test the baby’s blood oxygen level — the cord is around the neck.”

“Oh freaking crap,” I think to myself.

“Okay, we’ve got the blood sample!” yells the OB. “Take it to the lab, NOW — RUN RUN RUN!”

4:15: “YES!” OB exclaims, as the nurse presents the results, “We’re all good, Haley. Now we need to speed up the labour and get the baby out of there STAT. We need you to push like last time: wait for that RECTAL pressure and push him out in 11 minutes — like you did with your daughter! You can do it!”

6pm: Still waiting. Praying for no C-section….

7pm: Rectal pressure has arrived! YES! Let the Olympic-caliber pushing begin!!!

7:37pm: He’s out. I pushed him out in 3 minutes! Record time! To top everything off, the little guy was posterior — facing the wrong way. But, smartie-pants that he is, he turned himself around in the nick of time. LOVE! The pushing was, of course, dramatic — in keeping with the entire birth process…. One of the nurses even jumped over my shoulder and on top of me to help with the pushing because the rascal’s shoulder was caught. But, we made it! He was super blue and in shock, but he was amazingly alert; just look how he’s gazing RIGHT at his mama!


I love this picture….

And, now look these CREEPY pics of him! LOVE!

My BIG BOY! I’m in love…clearly!

Oh, and, it’sgrandma and papa’shere bought the monkey a new coat, and she LOVES IT!

Sooo much CUTENESS!!!

That’s my story. Back to the rascal now — diapy needs ANOTHER change!

Want gossip? Check it — at CHEATY’S CELEBRITY GOSSIP!

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