Happy Mother’s Day to all the GORJ MOMMIES out there!

We had an interesting one over here. Things are, well, always interesting when you have a cheaty monkey around. I mean, cheaty monkeys’ll take the most mundane thing and turn it into something fabulous and fascinating: "Look, Mama! Der’s anudder farm! And aNUDDER farm! LOOOK, MAMA! Look a diss tractor! Is it raining? Is it nighttime? Look at da HORSE, MAMAAA! Is Rascal sleeping? I wake him up. EEEEEEEE….."

Yes, it rained. It was all of grey and chilly and sorry and gloomy. But, we still took our road trip out to one of Josh and my favourite spots, Stratford, Ontario ….

We like Stratford because of all its cute little shops, the literary culture and plays that it’s famous for, the Avon river with the swans and the ducks and paddle boats….

But, the Stratford we went to today was nothing like the one we love. No, it was grey and dull and NOT HAPPENING…

…And, it was windy…

…And, all the cute little cafés and shops were…

…Except, it seemed, for this one…

…Eeeeeeek!

But, we definitely made the best of it, of course. Josh and I laughed that we ACTUALLY took the trip on this most muggy, off-season of SUNDAYS. What were we THINKING?!?

We managed to find a sweet little café where I had a DELISH vegetarian sandwich with local goat cheese, pesto, lettuce, and roasted peppers….

…And, we were ecstatic to find our FAVE toy store actually OPEN! (I spy with my little eye, THE MONKEY — can you find her in this pic, Gorgeouses??)

Awesome store. They have EVERYTHING there, Gorgeouses, EVERYTHING!

Monkey is obsessed with LOVES her new magic wand….

…While she attempted to turn me into a frog with her new wand…, we struggled to make the cranky little rascal happy (in a TOWN WITH NO CHANGE TABLES) with a magic ball thingy of his own. It worked….

Then, we found, to my UTTER JOY, that a bookstore was open! a bookstore was open!

The bookstores at Stratford are amazing. They’re SMALL, sweetly disorganized, and full of character…. I bought another diet book a nutrition book for $2.99!….

Yes, Stratford is a land where you won’t find a Chapters or Indigo or Borders, or Barnes and Noble…. It’s a town of the small bookstore. I LOVE the small bookstore. Could live in the small bookstore. Which reminds me, Stratford is also a land free of Starbucks….

Instead of a chai, then, I had green tea, which is supposed to be FULL of health benefits (says new $2.99 book). And, right here and now, Gorgeouses, I pledge to drink a green tea INSTEAD of my daily chai tomorrow. And, I will KICK BUTT and take names in kickboxing and start losing weight again. Am in SERIOUS, SERIOUS rut. Diet is DOWN THE DRAIN. Must suck it back up…. MUST SUCK IT BACK UP DRAIN! Ugh.

But, I’ll not focus on that as Mother’s Day draws to a close…. No. I’ll focus on Monkey’s Fairy-Princess magic wand….

It’sgrandma: I crown you…PRINCESS MONKEY!
Monkey: NO! YOUUUU CAN’T! MAMA’S THE KING!

…And, I’ll focus on THESE….

These feet. They KILL me! CLOSEUP:

BIG-TOE CLOSEUP:

I can’t handle that AT ALL.

Happy Mother’s Day! LOVE! xo Haley-O

I just fell asleep for 2 hours. It was THAT COOKIE. I had a cookie for dessert, and it knocked me right out. That’s all, Gorgeouses. See you later.

That’s all I got.

That, and a cheaty little Monkey on one side of me and her brother on the other side. Why? Why did Josh-O do this to me? Why aren’t they in bed?

She’s sitting here cross-legged watching me type like she’s all entitled to be here. I DON’T THINK SO! Of course, the little monkey can’t read what I’m typing…. Still thinks she’s all entitled.

But, like, OMIGOSH, Gorgeouses! The monkey just pointed to the monkey! That’s right, this monkey:

And, she asked, “Is that me, Mama? Cheaty Monkey?” HA! See, SOCIETY? See, Mommy-Blog-finger-pointer-atters! SHE’S NOT TRAUMATIZED! Child-subject-of-mommy-blog knows blog is about her and IS NOT TRAUMATIZED. Actually LOVES it. Shocking much? Maybe there actually IS good in the world?

I’m going back to sleep. Mind you, Monkey’s not REALLY making that possible. Can YOU please come and put her to bed? She’ll listen to you.

Also, I got MINDEN. IN A BOOK. A Scholastic book on HOUSE CATS — thanks to editor-PAR-excellence, and DEAR OLD finally-soon-to-be-THIRTY (HA!) friend Ali (don’t worry, Alster, 30’s are DA BOMB — just look how coolio I am…errrm blerrm baglerrm….). I had to take tons of pictures of him, which, you know, I HATE to do. Here’s the one I hear they’re taking….

I, personally, like these two….

Ummm, Minden is getting more famous than moi, Gorgeouses. SO not fair. Sigh, looks are everything in this dang town….

Oy, NOW, that cheaty little bugger’s got my glass of water. But, she DID just say, “You’re the best EVER, Maaaama!” LOVE. Freaking FLATTERY is what it is. And, it will GET YOU NOWHERE, MONKEY. TO BED!

One last thing I got: Bermuda….

One of my oldest, best friends ERNA lives there with her man, and I got to see her today. We hung out for hours at her parents’ house with so much to talk about (while monkey played with LEGO and Rascal clung to my boooooobie FOR dear life). Can you imagine living in Bermuda? You should see how GORJ she looks: tanned, but not too tanned, and so relaxed. We’re taking a yoga class together tomorrow. Must remember to take picture of us so you can meet her….

At last, I got a bed to myself. The monkey’s finally in bed. After a broken glass and MUCH drama: “T-t-t-take th-th-the ph-ph-phone!” Someone’s afraid of the ph-ph-phone. Wha? Since wh-wh-wh-when?

Have I mentioned we’re having bedtime issues lately? Or, like, have you been noticing? Perhaps it’s obvious from the constant presence of the monkey in my posts lately?@#$@!!%?!

Oh. My. Gah, Gorgeouses! Check what just happened!

Monkey: I really like you, Mama. You’re so pretty….

She may be IN MY BED RIGHT NOW, at 10:15pm, WHEN I’m trying to work on all my new sites, my blog posts, my business and, potentially, ANOTHER business…. BUT, she’s being the sweetest little monkey EVER. Maybe I should keep her up all night and put her to bed during the day, which is to say…, when CHEATY comes out to play. ARRRGGH.

Monkey: It feels tasty, Mama.

(Huh?)

Anyway, I’m giving myself a break tonight. Like ALL celebrities, Mama needs a break. I’m writing an EASY Thursday Thirteen (it took me 10 MINUTES to find these pictures!).

FYI: I’ve already had TWO breaks today in the form of STARBUCKS CHAI TEA LATTES (no wonder it took me an hour to get Rascal to sleep…). And, I’d really like to STOPIT STOPIT STOPIT. Because being a (warning: awesome site and book alert!) HIP TRANQUIL CHICK, apparently, means being good to my body.

Filling it with chai syrup sometimes twice a day, while tasty, canNOT be good for me.

Yoga says we should let go of all attachments. That’s the goal anyway. And, I have one very blatant one. I realized this FULLY as I drove to Starbucks for my SECOND chai of the day and, later, as I sipped that thing so sensually — I was fully making out with it.

Monkey: I’m a little kangaroo, Mama!

I know that now is probably not the best time for me to let go of my attachments. I mean, I’m barely getting any sleep at night and I’m go-go-going constantly with these two monkeys. But, it doesn’t have to be a matter of self-punishment or -denial. It could be a good personal challenge. Having less caffeine and sugar might ease some of that anxiety I’m prone to and enable me to deal with my extremely defiant monkey in a more relaxed, less loopy, way. It could be a yogic, off-the-mat challenge. A step toward making a better, healthier, more tranquil life for myself and my family, and, added perk, making me a better yoga teacher….

I’m hard on myself. I know. I expect a lot. It’s just the way I am. Always been like that. Doesn’t have to be a bad thing. What’s so bad about striving to be a better, healthier person, anyway?

Monkey: Can I start peeing in da toilet?

(Anything NOT to go to bed…. Argh.)

Yoga isn’t just about what happens on the mat. As Hip Tranquil Chick reminds us, it’s also what happens OFF the mat. I’ve been going PSYCHO off the mat lately. And, it’s not benefiting anyone. Not me, not my kids, not you (unless you want to read "Cheaty Rants" EVERY garsh-dang day)…

Monkey: I MADE A PEEPEE! You’re so happy! And, den I get choclick!

(She did NOT make a peepee. Then she did make a peepee. At 11:30pm. I told you. I should put her to bed during the day and keep her up all night….)

Anyhoot, it looks like I’m not the ONLY celebrity with a Starbucks "attachment" — heh…. Which brings me to today’s Thursday Thirteen:

THIRTEEN CELEBRITY STARBUCKS-AHOLICS!

1. KATE HUDSON

2. KRISTEN BELL

3. JESSICA BIEL

4. ASHLEY OLSEN

5. MARY-KATE OLSEN (drinks Ventis instead of eating, rumour has it….)

6. JENNIFER GARNER

7. MADONNA (it’s probably an organic decaf green tea, though….BOOOOOORING!!!)

8. WENTWORTH MILLER (loves his frappuccinos!)

9. SIENNA MILLER

10. MISCHA BARTON

11. NICOLE RICHIE

12. RENEE ZELLWEGER

13. HILARY DUFF

So, Gorgeouses! Do YOU have an addiction (or "attachment") that you’d like to let go of? Do tell!

Monkey: I really glad you’re here, Mama. You’re so boodiful….

There’s a white page in front of me. Blue around the borders. I’m supposed to fill it up with stuff that entertains….

So, I’m not going to talk about my children today. Because all of my ranting about how BRUTAL potty-training is and how demanding the rascal is at all hours of the night is, frankly, getting redundant. Besides, after today’s events, I’m pretty-much blank, on automatic pilot. Monkey pees on floor: go. get. cloth. clean. up. pee. beeeeeeeeep. Rascal screams without warning: pick. him. up. whip. out. boo. bee. beeeeeeeeeeeep. Make. din. ner. Beeeeeeeeep. Bathe. Ras. cal. Beeeeeeeeeep.

Tick tock tick tock tick tock KABOOOOOOM! (That was me exploding. Am still picking up pieces of self.)

Craving syrup. Beeeeeeep.

Monkey: "Is this Amergan Idoh, Mama?"
Awwwwww…..

Go. to. bed. Beeeeeeeep. Okay. one. more. song. Beeeeeeep. You. can. watch. Ar. chu. le. ta. Beeeeeeeeeeep. (Is only fair, since Rascal is sitting. on. my. lap. Beeeeeeep. WHILE post-exploded self types words on white screen. BUUURRRP (that was the Rascal, not me. I don’t burp. Because I don’t really exist.)

I exploded sometime this afternoon. Actually, some time after I taught yoga this morning….

Yes, I taught some beautiful people about yoga, and we practiced our asanas, pranayama, and meditation, like good yogis. I taught them about how yoga teaches us to respond to stressful situations, rather than to react. Take a crying baby in the wee hours of the night, for instance: yoga teaches us to respond by breathing rather than tensing up and holding our breath and then exploding and such. Take a toddler peeing on the floor in front of you with an air of "haha, what YOU gonna do about it" and "GO CLEAN IT": yoga teaches us to respond by calmly telling her that pee goes in the toilet and not on the beautiful handmade Persian area rug — as opposed to reacting with a great big "ARRRRRGHH" and then exploding and such.

It was wonderful.

And, I get to do it again next week, with even MORE students, I’m told…. It was great to get out. It was great to teach yoga again to MY class. A class of MY very own. Where I actually have some control (of myself). Where people actually listen to me! Where people are over 3 years old.

Now, please, Gorgeouses, help me pick up my pieces with a nice OHHHHMMMMMM…. Three times….

I know, some people think Ohmmmm’s a joke. I used to crack up in the classes because I thought Ohmmm was so silly sounding. Now, I love it. Try it. I dare you. And, then tell me about it in the comments.

Take a nice deep inhalation, through the nostrils, from the belly….

Ohhhhhhmmmmmm…..

Again, inhale….

Ohhhhhhhmmmmmm…..

Last time’s the best one….

Ohhhhhmmmmmm…..

Now tell me about it. Was it as good for you as it was for me? Was your spouse or co-worker or cat or whoever around you, like, "whaa"??

Whaa?

You know how yesterday I was CELEBRATING my new-found productivity?

Ahem.

It’s not even funny. Not EVEN funny.

I take it all back. I take it ALL back.

(Why am I repeating everything twice? Maybe it’s because…I’M EXHAUSTED? FRUSTRATED? OFFICIALLY CERTIFIABLY INSANE?)

That’s right, Gorgeouses. Today was awful. Plain awful. “Why?” you ask. Because SOMEBODY — a blond-haired, blue-eyed little pipsqueak with a shriek to end all shrieks — did NOT sleep last night: try wakeup shrieks calls at 3am, 4am, 5am and 7am.

Despite my sorry sleepless state this morning, the day did start off great. I lugged my post-preggers arse over to the gym for HOTTIE KICKBOXING INSTRUCTOR‘S INSANE class. And, at the end of the class I informed HOTTIE KICKBOXING INSTRUCTOR that he was singlehandedly going to rid me of this postpreggers weight. He accepted, with eyes sparkling all greeny green…. And, WOAHHH, I digress.

That kickboxing class killed me, though. Rendered me comatose for the rest of the day. But, with two HYPER cheaty monkeys to take care of, I don’t have the luxury of being comatose. And, as Murphy would tell you, the more comatose I am, the more uncontrollable these monkeys are SURE to be.

So, basically, I take it all back: the rascal is NOT sleeping through the night, and I have NO time for myself, and, while we’re at it, the monkey is NO closer to being toilet trained EVEN though, as of this very afternoon, her change table is no more — is now a shelf for her zillion stuffed animals.

OF COURSE, you can get that LOVERLY clothesline painting from Kids Deserve Art.

Spare time? MY ARSE.

Painting? Me? I don’t THINK so. But, someone else enjoyed painting in the sunshine….

You’d think this would be relaxing…. But, NOOOO. The rascal was in an extraordinarily VILE mood the whole time. Disturbing the neighbours…. ARGH.

…And, getting it ALL OVER HERSELF (did you know that purple paint and PEE do NOT mix well? Try it if you don’t believe me)….

Yes it was FUN (F-to-the-U-to-the-N FUN) cleaning THOSE hands up…. Good times.

…But, we won’t talk about the toilet training. She peed in her pants THREE times today THREE!!!

And, what’s with the shrill? I feel like I’m living with DORA THE EXPLORER lately. Why do toddlers insist on screaming everything. Can’t we talk softly? At least while mommy is comatose? Or, at the VERY least, while our brother has FINALLY succumbed to sleep?

Dunzo. I’m dunzo. If I kvetch anymore, you’re going to leave me. Forever. I just know it. Because I’m having THAT kind of day. And, now I’m going to turn out the lights and crawl under my bed and STAY THERE…until the next shriek feeding…. Oh, and I’m going to wallow. WALLOW.

If I have any luck at all today, Minden will join me under this bed…. Even though I’m still mad at him for barfing on the couch….

Tsk. Painting? Reading? Who WAS that girl…?

Pity the 8+ unsuspecting lovely people who signed up for my yoga class, which starts tomorrow. Oh, I’ll be FINE. I’ll do a few ohmmms tonight between wallows. There are good acoustics under this bed….

EDIT: If you want your cheaty a little more peppy? Go check Cheaty Gossip. My delirium took a silly turn…. You might enjoy!?