I read your gossip column every week as emailed from the Urban Moms weekly mailer. I look forward to it every week. I am a 30 something mother of a 4 year old who has been trying to get pregnant again for the last two years. In my journey to get pregnant I have met a ton of woman along the way who have no children, and have been unsuccessfully trying for years. One thing this experience has made me realize is that we are blessed with one beautiful child and it would be really insensitive and selfish for me to complain about not having a second. Why am I saying this? I am tired of reading about how sick you are from being pregnant. Do you know how many women would love to have that problem just once in their lifetime? Many of these woman suffer in silence with their pain. I can only imagine the number of woman who read your blog and close the screen in tears after reading about how sick you are. Please think about how your comments make other women feel. I too was severely sick when I was pregnant so much so that I did not gain any weight throughout my pregnancy. I took the drugs and never complained about it. I was just so happy to be pregnant. Pregnancy is a gift. Its not a given. If you are really that sick, take the Diclectin and get over it already.

– Asquared, comment on today’s Will Ferrell post.

Dear Asquared,

I’m truly sorry that my blog has affected you in this way. And, I’m troubled that my writing about my pregnancy symptoms has struck you as insensitive and as a sign of ungratefulness.

Are you aware that I suffer from PREpartum depression? That I suffered from it in my first pregnancy, as well? Have you read those posts in which I try to bring awareness to this very painful condition? (Please see the posts in the category “Anxiety / Depression.”) Because, as extremely grateful as I am to be pregnant, pregnancy is a bigger challenge for me — both physically and emotionally — than most people can even imagine. And, as I always say, it’s all so worth it.

In the midst of this prepartum depression, from which I suffer painfully every single day, I have actually challenged myself to reflect in writing on the joys of pregnancy, and I have emphasized the fact that my complaints about my symptoms on this blog in no way relate to my gratitude. I urge you to read this post, in particular.

My kind and supportive commenters are also very right when they say (in response to your comment) that “this is my blog,” and that I should not feel the need to censor myself. Although I want to be as raw and real on BOTH blogs as I can be, I am aware that I have a responsibility — to choose my words carefully and to be as compassionate a writer and person as possible. And, I don’t take that responsibility for granted.

Of course, I don’t want anyone, as you put it, to “close the screen in tears after reading about how sick [I am]“! People are only allowed to cry with laughter from reading this blog! In any case, I do try to make light of my symptoms most of the time because, Asquared, they are DARKER than you could ever want to know. I have shielded my readers from some of the grosser realities of my daily life right now. And, now I’M crying.

Remaining light-hearted about my symptoms helps me deal with those grosser realities. It also helps other women who are going through the same thing — there are many of them out there, too. Yes, there are many pregnant women going through what I’m going through. I have received many emails thanking me for being so open about my struggle. This site has received countless hits from google searches for “pregnancy and anxiety,” “depression in pregnancy,” and the like.

You also got me thinking….There are single mothers out there. Is it insensitive of me to complain about how difficult my toddler can be when I’m privileged enough to stay home with her AND to have a husband help me raise her? I cannot please everyone. I cannot write for everyone.

No, I cannot please everyone, Asquared. All I can do is be as honest as possible — without being as dark and anxious as I could be given what I experience from the moment I wake up in the morning.

Prepartum depression, also known as antenatal depression, affects 10-15 percent of pregnant women — and perhaps more, since most women do not come forward with it. Because of my condition, no, I cannot take diclectin; it makes my symptoms of depression (i.e., panic attacks) worse. Thank you for the recommendation, though.

Seriously? I do NOT like talking about the same symptoms every single day on this blog. But, unless I close this blog down until they pass, there’s no way around it. It’s my reality (a lightened up version of my reality). And, as I said, many people relate deeply to what I’m going through.

I also don’t like to complain about my pregnancy symptoms because this SEEMS to suggest that I’m ungrateful for what I know is such a blessing, such a gift. I am CONSTANTLY reflecting on how blessed I am to be pregnant, constantly THANKING THE UNIVERSE for granting me this miraculous gift. (This is starting to feel a little too personal even for me, but….) Every night I devote time to being thankful for this pregnancy.

I have friends who are having great difficulty conceiving both first and second children. I have friends going through infertility treatments…for years — some with success and some without. I have friends trying to adopt. I am aware. I am sensitive. I am sorry. I am so sorry that you are having difficulty conceiving. So very very sorry.

I have tried to minimize discussion of my symptoms on both my blogs. One of the reasons for this is that I don’t feel like people want to hear about it — especially on the gossip blog (and, I’ve next to eliminated all discussion of myself on that blog because there’s nothing else I want to say about me). But, when I sit down to write on this, my personal blog, it’s what comes out. It’s what HAS to come out. It’s a release that you’re reading, my friend. It’s the way I help heal myself so that I can better take care of my child (my cheaty monkey who, thankfully, is too young to understand what I go through) and take care of my pregnant body and mind.

Pregnancy is very painful for me. But, it’s also an opportunity. An opportunity to release and to cleanse. This releasing and cleansing involves a disturbing and debilitating manifestation of major anxieties. This is what you’re reading on my blog. A process. An honest (but light-hearted) cleansing, releasing and preparation for another beautiful miracle.

Of course, this blog is not my only therapy. I have lots of professionals working with me, and lots of loved ones (and loved readers!) supporting me.

Thank you very much for sharing your point of view and your experience. I can’t promise I’ll stop writing about my symptoms, but know that I’m an extremely empathetic person, and I write largely because I HAVE to. Although I joke about my symptoms, they are very serious and very debilitating. But, they are worth it. Thank you for bringing to my attention, yet again, how grateful I should be even to have these symptoms — as painful as they are on so many levels.

I hope you understand a little better where I’m coming from. I certainly appreciate where you’re coming from. I wish you all the best in your efforts to conceive. And, I hope to bring you more laughter in the future — no more tears.

xo Haley-O

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