Did you know that I don’t chew gum? I mean, you couldn’t PAY me to chew gum. The thought of chewing gum repulses me; the sight and sound of chewing gum makes me want to bend over the nearest toilet and hurl.

Why? Because I have this recurring gum nightmare. In the nightmare, I’m chewing bubble gum. (Oy, I can hardly write this without gagging.) I’m chewing enjoyably — chew chew chew. And, then I realize: the gum is sticking to my teeth! And, the noxious wad is getting bigger and bigger! Must get it out of mouth, NOW! I stick my fingers in my mouth and grab at the gum. I pull it and pull it. But, it won’t come out! The sticky beast just keeps growing and stretching as I pull at it. My teeth feel like they’re going to peel off my gums as I try to pry the growing goo off my molars…. This disgusting and painful process continues until I wake up, relieved and gratefully able to breathe again….

Last night, I didn’t have this dream. Thank goodness. And, I didn’t dream about (peaceful, beautiful) sharks, as I’ve been wont to do now and then.

No. I dreamt about Justin Timberlake. Justin Timberlake’s penis, to be exact. (Oy…to think of the google hits I’m getting from this post….) He was naked. Sitting on a chair, spread-eagled. Just chillin’ by the pool with, of all people, Gwen Stefani. (She was fully dressed, though — with her hair up in that unfortunate spiral updo she’s been sporting lately.) I checked out JT’s penis. He didn’t mind at all. Since I’m not into him that way, I wasn’t excited by the sight. I merely observed it. It was big. Real big. And…bent? Yeah, like a U. And, that was it. That was the whole dream. I don’t get it. I’m not attempting to interpret it. It is what it is: bizarre, anticlimactic and strangely not-hott.

Do you think this is a sign that maybe I should stop singing “Dick in a Box” all the time? (If you don’t know what “Dick in a Box” refers to, get your arse over HERE, and check it, NOW.)

[34] Comments